In Session Today : Part III

My therapists session notes

Hahah

Today's session... not my usual write up. Today was Birthday Celebration day. I had decided that it would be break the rules day. When everything when bad at the beginning of T's vacation, I put in place rules of engagement regarding T. Rules to keep me safe from T and rules to keep me from intruding into T's life.

Here are those rules:


So, break the rules day... I started by asking if she had anything she wanted to about because I had a lot to go through. My passive way of checking to see if she had anything for me for the Birthday Day. She didn't and I was not surprised.

I pulled out the list of rules. We went through them. I asked her if she thought I had acted like there were other rules. She said something about the journal but wasn't sure if that was a rule or a by product of the rule. I had pulled back significantly on what type of stuff I was sharing with her in the journal. Lots of stuff I didn't feel safe telling her. I asked her what it was like for her to see them. After a pause... she said it was wonderful. Not that they were wonderful or that she was glad they came into place but wonderful that I was sharing them with her.

I then brought her the milkshake that we were to share. She tried it and liked it. Chocolate, Peanut Butter, and Blackberry. I actually go to this place that is about 40-60 min drive away to get it. We talked about the nuances of the milkshake how each sip tasted slightly different due to the peanut butter and blackberry not evenly dispersed. She thought that someone should be selling it as an ice cream. I was very happy that she liked it.

Then came sharing from the different parts. I shared with her a board game that i'd talked about before, one that a friend of mine made on Kickstarter. It had just come in so we opened and looked at the art work on it and the different pieces and such. After I told her that the part of me that likes the game, the strategy, the analytical stuff, I attribute to the older boy.

Next I pulled out my tablet and I went through a playlist I had put together on You Tube. About halfway through she came over and sat next to me on the couch. We didn't listen all the way through any song, just the first bits of the songs. I shared with her the wide range of music I liked and told her why I liked some of it. When we were done, I told her that the younger girl had wanted to do that for awhile (I'd written about it before). She smiled, warm smile.

Then I pulled out a picture book I got from the library yesterday called the fix it man (https://www.amazon.com/Fix-Man-Susan-Hood/dp/0062370855) and asked her to read it. She had moved back to her chair and I was on the couch. She asked if we should sit on the floor. I said we were fine, then decided that I wanted to sit closer that I would sit on the floor then she joined me. I told her that I got it just yesterday and that I didn't know the whole story but I liked the ending. She read the story to me. It ends with an egg cracking.. then breaking as a bird is hatched.. and the concept that somethings can't be repaired but need to be broken for something new to be created. I told her that after the last few weeks/months, it felt right. Again smiles.

Then back to our chairs. I told her about wondering how I would feel coming to celebrate my birthday and not getting anything from her. I told her that it felt hard and disappointing. I pulled out the letter I had written and put in an envelop. I told her that I wanted her to read it and then give it to me. She took it and read it. Then she asked if she could add something to it. I said yes. She said she just wanted to sign it. I said that was fine. So she signed it and then she wanted to write more but stopped herself but said that she wanted to do one thing. She put the letter back in the envelop and started doing something on the envelop. I couldn't see. This is what she did..


I thanked her.

I then went to give her my journal. There was some stuff in it that I had hoped we'd talk about today but didn't. I warned her about that stuff and said we would talk about it and that it was ok if she read that section.

Next, I turned to the list and asked her how many of the rules have we broken. And we went through them. I had a few more to go. I turned to her and told her "I love you". She looked directly at me and as openly as possible, she said, "I know". I told her that I think I figured out the reason I know works better for me than ok. To me ok, is like yeah yeah, whatever. I know feels like it is persistent, it lasts beyond the moment and is carried with her, even when I am not around.

I packed up to go.. heading out I said I needed to use the bathroom. When I came out she was coming by and I stopped her and put my hand out to shake hers. We grasped each others hand in both of ours as we shook. I thanked her for everything. She thanked me for coming and sharing my birthday.

After I left, I took the picture of the rules and emailed it to her, breaking the last of the rules.

I am about to send her another email ... to further break that rule before the day is up. The rules are not gone. I feel the struggle inside to keep them in place. I know they need to go in order to heal from this rupture and to get back on track. It's hard and there is a big part of me that is scared to let her back in that far.

I love her and feel warmth from her today. Good session. Left me weird in my head a little - still good.

Omg! Elio, I love you and your T. You guys are the best. So glad you had a good session and your birthday plan worked out.

