In Session Today : Part III

My session was really intense. I had a family medical emergency the day before T which obviously affected me more than I was aware as it all came out in session. A very little part was distraught and another youngish one was rageful. T had to stop him from beating his own legs. I can't quite piece it all together yet. T offered an extra session for Monday but I didn't take it. I wish now I had.

Sorry you had such a difficult session. Could you contact your T and see if he still has an opening for Monday?

MC today. We usually see him at 2:15, but a scheduling issue came up, and he called Friday to ask if we could change the time. So we saw him at 9:30 a.m.--not sure any of us were completely awake yet.

MC had also called me last Wed. night in response to an e-mail I'd sent saying I was bothered that he still seemed to act like I was the one who needed to change my thoughts/actions/reactions to H, that maybe stuff H was doing was contributing to my issues instead of it just being me. On the call, he'd said he wasn't trying to put the blame on me. That he wanted me to learn to deal with anxiety and stuff on my own instead of being dependent on H to do that for me. I tried to explain more, and he said he could suggest some stuff for H to do that might help. At the end of the call, he asked, "Are we OK?" The way he said it, it felt like he was almost looking for reassurance from me about the relationship. So it was a little weird. (Yeah, I know, countertransference...)

Today, MC actually got us pretty close to on time, unlike the last 2 weeks (30 and 15 minutes late, respectively--had he been late to get us today, I would have brought it up). Sat down, small talk, recapped what happened in past week. H was like, "It wasn't a particularly stressful weekend" (or something like that), and I was like, "Well, it kind of was for me on Saturday, since we had the memorial/wake thing for my uncle." I talked briefly about that and MC just looked really sad (his wife passed away almost a year ago). He said, "Those sorts of events are difficult, no matter who it is." I agreed.

I mentioned how H and I had talked the other night (my brain was having trouble recalling everything--I'm so not a morning person!), after my session with T. MC asked how that conversation went, and we both said pretty good. (I'd originally wanted to bring up the transference stuff from that session, since T had suggested I talk to MC about it. But it just felt like the wrong time to bring it up, for whatever reason.)

Then I brought up my reaction the night after last MC session. How I'd been fine right after session, but then when H got home, I got all panicky and was over-apologizing (something that had come up in session), then just felt kind of stuck. MC asked H what that was all like from his perspective. He said how it seemed to spiral for me, like I'd said something, then apologized for it, then got more anxious.

H talked about how when he first comes into the house from work, with D, he's carrying all this stuff and wants to put it down, then D usually stops right in front of the door to strip off her clothes. And then I'm apologizing from the kitchen before he even really gets in the door.

MC (clearly having paid attention to my e-mail/the phone call) asked if there was something H could say in response to my apologizing that would make me feel better. I said, "Even if he just said, 'It's OK,' or 'Don't worry about it,' that would help. H said he has said those things, but didn't seem to help. I said I didn't necessarily remember them. Though maybe he needs to say more than that, like, "It's OK dinner isn't ready yet/you haven't done the dishes. Finish what you're doing, I've got D until you're done." H and MC thought that sounded OK.

I said I worried though that if I was telling H what to say...would he just be saying it because I asked him to? And MC said that actually, him saying it just because I asked him to, because it would make me feel better, would be a way of showing he cared. I said I hadn't really thought about it like that, but it made sense.

MC said he wondered if some of what I was experiencing was time pressure, because I'd talked about when H would come home and worrying about things getting done. I said that was definitely a big part of it, how I was often looking at the clock like, "OK, they'll be home in 3 hours...now 2 hours, only an hour left!" And I'd have this stuff in my head that I'd intended to get down that day--I work from home, so work stuff, but then also other stuff. I mentioned how the previous week, I'd been trying to finish PhD application, but I stressed over what exactly to say, like finding the perfect word/phrase to use in my personal statement, how that could determine whether I got accepted or not.

