Any one want to share their own experiences?

[DP_2017]

What do you mean exactly? Sex? Friendship? Something else I am not thinking of?

Anything really. Im trying to get at the limitations of therapy or even the limitations of your own therapist compared to others e.g some touch, some don't.

Unmet childhood needs or friendship. Yes, even sex.

[here today]

My ex-T really (and the whole idea of therapy, which I'm not going to try again): acceptance of my anger and help in processing it.

[DP_2017]

Well I have no interest in sex with mine even if it was legal or I guess it is after 2 yrs of ending or something, but with the friendship aspect, it kills me sometimes. I feel we have a real connection, he shares a lot about himself, I do believe he really cares about me and I him, we have tons in common etc, I know we could/would be good friends, so the whole rules thing on that is awful to deal with. I know when therapy ends its ok, not advised but not wrong, however I don't see him agreeing to anything beyond a occasional stop in or email/call etc

I deal with it by internal hell, lol. We barely discuss it, because its too painful. I feel insane telling people about it so I dont. its literally the worst part of therapy for me, because its the most powerful feelings I had ever about anyone and I feel helpless

As far as touch, thankfully mine does. I was deprived of it growing up... and grew to hate the idea of touch. We hug every session now and even will do comfort hand holds if need be. If I didn't have a T who did that, after this long, I may of quit honestly.... although it does fuel my feelings about him

Therapy feels like a big ****en set up. The client can care far too much.

Just angry and not feeling well and have a session soon.

[DP_2017]

oh i agree, honestly i think its doing more harm than good.... and I'm also addicted to him and going in general. given a choice, id never go if i could redo it

Originally Posted by DP_2017

oh i agree, honestly i think its doing more harm than good.... and I'm also addicted to him and going in general. given a choice, id never go if i could redo it

I have told him I wish I had never met him. Its that painful

[Anastasia~]

I think that I am much better than I used to be. That being said, I think that sometimes, for me, it is very painful. The limitation that bothers me is when I ask for another appointment and he doesn't have any available. Although I get it intellectually, it feels like my reason for asking for the appointment isn't valid or worse, isn't important. My T gets me in most of the time but it is so painful when he can't. And when he gets sick or gets stuck elsewhere and misses a session, I find that to be painful also. And the going back and forth between my intellect, in that I understand why he missed a session, and my emotions in that I'm hurt and angry that he is not present, is all too often too much to deal with.

I do feel that he has met my needs that needed to be met, enough to help me through whatever it is that I am going through now. I am dealing with anger that just sits with me and is triggered by seemingly innocuous things. It doesn't feel like there's a target, it just is at this point.

However, I do need to mention that when I have my abandonment seiges (as T calls them), it is the most unbelievable, excruciating pain that I can imagine. It is no mystery why people who have abandonment issues avoid them like the plague. When I am in that seige, my opinion above may very well be different as I usually feel helpless, hopeless, and a myriad of other terrifying emotions.

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by estellanomore

Therapy feels like a big ****en set up. The client can care far too much.

You're basically paying someone so you can care about them far too much. Isn't that crazy?!

[annielovesbacon]

Things I wish I could have in therapy:
- more time. I only get to see my therapist every other week, at best. Sometimes I have to wait three weeks or even longer. It's not her fault, she works in a clinic that doesn't turn patients down.
- more personal connection. My T knows so much about me but I know nothing about her. I don't need to know her personal problems or life story or anything, but I'd love to know little things. What music does she like? What's her favorite book? What does she do for fun?

[growlycat]

Therapy with my current t seems to be running up against limitations. Even ones I did not think of. Sometimes the boundary seems fuzzy and he feels like a friend. I know he can't be. Last week he hurt me a little by saying I dress to be invisible. The more we talked about it we stumbled into odd territory. At one point said he can't go shopping with me and help me with a makeover because it crosses boundaries. I told him that I don't think I was asking for that??? It is strange how some things are not boundaried and some oddball thing I didn't ask for is somehow off limits? So yeah I wish he were my friend because is is just so so as a therapist.

