Couch 153: Couch slouch

I cuddle a cushion, or I fiddle with my watch or my rings...

I fiddle with rings, bracelet, necklace, my hair, my hands... You could do like MC does and hold a pen that you never use--he doesn't take notes--he's said he holds the pen at times to keep from using his hands too much when he talks, though I wonder if it could partly be an anxiety thing, too, since he's said he has that.

I don't think it matters that dogs can't speak English. I can tell by my dog's behavior and posture that he feels less anxious when I talk to him in happy, calm, reassuring tones when he is frightened (usually because he is being loudly barked at by another dog or we're in a crowded place). He likes to know that I'm there and I'm not upset, so he doesn't need to be either.

My wife tried spritzing our dog for misbehavior (chewing on something) exactly once. He stopped chewing but was so freaked out that he would barely look at her for a month. No negative reinforcement here now, not even yelling. We reinforce the positive behaviors and ignore or redirect the negative ones. Way less stressful for all involved.

I usually mess with my ring or my fingers. Sometimes if I'm sitting cross-legged with my foot on my knee, I will pick at the hem of my pants. Or sometimes I sit with my hands under my thighs.

Thanks for all the dog advice--her crying was also upsetting D, who was crying and yelling in the middle of the night about it, so she ended up sleeping with H in the bedroom (all our rooms are on different floors--split-level townhouse). And then I slept a couple hours on the couch in the office just to get a bit of sleep. D still refuses to be in same room as dog (so the tiny bit of progress from last night seems to have gone away). So right now, it's like I need to be with D, which means the dog is blocked off, sad and whimpering, with the dog, which has D calling for me, or just by myself for a few.

In the middle of the night, amidst the crying, etc., I also started crying and told H I'm afraid we've made a horrible mistake in adopting her. Like, she seems like a pretty great dog, just maybe I'm not cut out to be a dog owner. He said let's give it the weekend (but tomorrow will be a nightmare because H has a work thing from like 6 a.m. to 4 p.m., so it will be me running interference between D and dog).

The rescue has a thing where they can take the dog back in the first 7 days (or anytime--we're obligated to give her back to them rather than rehome her ourselves). And it's apparently pretty common, since some dogs are listed as "she came back to us through no fault of her own" (or something like that). And I feel like if we're considering that, better to do it sooner than later--to me that's better than waiting till she's gotten used to the house/us to do it. But then at the same time, maybe we just need time to get used to each other (mostly D and dog). To clarify, this isn't just about me being selfish--it's partly about D feeling comfortable in our home and about the dog's happiness. She deserves to be someplace with people who really want and adore her. Maybe that could become us...(it sounds like this "adopter's remorse" thing is pretty common and often passes, but how can you tell?).

((LT)) ((LT's D)) ((dog))

LT, it sounds like you're quite anxious about this situation and from your H's behaviour he seems very anxious as well (he also seems clueless about how to manage an anxious animal I'm sorry to say).
Anxiety feeds on anxiety so the more you and H (whose anxiety seems to be coming out as frustration towards you and the dog) display anxious behaviour, the more anxious D and pup will become.
I don't think you do need to shut your daughter away from the dog do you? If you are modelling that you will be away from the dog and with her all the time, you're not showing her that it is safe to interact with the dog.
I do hope you find a happy way to resolve this, in the best interests of pup. A good place to start is to try and relax and be 'okay' with whatever the outcome may be. Whether this resolves itself organically as you all begin to get used to each other, or whether pup needs to find a home more suited to her needs, either way you haven't failed. So long as you treat her well and make decisions in her interests you are doing just fine.

I woke up with a metaphor for therapy clients in my head this morning: we're like Cleopatra holding the asp to her bosom and waiting for it to strike. I can't wait to see how Info screws up like the rest of them.

I am in a negative mood this morning.

I have papers to grade so naturally I am decalcifying my espresso machine. Next I am going to clean my dogs' leather leashes.
I get all sorts of things accomplished to avoid grading.

I remember the first time I cleaned anything in a non-procrastinatory circumstance-- it was only about three years ago

At rehearsal last night our manager was giving us instructions for using a ticket discount code. For some reason despite our repeated requests she was adamantly refusing to email us the information, and so she was spelling out some gobbledygook code for us to copy down, but anyway, it involved a dash. My standpartner and I smelled blood and jumped on her, asking if it was a forward slash, backslash, underscore, n-dash, m-dash....? It made me think of you guys.

I only clean to avoid grading or drafting documents. I do other procrastinations for other things.

I think it can be important to recognize when adding a pet to the family may not be in everyone's best interest (the humans and the animal). It does not mean failure - just a recognition that adding a family member may not be advisable at the moment. I think recognizing such is a good thing.

I think I have food poisoning

Ugh, I'm sorry. Hope you feel better soon...

Thanks for the kind words about the dog. And sorry to disappoint, Demunie, but we've decided to give her back and have already contacted the woman from the rescue group, who understood. The biggest thing is D's intense fear of the dog...The sort of deal-sealer was when she went into D's room this morning (when I thought H watching her) and pooped on her pillow. Which I know is a sign of trying to dominate. But...we can't have the dog dominating our 6-year-old daughter with ASD. I know I could work on asserting dominance over her (H already has), but I don't think I have the emotional energy to do that right now... So I think this decision is in everyone's best interest (including the dog).

For what my opinion is worth - I think it is a good decision in the best interests of the dog. And there are many reasons why dogs relieve themselves on furniture, in the house, on beds etc. Dog behavior is not always dominance related and treating as such can lead to more stress and confusion for the poor animal. I have had good many dogs, mostly rescues and have never had to assert dominance over any of them. Being the leader is not the same as dominating - in my opinion.

I read that stress can cause eliminating on furniture, too. It may have been that because she seemed to be shaking some this morning when I went down to pet her (she was just hanging out in dining room, not crated), particularly after D came downstairs (and was one floor away from dog). She seems like a really sweet dog (like she curled up with her head on my lap to take a nap yesterday), so hopefully she'll find an owner/owners who can really appreciate her!

Sounds like a tough couple of days and a tough decision, LT.

Can anyone share experience about contacting T who doesn't usually allow contact between session? Here or PM me. I'm in crisis. I don't know what to do.

I would say call him anyway... my T and I are no contact as well but in times of crisis he has been more flexible, since he knows I have no support system in real life.
In the mean time, I would promise myself that if he doesn't answer or doesn't return the call/text/email in x amount of time, I would call a crisis line or go to hospital, whichever seems safer.

And perhaps schedule a call with a friend or anyone really, not to say anything intimate or important if you don't want, but just to check in and distract yourself. Run some errands, eat something, take a shower, wash dishes, tire yourself out.

And we are here too

I don't have his number, I can call his office in business hours or text him VK.

I don't have friends. Well... I have "friends" who can say "stop whining", "you're overreacting", "it's all in your head" and so on. I feel very alone.
Tbh I'm not sure if I feel "bad enough" to contact him, but I've never felt so lost and suicidal before

I get the "not bad enough" thing a lot too. It is bad enough. Please call and text!

My friends do the same.... I have learned to never bother to tell them what's really going on but it has been useful before to call them and start up a casual, unrelated conversation, just to get my mind off things. I dissociate easily so sometimes a distraction is all I need.

I know I'll never call... I'll try to read the couch and survive.
161 hours to go

I am going to make a list of videos for you to watch but I can't copy and paste with my phone for some reason... so keep reading while I get my laptop