Then I brought up stuff from a previous T session, where I started thinking again that maybe I have ADHD. I said how T's description of his wife, who he said has ADHD, going through a pile of papers was exactly like how I am doing that. So could it partly be that? Because I'll have this intention to get lots of stuff done, but just...don't manage to do it. And I try making lists, but that doesn't work either.

MC mentioned how "a few paragraphs ago," I'd used the term "perfect word"--so he wondered if it was maybe not so much ADHD but either OCD-ish stuff (I do have OCD) or perfectionism? How maybe I felt I had to do everything perfectly, so it would take me longer? I said that did make some sense...

MC said there was something else that he should have followed through with a bit more, which was his fault. But he noticed how I often talked really fast, which can indicate anxiety. And it's not just that it shows anxiety, but could lead to me feeling more anxious. And also make H feel more anxious. H said sometimes I'll say a whole paragraph before he even processed I was saying something.

So one suggestion MC had for us was to slow each other down. He said he knows it can be annoying to us/other clients when he starts talking more slowly in session, or asks clients to speak more slowly, but it really can affect the mood. I said the one recent session where he kept suggesting I talk more slowly actually did seem helpful. So he said maybe H could help encourage me to slow down, and vice versa.

I said also with H, that sometimes it seemed like he was running around frantically doing things, like cleaning, etc. And that made me feel like he was anxious. He said he wasn't anxious/stressed, just in a groove. I said maybe it was like for me, I was sensing anxiety from him, so that was making me anxious. And I said the same was probably happening with him if I talked fast, how he'd think I was stressed/anxious, which could raise his anxiety, when sometimes it's just that I talk fast because my mind moves fast. So we agreed to try to do the slowing down thing.

MC asked if there was something else H could be saying to make me feel more secure, beyond just "It's OK." Then MC sneezed. I said, "Probably not that!" and we all laughed. I said if he was more like, "It's OK, I've got D, you go ahead and finish making dinner" or something like that. H seemed open to doing that.

We were at close to an hour at that point, so scheduled for next Monday (back to usual time!) Shook hands, "It was good to see you," headed out.

Did send him a brief e-mail saying I'd wanted to talk about transference stuff, but it hadn't felt like the right time today, asking him a couple questions about what the end of transference is supposed to feel like and how I could tell if it's resolved vs. just shifting it to someone else (like T). MC wrote back an hour later, saying they were good questions without easy answers, so let's discuss on Monday. I said that worked.

My therapist said today that he feels like there's a big chasm between us and that he feels like I'm so lonely sitting on the couch. He also said something I can't quite remember about connection. But I do feel a connection to him. A strong one. Now I can't help but wonder if he doesn't feel a connection to me which just makes me feel sad and broken somehow. I desperately want to ask him if he feels any connection to me but I'm not sure I can. I don't know what to do.

I couldn't take it and ended up emailing him this morning. He responded that he does feel connected to me and we can talk about it more next session.

T today. Exchanged greetings, then I Said I felt should bring up topic that ended last session, how asked difficult question at end. T: Oh man, you might have to refresh my memory. Me: we were talking about fading transference for MC and you asked me about if maybe I was shifting transference to you? T: right of course.

Me: that was kind of a tough question for end of session. T: [apologetic look]. Me: was worried so was tempted to contact you, but I managed to get through it. T said was good I'd managed anxiety on my own, that he was impressed. Told myself you'd scheduled appointment with me as usual. And still shook my hand as usual. That you weren't like, "ew, no, attachment cooties!" T laughed and said, " is that the official name, attachment cooties? You are in public health." I said I wasn't sure, but if I got in PhD program, maybe that could be my dissertation topic.

T asked if I wanted to talk more about that. I said I was worried about what happened if I started getting transference for him. Especially since he'd said last week he didn't have the training in it that MC did. He said he understood how that could worry me. That he just meant that MC's training in psychodynamic was more focused on that, how it encouraged using it as technique while his didn't so much.

