Couch 153: Couch slouch

Hugs... Will you see him this Friday? When is his birthday?
I wish you could see him more often. You deserve his care and attention you know

Yes, I'm seeing him on Friday. His birthday is October 12th
And no, I don't deserve his care and attention...

Hugs captgut, demunie and BCM if y'all like hugs.

Captgut, abuse causes us to feel undeserving of care, of positive attention. It instills a deep sense of worthlessness in us. Many of us can be compassionate towards others but full of self hatred towards ourselves.

I know you won't believe me (it's not a core belief for nothing) yet yes you do deserve T's care and attention.

Why waste time on me. I'm desperate.
And I think he hates me.

I feel very strange today. Yes even more strange than before

Why would he hate you -- I doubt you've done anything to him which is worthy of hate.

You're not a waste of time. You really aren't. You're desperately hurting and that means you really, really, really NEED his care, his attention, his support.

Are you feeling that yourself/your surroundings are unreal?

Yes
I'm feeling like this like all the time lately. But these feelings're becoming worse and worse
And I think I had a panic attack.

Panic attacks are really awful.

Capt, feeling you're unreal (depersonalization) and feeling your surroundings are unreal (derealization) = you're dissociating.

If you've body memories / being in your body is triggering, it makes sense you don't want to be in your body.

Capt, you feeling unreal is partly because you're traumatised. Capt, you're not sick but you're wounded, if I make sense?

Has T done anything to create a safe space for you where you can feel comfort? It can be imaginary. I've one where T and I are sitting on steps in the warm sun. Having it helps when I'm distressed.

I'm trying to imagine something like this but I can't believe he's real... So it's not working.

And I think he hates me because I'm so boring, annoying etc

You'll see him again. I know you're counting the days and hours. Keep counting. He's real. It's hard to remember stuff when you're dissociated. That's what T told me once - something about how me being in my head = I wasn't connecting to her so I would leave at the end of the session and very quickly feel "Was the session real?" I know it was real but couldn't remember things talked about, how I felt. T says emotions make things feel real.

Have you asked T if he finds you annoying or boring? I don't believe you're those things, but then your fear of T disliking you is definitely a fear I've had with my T too.

T likes to say clients can tell when therapists aren't being genuine and hiding their emotions.

I could tell when my previous therapists found me annoying - one of them told me eventually when I asked, and the other kept kicking me out much earlier than my alloted time.

Sometimes I've asked T if she dislikes me, hates me. She told me she couldn't work with someone she dislikes or hates. Once I said I could, so surely she was lying. She pointed out her job as a therapist is really, really, really, different from my job.

Has T said assurances like that?

He says this all the time That I know him really well... And always notice when he's upset or tired or something... So I would notice if he hated me.
He says he doesn't hate me.

Everything feels SO unreal. I feel like I don't know him...
How i'm supposed to survive 4 more days?!

I bet you're pretty observant - it's a survival skill

Once when I told T "I bet you hate me", she actually asked "Did you assume how I feel about you?" haha. Believe his words, you can definitely read his body language. T likes to be all "How does the room feel?" and "Does the atmosphere feel like I dislike you?"

I find I leave feeling more connected if I'm more present / grounded (rather than not really there because I'm in my head) during sessions. That takes time, consistent effort from T and probably a whole bunch of stuff to achieve though, and can be really hard when you've chronic dissociation.

(again, because dissociation was to survive awful things and so now it's habitual and easily triggered...and being dissociative doesn't mean you're bad or not doing therapy right...it's a trauma response **hugs**)

Are you still considering asking him for a transitional object to remind you he is real, and he cares, and yes you'll see him again?

4 more days? One hour at a time. I can hop in your pocket or count with you?

I have a candy from him

I don't really think my problems relate to my trauma. It never was a problem.
T says it probably something genetic...

Now I feel like telling your T, "give captgut a candy every session please!"

Capt, trauma has long lasting effects whether you've a genetic predisposition to psychosis or not.

And yes while psychotic disorders do have a partial genetic component similar to anxiety and depression (the other part is environment and life experiences), there's quite a lot of research on how ongoing trauma can make someone genetically disposed to psychosis have higher likelihood to develop it.

Many people who hear voices and who've been abused hear their abusers or hear threatening voices

(sorry I don't know a lot more about trauma and psychosis and I wish I had all my sources to link you. Here's one:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5054510/ )

And true, I don't know the details of what you experienced, yet I also don't need to in a way. What's enough is that you were abused by a family member and then blamed by your family. Doesn't matter if it "just" happened once, that's one time too many, and repeated incidents just makes it worse.

And okay, I really aren't out to cause you to feel worse about yourself.

Being traumatised doesn't mean you're anything negative (again, the abuse makes us feel bad, dirty, broken, wrong...and being blamed and not supported makes that sink in deeper)... it means you're hurt... and it shouldn't have happened and you should have been supported, protected, cared for. Your family member deserves all the blame, and your other family members who blamed you.

If you blame yourself (like I blame myself sometimes), I hope you can remember that you wouldn't blame me for what happened to me, I'm sure. And likewise I truly, with all my heart, can tell you: none of the blame is yours.

I did... But my book also said someone tracked him down as an adult and he had no knowledge of his role in psychology and was no worse for it, I so hope that's true!

I've been back at home since friday night and am staying here until sunday. I have twice a week therapy and have done so for almost 10 months. My mother indirectly is paying for my therapy and wants me to cut down to one session a week inorder to save money, as my younger sister will start at a private college next september.I'm not sure how I feel to be honest but I don't think I could tell R the real reason.

Any chance you can ask about a sliding scale?

That's what my younger brother is going to do the next time he sees his therapist, as my financial situation has changed.

I wish all of us could win a lottery for the amount of money each of us would need to complete our therapy.... it sucks so bad that money has to so often be a factor in getting the help we need/want/deserve... ok i'll stop fantasizing now.

If these people are right on Little Albert's identity, which is uncertain, he disliked animals all his life, perhaps as a result of the experiment.

I would call the Little Albert experiment a form of torture. The marshmallow kids were just revealing whether they could accept delayed gratification. Little Albert's view of the world was actually altered at least temporarily by the experiment.

That would be nice. I used to feel that way. My therapy is actually free now because . I wish there was free therapy for everyone.

Spying on Bobah

Cute JDNA!

I knew it was too good to be true...

I don't know why I watch emergency vet shows. They just make me cry.

I saw one once, and that was enough for me! I watch some stuff that makes me cry, too, though...I think it can help to have that release at times?