weird session

i guess i knew that it would be. nothing could live up to the last one lol. talked a little bit about work and mostly about... message boards.

i guess the idea is that... i don't know how to see something... don't know how to describe it. have a whole heap of hurt feelings and anger and stuff and i'm not really doing so well of making sense of it myself. i guess that is why i thought it was important to talk about it. (should tell him that, huh).

weird thing was that i was telling him about people on boards... and about how such good friendships can develop etc etc etc. emphasising the similarity to ftf and saying how in some respects it might be even better... and then he said 'our time is about up' which is a cue for me to make sure i'm together and refocusing on what i need to do next. when he said that... i realised how much i'd really curled up in on myself. the back of my eyes or maybe a bit behind that - in my head. all curled up in on myself. talking about meeting people (people outside of myself) and when i think of connecting with them curling up in on myself. weird.

weird.

i said that i'd noticed that i'd curled up in on my head. that maybe it wasn't much like ftf after all. that i really don't think... that i'd want to meet people who i talk to on boards IRL. not really. except for one... and when the opportunity came i didn't do it (though admittedly i had a pretty good reason).

but our time was up. he said something about 'i don't think that this isn't important but....' and our time was up.

hmm.

how are you doing?
all you people in my head...
lol
i feel weird.

So, do you know why you did the curl up in your head thing? What was weird/different about it from your usual sessions?

It was really frustrating for me the first few years in therapy because I didn't have enough words yet to describe things or get out of my head. I had all these things going on in my head that were distracting but I didn't have enough ways to pull myself away from the distractions and/or not enough words/ways to talk to/express myself to my T or others irl. Every now and then I'd become aware of the dilemma and my inability yet to solve it and that was worst of all, the can't-punch-my-way-out-of-a-wet-paper-bag feeling.

part of what was weird about it was that i was trying to talk about stuff that i'm really confused about. i mean, i've tried to talk about this stuff before, but i really don't think he gets how important it is to me. or i really don't think he gets how much it has affected me. or something. this time... i think he was getting it, though. he said something about how it 'sucks to feel powerless' and it reminds him of when i told him about how i used to go to my room as a kid in order to retain some control.

i didn't really know what to say about that. so i started ranting about all kinds of other stuff.

sometimes... sometimes i get in this really angry place and i say things that i think are unfair later. i think i did that. and while i was doing it things were going kinda black and i realised that i was inside myself. inside my defensive fort or something. i remembered thinking 'i'm not powerless' and feeling a little indignant. i mean... i don't figure i need to protect myself from him...

but maybe... i'm not happy with expressing dependency either (which i have been). and maybe... i need to show him that i have a defensive fort and so he can't hurt me anyway he can't he can't HE CAN'T (and if i say it often enough then maybe it will be true).

i suppose... it was a good session really. good in the sense of productive. it is just that last time i felt so connected to him and so... kind of harmonious with him. this time i felt... seperate. indignant. aloof (kind of though trying to connect really genuinely trying as best i could).

maybe... after dependency is expressed then anger / hostility / attempts to individuate tend to follow. maybe... next tuesday will be better.

i have this urge to send him an email saying that i appreciate that a lot of what i said was really unfair and that i was just not in the best place... that i realise it is more about my %#@&#! than anything else...

trouble is: narcissism. its there lurking in me somewhere and sometimes it comes out (or sometimes i become aware of it). and when i become aware of it i feel so self conscious... so hyperaware. and i feel... disgusted. repulsed. nauseous.

i've figured out that there is this thing he does when i'm in the midst of one of my narcissistic rants. he pushes his legs forward instead of resting his feet flat on the floor and he kind of leans back into his chair. maybe... he is doing it to try and give me some space... it feels like... well... i thought... he was feeling narcissistic about then. but its me... its me... he is mirroring me and i'm projecting. :-(

why is it...

that i don't mind narcissism in some other individuals (though not in all admittedly) but i find it truely abhorrent in me? when i struggle with it in other people is it because they are more similar to me? how are they/me different from the first bunch? painful. maybe... maybe this relates somewhat to mouses stuff... i never could be narcissistic. empathy. i had to be a mindreader so i could jump from the hand BEFORE it flew my way. it was never about me. never. so this primative desire for it to all be about me for a time. me me me i think i want to throw up.

Ooooh, that does sound like a "good" session. I remember the times we explored the anger/connection thing, how it's hard to "feel"/know you are connected when you're angry, especially with T and yet it is necessary to express those feelings.

No throwing up with the me, me, me! You only want it to be about you without the hand coming your way! That's "normal"!!! When you are working/talking/thinking/being, it should be about you, that's the only person it can be about. When people relate to you it should be about you, all the time, but without that damn hand in there, only hurting, only being about the person on the other end of it.

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maybe... after dependency is expressed then anger / hostility / attempts to individuate tend to follow. maybe... next tuesday will be better.



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Yeah sounds very much like me today...

Hey Perna.