He said if I developed transference, we would work through it. That it would be OK. He wouldn't just drop me. I said that made me feel better. He said that of course because he has adolescents and teens as clients (his main focus, along with sports psychology), he's dealt with clients having transference, that it's pretty common, and he's comfortable working through it. Just doesn't have the specific training.

I said that all made me feel better. And I was more relaxed the rest of the appointment, like able to make more extended eye contact and stuff.

More later (lots of stuff in session but trying to keep my posts from being novels--instead several novellas!)

Are you kidding? Youre our very own charlotta dickens. We wait on the streets for the next instalment.

Is that the chick who wrote Jane Copperfield?

Is Little Nell alive?

"please, mistress, may i have some more?"

nevermind. now i'm just being silly...

was at a concert--will write more tomorrow

Back to oatmeal again?!

Wasn’t that porridge?

Well, I was improvising....

Part 2 of T session: the family of origin stuff:

I said I had my index card of topics, and he was like, "Are you going to take it out?" So I did, commenting how I'd even split the stuff into categories this time. It's a 4x6 card, lined on one side, but I'd written on the other side vertically, like I usually do. T said, "It fascinates me that you write on the non-lined side of the card and in the opposite direction."



Also mentioned some stuff about how my mom was acting toward me there, like how I offhandedly mentioned D getting speech therapy to my uncle's sister-in-law, and my mom shot me this look, suggesting she didn't want me to mention the autism. T asked if I said anything to my mom at the time, and I said no, didn't seem like the right setting. He said it would have been interesting to see what she said. I said, "Oh, she would have just denied that she gave me a look."

He asked if MC had ever met my mom, and I said no. Though I'd thought it could have been interesting because he thinks so many of my issues stem from stuff with my parents. I said how I'd thought more about what he said about bringing one or both of my parents to a session with him (T). That maybe that could be a good thing. But obviously I wouldn't do it in, like, the next few weeks because Christmas. He said no, something like that, you might want to spend months preparing for (which made me feel a bit better in light of attachment stuff, because it suggested he could picture us working together for that long...).

We talked more about what something like that could involve. Since he works a lot with teens, he talks to their parents a lot, including with them in the room. So he shared some of how he helps facilitate those conversations. Said again, like he'd said last time he mentioned topic, how I couldn't go into it looking for a certain result, like, an apology. That I had to know why I wanted to do it, that I'd be doing it to clear the air, remove tension from relationship, etc. I said that made sense. How I'd think more about it.

Stay tuned for part 3: Stuff about MC and evidence that T has better boundaries.

T and i talked about my med change and paranoia which is why i have 0 friends now. we played a game and i won. i left and felt pretty depressed.

We ended up talking about why I SH, something I had never done before this year. I told him I had thought about it a great deal and there were 3 reasons, which I then shared with him. It was a deeply humiliating conversation even though he reiterated he wasn't judging me.

During session, I started feeling oddly, like I was connected with T up to a point and then was disconnected. It was uncomfortable and it felt like a tornado of emotions. I haven't texted T in a long time because I haven't felt like I needed to do so. But this feels so painful and worrisome.

When I said something negative about something regarding work, I asked T why I felt this way. T told me that there are certain personality traits that basically make a person see things in a negative light. (or something like this). stupidly, I then asked what it was called, and he said neurotocism. I told T I didn't see myself as negative, and when I think of what other people at work mostly see I don't think they think this either. But they really don't know the real me. T does. He told me that I was born like this. I felt invalidated, like because I had a negative opinion of that one thing, I don't understand why I can't just be me, like why isn't my opinion valid? I feel like a math equation that has been reduced to nothing, zero.

I now want so badly to change my point of view about this thing. So I now have to pretend to be positive about this so people don't see who I really am. I don't want anyone to know me. I guess I took what T said in a negative light and am proving him right.

