How do you ask your T if s/he loves you?

Well done Scarlet. That was very brave of you & I feel that you have really thought this through. Might I suggest you tape the conversation you have with your t. Not because of anything negative, but I know with myself, if I’m anxious to discuss something so important to me, I tend to only hear certain things & miss other things, which may be very valuable to you. One thing I do know is, that your t has an element of ‘therapeutic love’ for you, which is not like anything else we have with others. xXx

This is an incredibly patronizing comment. Like, wow. Asking for love from a therapist is basically asking them to lie. I don't think any client wants to hear the truth which is: no I don't love you, you are a client. I don't blame the poster for feeling uncomfortable because they're being put on the spot.

My t says he "falls in love with all of his clients." He has said "I love you" to me.

This is your interpretation. If you found it patronizing then you have missed the real meaning of what I was trying to say but that's not something that is under my control.

I see things differently and I have also different experiences. For me being a client and being loved are not mutually exclusive things. Love doesn't ask whether someone is a client or not. Also, a therapist (or anyone in a similar role) who is uncomfortable with loving feelings should perhaps think twice whether they have chosen a proper profession for themselves.

I guess lots of confusion comes from defining love. Maybe for some people love itself is defined via the people it is appropriate to love at all. So, if someone's definition says that love is what you feel to your parents, children and spouse then it's logical that this person by definition it would not be appropriate to love anyone else.

Also, when according to someone's definition love always means intense longing feelings then obviously to that person a therapist loving her patients doesn't sound appropriate.

I'm personally adopting a wider definition, which basically means willing the good for another - willing in terms of feeling and doing. I love my children that way, I also try to love my spouse that way, I may be at some point able to love my parents that way. I don't see any reason why I couldn't love anyone else in this manner too or why my therapist couldn't love me this way or why anyone else's therapist couldn't love their clients that way.

I want to hear the truth. I don't want her to lie. And she won't lie. If she's willing to express how she feels about me, if she thinks it will benefit me in some way, and she doesn't love me, she will say so. It doesn't mean she will be mean about it: "Eww. I would never love you!". It could be like others have said where their T doesn't love them, but cares about them deeply.

My T wrote me back! Her reply (to this part of my email) was: "We'll save the other topic for after the wedding!" So she will at least have a conversation with me about it. And she did use a exclamation point! I'm glad I wrote it to her. I always feel a sense of relief when I tell her things that I'm scared of.

Well, we won't be having this conversation till probably early November. I'll update you all on how it goes!

You know, I have doubted my T so much because of people in my past, ex-T, and even our rough beginning. But she has proven herself over and over again. Maybe I should just trust in her that everything will be alright (like she always tells me).

I'm glad your T wrote back, and you feel okay about her reply. Just curious. Whose wedding is it? A family member?

I haven’t.. no t ever loved me. Apparently I was, am “unloveable”
Or maybe I’m just too stupid to do therapy properly
Sorry about the negative post

It's my wedding! On the 20th. 12 years we will have been together.

Oh, I thought maybe it was yours but wasn't sure! How nice!

Thanks for posting this... it’s not surprising to me how some therapists are able to love and others are not

I'm not quite sure how to respond to your comment. It comes off quite presumptuous. I am not sure why you seem to think that therapists are not human beings who have human reactions to experiences with clients. I can manage being asked a loaded question just fine and I would address it with the client in as sensitive a manner as I could. My response to the original poster was meant to present two perspectives for them to consider and nothing more. I care very much for the kids I work with but love is level of caring I reserve for family and friends. I have many colleagues who feel the same way and there are probably therapists out there who don't and that is fine.

Scarlet,

Wow! First, congratulations on the wedding! How exciting! I'm really happy for you and your soon to be hubbie!

Re: Your question to your T, good job! I think that you're right on about the fact that it's important to you, and thus, it's important to discuss. It seems like this T has really been helpful and supportive to you, so no matter what the answer, I'm trusting that she's going to handle it sensitively and with grace.

Good luck, and enjoy the wedding!

Thank you! And I really do think everything will be okay. She used an exclamation point, so that's a good sign. She uses them with purpose, not haphazardly. And they've always been for good things. Plus, there shouldn't be any thing I can't talk about.And she's an adult and T...she should be able to hold her own boundaries no problem. She always has. I just feel we'll be good.

I guess that explains your discomfort - your definition on love is set up in such a way. As I wrote in a previous comment in response to Myrto, this is only one possible definition of love.