Yeah, I think it was a good session. It didn't *feel* good, but I think it was productive... I need to spend some time processing it, I think. Will try and return to some of it next time.

I don't think I felt angry at my t. Maybe a little repulsed by him... But I realise now I was projecting what I was doing onto my t (which was helped along by his mirroring me, I guess). I was angry at someone else. Strangely enough... I think that I'm only really aware of feeling angry at that other person. And... At people more generally sometimes. It is something that I don't like about myself. I think that my anger at others is mostly about my being uncharitable and my misunderstanding them. I guess... I need to figure out what my needs are and how they might be frustrated. Figure out what is behind the anger. I don't like the anger at all. Find it repulsive.

With the 'me me me' I think it is about narcissism... I mean... It is about 'me me me' in the absence of appropriate empathy for others and in the absence of an appropriate understand of, or appreciation of, appropriate give and take. It is like... People with dysthymia often say that they give more to others than others give to them. If people interview their close friends and family, however, then their family say that they feel like they give more to the person than the person gives to them. One hypothesis is that people with dysthymia have inappropriate conceptions of, or inappropriate appreciation of appropriate giving. Maybe they don't appreciate what it is that others do for them or maybe they don't appreciate that some of their giving isn't appreciated as such by others. I guess I'm thinking that some of that might be going on for me. And my misconceptions... Are what is resulting in my anger.

When people are hurting they do focus in on their hurt and that means they aren't in a position to appropriately empathise with others. My t said something before about how I'm very empathetic (he said it like that was pathological). I think sometimes I am hyper alert / vigilant and that is what he is picking up on... Trying to figure where he is at to know whether I'm in danger or not... But appropriate empathy for others... I think I need to become more empathetic and I think that being able to appreciate things better from others point of view will reduce / alleviate / perhaps even eliminate the anger.

I feel like... I showed him something horrible and distorted and repulsive last session. I guess it was kinda good to share that... But at the same time... I feel quite mortified / horrified with myself.

hey mouse.

i read some stuff... a while back now. it was about transference and about how the nature of the transference changes as part of the working through. there are many different accounts on the way that things have gone with particular patients (case studies, basically). some general patterns emerge... i take note of the patterns that resonate with me. might be that this resonates with you a little.

idealising transference isn't that uncommon in the initial stages. the therapist listens empathetically and expresses concern for the patient. the therapist is reliably (or fairly reliably there for the patient). and so... an idealising transference develops. the therapist is a powerful and benevolent other who provides safety and security and caring and things go on in this vein for a while. the patient gets to express (and deal with fears around) feeling needy and dependent and longing for a secure base.

then... after a time... the nature of the transference changes. instead of longing to merge with an idealised other (part of the previous transference) fears of being subsumed can develop. the patient now needs to experience themselves as seperate and independent from the other. this is a normal process of development. otherwise known as the 'terrible twos' ;-)

maybe... some of this is about the nature of the transference changing. of course the nature of the transference can change from month to month or week to week or hour to hour or even minute to minute. just because things are evolving this way doesn't mean that some sessions won't be like they were before. the connection is still there, but the nature of the connection can take on a different quality. it is an important part of the working through but it can feel hard (more disconnected and alienating) than the previous kind of merger transference.

anger... can be about being a seperate and distinct individual with ones own needs. some people (myself included) needed to be a certain way in order for it to be possible for others to care for me. that didn't mean they cared for me appropriately, but it does mean that i needed to deny / repress my own needs and desires in order to moniter what was going on from them in order to have a chance to be cared for by them.

so now... contrariness... emphasising distinctness from my therapist... expressing anger... asserting my own needs and desires that may well be different from what my therapist thinks i need and desire...

well... it takes a great background of trust to be able to express some of those aspects of oneself. i mean... if i expressed them as a kid i would have been rejected for sure. when i feel some of those feelings... i jolly well want to abandon / reject myself. internalisation of my abusers, i guess. can't believe that my therapist isn't repulsed cause i sure as hell am...

feels hard. wish i could curl up around him sometimes. wish he could hold me. wish i could be subsumed under his care and concern.

but then i'm me i'm me i'm not him i'm not. i have needs and desires seperate from you. so... back to some disconnection again.

its progress mouse. can feel hard at times...
but then... needy dependency could also feel hard at times...

hang in there.

its a kind of a trust that... sometimes its okay to want to disconnect. its okay to disconnect and go ones own way. therapist will be there... will be there... so when we need to refuel with a connection therapist will be there for us willing to do that with us when we need. but therapist can handle us being our own person. its okay for you to walk out of a session early. therapist still cares about you and will be there for you next session if you want to talk or if you want to leave early again. therapist is still there for you whatever you need to do. its okay to be you. all of you is okay. its okay to feel angry. maybe its about... learning about object constancy. its okay for you to go away for a time. t will still be there for you. just like how its okay for therapist to go away for a time. t will still come back to you. its okay :-)