I feel like I have no idea what is going on with me and it has just decimated me lately. I don't know if a part of me is trying to distance myself from T. I don't know if a part of me is angry at him or not. I don't know anything and it is driving me crazy because I don't know how to articulate all of this. I wish I could just explode to relieve all of the pressure I feel. I feel damaged. I feel better. Both are true. I feel better at work, And I feel like I will always have to hide the true me.

I don't know the difference between what my opinion is, and what is a product of my negativity/BPD issues etc. I think I am nonhuman.

I agree with my T, am angry at myself for pushing him to tell me the label, am angry at T for introducing this concept, am angry at me, am angry that my opinion is being invalidated, angry at myself for feeling that way, happy that my humor is returning, sad that i have to feel this way, sad that I feel so confused, sad that i feel like a horrible person. Happy that work is better. Afraid of getting better and having to leave T. Happy that T reassured me that he was here as long as I needed him (or something close to this).
I am thankful for my T. I am confused because I want to text T to try and see if he can relieve this pain, but am afraid to text him because what if he can't reassure me, what if I am unreassurable.?? I don't feel that vulnerable child ego state. I just feel the need for relief from whatever it is that is bothering me????

Physically and mentally draining session today. R arrived with a cough/cold combination of her own, which made me feel a bit better about keeping the appointment.
“Morning Lost, how are you?”
“Powered by Lemsip today!”
“I did mean in relation to your cold…I’ve woken up with a bit of a cough. The kids bring it home from school.”

“Where I want to start today is a bit different than usual. I want to explain that.’ [pointing to picture on table]
‘I had noticed that around the time your Mum’s friend passed away, so I made an assumption, but wanted to wait for you to bring it up.’
‘The long and short of it is, that’s Chris.’
‘OK.’
‘The reason why I haven’t brought it up before now is because I was trying to work out why I needed it, for me.’
‘OK.’
‘I think it is an extra safety thing for me. In the beginning, we worked very hard on establishing boundaries and a sense of safety between us. Then I felt I needed something more.
“What you have done there is provided a summary of our relationship, and you brought something else in without telling me, which is perfectly OK. Can you help me understand – does it feel like with Chris…Chris’ picture there, she is helping you and giving you extra support?’
‘It makes it easier to talk about some of the more difficult aspects, but in some ways it makes it harder, and that’s that.’
‘Thank you for sharing that with me. I sense that it was hard for you to do so.’

I didn’t know what to say to that, so moved swiftly on. ‘The postscript to the anxiety attack situation.’
‘We rehearsed that conversation a bit last session…I wondered how you would get on with that.’
‘That’s why I didn’t want to leave it another week. I have been thinking about how I deal with medical stuff in comparison to the rest of the people in my circle…I feel like I should be able to deal with it.’
‘You ‘feel like you should be able to deal with it’. You feel like you’re different, in a negative way…but what I hear is an acceptance. ‘I can’t deal with that, and that’s OK.’’
‘I explained a bit more to my pottery tutor because I felt she deserved a bit more of an explanation.’
‘You felt she deserved a bit more of an explanation? How much did you say?’
‘It wasn’t in any great depth, so I just explained a little…and she responded with ‘You shouldn’t have opened the emails.’’
‘My heart sank when you said that.’
‘You shouldn’t have opened the emails. You should have got someone else to open them and delete them.’
‘I almost got a bit cross then ‘What are you thinking?’ That’s a really unhelpful response for where you are now. What would have been the response you were hoping for?’
‘The most useful responses I have received from people who aren’t able to engage with it have been ‘I’m sorry that happened to you.’ It doesn’t feel sufficient, and you want to say and do more…but for me, it’s enough.’
‘For you, it would have been enough. What was your aim in telling her?’
‘I wanted to help her understand.’
‘What leaps out at me there, and it’s not a criticism, is that you put her needs before your own.’
‘The emails exist…existed anyway. Not opening them would have left me in a Schrödinger’s cat type situation…’Yes’ where I wouldn’t know either way. Where most people’s response would have been ‘**** off,’ I allowed it to continue.’
‘It’s not my place to save you, but I can see you thinking ‘Oh, no…I’m doing what I did then.’ There is a clear difference. You weren’t in possession of all the facts then.’
‘I’m not sure there is a right state of mind to deal with that in, but I wasn’t in it. Back when I believed it was all happening….I hate making comparisons because it feels disrespectful.’
‘Throughout our sessions it is very clear to me that this [Chris’ death] is over here and sacred, and the other experience…You know I understand the difference.’
‘It didn’t happen like this because there was one reliable person who kept us informed when….When it became apparent that Chris was not going to live.’
‘I’m sorry Lost, but I have to reflect this back to you…what was that? You seem to have trouble when you are talking about people passing. You thought because of the distance and the fact that you were reliant on other people for information…’
‘There might come a point where I just wouldn’t hear from her again. And then, on the 22nd of January 2011, when I got the final email that Kim had died, I shut down. I didn’t have space to deal with it, and now it’s punctuated with…We both know what it’s punctuated with. Short of spending the time I am supposed to be asleep ‘I am safe, I am safe, I am safe…’ I don’t know what to do.’
‘What you are saying sounds pretty hopeless, and you sound exhausted, but your self-awareness has grown massively and you have the skills to do that self reflection on your own…’
‘I think it is a case of realising: yes, I am scared, but I am not alone.’ I desperately wanted to meet her gaze at that point, but for whatever reason, I didn’t.
‘There is no freedom in realising it was all fabricated.’
‘It seems as though that has just mixed up your emotions all the more, and there’s no ‘Phew!’
Intense session, culmination thereof that I get scared and run away…next week, I hope I won’t.

