Lots of trigger warnings - I need to be frank.

A couple of years before my daughter was born I had a miscarriage. It wasn't far on but, after being told it couldn't happen, is was a horrible way to find out I was, or had been pregnant. It was also graphic and painful. That was the only thing that ever made me self harm as I struggled to process it.

Every time I think it's dealt with something brings it up and it's just as painful as ever. Recently it's appearing In the form of nightmares. I wake up crying every time and they are getting more painful. Now I have my little girl I can't deal with it the same way, but talking to T doesn't seem to be helping, if anything its got worse. I don't know if I should continue discussing the dreams with T, or just try to forget about them and hope they go away. It's getting to the point where I'm almost fearing sleep.

The dreams come back to me through the day as if they are flash backs of memories of actual events. The fact that the dreams often include my daughter or at least her mannerisms doesn't help.Found myself sleeping next to her cot on the morning of the last dream, I wanted to be close to her.

What do I do?

I just want to forget.

I am sorry that happened to you (to me also)..that is something you cannot forget. When we are traumatized we have to find a way to live with it, and it can be so painful. You should discuss the dreams and everything you have said here, with your t. Sometimes it gets worse (depending) before some healing can begin.

This is a horrible thing to have experienced. Traditional talk therapy may not be helpful with this as this goes too deep into the body's memory. EMDR may be more helpful. Try to find an EMDR practitioner in your area. Good luck.

I've never got past the being told it can't happen stage, but I wonder if the root problem is that as your daughter grows, you will inevitably wonder how the lost child would have grown and developed? Sometimes I think what a child of mine who never has and never will exist would be like, and that brings enormous pain.

Maybe the goal should not be to get rid of the pain, to get past it, but to manage the emotions involved?

I think you had to go through a lottery process and a waiting list to get your current therapist, so I don't know how many options you have, and I'm also not sure a male therapist can go as far with you on this as a woman could, but is it possible to even see someone else briefly who might have expertise in infertility and related issues?

I don't know if you want to go this route, but there is a medication for bad dreams. It's used often for military with PTSD.

Thanks for responses.

My T is trained to work with people suffering from trauma of various types. I can't afford to see anyone privately, and I can only get CBT on the NHS. That didn't help wich is why I'm with current T.

I see him through a charity that provide counselling and therapy for people who otherwise couldn't afford it. My T has admitted he couldn't literally / biologically share in the experience, but I know he can empathise well enogh that that isn't important....does that make sense?

I have spoken to my health visitor about it, but she thinks talking with my T is the best bet because he knows my history and has insight in to my though process. She said seeing someone temporarily would only give me 'general advice' which (off the record she said) I'd be as well looking up online at. If the sleep deprivation / disturbed sleep continues I would consider meds.

I must be the only mum who has a baby that sleeps through, but is still sleep deprived I think being constantly told that now I have a healthy baby I shouldn't still be thinking of the other isn't helping. It's also coming up to what should have been his/her birthday...

I think it's completely natural that you might be revisiting your loss right now, and people who tell you that you should move on since you have a healthy baby now really misunderstand the nature of loss and trauma. It may be that you have to revisit this multiple times throughout your life; it was a tremendous loss.

I heard Dr. Jessica Zucker on a podcast talking about the impact of a miscarriage on her life. I haven't read her writing but you may find it helpful (there are links to her articles on the squares in the main page).

I'll have a look. I have to do something. Its getting near bedtime and I'm getting a migraine. Feeling tense, sweating, nausea. I need to sleep. Up early with baby. It's so stupid.

Jessica, I've had EMDR & have been referred to have some more & am waiting. I was referred from Depression & Anxiety Service. Mine is on the NHS. See your GP & get a DAS referral. DAS told me that my trauma was not suitable to be treated with CBT. They felt EMDR would be better. It was brilliant. Good luck.

That's good to know, thanks. I think I'll stick it out with current T for now. Getting an appointment with GP takes about 3 weeks anyway. Also last time I mentioned it I got told that "new mums are often stressed", talk about not listening

I've been awake for hours and have a terrible migraine, urgh.

**Update**

Although I have started discussing this with T, because it's painful and complicated we haven't got very far with it. More importantly I've not found another coping strategy, and this Sunday should have been the birthday. The nights are worse than ever. I have decided to ask T to look after my 's-h' kit for the week (Thursday to Thursday). If it's not readily available I hope that will buy my logical brain a bit more time to reason with the emotional part and either lift my mood, or deal with it in a different way.

