How to stop pushing my T away?

I don't post here much these days. Therapy is good, my T is awesome, last week we had 2 fantastic sessions and I realize I trust him more than anyone in my life and its a very scary thing. Terrifying.

I have issues getting close to people... in any form. So this is very new and scary for me... and naturally.... I am trying to push him away. I am finding myself nitpicking every thing so I can be angry at him for no good reason and making up excuses for not wanting to go anymore etc...

I don't WANT to keep repeating this pattern... I have someone I really trust so its a great time to work through it but how, when I am doing everything I can think of to push him away now?

I don't wanna lose him... and I don't wanna do this yet again to someone. I need advice.

Great thread!
I do exactly the same, I'd be interested to read the responses!

I agree it is terrifying to let your self be so vulnerable and open....!
Maybe talking to him about it might be helpful. Perhaps he can give you some insight into why you are doing it and once he knows what you are doing (which he may likely already) he can help you to explore it more.

I just exited a situation with my former T and am so confused if I did the right thing. I also have issues getting close and really freak out when I get attached. I dunno. It's all a fine line in my case, because I believe therapy had stalled and I do have a history of becoming attached to unavailable women (and just by the nature of her job, she's unavailable to the extent of which I desired platonically).

I'm certainly interested in the responses, because it's scary and agonizing.

I think this is hard. I find this hard too. And if we found it easy and straightforward, maybe we wouldn't be going to therapy? I know that for me anyway this is a major thing I am addressing in my life through therapy.
I think with help and hard work and patience it can get better.

I tend to move forward with it, open myself up a little bit, then pull straight away again. So hard, but like someone else said, I suppose that's one of the reasons we in therapy to begin with!

Someone else said to maybe explain it to you T, has anyone had this conversation with them? If so, how did you tell then? And what was their response to this?

I've mentioned it before briefly but he didn't seem phased by it. We didn't really dive into it. Not sure he really gets how serious I am.

I am sure it stems from my childhood emotional abuse/neglect. I am not even someone who allows my "best friend" to get close to me. We live in different states, see each other 1x a year and communicate by text only otherwise.

I will try to bring it up again. I HATE feeling needy and I feel ashamed to want to push him away when he is trying to help, ugh... hard convo but I will do my best on Friday

I'm the same. Even my 'closest' friends are still often held at a distance. I found it extremely hard to let my T in fully and spent a lot of my time in sessions speaking about surface level things. That has changed alot in recent months. Not sure why but I think it had something to do with my feelings towards her and the realization that in order to progress I had to open up. I was also able to explore the difficulties I had in trusting her. It's as scary as hell to let someone in and be vulnerable so it's totally understandable that you are scared especially if you have been let down a lot before. I am completely trusting in my T's abilities to do her job but also know that she is human so not infallible which is nervewracking. I am hoping that by opening up and placing my trust in her hands however that we can navigate this crazy therapy world together and somehow it will enable me to come out the other side intact.

Might be an idea to try bring it up again and emphasize how at times you are feeling like you want to quit and coming up with excuses not to go etc. I understand it makes you feel needy but that it's okay to have needs and right now it sounds like you need to explore this more. He might not be able to tell you the things you want him to say to reassure you but might help even exploring what those are or why you feel like that.

I oscillate from wanting to be clingy to wanting to push her away. Both are because I'm afraid of losing her. It's not logical, but in my mind, if I push her away it will be less painful then if she leaves me. In reality, both would kill me.

I deal with it by being upfront and telling her. We'll talk about it and she'll reassure me that she's not going anywhere. Even today I told her that I'm struggling with it. I also try my hardest not to react to either feelings. I try to remind myself that it's not about her, but about people in my past. And that both pushing her away and clinging to her are not what I really want. It's hard though. But with practice, you get used to fighting the urge.

The "not sure he really gets how serious I am" was the beginning of the downfall between me and my former T. NOT saying this is going to happen for you.

For me, It turned into me bringing it up and her saying, "Oh you wanna talk about this again?" and later when I jokingly would say, "Almost didn't come today. Tough," she would kinda roll her eyes (jokingly as well) and say, "Oh God, not again." I often joke around about things I'm serious about, a huge trait of someone with attachment issues, and she not only missed it, but was sarcastic. I don't mind sarcasm, but it screamed to me she didn't quite know the issues I have.

For me, I want to be "seen." I take into consideration what a T asks, what they don't ask, all of it and she didn't seem to "see" me. There's only been one therapist who describes me back to me and that's Alan Robarge and he's in Philly, but I love his YouTube videos.

ya i read your story, it was tough and very sad.

i don't think he would be like that, he has been nothing but gentle and kind since even our first phone call before we met. he reassured me when i brought up my attachment that he isn't gonna change how he is with me and he wont terminate me.

i just think all i ever said about it was "i feel myself torn between embracing the attachment and pushing you away" and then he talked about how the attachment was ok with him unless it got to an unhealthy level and we moved on to the next issue.

i just dont think he knows that i am actually already pushing, or trying to, push him away, weirdly enough last week was the best week I've had so far, then a stupid thing he said in his email, just rubbed me the wrong way and I've been all about doing anything to not go anymore. sigh...

i have a desire to tell him but knowing me i wont. ill keep it in and be all excited and happy to see him again.

It sounds like you have a good therapeutic relationship which is obviously an important factor. So many stories of the opposite on these forums nice to hear a positive one. It might be difficult to talk about but you can't begin to address it until you get it out in the open. If he is as understanding as you have said he is, he should be happy to talk more about it.

we talked about it a little. its out in the open at least. i feel better about it overall but he had to tell me about how he was getting ready to say goodbye to a client he had over 2 yrs, and she is very attached, so now I'm insanely depressed thinking about that. i sometime regret therapy lol... i am so more emotional now

Would you HAVE to finish after two years?
My T believes in finishing when the client feels ready and wants to finish. I've been going for five years! Although this year I've gone mostly once a month, which is a lot less - then a little more recently when I hit a tough spot.
I think perhaps some Ts are more flexible than others about how long therapy lasts. If the T is totally flexible then there's no need to feel worried about being kicked out when you don't want to leave - although I totally understand this fear and have definitely experienced it!

no its not that, he assured me its when I'm ready.... but its just i dont do well with ppl who matter to me being out of my life. the longer i go, the harder it will be to end it.

this particular client he still sees weekly even thought he has told me its a gradual drop off, going less and less before you end.... and he says she is already struggling with it, with 4 month of prep to end it... i just dont see my handling it well, especially if a hit a year or more with him.

Did that happen with another therapist?

T's are there to help us with our issues. It seems if this is one of your areas of concern, he would stay and help you with it rather than letting you push him away....as part of the therapy.

Something you might want to put in the back of your mind is that what you feel and think today about concerning issues might not be the same if therapy is working for you. I always felt the longer I stayed around the more someone would get to know the real me, find me abhorrent and leave me. So it was important I do the leaving first. As therapy and my life evolved that changed. I can now hold onto what was and call it up if needed for support or if moments of loneliness come. If a therapy works then those people that matter will never really be out of our lives. We can hold onto them forever.

no, i just mean it happens with people in my life in general. anyone gets close to me, i push away.