Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I still miss u

Hey T - I hope I haven't had the neighbours from hell move in next door to me - there's TOO much.

You need to stop hurting me with your mind games. I am sick, sick, sick of it!! How could anyone agree to play such games with me I'll never know. You will NEVER manipulate me again NEVER!! And the dogs you sent out to rip me apart have hurt like h@ll. You should know better but I see you don't!!

Bullies like you will NEVER win me over.

T-

Meds it is.. let's see how long it lasts this time. Also, I still fear you are too good to be true.

I feel very sick...I can't decide if I should come today or not..Aaaaargh

Saying anything other than "I'm sorry" a bunch of times and then (laughably naively) "reassuring" me that somehow my education will be inoculation against this mess, would be a real step up, current T.

A real step up, indeed.

I don't expect you to know facts and figures. I just need you to not suddenly start looking at me like I'm some alien freak whose life you can't relate to and so, the best you can come up with is some random social filler type pablum.

Show up? Or, if not, at least have the grace and understanding to simply remain in silence with me? That would mean so much more.

Basically we disclose, laugh, I asked for help today and you misunderstood and went into the "leave me alone" mode and you hurt me so much, I wanted to call you and scream at you. Oh, I really wanted to.
I guess I'm going to have to do without you as my beloved T.

P.s. For who wants to be friends with their Ts: guys, it hurts if you still need them to protect you. It really does. Trust me, stay away. Cool professionals, though very HUMAN friends. You'll need nerves. You'll have to grieve the loss of your T which is harder than embracing a friendship with that stranger, no matter how great they are.

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that. Just that. Right now. It has touched me in a substantial way.

All of this.
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this agony as well. I am in the midst of it myself.
Unfortunately, it seems to be not only ruining the "friendship," but also ruining my memories of my own "beloved T" from when he was my T....it's tainted those memories. He is not the person I thought he was.

T,

I'm scared right now. Scared that I messed up my whole life. That I'll never be able to live a normal life because I messed up and will keep messing up.

All because I read a medical paper mentioning the risk for fat embolisms due to severe burns. Let's see how long it takes for my ideations to come back, shall we?

This is so screwed up...

I screwed up every relationship I ever had so far. With my parents. My Ex. My friends. Even with therapists...

I'm poisonous. I hurt people, no matter how hard I try not to. I destroy everything that has been important to me, because I can't handle emotions

Hi T-S,

I kind of wish someone would make me have an appointment with prevT. I was looking in my diairy the other day and realised that I haven't seen her this year. It's at least 6 months ago since our last session. I just can't. It's my, what is it, stuborness?
It has been a little over 14 months since she went on leave. It has been about 9 months since she has been back at work. I've seen her about 4-5 times. And then I didn't went to that last session. And I haven't make a new appointment.

It has been more than a year and I'm still not over those feelings her leave stirred up in me. I don't know what to do. The past year it hasn't gone better with me. I don't feel better. I feel worse. Hopeless. I don't think I can get better.

Dear T,

Let's just keep going as we are, OK? One step at a time, hey. I still nerd you to be you, for now. If this does come off then we can see about that, but nothing more, OK?

I'm feeling hopeless again.

You didn't give me any hope.

You said you wouldn't take that responsibility. That I have to have hope for myself.

But I don't.

T,

So often I think about myself as the sullen teenager hellbent on self-destruction. I was talking to my sister in law about my brother in law this evening when I realized that I do not resemble that child anymore. I have matured and grown, and perhaps I'm continuing to do that now. I want to talk about this with you on Saturday, but I'm afraid that the only thing we'll end up talking about is your vacation and how much it's going to destroy me.

But you know what? Maybe it won't. Maybe I can get through July on my own.

I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror these days. Trying to work out how other people see me. Trying to work out if I'm ugly or not. Trying to work out if you could ever be attracted to me.

I never used to do that.

It's quite tedious to be honest.

Dear No. 3,

You gave me what I needed. A couple of your answers were evasive or illogical, but that actually doesn't bother me. I can't go around expecting every statement, from anyone, to be something that would hold up in court.

Merci beaucoup. (Thank you very much.)

ATAT

I'm sorry for you, too.
Yeah, they might turn out so different. For me the worst is when we argue even though I still like her as friend.. I can only imagine the disappointment of not even recognizing your ex T.

I wish it wasn't so hard to just be honest

T-

It's all fake, all an act. So, I am done, done with therapy for sure. You never really cared. What a waste of time energy and money over these last 5 1/2 years. Bye.

What happened

Dear T,
Thank you so much for letting me closer to you instead of pushing me further when I told you I will miss you heaps during your holidays. You are an amazing T and such a warm and compassionate person. I wish you have the best holiday ever. I am doing fine during it, don't worry a bit!

I feel wary of talking about or feeling "love" feelings toward you because of what happened with AbusivePDoc #1 & #2.

Stupid men have to sexualize everything.

Also feel wary of talking about love feelings because I felt 'shamed' by PrevT's uncomfortable reaction. Then I failed to check out if my perceptions of being 'shamed' were true. PrevT and I just settled on calling it 'homesickness," not "love," which doesn't fully encompass the feeling for me. I don't mean anything bad by it. And I'm sorry if it feels intrusive. It's what I feel.

I feel ashamed of my attachment feelings because it feels like I'm such a baby.

I think I've learned this, though-

"From the well
I've struggled with fatherly transference for my T. He said that it's something that will settle down as I get psychologically healthier. That it's a need being fulfilled and as long as I have that need I can't make it go away."

I think I've learned about transference and attachment....that it happens for me because "it's a need being fulfilled and as long as I have that need, I can't make it go away..."

The depth of my neediness and attachment is a result of unmet childhood needs.

The depth of my neediness and attachment and what I'll do, even passively-aggressively, to get that need met....that's how big the hole is.

T-

I am really try to ignore your email. I know it is really immature of me to say to you.. I shouldn't have to tell you why I am mad, you should know. However, that is the response I am close to sending. I know if I respond to your email, I will end up not quitting therapy. And right now that is what I want to do. I just want to be done with it. I am sick of putting my trust in people, them telling me I can rely on them and I follow through with my side, but there is no follow through in other people side. Yes, this is what I am pissed off at you for!

I'm sure you're not ugly. I think that's self consciousness talking. The only people who are genuinely ugly are those with ugly personalities. Nothing is more unattractive than someone who treats others like sh_t.

I think the more we ruminate about how other people may see ourselves, the more we get caught in a downward spiral. Just be yourself and people will like you. If someone doesn't like you and you've done nothing wrong, then it's their loss. Best not to be associated with those sorts of people anyway.