Is this something he can do?
I don't think bend be allowed to confiscate it against my will. Is asking a T to help you in this way as much of a no no as them intervening by 'doing'?
Or does the fact that I'm asking (while rational) for the help make a difference?

Hi, Jessica, I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a miscarriage with our first baby, 21 years ago, and I am still very affected by it. For me, it was especially (and unexpectedly) physically difficult, and I think that's why we get so stuck with the PTSD symptoms - the body remembers, and it keeps on reminding us.

What helped me, when I finally did talk to my first T about it 15 years ago, was to finally take it seriously and not care any more whether it was a big enough or real enough loss to grieve. I had the priest who married us and christened both our children hold a small service at the 'family church' (not that we ever go there outside of weddings and funerals!), and somehow, it gave me something that helped me move on some. That, and a lot of stilted and hard talking about graphic stuff that I am really not totally done with, yet.

I think your idea of handing your kit over to your T is a great one: but I'd be sure to have a back up plan in case he says no - I guess it depends on the relationship and the T. I know that mine would be abs. fine, and I would feel so protected by him. But I would also be devastated if he said no, for whatever reason - and it sounds like you don't need any more devastation right now.

Take good care of you - it's an awful, painful time. And maybe think about what you would do to honour yourself and your precious lost baby, if you were to free yourself from all the self-judgement.

I think it's fantastic that

I was talking to a friend about it and said that this is the sort of thing where not being religious is a disadvantage. I think it's also now tied into the trauma of the successful pregnancy (which nearly killed us both), so I need to untangle it and work on the individual threads. My T and I are close and worked together a long time, I hope he says yes. I did think about giving it to a friend or my partner, but I don't want to be angry with them for not returning it if I asked while low....does that make sense? T is actually looking forward to me being angry with him, weirdo.

Yeah, I really don't count myself as especially religious, however there is something about ritual that helps contain and make order of things.
Can you choose from something secular that resonates? Plant a rosebush, purchase a beautiful piece of jewellery or an ornament or piece of art that could make visible the significance of that little being?
These things always do seem so tied up with other events and hurts. It can be like pulling the thread on a sweater.
I did wonder when I read your original post whether T would give you the kit back at the end, and what it would mean if he did or didn't?

If your T says no about your SH kit, is there another way you can temporarily lose your kit? Maybe rent a locker at the train station and store it there?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I've heard of other people giving their T that sort of kit or items, so it's worth it to ask. I suspect he'd want to keep you safe. The question is whether he'd give it back.

I wonder if talking more about your most recent pregnancy and that trauma would help you heal from the miscarriage? It does sound like two separate issues you're dealing with, though I'm sure your baby makes you think of both. I've heard that women can have PTSD from difficult pregnancies and births, so maybe if you approach it in that way, as a trauma? Your T has always sounded very supportive, so I hope he can help you work through this.

Just to make things worse, I just realised tomorrow morning I have my first 'feminine examination' since baby. I have flash backs to having my waters manually broken just sitting on the sofa ffs! Anxiety symptoms starting up. Wish me luck guys x

((Jessica))

I wonder if it might be a better strategy to come to terms with it, so you can remember without it hurting too much. Of course the pain will always be there, but perhaps it won't be something you have to be afraid of?

Hugs...hope it goes OK tomorrow. Maybe it would help to tell your doctor that you're really struggling with anxiety about the appointment?

So this mornings appointment with the nurse was a waste of time. The first time I let out a pained noise she retreated saying she wasn’t comfortable continuing. I explained to her it was going to be painful, don’t know what she was expecting. I wish she’d just got on with it, not I have to wait for another appointment, probably at the hospital (I don’t drive so it costs be nearly £40 in taxi fares).

I didn’t get as far as talking to T about what this weekend is, or what the ‘kit’ is, but I did let him know I wanted a favour. I wrote this (see pic). The first pixelated bit refers to my inner world, the second specifically about the gentle/vulnerable part.

We left it to the end but he said ‘of course I will’ and asked If there were any ‘special instructions?’ I said he shouldn’t try to take it through any airport security, he smiled. I love T. I hope this helps It’s ridiculous that my one year old sleeps better than I do!