Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

RoboT,

It's weird. I miss you and don't miss you at the same time. I miss you because I enjoy your presence and look forward to seeing you, even when I am an emotional wreck. But I don't miss you. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope without you. I've not had the best circumstances recently, but I'm not falling apart like I thought I would. I'm making plans. I'm staying busy. I'm taking the time to take care of myself.

OK, it's only been 2 weeks, so there's still plenty of time for me to fall apart. But I'm hopeful that I won't.

I hope you enjoyed watching the fireworks over the harbor. I hope you've enjoyed time with your daughter. I hope that you don't forget me, and I'll see you in 22 days.

-Daisy

Dear MC,
Or maybe you won't write back. Though I guess it's still plenty of time before we see you Monday. Just a little nervous (even though I'm sure it's fine), but doing my best not to bug you again.
LT

ETA: OK, I'm probably like your most annoying client ever (except maybe the kid who called you in the middle of the night to ask about Pokemon strategies. I haven't done that at least! Well, I called you in the middle of the night once, but I was in crisis...but maybe that was that kid's version of crisis.)

Hey t. I've been thinking and feeling a lot about whatever that was that happened between us yesterday. Argument? Fight? Verbal boxing match? Explosion of negative transference and counter-transference? I don't quite know. I wonder if you've given it a second thought?! I've thought/felt about little else since up until this afternoon when the good 'life stuff' happened and now I'm not perseverating on it anymore. I'm over it. We'll talk about it in 2 weeks and then I think I will take a break. I think we need some distance from each other right now. That **** was way too intense yesterday, woman.

Should I like never go back to see you

Haven't heard anything back from him? At least go again to let him know how upset you are about it.

S (ex T)...again

It slapped me in the face -- hearing you’d arrived in Arizona. I don’t know why. But it did. I started to cry immediately, though I assume you’re now fully immune to my crying and that it means nothing anymore. And I’m so insanely jealous of the people who will get to have you as a therapist. I’m insanely jealous that you’ll have the emotional reserve to be there for them, but not for me. It’s agonizing and unfair, and I hate it. So much. You don’t want me as a client anymore, which I can only hear as... you don’t want me...you don’t want to support me anymore, you don’t want to deal with my **** anymore. I’m too much. I was too much. I’m still too much. You don’t have the reserve for someone like me. I don’t know what to do. I am so angry at myself for getting to this place of needing you. I am so angry that I can’t bounce back. I am at a loss for how to get through, get over this. I don’t know how to get over you.

No I can't even show my face there

t i am full of feelings tonight. i wish i knew what happened yesterday. somehow we touched the very core of the anger that's deep inside of me and it ruined everything just like I have always been afraid that it would. why do you think i hate it. why do you think i don't let myself get angry. because you were wrong - you were so wrong when you said my father's anger was not my anger. IT IS. You somehow made me unleash it and now I have ruined everything and I am left wandering in the debris alone. did you know what you were doing? DID YOU?

I said "i hate you" yesterday.

I don't hate you.

I still love you and I want to fix this but I can't fall back into that same pattern and take all the blame on myself. It takes two to tango. You are just as much to blame as I am.

Besides, I don't know if this is even fixable.

I suppose it is, since you said that even if I'd walked out and slammed the door you would still have let me back in. But you know, you saying that almost breaks my heart even more.

I hate evenings. I was feeling so much better earlier with the good stuff that happened today. Evenings are so hard when I am feeling too much.

Yeah. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep again tonight. I hope you have thought about this some. I really do.

Can this rupture be repaired, t? Can it? Should it? Do I want it to be? Do you want it to be?

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Dear J,
Ive wanted to say this for a long time but I never know how,
I think I really am in love with you,
I know my feelings wont be returned and that's okay,
Bur I just thought you should know how lovely you are

Hey T. I will never tell you this, don't worry I listened to an old VM i saved (well, the only one..probably bc it is the only one) tonight, and awww..it was so sweet! I tell myself that I am minimally attached to you, but your voice is very soothing and caring. Don't worry, I'll never tell you that either!

Just like I will never tell you what I did today when I decided to skip work. NOPE.

Well, see you Monday, T. Maybe I won't hide behind the pillow the entire time. We'll see.

I miss the AVS messages.

Pdoc,

I just called you last night about what I could do about the mania I was experiencing

Now I woke up this morning feeling horribly depressed. It's like I was running insanely fast looking the wrong way and then unexpectedly slammed head-on into a wall. Seriously, it hit me like a truck.

Fortunately, no suicidal ideation (yet?), so I'm okay for now... but I just know it's going to gradually get worse

You should let your pdoc know about the change--as he'll probably have different advice to deal with the depression. Is it typical for you to go right from mania to depression? I have bipolar II (I think--we're still trying to figure out for sure), and it seems like if I have a hypomanic episode (which I'm in right now), it's immediately followed by depression. Haven't figured out how to avoid that shift yet.

I'm soup, t. ("stew in your own juices", do you remember saying that?) I want to talk about what happened the other day. But I cannot allow myself to email you because I know me, I'll take all the blame for it on myself and completely absolve you and bla bla bla even though I can actually see that it wasn't all me. I wish I knew if you had thought about it at all. You probably haven't. Sigh. I hate this relationship sometimes. I hate feeling like the team that we've been on my behalf is no more. I hate feeling disconnected from you in such an angry manner as the other day. That sucked so bad, t.