Final part of T session. Mentioned the phone call from MC last Wed., where he'd called me at 9:45 p.m. in response to an e-mail I'd sent about being unhappy with how he'd handled some stuff in session, where it felt like he was still acting like I was the one who had to make all the changes in the marriage. I hadn't requested a call, so it surprised me. MC had said some stuff about how he didn't blame me, how he didn't want me to be dependent on H. T said it sounded like he didn't fully understand what was bothering me. I said yes. But then he seemed to get it more, saying he could make some suggestions to H. And he ended up doing that in our next session, and it was helpful, so I think he ultimately did understand.

Told T how MC ended the call with, "Are we OK?" How it felt a bit odd, almost like he wanted reassurance about our relationship, too. T said how therapists get more familiar with clients the longer they know them, so this could have been a familiarity thing. Like if I'd just started working with him, MC might have said, "Are you still upset?" but since he's known me a long time, he said, "Are we OK?" instead. Not sure if T totally got what I was driving at there (countertransference from MC), but I said that explanation could make sense. He also said with the lateness of the call, that he gets the sense that MC generally isn't too aware of the time (they used to work together), so maybe he didn't realize how late it was. I said that made sense.

I think he's trying really hard not to be judgmental of MC--which in some ways I appreciate, because ex-T being judgmental of him was hard for me (and I told current T this when I first started seeing him). At the same time, a bit more validation for my interpretation would be good.

I said how at one point, I'd wondered if I could have met with MC and ex-T, to have ex-T be a bit of a mediator. T seemed to think that was interesting, but said could have been awkward with them working in same office. I said it occurred to me that I could have met with MC in T's office, and he asked more about that. I said it was almost like I wanted to confront him about things. To talk about the role he'd played in the transference, like it wasn't just me. But I worried about what MC's reaction would be, if he'd just be defensive. T said, like the thing with my mom, I couldn't go into it hoping for a particular reaction. I said it was more to assert myself, that I wasn't just this needy person, that he'd contributed to it. T seemed to think it was an interesting idea to consider.

I said the concern again about MC acting defensive. And I said, "No offense, but you guys seem like you tend to get defensive about those sorts of things. Not that you really have yet, but ex-T and MC." T said how if someone has been practicing a while, it can be easy to fall into a place of almost narcissism, like a God complex. And that if he's ever defensive like that to me, he wants me to call him out on it. I said I would. (I appreciated him saying that.)