Still, I maintain that if a service provider (who deals with emotional topics) is uncomfortable with certain topics then the problem of discomfort is one of the provider and not of the person who raises the topic.

Which is all well and good but any client who raises this topic needs to be prepared that the answer might not be yes. Some patients have a lot of trauma, attachment issues, abandonment issues etc. It’s a really delicate subject that can potentially hurt a client if they don’t get the answer they want. My discomfort would solely be around those things and not the concept of love itself. Again I have merely presented two perspectives for the OP to consider.

It is exactly this reason that I have not directly asked my T if she loves me. I tell her I believe she loves me and I tell her I have felt love by her. I do ask her in my journal that I give her. I do so because all of these statements give her information about where I am with things and how her interventions are affecting me.

Do I think she loves me - most days. Do I think she would tell me? Maybe someday, maybe not - I'd probably get the more generic, answer. I have already gotten this type of information over the course of the last 2 yrs. She has also stated that she went into this type of practice because of wanting to have this type of role in people's lives; which leads me to feel that she tends to have a level or type of love for all of her clients.

Also, as pointed out by others on the thread, love can be defined in so many different ways. She may feel that what she is doing is not love but deep caring, where as I define those same feelings/actions as love.

Scarlet - good job on the email, congrats on the wedding, I am glad that she responded in a way that was a positive experience for you. This is a delicate topic and you showed courage in asking for something you wanted.

Well, I got worried that my T might be mad (after all the warnings that she may not have liked being asked that question). So I emailed again and asked. Her response is:So everything is good between my T and I.

She's a strong woman. I once in the beginning told her that I didn't like her. She told me that it hurt her, but didn't stop her from working with me. And I'm sure me telling her my secret made her uncomfortable, and I told her it in person. I think she can handle this topic. She knew that ex-T and I talked a lot about love. She knows what ex-T said to me, and she knows that I love her (she handled that well imo). And we're going to talk about unconditional love at some point. So I don't think she was surprised, and I actually think she might be prepared.

I do appreciate the alternative perspectives. It's good to consider all possible outcomes. I need(ed) to be prepared for whatever happens.

For now, things are good. I'm glad I asked. I probably won't get the answer I'm hoping for, but at least I tried, and I won't sit here wondering "what if".

Well, today was the day. She answered the question...She doesn't love me. I'm hurting too much to post anymore right now.

Do I have the date wrong? Isn't today your wedding day? You had a therapy session on your wedding day and chose this day to broach this subject with your therapist?

No. I got married last month on the 20th.

Okay. This thread has been going on for awhile; I lost track.

So, what did she say in response to your question. What was her wording about her feelings about her professional relationship with you?

First she asked me how I defined love. I told her it's caring, but also willing to make sacrifices for the person. She said she only uses the word love with her husband and daughter. She doesn't want to "take her clients home" with her, so she keeps love out of the relationship. She said she does care about me and is willing to make some sacrifices for me (within reason). She said we should talk about what those level of sacrifices are. She told me to try to look beyond the word love.

I'm feeling so embarrassed and ashamed now. I don't know how I can face her again. I'm not mad at her. I'm glad she answered the question and was honest. But I always love the wrong people. Everyone I've loved has either abused me, left me, or didn't love me. And this was bad timing because I'm dealing with ex-T and problems with my mom right now. But then again, when is it a good time to tell someone you don't love them.

I keep trying to tell myself that at least she cares about me. And that she didn't love me last week and everything was okay, so everything should be okay now.

But I don't feel okay. I'm really hurting. I knew there was a high chance that she didn't love me, but I still hoped. I'm so stupid.

Last night, I reacted badly. I actually wrote T that I didn't want to see her again.

Now I just wait to hear back from her. She's probably mad at me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to punish her. She's done nothing wrong. But I'm too ashamed to see her. I just feel like an idiot.

That sounds like a very honest and kind answer. She explained the contexts in which she uses the word love, and she did not say anything negative about you. She didn't say she didn't love you; she said she doesn't use that word in the context of her work. There is no rejection of you in her words. On the contrary, she validated that she cares for you and is showing her care by remaining professional and ethical with you. That is much more than your past experiences.

She is not mad at you! She cares for you and souns like an utterly good and ethical T. Some might call it "professional love", some might want to keep the word love for the people in their personal life like your T and that is ok. You did nothing wrong by asking, she doesn't think you did anything wrong and she still cares for you and wants to be your T.