Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Merry xmas eve T

I'm going to miss you next week. I hope you have a good Christmas. I love you.

Dear MC,
I don't feel sad that we won't see you at our usual time tomorrow, and I think I'm OK with the fact that we won't see you until a week from Wed. Who knows if that will last, but...maybe a sign that I am in fact ready to space out sessions? Hope you're having a good trip (you'll note I didn't even ask where you were going!)
Love,
LT

Hi again. Hey I'm realizing since I admitted that stuff in my email, another factor in this needing to leave you. (multi-faceted, isn't it?) The newest factor that if/when I act on it I will let you know, is that I'm thinking maybe I need to work with someone else now. A male t. Because of the animus stuff and mostly because of the wishing we could be friends thing that gets in the way for me. I know I've never wanted to consider that before when you've mentioned it in the past. But I'm in a place now where I'm ready to be open to that idea. I'm not going to see anybody for awhile though. I need some more time to just be me in the world and also how shall I say this, clean my palate maybe? before I start again with a different t. We'll see how it goes. I love you, t. And I imagine that I always will. I wish I had not forgotten to bring in the letter I wrote you. Maybe I will mail it.

Merry Xmas eve, Beavers. It's been ten weeks since I've seen you. I miss you - sort of. I'm doing well, things are good, but I feel sort of lonesome sometimes. Sometimes I think it would be nice to see you, but when I try and project myself into your office, I find I don't have anything to say. I hope you're well.

Best,

Argo

Missing you Dr. S, This time last year I was walking by the house I imaged to be yours, seeing their tree in the window and thinking about how you would be with your family. I haven't been able to do my walk in so long, I wonder if that house will hold the same fondness when I am able to do my walk again.

I want to email you again - I won't. I don't need to. Finally feeling more connected to you than I have in many weeks. It feels good, warm.

Take care of yourself. I still need you.

Love,
me

dear t, i feel like i have wronged you.

Why r u doing this to me
Infiltrating my mind
You're invading my space
You need to stop

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you're having a good time. You know I love you even though sometimes I act like I hate you.

Thank you for not agreeing to help me stop therapy. Had you agreed, I don't know what would have happened. I would spend all of Xmas and New Year's crying, at the very least. It's ironic. I know you want me to cry, to get in touch with the sadness I've buried. But the only way to really make me cry is for you to not stop me when I tell you I want to leave. As soon as I saw that you wanted me to stay, I stopped wanting to cry. Everything is okay again, more or less.

As I said, you have the power to make me cry. You have the power to break me. But how will you do it? How are you going to do it without destroying me in the process?

Dear MC,
I miss you and how I used to feel about you. I feel like you irrevocably changed some of that a couple weeks ago, with that phone call. I know I probably needed that, to break me from the spell, to keep me from being hopelessly attached to you forever. But even though this is probably better for me in the long run, I miss that feeling, that intense attachment, that more innocent love...
Less a fan of the reality...even if I had to realize it at some point.
Still love you, even if it's different,
LT

Dear Ex-T,
It would have been nice if you'd at least said something in response to my update e-mail from a couple weeks ago, especially since you said it was OK to send. Even if it had just been "Thanks for the updates, hope to see you in February." But nope, nothing. I guess you didn't want to take the chance of encouraging me.

Pretty sure I made the right choice in leaving you. Not saying current T is perfect, but I think, after 3 months, he gets me better than you did after 6 years... Not sure I'll bother with a termination session--what's the point, really? Suppose I'll see how I feel in February...

Merry Christmas, I guess...
LT

T, I want to escape this party. Why is being around people I don't know so painful? Why am I so awkward? How do people socialize? I don't get it. I can't make small talk. I am feeling really down on myself. I'm trying not to consciously think the bad things about myself, but I feel them all the same. How exactly do I start being kinder to myself?

T, that was so nice for you to want to help me so much! I really wanted your help and was thrilled that you gave it to me, but I'm so hoping that it doesn't backfire! I'm feeling so conflicted right now. I'm not sure if I should mention it to you as you might get mad. It's such a tough spot to be in. I really that if I bring it up that you're not mad or defensive! And I so don't want this to all backfire!

RoboT,

Quit breaking into my dreams. Stay out of my head. Go away.

I hope you are having a very Merry Christmas. I am choosing to think only about all the good instead of this ****ed up ending. I love you.

Dear T,
Even anonymously I cannot write or say what i am feeling and thinking. I am so overwhelmed with my falseness. You seem to get it. What's reflecting back? Is this transference? Of my feelings about who though? My mom, dad, brothers, husband, all?
Just mom? I am brave and independent, yet weak and fake. Hopelessly attached and wanting love, yet hating myself. Why can't i love myself? For anything?? Or do I really love myself, and since i am so disgusting, I need to be dead. Before i hurt anyone else any more.
No you tomorrow. So many moments until Thursday. And then, I won't say any of this, and you will know, and gently call "me" out.
So kind! How do you do it? How do you stand me? Please don't go.

~Searching

Say something back? Plz

I'm sorry I accused you of being in my head and I'm sorry I threatened to have you arrested. I'm sorry t. Got lost in the fake world again....

Sooo do you think I could be on the autism spectrum? As I'm thinking about it, it makes so much make sense. My rigid routines, my intense focus on things, my issues with noise, my lifelong struggle with social situations. Has it ever occurred to you? You have never said anything, but I guess you wouldn't, would you? Have you thought it?

Dear R,

Christmas day and told I was told that i'm a dumb ***** and a stupid cow. Guess what I said back?

Nothing.

"Well, at least I was AT the Nativity..."

Dear T,
I don't know if we are okay or not. I don't know if I know what is going on with me.

I hope you're not angry at me. I am terribly sorry and really embarrassed. Please forgive me..... I am so sorry

Dear T,
I survived Christmas Eve with the in-laws and Christmas Day with the parents/aunt! Hope you had a great holiday (or, if you don't celebrate, a lovely Sunday and Monday). Looking forward to seeing you Wednesday (still not sure if I'm telling you about that dream...),
LT

Again...what is a T????

T = Therapist