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Things I wish I could have in therapy:
- more time. I only get to see my therapist every other week, at best. Sometimes I have to wait three weeks or even longer. It's not her fault, she works in a clinic that doesn't turn patients down.
- more personal connection. My T knows so much about me but I know nothing about her. I don't need to know her personal problems or life story or anything, but I'd love to know little things. What music does she like? What's her favorite book? What does she do for fun?

Same. I see T once a fortnight at best. Often have to wait 3 weeks. Spent a year seeing her once a month. Now waiting 7 weeks.

T says she self discloses more to me than some patients but she never even tells me anything personal. I had to ask if she could tell me in advance when she'd be away so I don't call the clinic. She briefly mentioned she won't be around but let me think it was a work course. Then I find out on her public instagram that she's on vacation.

The people in her real life get to have her as a friend...she has friendships spanning 15+ years. She has close confidants and most of her friends seem to adore her. She's got great colleagues...

"My therapist is not the mother or father I never had. I never had nor will I ever have the parent I never had. Therapy should help us to understand what was missing, but it cannot reverse the loss of what we missed. Good therapy can help us overcome those deficits that arise from faulty parenting. Just as paying for therapy helps us realise that we have to purchase what we did not receive from our parents, termination helps us realise in a final and painful way what we will never receive."

-- "A Perilous Calling: The Hazards of Psychotherapy Practice"
by Michael B. Sussman

[here today]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

. . .
"My therapist is not the mother or father I never had. I never had nor will I ever have the parent I never had. Therapy should help us to understand what was missing, but it cannot reverse the loss of what we missed. Good therapy can help us overcome those deficits that arise from faulty parenting. Just as paying for therapy helps us realise that we have to purchase what we did not receive from our parents, termination helps us realise in a final and painful way what we will never receive."

-- "A Perilous Calling: The Hazards of Psychotherapy Practice"
by Michael B. Sussman

This is a great quote. It should be given to clients upfront as a guide to what to expect. Yes, sure my unrealistic expectations may very well have come up in therapy. And in good therapy they most likely would have. But this quote would have given me a realistic guide to contrast with my unrealistic expectations. When I was angry at those unfulfilled expectations was not the time. Because then I felt duped. And still feel duped. All the more so that the therapists knew what was in the quote all along! Or maybe should have.

Yes, I did have the final and painful realization, about my parents and about therapy. But, as I've said before, 55 years is an awfully long time to get there. Sure, some may get it sooner. But based on my experience with other people in support groups, some probably never get it.

And then the challenge -- how to overcome the deficits once we know them? Some kind of "rehab" would sure be nice! This from social workers probably more than psychotherapists. And pay for the service? Yeah, sure. But there is no such service that I know of, and I have certainly looked!

Originally Posted by here today

This is a great quote. It should be given to clients upfront as a guide to what to expect. Yes, sure my unrealistic expectations may very well have come up in therapy. And in good therapy they most likely would have. But this quote would have given me a realistic guide to contrast with my unrealistic expectations. When I was angry at those unfulfilled expectations was not the time. Because then I felt duped. And still feel duped. All the more so that the therapists knew what was in the quote all along! Or maybe should have.

Yes, I did have the final and painful realization, about my parents and about therapy. But, as I've said before, 55 years is an awfully long time to get there. Sure, some may get it sooner. But based on my experience with other people in support groups, some probably never get it.

And then the challenge -- how to overcome the deficits once we know them? Some kind of "rehab" would sure be nice! This from social workers probably more than psychotherapists. And pay for the service? Yeah, sure. But there is no such service that I know of, and I have certainly looked!

I read some foster-to-adopt parenting blogs and it is heartbreakingly painful to witness the love they pour out to their children.

I know not all foster or adoptive parents are like that, (and many are abusive etc) yet to know such love is possible brings a pain I can't find good words to express. And of course I'm not saying that kind of love heals wounds, pretty sure those kids and teens and young adults still have their original wounds...

Part of me thinks that's the "cure", the " good ending"and yet it's also looking for new parent figures which is impossible.

Therapy and self help talks a lot about learning self love, skills training in social skills, assertiveness training, and it seems like that's the "rehab" they propose.

ETA: not that I believe what therapy and self help proposes

I would have to grieve the effects of a therapist who is incompetent when it comes to attachment and trauma and who harmed me. He is not affected-he doesn't even give it a thought; just goes on with his life, while I'm crushed and can't get by.

