Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Mine is like a kitten's nudge at first (from having to ignore it - "can you wait an hour? Can you wait two hours? Can you wait til so-n-so gets home?" I was a kid, i had no choice, i waited) but now if i ignore it for too long, i become the tasmanian devil.

So there are approximately 131 hours until I see you again. Not like I'm counting down or anything.

I have so many things I want to talk to you about. But more than that, I just want to see you. I'm ready for routine. I'm ready for summer to be over.

No. I don't trust CW, and as for Info I suspect she knows Smaug.

T, I want to connect with you like in the past. I don't know how to make that happen. Life is going by so fast I can't keep up. I don't have the energy and stamina I used to have. I don't want to grow old but I don't have a choice. So much is going on and I have a lot to talk about! Family stuff I'm worried about. I'm feeling a little depressed again. I haven't been able to meditate much with everyone here. It was kind of chaotic and overwhelming. I'm scared and anxious. I still don't know how to be excited. I think my mother set me up to be this way and I still can't change. Please hold my hand, at least figuratively. I need you!

Love,
Rainbow

I'll be back....

I'll be back....will always be there for you.

Dear T,

I'm looking forward to seeing you but I'm also scared. So much has come out lately. Will you still care?

T,

I messaged you about going to see a lawyer to sort out my affairs in case of sudden death.

I guess I want to say "Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I want to be prepared in case I die suddenly due to how much drama I've seen in my family over such matters", as though you'd even be concerned, as though I matter that much.

A part of me doesn't think I'll outlive the parental units, T. So I want to be sure nothing I have saved goes to them. I've paid them back for raising me, with interest. Including paying them money they loaned me for tertiary education. I owe them nothing more, since they gave me these psych issues due to their maltreatment.

Duchess,

Seriously?

EM

Uhhhhmmmm. Don't die

10 hours and counting. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

MC,
I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of affection and gratitude for you this morning. Just thinking about the long phone call last week and other stuff you've done for me that make it obvious that you genuinely care. Wish I could give you a hug today, but I know I can't. I guess I'll just have to settle for a warm handshake.
Hope to see you in a little over 4 hours (because I still have that fear that you'll or we'll have to cancel at the last minute...)
Love,
LT

You said youd set up a time for us to talk by phone even though you are at a conference. That was Saturday morning. I haven't heard from you since. Guessing you forgot. Oh well.

Hi L. I'm doing some good work with the pain today.What E said yesterday made perfect sense - to see the whole mess of a situation as a gift and an opportunity for growth - so that's where I'm focusing. I'm still hurting and processing a lot of feelings and trying to show myself love and compassion and forgiveness. But it's hard because when I don't focus on the guilt and shame, I start feeling regret about ending, because I know now what I need to work on, and I can't with you anymore and that hurts so much. Because that's the stupid part - I didn't figure it out until after this happened. I miss you, because the connection is gone, and that part of me will never be the same. I love you, and will try to just remember all the good. I'm so sorry I messed everything up, so sorry, I wish I could somehow magically make all of this better but I can't. I've lost so much and I just have to deal with it.

Come back. I miss you.

I'm depressed

Are you still mad? Do you hate me? Did you feel what we sent yesterday?

Now that I've had my doctors appointment today, the next appointment in my phones calendar is with you on Saturday. I can't wait to see your dumb face.

You're one of the most important people in my life. You have definitely and totally changed my life.

For you it's your job. And I almost certainly have not changed your life.

This is weird but I'm ok with it. I'm so happy that I came to see you five years ago. I know that you really care about me.

I miss you so much it hurts. And still 9 days to go.

Dear MC,
Sorry to send you an e-mail, but I saw the concern that crossed your face when I talked about what I was feeling last week. Just want to make sure you know I'm OK and will keep staying safe.
I love you.
LT

J,

I don't want you to go away

What's ur deal with wanting to call the police all the time. That is scary

oh my god, is it wed yet? i freaking miss you

I think how you are feeling is scary I think T is just trying to look out for you when you are not able to do it for yourself.