I said one of the things that I wanted to bring up to MC is how his talking about his kids so much contributed to the transference/attachment. And with T, even though there was other stuff I wanted to know about his son, I wasn't asking it.
Me: For example--and I'm not looking for an answer to this--but I'm curious as to whether your son is higher- or lower-functioning in the autism spectrum. But I'm not asking, because I know that could affect how I talk about D. Like, if I knew your son was low-functioning, maybe I'd feel weird lamenting D struggling with certain things, when I know you're dealing with worse stuff with your son."

T: That's exactly why you shouldn't know the details about my son at all, that I wish you didn't know what you did (ex-T told me his son was on spectrum), because I think that's affecting what you talk to me about.

Me: I'm not sure it's really affected it. Well... I guess when I talked about the biomedical stuff, I was concerned about what your opinion was on it because of your son. So, I guess, maybe it has affected it a little.

T: Yes, exactly, I think it has. I choose to have a picture of my son on my desk, and if people asked, I'd say, "That's my son. He's 10." But not share more than that about him.

Me: You're choosing to put the picture there, so you'd have to expect that question. But...I guess with MC Monday, when I mentioned the stuff about the memorial, I could tell he looked sad, and then I wondered if I should stop talking about it. But then, I knew I shouldn't, because, I mean, death is a common topic in therapy. And if I was avoiding that because of his wife... I'm sure his clients who don't know about her talk about death all the time.

T: Yes, death and grieving are very frequent topics in therapy. And that's a perfect example of how knowing things about the therapist can negatively affect the therapy.

Talked a bit about boundaries, how they exist in all relationships, not just therapy. Like you're probably not going to talk about personal stuff with your electrician or boss.
T: Yes, like you probably wouldn't want to tell your boss about sexual difficulties or your desire to steal the office microwave.

Me (joking): I hear microwaves can fetch quite a bit on the black market!

T: No they don't, I have no idea why I used that as an example!

Me: I guess the therapy relationship is especially weird because the client can share anything with the therapist, and the therapist is supposed to accept any of that, but not share their own stuff. Maybe I should have said "unique," not "weird."

T: You can call it "weird." It kind of is. I mean, you help me pay my rent, and I help you therapeutically.
Me: True!

Scheduled for next week, went to pay, mentioned how I was headed right out to a concert. Said name of band, he said he didn't know them, isn't that familiar with music. I asked if he just liked classical, as that's what he plays in the waiting room. He said not really, that he's just one of those people who's not into music, it just doesn't do much for him. How he knows that's not the case for many people, how some, like me, go out of my way for it. He said, "Be careful out there" and shook my hand. I said, "I'll see you next week," and he replied, "Of course."

t e-mailed me about something I emailed him .I wrote that I was scared to tell him during our session yesterday... But that that's pretty much a good description of how I've been the past week.

T wrote back this morning and said that this is something we need to talk about in session. He said If I feel like I might harm myself to please let him know immediately and/or go to the emergency room. He said please use your coping skills and remind yourself that you are going through med changes and things will improve. He said I care about you and signed his name

Hugs...please stay safe. Is he maybe able to see you before next Wed.? (I think that's when your appointments are, right?)

I thought about asking him but haven't yet. His schedule is very booked up each week because hes working less. Because of the baby

I had a weird session today. Last week was very intense and dissociative, so much so that t asked me if I wanted to have an extra session on Monday but I said no. Things calmed down but maybe too much. Today's session was just so..... blank. I felt really closed and shut off and couldn't connect with her or anything or even myself. We talked about random mindless fluff with long silences inbetween. It was one of those sessions where you think why am I even doing this. What a waste.
Why am I doing this???

I emailed T about if he had any extra time. He wrote back that unfortunately he doesn't bc he's covering for another therapist that is out of town.. he said sorry and that he'll let me know if something opens up.

but I doubt anything will