There is very little support for someone in my situation here. I have had stable employment, little relational conflict over the years, kids who turned out healthy and happy, never attempted sui or self-harmed. Now I'm a basket case, ready to off myself.

Feel so alienated. No where to go for support. My T said call crisis lines. Yeah, lot's to grieve.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Therapy with my current t seems to be running up against limitations. Even ones I did not think of. Sometimes the boundary seems fuzzy and he feels like a friend. I know he can't be. Last week he hurt me a little by saying I dress to be invisible. The more we talked about it we stumbled into odd territory. At one point said he can't go shopping with me and help me with a makeover because it crosses boundaries. I told him that I don't think I was asking for that??? It is strange how some things are not boundaried and some oddball thing I didn't ask for is somehow off limits? So yeah I wish he were my friend because is is just so so as a therapist.

Sounds a lot like mine, he has said yes to everything I ever asked him, some he shouldn't and then says no to being in the car with me for phobia work, and stated the insurance would not approve, he never asked or anything.

I wish we were friends instead too, its the hardest thing because we would be amazing friends and well, there is the hope of AFTER therapy for that but some T's just wont even go there, even though its not actually illegal its just not advised

Weirdly enough, mine did suggest we meet up at a store once, because of something they sell related to a phobia, I'd pay to meet him like a session obviously but he didn't seem to think that was boundary issue, so its weird yours did esp without being asked

[here today]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

I would have to grieve the effects of a therapist who is incompetent when it comes to attachment and trauma and who harmed me. He is not affected-he doesn't even give it a thought; just goes on with his life, while I'm crushed and can't get by.

There is very little support for someone in my situation here. I have had stable employment, little relational conflict over the years, kids who turned out healthy and happy, never attempted sui or self-harmed. Now I'm a basket case, ready to off myself.

Feel so alienated. No where to go for support. My T said call crisis lines. Yeah, lot's to grieve.

I definitely understand being a basket case and the alienation. I fell apart after my late husband died 18 years ago. I tried different therapists for years. With the last one, I called crisis lines when my T wasn't available -- I just did it, turned out she didn't even know what was available in our state. The ones here were usually very helpful. But I feared/expected they might cut me off if I called too much or send a crisis unit to my house, so I was careful about how often I called.

That's not a long-term solution, though. But I also found social support here and in some in person support groups.

I am very sorry that your T abandoned and hurt you. It really sucks.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Therapy with my current t seems to be running up against limitations. Even ones I did not think of. Sometimes the boundary seems fuzzy and he feels like a friend. I know he can't be. Last week he hurt me a little by saying I dress to be invisible. The more we talked about it we stumbled into odd territory. At one point said he can't go shopping with me and help me with a makeover because it crosses boundaries. I told him that I don't think I was asking for that??? It is strange how some things are not boundaried and some oddball thing I didn't ask for is somehow off limits? So yeah I wish he were my friend because is is just so so as a therapist.

Oh wow, that would be a one-way ticket to Rupture Town for me. First that he would assume you would want that (and even if you did, that he thinks he has good enough style sense to tell you how to dress). And then that he preemptively rejected something you didn't even ask for. And finally I have found that entertaining the thought of something like that in therapy, your T helping you with something important, even knowing it couldn't or wouldn't happen, can be incredibly useful. But it only works as long as the T doesn't insist on driving in the Boundary Truck and parking it right on top of the idea. The image or thought of re-writing the script is surprisingly powerful.

I got all that I needed from the therapist as she helped me grieve what I didn't get and will never get from my parents. And, I am more than okay with that.

[rainbow8]

I've had to grieve over and over for what my Ts couldn't give me. I wanted them to be mother, sister, friend and partner. I wanted them to give me unconditional love and be there for me always. I wanted them to comfort my child parts who were unhappy. I also wanted to be part of their life. I wanted (and still do) them to share some of their life with me.

I've discussed all of the above with my Ts, but mostly with my current T. I've had to come to terms with the reality and find that what she can give me is good enough. I still wonder if it was worth it. Like others wonder, for those of us with attachment problems, is therapy worth the trouble? I've learned a lot about myself and my needs, but the grief experienced because T is not "the one" is often almost intolerable.