She did the dot on the 'i' like the flame of a birthday candle!

I really wish that I could see the picture of what T did. That sounded like a really good session, Elio.

((((elio)))) that sounds like a really nice session 💕💕💕

I thought we were going to spend most of the session trying to clear up a big ruptury mess in time for the upcoming break. I had to tell him an old rupture was still hurting and causing me to feel hurt about something else he said.
But T didn't react badly like I feared. He was so kind and open and caring. And he took a real risk that paid off. I'm very lucky and I love him. I think the break will be okay.

Second to last session. There's a lot that had happened in the past month with me processing all this experience and planning on some kind of resolution to it time together.

I asked a small list of curiosity questions. I resisted anything to personal even though she said it was okay to ask. These were little things that came up over the years that I just didn't have the presence of mind to ask but always wondered.

Sometimes I want to really believe in universal timing: I finally asked when her birthday was...She laughed and said, "how funny you would ask me that today!" It was in fact that exact day. I told her mine i again and discussed my birth story again, though she didn't remember that I'd told her before. It was a nice moment. I don't think sessionshe'll forget it this time.

One more session to go. I'm trying not to ruminate over "last time" thoughts and focus on what I've learned and what I'm grateful for and how to move forward in the best way for myself.

I'm having a difficult time sorting out what happened in therapy...either T and I are caught up in an enactment or I've stepped into projective identification, again. Regardless, both are dangerous and I'm afraid I'm going to muck up our next session.

Just frightened and venting my fear...

Cross-posted from Couch:
Just had a really rough marriage counseling session (and it was actually all about our marriage!). Started with just us describing what happened in a fight last week, which led to me crying, then MC was trying to get us to do these exercises (he doesn't usually do that) where we each explained to the other one what they said. I got the sense from MC that I failed miserably at that. I know he was trying to get H to say all his stuff and express everything he's feeling, and I was reflexively jumping in, then MC seemed to call me on that. Which made me cry.

Then at one point H said it felt like I didn't care. So MC wanted me to turn to H and explain to him why I cared about him. Which...I couldn't seem to do. I said it was like with my daughter, I just...care about her because I do. So I felt I failed at that as well. And then I just sort of lost it, like putting my head in my hands and sobbing and saying I felt like a failure as a wife, and MC was saying that I was generalizing, that H was talking about a thing, not about me. But he'd also said earlier in session (in relation to fight) that he felt put-upon all the time because he has to do so much with our daughter. So to me it was like on multiple fronts. But then I felt bad because I was making it about me, when MC was trying to focus on H.

MC kept trying to resteer it back around to saying how we each felt from the argument, focusing on H first, and I just kept completely failing, like everything I was trying to say about him, it felt like MC thought it was really about me, even stuff like me trying to understand H's needs and what he wants from me in different situations. So I'd start to say something, then be like, "I'm sorry, I'm doing it again, I suck" and start crying again (and of course MC only had a few tissues left--luckily I had some Starbucks napkins in my purse). It just sort of went on like that, with me also saying at one point that I was a cheater (one night, year and a half ago) and between that and the other stuff H is saying, I didn't understand why he'd want to stay with me.

I was crying so much that I felt sick and wanted to run out of the room, but I didn't. We were over time, but MC kept trying to work with us, saying to me after my one outburst how we should deal with both things, what I just said and what H had been talking about, and which thing did I think we should deal with first. I said H of course. And he was trying to get H to talk about what he'd been talking about before, but I think H had been mostly done, and he was trying to figure out what to say.

There was some other stuff, including an MC golf analogy where he stood up and demonstrated what he keeps doing wrong with his swing (was sorta related)--I think he was trying to lighten the mood at the end. We did laugh a bit at the end over something I said, so I wasn't as much of a wreck when I left, but still pretty bad. At least it must have been obvious that I was really upset to the teenage boy MC was retrieving late, so hopefully the teen understood.

H and daughter get home in an hour--they were supposed to go to the pool but of course it just started storming. H was being pretty understanding when he walked me to my car, so I'm not worried about him being mad. I'm just so emotionally drained right now that I want to curl up in a ball the rest of the night. I just wish I hadn't lost it so much in session--there was some other marriage-related stuff I'd wanted to talk about (that was tied to the fight) but couldn't in the midst of all that. At least T is back and I see her Wed....

