[ScarletPimpernel]

For those of you who have a good relationship with your T: do you think you "molded" them in some way to be how you need them to be? If so, is the relationship still real?

I know there's things I don't like about my T, so I'm not completely idealizing her. But I wonder if some of the things she does is only because I need that of her and so she adjusted? Would she adjust if our relationship was different? Is she still herself? I guess it sometimes feels too good to be true when it comes to my T. I wonder why someone like her chooses to stay in my life. I know she says she treats all her clients the same. So did I just get lucky and find a T that matches me so well? Or is this an act?

**Btw: no I don't think it's a complete act. If I did, I'd leave.

[growlycat]

I think it can go both ways. I feel like my t has adapted to me but I have also adapted to him too. I know he had adhd so I do my best to be patient with his squirrelly moments until he settles in and gives me his full attention. He just needs a moment. Also, I have learned where he is flexible and where he is not. His flexibility can be pretty astounding which makes his harder boundaries not easy to understand even in context. I had to learn what he means by certain expressions and sayings.

He's definitely adapted to my needs which is different to me moulding him I think. Moulding suggests a deliberate act on my part. For me, it is definitely still genuine - it would be more inauthentic if he were to remain rigid and robot-like in the face of an evolving relationship.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

He's definitely adapted to my needs which is different to me moulding him I think. Moulding suggests a deliberate act on my part. For me, it is definitely still genuine - it would be more inauthentic if he were to remain rigid and robot-like in the face of an evolving relationship.

I guess sometimes I feel like I've forced her to be a certain way. Maybe manipulate is a better word than forced. Though it's not a conscious manipulation.

[seeker33]

I have told her what I need, what works and doesn't work for me. On some occasions she tried to push her strategy anyway, which didn't work. After that, we found a better way to work together. I think she's significantly changed her approach over our time together.
I'm a sensitive and stubborn person sometimes so I need to feel in control all the time. If I didn't feel that way I would leave.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I guess sometimes I feel like I've forced her to be a certain way. Maybe manipulate is a better word than forced. Though it's not a conscious manipulation.

It's her job to be adaptable. I doubt you are manipulating her, and if she felt you were she should be able to manage that.
It sounds like you have some negative beliefs about yourself that you are manipulative, and I can relate to that. I would talk to your T about this.

I think that's just a good relationship.
A mother bends, to meet their child's needs /personality. They don't lose themselves in the process. They're still them, but you are both the sum total of YOUR relationship.
This is how we are all unique to the T. How she is with you is unique to you and her. It's a good thing. I'm pleased someone else on here has a good therapeutic experience.

[rainbow8]

My T told me once that I'm the only client who emails her other than for scheduling. She never liked doing it, and I tried to stop at times. That didn't work for me. We agreed to try my emailing but her not replying. That didn't work for me either. T changed just for me. We are both comfortable with my emails now, and she always emails back. I think it's a sign of a good relationship and a good T not to be too rigid. Scarlet, you have a good T, and a good relationship with her.

I forgot to answer your question! Yes, I think our Ts are real to us. Adapting (I don't think molding them is the best descriptor) to us doesn't seem to me relevant to being real or not. Maybe I misunderstood what you meant?

[zoiecat]

It is their job to mold themselves to what works best for each individual client, within their own boundaries of course. I don' think any client sees the true therapists real life personality. They are all acting to some degree. They are not as attentive and understanding with people all the time in their real life.

I have told my T what works best for me and what bothers me and he has made adjustments of his own free choice. I know because I recently told him I felt guilty about a change he made after a rupture. Explain my guilt is due to my upbringing and it was his choice to change the way he is doing things. I would not call it manipulation at all and if the therapist felt manipulated I think they would resent making any changes or not make them at all. Then again we all have to do things we don't like in the workplace so if they felt manipulated maybe they would change for the sake of successfully doing their job but I can still see where they would feel resentful.

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

I think that's just a good relationship.
A mother bends, to meet their child's needs /personality. They don't lose themselves in the process. They're still them, but you are both the sum total of YOUR relationship.
This is how we are all unique to the T. How she is with you is unique to you and her. It's a good thing. I'm pleased someone else on here has a good therapeutic experience.

I like what you said there, Mouse. Thank you. And it makes me feel so grateful overall for the therapeutic experience I've had with my t. Yes we've had a few bumps in the road along the way but I think now that's just part of the growth. For both of us. She has said that she learns from me, too.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think MC definitely adapted to me, and current T is beginning to adapt to me. I have perhaps tried to mold T a bit in giving him feedback, telling what I do and don't want from him at certain times. But really, it's his choice in whether to take that feedback vs. just saying, "Well, this is how I am, take me or leave me." His willingness to take feedback and adapt--really, any T's willingness to adapt--is a big part for me in whether I can work with them.