Goodbyeeeeee goodbye goodbye

For now

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause I can't take anymore of this
I want to come apart
And dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

Dear MC,

I know I probably have no reason to worry that you haven't responded. I'm sure you're just busy (and were off Tues.--I assume you were in Wed. since the other person in the waiting room when I saw T told the receptionist they were there to see you), and this has nothing at all to do with me. Yet still...you know me... I basically told you in the latest e-mail what I'm looking for in a response, so it should be pretty easy...then again, you may not have read the latest yet. Who knows, maybe they somehow didn't get to you--T said she never got that initial angry e-mail from me a few weeks ago. Still...I just feel weird with the apology hanging out there, along with the other stuff.
So, even if you're just like, "Let's discuss Monday," and that's it, at least acknowledge it. Please? Even if I'm being needy and worried for no reason? Except maybe that reading about a few other people's T's on here is making me nervous that you could change...yeah, I know, that's why you don't want me on this board. But still...

LT

BT
Still seriously thinking about sending that check so at least you don't feel like you totally wasted 3 hrs of your life on me.
I am such an idiot. I thought you liked me and likes working with me. I'm so stupid.

S (ex-T)

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm so needy.
I'm sorry I want you so much, so often, so much of you so often.
I'm sorry for crying. So much. So frequently. All the time. You're the only one still who I let "see" me cry.
I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying.
I'm sorry for being afraid. All the time. Always. No matter what.
I'm sorry for being ... this. I am ashamed. Like, more than you know. I feel like a failure of a person. I feel...dirty, actually. Like I should just be able to shut this off -- all of it. I used to be so good at that, do you remember?
I feel I'm letting you down as a friend, disappointing you as a friend. This isn't what you want in a friend. I know that. This isn't fun for you. This isn't positive for you. I don't really know why you still let me be in your life at all. I don't know what you could possibly be getting from this except a lot of headaches.
I'm trying. I really...really am. I'm trying.
I want to be a normal person towards you. I just have no idea how to change to that. I have no idea how to stop hurting over not having you here, not seeing you every single week. I know you just want me to get over it. I know everyone wants me to get over it. I am trying. I swear to god I'm trying.
I ****ing hate me. I hate me. Especially the me I am to you. Weak and clingy and crying all the time and terrified. This is why I resisted SO HARD ever letting myself let go with you. I was terrified if I started, I could never stop. And that seems to be proving true.
Believe it or not, this isn't who I am with others in my life. Only you. And I am trying so damned hard to be with you like I am with everyone else. But you are not like everyone else to me, and if I'm honest, I don't want you to be.
I know
You've got other things going on. Moving, new job, Mexico, health stuff, probably many things I don't know about (it kills me to now be so disconnected from you that I don't know what's going on in your life anymore.....it kills me so damn much).
I'm trying. I'm sorry. I am. I hope you can find some scrap of me worth keeping around. For whatever reason.
I'm just so ****ing sorry. I'm sorry I walked into your office 3 years ago. I'm sorry I've imposed myself on your life. I'm sorry I asked you to promise not to leave me. I'm sorry for attaching to you. I'm sorry I began to love you. I'm sorry I love you still. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry to the whole freaking world for being here. I don't want to be here. I'm a ****ing mistake. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Being in that restaurant, crying, and you completely ignoring me
Is now the symbol of our entire time knowing one another -- of everything
I can't get it out of my mind
Everything in that office was a lie -- the safety, the acceptance
It was only OK because I paid you, because we were locked away in private
I felt, I feel, like trash
I am an embarrassment to you
I'm not good enough
I"m ****ing ****
I'm annoying and sad and worthless as ****
I'm not worth jack ****
Why are you even still here?

and yet still
still
please don't go
don't get mad at reading this and leave
don't cut me out don't leave me **** **** **** I just want what was in that office to be real
I just want it to be real
I want it to be permanent
**** **** **** **** ****
don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me **** ****

RoboT,

I wonder if you have clients who you talk with outside of session. Are there people who know that it's okay to email you? Do you have plans with other clients to email or text during your vacation for support?

Part of me feels like that would be appropriate based on our last session. How difficult this break is proving to be for me.

But apparently I'm functional and I'm going to be okay, so you don't worry about me. About how hard this is for me. How hard January will be...

Maybe it's just because we would have session tomorrow that I'm so upset. I don't know. But I'm really missing you today.

3 weeks now. I pray that this may serve as a corrective experience for me. To prove that people I love can actually keep their promises.

That reminds me. I remember saying here that I could never fathom expressing my love for you. I may have said the thought made me want to break out in hives. But last session, I remember it clearly: "it's why I both hate you and love you." You laughed. It wasn't terrible.

And even though I love you and miss you, I'm dying to pick a fight with you when you return. I'm so sick. Ugh

Daisy

Please don't send her money. She absolutely doesn't deserve it.

BB - it is not your responsibility to keep the BT from whatever she feels.

How do I tell you I've been looking at your FB page? How do I tell you I watched you're husbands interview on YouTube ?
I can't possibly tell you, but I also can't get it, and you out of my head. Do I take a break and see how I feel after a bit? Maybe I can get past or thru this without you?