Text exchange with MC:
Me: Hi MC. E-mailed you (I doubt he'd read it before he read text). Been feeling pretty awful since session. Partly fear that you think I’m just a self-centered, self-absorbed person, based on how you were reacting to me today. And that I don’t really care about H (or others in my life) because I can’t articulate why I care. Felt almost trapped by that question. And I know I shouldn’t care so much what you think of me, but...Anyway I just feel like I was a giant failure in session (and in general)...Sorry, LT

MC: No LT, no failure. We were not talking today who you are, we were talking about, strategically, how to discuss/address certain situations and topics. There is a big difference. Like I was trying to say towards the end, this is a difficult thing to do sometimes, and it takes some time to address it. There is no shame in that.

Me: OK, thanks. And I assume it’s a to-be-continued topic. I was thinking about it, and maybe part of it too was I felt sort of pushed aside, even though I was clearly in a lot of pain. I know you had to focus on H, and I understand why, but it was still difficult. (Please don’t say the standard stuff about boundaries and keeping the balance, because I get that intellectually--this is emotional).

Me: I’m guessing a lot of that reaction is transference-related.

Me: What I’m trying to say is that I felt hurt by you today, even though I’m sure it wasn’t intentional and I know why you were acting the way you were. OK, just had to get that out, will shut up now. --LT
--
Hoping he responds to that at some point...

Spent most of the session talking about fear behind recent anger--I had 2 dissociative type flashbacks and froze and shivered. There were no cognitive memories associated with it but could describe some of it as related to helplessness. I was calm when I left as T is good with me when I have these episodes, but thinking back, I was really unsettled by the body-fear states.

T also shared with me that no one's anger is pretty, and that he had a good deal of his own to work through, perhaps more than I, and that getting past it led him to a better place. Why didn't you tell me that before instead of letting me feel like a monster for being angry last session?? T said children imagine monsters because that's how they perceive or experience anger before they have a higher level cognitive understanding of what it is. Interesting.

I wonder if the lack of cognitive memories makes therapy harder? When you can't put words to the feelings, except to describe them, no narrative is created. I also wonder if T feels less effective or frustrated sometimes because we cannot build a narrative of understanding through words? Describing emotions, while helpful, isn't the same as talking through memories and experiences.

T and I got down on the floor to look at a timeline of events. We shared some challenging stuff including disclosing childhood SA by three others. I told her I was scared I would just end when she goes on leave. She said she knows and new T and her won't let that happen.
I actually believe her.

my T and I sit on the floor every session, i love it! He is so sweet to do it, sometimes he is even sitting before I do

I am glad you had a good session with yours

Texted MC this morning because I was still feeling awful, asking if maybe we could talk (and I know he doesn't see clients on Tuesdays). He called a little after 4 (and we apparently talked for 43 minutes ).

He started with this long monologue about the session, and I kept thinking I could jump in, but then he was still going. Wasn't feeling too hopeful about the call at that point, because I thought maybe he just had this message he wanted to get across and wasn't going to respond to what was really bothering me. But we got there eventually.

He brought up his golf swing analogy again, saying that he was trying to use that to say we can keep doing things wrong, that everyone does that, and it's OK, that some things take practice. How he also still struggles with talking to his teenage son, that he'll often say the wrong thing, like what he thinks he should say, not what his son needs to hear right then. And he'll make a mistake, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love his son. But that we all have things like that, where we try to say the right thing but mess up. And that it's OK.

He said that what he was trying to get me to do in session--listen to H's feelings, reflect them back without talking about my stuff, etc.--is something that takes practice too. And that he didn't expect me to be perfect at it. That it was a skill I had to work on. And it was OK that I didn't get it right. That it didn't say anything about me as a person, that I was terrible or a failure (words I used at the time or in texts).

I said it was hard because it felt like he just kept pushing me and calling me on not saying the right thing, even though I was visibly very upset. He said how recently I'd asked him if I thought I was making progress. He said maybe a year ago, he wouldn't have done that, because he would have thought maybe I couldn't have handled it then. But he thought I could now, and he was right. I replied, "But I was sobbing and freaking out. I felt sick, I wanted to run out of the room." He said yes, I may have felt that way, that maybe it wasn't pleasant, but I still handled it. And things like that can be really difficult. Somewhere in there he also said he had respect for me, which was nice to hear.

I said how when I was really upset, it felt like I was out in the water and wanted someone to throw me a lifeboat (I meant "lifeline" but couldn't think of word!) but it felt like he was just there watching me drown. He said in the past, maybe he would have rescued me, thrown me a lifeline, but he thought I could handle it. I said how I wanted to take a break at one point but didn't feel like I should, and he said that would have been OK. That I could have sort of thrown my own lifeline.

