Attachment pains

Well I really did not think I was so attached to WHT, (wild haired t) those of you that don't know I started seeing her this year after a really awful abusive time with ex t.
In this year so far WHT, didn't show up for three sessions and missed two phone sessions. I haven't seen her in three weeks since the last time she didn't show up. I decided not to go back to her because it hurts too much to be humiliated like that and to feel like I don't matter over and over.
Well yesterday WHT rang, I didn't answer so she rang and left two more messages. She rang again today leaving three messages so I had to eventually answer. It was really awkward with a lot of silence, I told her I wasn't coming back and she was really upset and when I heard her get upset I burst out crying. My whole body ached and I don't know why. I didn't think I was that attached to her and it really scared me. She asked what was going on for me and could we talk about it and I said no that I couldn't right now and we left it at that. I don't know why but I feel so devastated by this loss. It's even worse that the loss of ex t and it really hurts. I just wanted to tell someone because I am feeling very vulnerable right now.

She left three messages? That, in and of itself, would be confusing for me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! How long had you been seeing WHT? In January of this year?

Thereabouts or maybe December, so it's not that long really, she left three messages yesterday and three today. Asking if we could talk and could we connect. I think she knew that I wasn't going to come back and was trying to repair the rupture but I am not really a phone kind of person and would rather talk face to face. This t does have an attachment to me as she is always the one to initiate contact and to make regular calls to me.

Really? Do you find that dynamic confusing, w/she having an attachment to you as well?

That does seem to be quite confusing behaviour. Not really what a T would do normally. I feel something is up with this T. Do you feel it's in some ways a bit like your Ex T , like it's still abuse couched as care ? It's not overt with this T , but Ex T thought she cared in some way , albeit it twisted. I feel a bit blunt saying it like that - I know you're very attached to these T's Mona , but truly people need a stable T.

It is quite strange behaviour and I don't understand it. It doesn't feel like abuse or anything like ex t because I would give her what for and go back to normal but this t is almost begging for my forgiveness. It's different being a t and going to see another t. They expect you to be more understanding and forgiving. I really felt for WHT, there was a real sense of urgency in her voice and I could hear her attachment to me. I just really needed her to be normal. It doesn't feel abusive OutThere but it does feel a bit like emotional blackmail or trying to foster an attachment to her.



It is very confusing but this tends to happen with every t of mine. Must be something about me

It may be attachment, or perhaps intense guilt on her end, being fully aware of something that caused those absences and her inability to fix it. It might also be that she is afraid that you would spread rumors about her in professional circuits or something like that.

She should know me enough by now to know I don't spread rumours or talk about professionals. I hire them to talk about the other things that happened with other ts alright. I think she has attachment issues, she has always rang a lot and I never answered but she still rings. There is a deep connection between us that I really can't explain but we get each other

I'm really sorry, this sounds really hard for you. But I do want to say well done for putting your needs first and taking care of yourself. I think you are right that you would keep on being upset/humiliated as this T has proved to be unreliable.

It wasn't professional of her to leave you hanging like that and then call you so many times. Very push/pull behavior from her, as well.

I know how painful the attachment is and how we struggle to do what is right for us, but it sounds like you're being very self-aware, which is awesome!

Thanks, it wasn't fair of her and I think it was more about reassurance for help and help regulating her own emotions around our rupture. It is very push and pull and that hurts. Her boundaries are not the best to be honest. She makes them and breaks them consistently, what I need is stability.
Sorry you have felt attachment pain before, it's horrible


It hurts to be rejected and forgotten about a lot. I don't think that is her intention but it is how I feel. Thank you satsuma

((((Mona)))))
I am so sorry to hear that this is going on with you. In NO way is this your , fault, as I suspect you know but may not be able to feel. I suspect this new loss is more painful because it seemed like she was the kind of T (kind, validating, compassionate) that you wanted. Thank you for being so kind and compassionate here on PC, you are very generous and kind and I hope that you find the perfect T if you plan on finding a new one. Take care and keep us posted if you want.

i agree...this seems more about her and her needs. when i told my ex-T that i was ready to start considering entering the 'termination' phase and i wanted to understand what it usually entailed, he first insisted that he did not believe i was ready to terminate and then briefly explained how some clients handle the termination phase...some tapering off and other ending quickly. his eyes filled with tears after talking about some clients who just end abruptly. at first i felt sympathy, but later, after the session, i felt angry. i felt like he was manipulating me with his tears to get me to stay and not end. plus the fact that he had no words of encouragement to say 'yeah koru_kiwi, i agree! you have done so much great work and have grown so much over the years, etc, etc, yeah, lets discuss termination if that is where you think you are ready to go" but that is not what i got from him...and it left me feeling quite disappointed and questioning how much of my therapy was actually for him and his needs instead of mine.

good on you for taking a stand for what you know you need..stability. that is exactly what i was needing from my ex-T and he just could not deliver it consistently enough to make the therapy feel safe enough with him.

You are right, that was emotional manipulation from your t. I wonder are they aware of their needs and how they have an impact on us. I really felt so bad about my t but it's not even my fault. I agree with you that your t should have seen the good work you had done in therapy and been happy with that and encouraged your autonomy and decisions. That was disempowering,


Thanks much for your kind wordsAnastasia. She is a really lovely t, she did go above and beyond in every single other way I think that's why it's so hard because attachment formed so quickly and it was so easy to become attached to her

I don't post so often, but I read in here a lot and felt the need to just respond because o have been following your story with WHT as of late.
I don't have much advice or infact many wise words, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that it has come to this because apart from the obvious, you seemed to have built quite a strong rapport and a good connection so I can just imagine what's going throighb your head right now.
I really hope whatever you decide, it works out well for you!

I am sorry you are having a hard time with another T. I remember how hard it was for you with last T. I am curious if your quick attachment has made it difficult to see potential red flags when you were starting the relationship.

Thanks for your support Swimmersusan, I did have a really good rapport with this t, I really get now how when we attach to someone hard to bigger disappointment when they mess up. I really believe though that she didn't intentionally do this and maybe she is just incredibly scatty. It is yet another t that has gone by the wayside for me. I did send her an email saying not to blame herself for this rupture. I said that I was so sad it had turned out like this and that I cried for two days. I hope to see you around here more often Swimmer

I think you are right. The same thing happens in relationships I get so enmeshed and miss all the red flags, connection is very hard for me, it's either all or nothing.