I feel like, in T's treating their clients equally, it's more of an "each according to their needs" kinda thing (yeah, I know that's from socialism, but it seems to fit). For example, many clients probably wouldn't feel the need to have any outside contact with their T. So if a T isn't making outside contact with them, while e-mailing with other clients, that doesn't mean he or she isn't treating all clients equally. Or, say, for my T offering me some extra sessions--I'm sure he'd offer the same to other clients if they asked or seemed in need of them. But I pay the same rate for extra sessions, so it's not like he's doing that for me as a favor. (And even in the case of T's offering a sliding-scale, they're having clients pay what they can, which I see as equal in a way.)

OK, not sure how much sense I'm making. I don't think clients can "mold" their T's unless their T's are willing to be molded. And I think in that case, it's more of an adapting to each individual client, which is what they should ideally be doing anyway (with the exception of, say, a T who strictly provides just 8-week CBT or something like that). I don't think it's not being "real" or that it's an act--I mean, I'm probably somewhat different to everyone in my life, even between different friends, but that doesn't mean I'm not being "real" or putting on an act. Just adapting.

[rainbow8]

My T also says she learns from me.
.

[ElectricManatee]

I compare therapy to parenting a lot, which is influenced in large part by my therapist's philosophy/orientation and also by my understanding of what I didn't get in childhood but should have. My sense is that a good-enough parent adapts to the child. They observe who their child actually is, where their child struggles and where they don't, and offer them the things they need to grow, whether it is extra love and affection, more structure, challenges to work through, ways to get certain skills, or whatever. Just like how siblings can be so incredibly different, each client has their own unique strengths and weaknesses that they bring to therapy. So the therapist is going to adapt, offering certain things from their own experience or different sides of their personality depending on what the client needs to have in order to grow. I don't think that's fake at all. I think it's incredibly caring.

Boundaries and limits are what keep the T from losing themselves in this. If they just gave you whatever you wanted and as much of it as you wanted, they would likely feel unhappy and depleted. I don't think they could be themselves in the relationship. So if your T strikes a balance between meeting your needs and keeping herself happy and safe within the relationship, then I think you have found a good therapeutic situation.

Mines has been very adaptable, and it's helped. I don't really mind it, though I understand your worry. I worry about that with any type of friend in my life, I'm worried that I'm manipulating someone to be how I want them to be. Or that they'll do something for me even if it's not something they'd want to do on their own. Had a very aggressive/dominant first gf. But she also changed herself to anything I commented on but wasn't necessarally a complaint. It made me feel controlling.
But back to my T, the first T was kinda triggering and when I brought up things that bothered me she only explained it was her methods but didn't seem apologetic or like she'd be willing to change. So my knowing the T I see now adapts to be who I need her to be, is very important.
The only other thing is, sometimes I can feel her hesitation or something that she's holding back. Like maybe she's dials herself back during our session. This is where it gets a little difficult because my mind sees it as being her not being genuine and reverts to doubting her.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

But I wonder if some of the things she does is only because I need that of her and so she adjusted? Would she adjust if our relationship was different? Is she still herself? I guess it sometimes feels too good to be true when it comes to my T. I wonder why someone like her chooses to stay in my life. I know she says she treats all her clients the same. So did I just get lucky and find a T that matches me so well? Or is this an act?

**Btw: no I don't think it's a complete act. If I did, I'd leave.

IMO, in all kinds of healthy relationships, each partner "adjusts" to the other. Part of being a good partner or friend or T or client is learning to ask for what you want, which is pretty opposite of expecting someone to read your mind. And part of being a good partner is giving your partner what they want as long as that works for you. "Stay home every evening and never go out with your friends, sit next to me on the couch while I read my book" might be something asked for but it's hard to imagine how that couldn't be anything but co-dependence on the part of the person who agrees. However, if what's asked for is to stay in next Friday night to celebrate our anniversary, that's both a reasonable request and seems like most people would be willing to do that rather than engage in the opposite problem of denying someone everything they ask for. I think good partners (at least for me) are those who make an attempt to give me what I ask for, and communicate around the issues of what we want. "Tell me what I can do to be helpful to you today" was something we used to ask each other fairly regularly. I'd do what I could to be helpful as long as it didn't compromise what I needed for myself.

I have asked my T to adjust for me, including moving his chair further away and to not let silences drag on for too long. He moved his chair and he jumps in faster for silences. There are other things, too, where I've had to adjust, where he said he wasn't good at doing what I asked (then he demonstrated he was no good, and I said yeah don't do that).

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

The two people involved in any relationship should adjust to each other. Otherwise it won't work. I adjust to the needs of my friends, my partner and my boss. I don't see why a T should not adjust to some of my needs.

But, as in any other relationship, there are things that should be adjusted, and others that should not. I won't adjust to the extend of not being myself anymore for anyone and neither should a T. But adjusting small things like say not mention a certain thing around a friend because they don't like that, this is fine.