Talked about it being OK to make mistakes, how he makes mistakes, and even if it's only 5% of the time in session, it still means he's making a mistake every few days. But that doesn't mean he should stop being a clinician. I said if it was more like 95% of time, might different. He laughed and said that would be time to take a hard look at his career. So he said it was OK for me to make mistakes, too. I said I knew that, but it was hard. He said how baseball players know it's not realistic to hit .500 so they don't expect to. I said I suspected my expectations of myself were higher than that, and he said, "Oh, I'm sure they're much higher." I said I knew I was a perfectionist and had to work on that. He agreed. And said he wanted it to be OK for me to make a mistake with H and just let it go as a mistake, not beat myself up over it or think it makes me a terrible person. I said yeah, that if I don't do the dishes, to not think I'm a terrible wife.

I said I didn't want to keep him on the phone, but had one other comment. He said it was OK, not to worry about it. I said I knew much of this was tied into transference. How I was worried that he thought, especially because of stuff in session, that I was selfish and self-centered. He said he didn't think that. How wanting to talk about my feelings and reactions didn't mean I was selfish. I thanked him and said that because I see him as an authority figure, I want him to think good things about me, that I'm a good person. He said that made sense.

And he said he hoped at some point...that he remembers how he used to always agree with what his older brother and sister said. And then at one point, he disagreed with them. But did he go along with them because he looked up to them? Or say his own thing? And that was sort of a big deal to him, when it was OK to feel that.

He said with the transference thing, that he hoped that I could reach a point where I could disagree with him and get angry or frustrated with him--I said I had felt that before. He said yes, but for it to be OK, for me not to worry about it, to not apologize for it. I said I guessed I hadn't had the best examples of that from authority figures, because my mom would be upset if I didn't agree with her, even when I was a teen.

Thing about it being OK to make mistakes came up again, and I said I remembered how he said at one point, he would ask his daughter what mistake she'd made that day and then high-five her for it, like "Good job!" I said maybe I needed to do that with H. But either he misheard me or was joking around, but he was like, "So you're going to find my daughter and start high-fiving her then? That's..." I said, "Yeah that might be a bit weird. I meant with H, or just myself. But then again, you did call her during that one session, but she didn't answer." He said maybe he'd have to find something else to call her about in session with us then, to bug her.

At the end, he said how he wasn't necessarily expecting them, but also wasn't surprised by my texts and e-mails after session. I said I hoped those were OK and that the call was, and he said they were, that it was all part of the process. I thanked him and said it was really helpful and that I appreciated his being OK with the contact and for calling me. He said that it was OK. He asked if I was feeling better, and I could honestly say that I was. He said he'd see me Monday and "Take care." I said him too and thanks. I know there was a lot in there (left some out, too), but it really didn't feel like nearly a full session's worth of time. And I was surprised to see that when I hung up and looked at call time on my phone.

Don't like the photo on Tapatalk showing for this thread so here's a pic of some mountains I took yesterday.

Its......

Not.......

WORKing.....

Fml............

What do you mean it's not working, JD? I see pics.

I'm trying to change the thumbnail view for this thread on the mobile app Tapatalk

Well, thanks for the peaceful pictures in the thread instead.

I see mountains as the thumbnail in Tapatalk now.

The session ended up spinning off in a different direction than I had expected, but that is OK. I showed R the piece of writing I did on Tuesday. Made me smile when she said ‘I’m sensing you’ve written something.’ I managed to read the piece aloud this time, and she said it was powerful. Then I wanted to start talking about September 2007.

In contrast to last time, I couldn’t even get the phrase ‘We nearly lost her three times in the back of the ambulance’ out. R picked up on my frustration and asked me to explain a bit more about what is going on inside my head. I described it as similar to a cloud coming over.


R can see how much I want and need to get this out, and yet it is beyond hard for me to go there. Next time I am in that space where it has the upper hand, she has asked me to try and write or draw something to help her understand what is going on.
I told her that this is the first time I have talked with somebody who really wants to know what this is like and isn’t as scared as I am.


‘So, that is a new dynamic for you. You described it earlier as being like shrapnel, so it is almost like you want to give me a guided tour...Sorry, I’m making it sound like a holiday. Not good of me to make a joke.’
I heartily appreciated the laugh. We will meet again on Tuesday at 11:00.