anybody else, or am I just weird?

I've been thinking about something since I left my T yesterday afternoon. It is my utter inability to find what happened to me (pick an abuse, it happened to me as a kid) horrible. "Normal" people are appalled and wonder how I can talk about such things so matter of factly. Is it a self esteem issue, that I can't think that way? Is it feeling like I don't deserve to be treated better? Is it that I know people who were treated WORSE and so don't think anything of what happened to me? (I do have a couple of friends who fall in that category.) I mean, if someone sat there and told me the things I have to tell, I'd be horrified, and feel awful for them. But I have a complete lack of emotion surrounding it for myself.

While I was in the ha-ha house in November, in one group we were talking about anger, and I told the group about having to get in between my parents because they had knives at each other's throats. People literally gasped. It completely freaked them out. To me? Eh. I don't see the horror. It always surprises me when somebody else does.

Am I just weird, or is there some dusty psychological theory that explains this? :-) Or is it just an extreme case of dissociation? I dunno. It kind of bothers me, though. My T kept trying to tell me that I was innocent and had things taken away from me that I shouldn't have, and while rationally I believe him, emotionally I'm just, "yeah, whatever." I can get furious on anyone else's behalf but my own.

So whatup with this, do you think?

Candy

candy, i so understand. i can tell t things and swear he tears up and is shocked (and he's a trauma trained t). it shocks and bothers me to know that i don't shed a tear or show any emotion.

if i understand it right, it's because events, memories and feelings have all be compartmentalized...separately. memories separate from emotions even. it's a coping mechanism.

anyhow, alot of times i'll remember with no emotion. sometimes i have emotion and no memory...very RARELY do i have both at the same time.

i think that t's was right when he explained that they're stored in different places.

be safe and gl,

kd

Candy, I completely understand what you are talking about. I'm so removed from my own feelings that I can rattle off events of abuse like it's a walk in the park. I'm so removed from my emotions I don't know when I should even have them. Think growing up we had to turn the emotions off so to get through the situation. We can understand other peoples emotions dealing with their abuse, but not our own. I think it's a normal form of dissociation. I don't think you are weird at all. Good Luck, Monty

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Normal" people are appalled and wonder how I can talk about such things so matter of factly. Is it a self esteem issue, that I can't think that way? Is it feeling like I don't deserve to be treated better? Is it that I know people who were treated WORSE and so don't think anything of what happened to me?

While I was in the ha-ha house in November, in one group we were talking about anger, and I told the group about having to get in between my parents because they had knives at each other's throats. People literally gasped. It completely freaked them out. To me? Eh. I don't see the horror. It always surprises me when somebody else does.

Am I just weird, or is there some dusty psychological theory that explains this? :-) Or is it just an extreme case of dissociation?

So whatup with this, do you think?

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I think dissociation explains it. Also, a possible "psychological theory" may be alexithymia, which symptoms occur in many PTSD patients. People who display symptoms of alexithymia may appear to not have any emotions or feelings when talking about past trauma. Recalling "traumatic memories are highly emotional. To permit any feelings will also invite negative emotions into awareness," writes Dr. Glenn R. Schiraldi, THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SOURCEBOOK. There seems to be a lot of research available online correlating dissociation and alexithymia.

It makes complete sense. You've basically been habitualized to this lifestyle that has lost it's shock value. That's why children who grow up around domestic violence find themselves in abusive relationships. Why? Because there's no shock value in it. Hence the phrase: "Been there, done that!" It's also oddly comforting because it's familiar. It takes a lot of soul searching and therapy to break this cycle of abuse just for this very reason.

Here's a simplified example: A toddler who's learning how to walk for his very first time, will cry endlessly after his very first fall to the ground. After the 3rd or 4rth fall - it's no big deal. He's become habituated.

ah! placing yourself in the role of the abused child is beyond the ability to comprehend. no child can comprehend traumatic abuse....their minds are developing and of course they can't grasp this horrible concept.

I do not mean anything negative by this. I was struck by this in your post </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My T kept trying to tell me that I was innocent and had things taken away from me that I shouldn't have, and while rationally I believe him, emotionally I'm just, "yeah, whatever." I can get furious on anyone else's behalf but my own.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> because it is that gap that so many of us seek to bridge in order to heal.

I can put anyone else into the place of myself younger and in traumatic situations and bawl my eyes out but when I used to try to imagine myself younger in that situation I'm like a stone.

Used to. Lots of work and hard to describe what combination of things brought those two together but only in moments.........I can't cognitively remember this fact in that part of memory where I can get it all the time...........I just get glimpses now. Better than the total darkness and mystery before.

jennie recommended a fantastic book. my copy is so well thumbed and copied pages stuck into journals to remind me that I am not the disease or the disorder..........I'm wounded and working on healing.

You're not weird in this aspect.............but I'm sure yer weird in yer own proud freaky way.........just like I'm superfreaky weird in my own special way.

belated birthday wishes as I recall seeing that flash across the mental map of my mind. day late dollar short but the sentiment is true and keep working on the "yeah, whatever."

tc Candy.

I also agree you are not weird. I have the same situation. I have only recently remembered most of my childhood and the trauma of sexual abuse and a psychotic mother and absent father who told me I was responsible for my mother when I was 5 or 6. It is like I cannot remember and feel at the same time. I have very little feeling for that little girl and my T keeps telling me I need to love her and hold her but it is like she does not exist in my mind. It is very strange and, I think, largely dissociative for me. At least I have a wonderful T to help me with it all to help integrate that little girl into who I am today.

i did not remember my abuse til i was 40..........

My t wants me to go back and see the little girl who was hurt and feel compassion for her. I have a very hard time doing that. Whenever I picture myself, even as a little girl, and I know it's me, I am filled with hatred. I am supposed to "reparent" myself, but I'm not exactly sure how that works. I just know that your lack of emotion toward yourself, but no one else in that situation, is common. I am just learning how to feel the feelings that are connected with my past, but I find it hard not to shut down because it hurts too much. Just wanted you to know that I am struggling right along with you, and a lot of others here also. We need to just stick with it and trust that our t's know what they are doing.

it is what you grew up with so you are desensitized to it, thats all. I don't think you are weird, just traumatized as a child and now have a stronger threshold than most.