Couch 153: Couch slouch

I thought BBQ sauce was THAT thing.

But, now it sounds like it's THIS OTHER thing

Art: I'm hopefully correctly decoding Una-ese (always a tricky business) -- either Natalie Portman's thigh or the other actress' thigh in the film, Black Swan (which umm........I didn't actually watch or watch in full [can't remember]).

I love you. You're great. I'm being serious when I say those things, but I'm so confused.

The thigh covered with bbq sauce.

I had a harrowing encounter with a carfull of ferocious Polynesian warriors. Actually, only one spoke to me but I wasn't in the mood and walked on. He shouted after me, "Don't you speak English?"

I suppose he was only trying to be friendly but in my culture we don't shout at strangers from car windows. Scary.

But, washable (warm, no bleach), I hope.

I think licking might be the best option under such circumstances.

I actually had a good day off (maybe b/c I slept in 'till noon so it was a really short day off)... but now the darkness is gathering and I'm scared

Oh! That thigh.

I've been told I have to be out of my house for the entire month of October while they do cleaning and repainting and repairing my floor. I am not at all happy about this. First, I'm not in a good place mentally right now. I only leave my house to go to work, go to therapy, or buy groceries. When I'm at home I spend all of my time in our guest room. I even sleep on the couch in there. I had moved in here months ago as my husband's behavior was escalating. It's about the only place that gives me any comfort right now. The thought of losing my safe space for an entire month is completely overwhelming. I'm not entirely sure I can leave and not have a complete breakdown vs the partial one I'm already having. Second, how am I supposed to figure out what I need and pack for a whole month? I only have a small suitcase and a couple of duffel bags. I have no idea where I'm supposed to go. I haven't called the insurance company yet to see what they'll pay for. They're coming the 2nd to start packing my belongings so I have to figure this out by then.

Basically, October is going to suck for me. In addition to the above, I need to go file for a restraining order, my therapist is taking a week off, and my husband has a court date to either make a plea deal or go to trial. I have no clue where that is headed because no one tells me anything. I'm not allowed to speak to him and I've had no communication from the DA or his defense lawyer.

I also have a friend who wants to come to my city to visit for a weekend in October with his boyfriend and their female friend. I am totally not up for playing drinking buddy/tour guide with these people. I know that if they come they'll want to get the whole story on what happened with my husband and I don't really want to tell the story right now. It's still too raw. It feels like they just want to come watch the train wreck that is my life. He's been asking to come for a visit since shortly after the fire and I keep telling him I'm not up for company. Maybe I should just say "I'm suicidal and I have a plan. I spend hours crying on a regular basis. I cannot deal with company right now." But I have no desire to get that real with anyone other than my therapist right now. And apparently strangers on the internet. I know he thinks he's trying to be supportive, but it's just stressing me out more than I already am.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through October. Sorry about the long post. I needed to vent.

This is my script with my T. I say I love you and she says I know... (and no, I am not a star wars fan and yes, I created the script) for me it serves a couple purposes. First, it helps me believe/know that she carries my feelings towards her outside of the room, she knows I love her even when we are not together.

Second, the consistency in the response provides comfort in knowing that I will always get the same response, it won't be something that might bother me. The 'I know' doesn't bother me as much as some other responses - Thank you isn't bad. I like 'I know' better. Once she said something else and that bothered me, I don't remember at this time what it was, though.

Finally, we have talked at different times about the internalization of T and interactions with my parts. There is a feeling that sometimes this I love you is actually inwardly directed; the child part to the adult part and the child part doesn't feel believed or hasn't felt believed or heard in the past; so the script is to let the child part know that it is being heard first by T. Once that has occurred, the adult part can mirror T's behavior and be able to provide the sense of being heard to the child part. Some of that conditioning that you are reading about.

I will also say I miss you, and she says I know to that too.... in fact the full script is...

me: I love you
t: I know
me: I miss you (or I will miss you)
t: I know
me: I want you
t: I'm here

sometimes t will add something like, thank you for being you, all of you are welcome here, ect.

Thanks, Elio.

Yes Daisy, I've been there a few times after particular sessions. What does it feel like if you were to describe it? Sometimes for me it feels like I am inside one of those body bubbles:



and everything is muffled, I can still hear stuff/read stuff but it doesn't completely compute.

Ahh yes, I also know the numbness well. I like the body bubble analogy/metaphor (can someone PLEASE explain the difference), Elio.

F*** THIS

I am trying to stay positive and productive. I really am.

In my understanding-- the analogy is the entire comparison, and an analogy can be made by employing a metaphor, which is a specific figure of speech-- like, a ladder being a symbol for upward mobility would be the metaphor, with the entire phrase/story in which this takes place being the analogy.

Maybe?

And at least in my classes we learned that metaphors are always presented as a direct swap (no "like") -- for example "all the world's a stage" is a metaphor, but if the quote were "the world is like a stage," that would be a simile.

I'm having headache in my temple and eyebrow for the last ~12 hours. Should I start worrying? I have never had a migraine

Do you think it is a side effect of stopping meds? Concerned for you--

An analogy is when you're comparing two things. A metaphor is a type of figurative language where you're applying an abstract idea or concept to an object. A simile is the same thing as a metaphor except it uses the words "like" or "as" when applying the abstraction to an object.

So the body bubble would be an analogy. The type of dissociation I feel is like being inside of a body bubble. They are two similar types of experiences. I'm having trouble coming up with a good metaphor, probably because I feel like I'm inside a body bubble.

I don't think so...I stopped them two weeks ago.
But I'm recovering from a cold...Maybe that's it

Capt that sounds more like a tension headache more so than a migraine. Which makes perfect sense given what you're going through. I hope you feel better, in both mind and body.

Ohhh...that somewhat makes it clearer.

I told my T that when she brought up exploring the topic of dating with me, it felt like I am 10 feet underground, broken and bleeding, and she is like 'Hey! Get up, let's go find a rainbow!..is that a metaphor?

But 12+ hours...and meds are not working. And I had flashes in my eyes.

I was being serious too. I was in a good place because of bbq sauce two days in a row. Actual bbq sauce. A fellow ww had a post meme to the effect of, eat like you are someone who is loved. That kinda blew my mind. I have so much guilt over eating. Like how woody allen said, as long as there is one unhappy person in the world, i am miserable. They call depression the black dog? I told t last week, the white dog is not much better.

And yes, the star's thigh. I forgot her name!

Eta - the heat and humidity is making me delirious! I have ac and fans, but still its all around us, it permeates.

You apparently did not see the thigh scene. Its not nasty or revealing or anything - its just this perfect angle of her left outer thigh.

I think T gave up on me