Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

breadcrumbs... yeah, well. I had to make sure I could find my way back, didn't I? Iffn I'd got lost down that rabbit hole?

Yes. I think maybe that's what t was getting at maybe. And here I'd thought it was a good thing that I wanted to take control of my life. Ha. She said that the work that I've done up until now has made me strong enough to do this next bit.

Honestly peoples, I am of two completely opposite minds here. On one side, I could see being in therapy forever and as part of that being a t myself. On the other side, I just want to be free and live my freaking life like everybody who's not in therapy gets to do.

Why me? (Why any of us?) Why am I so called to this, yet at the same time I want out? I asked that question last night and of course she couldn't answer it.

Art, I think it's great that you realized what you needed and went for it. There's no shame in that. I'm glad it was helpful to you and that T didn't pressure you to schedule again.

One thing that my T told me yesterday when I told him about telling MC we were going to terminate is that if we ultimately end up going back to him more regularly (we do see him in a month, but he meant after that), how there's no shame in that, and to ignore what other people might say about it. Which made me feel better. He also said, in the previous session, how often, if he has a client who plans to terminate, they might end up deciding to come back, either right away or later. He said that 20% of his clients are "repeat customers" (who came back at some point). Conversely, he said that sometimes clients decide to schedule a termination session a month out, then end up calling and saying they don't actually need it, so he doesn't see them again. So it varies and often changes from the original plan.

In other words, this isn't just an Art thing, this is a very common therapy thing! Not saying you're not unique, because you certainly are!

Nope! I am done with therapy. I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to have essentially no closure. And that is what is getting to me. And the fact that t has still not gotten back to me about a phone call for closure has my anxiety even more on edge.

Art, I'm glad you went and had a good session. There's no right or wrong here. Unaluna is so right when she says it's us against ourselves.

healed, I'm so sorry your therapist is such a slouch when it comes to his response (or lack of) and general jello like consistency with time frames. I wonder if a therapist is capable of giving anyone closure when they have mishandled things and can't/won't address it?

I’m quoting art, but this is a general question, because the same idea was expressed in another thread recently, and I don’t quite understand it (not criticizing anyone who feels this way).

Why does being in therapy mean you can’t live your life? I don’t have a sense I have to pause my life while in therapy. I don’t mean just the getting up and going to work and other typical features of one’s life but making changes and trying new things and enjoying life when possible. Isn’t it all simultaneous action? Why does leaving/not being in therapy=living your life?

Ugg... mine liked to hiss "God will know!" during interrogations where she wouldn't believe me.

Going back doesn't mean your weak and I don't think any of us would think that. You have to do what's best for you and we'll be here regardless.

I hope you get a response back soon.

For me it's because of the relentless self-work. It never lets up. Even when I took 5 weeks off from it the only thing I didn't do was physically go to t's office and talk. The work won't let me alone!

Regarding siblings, I'm effing glad abuser brother hasn't messaged in several months. He doesn't want conversation when he messages anyway, just a dump window for his ranting about how people are idiots, how "work is slavery" (says the person refusing to work and living off others' labour), how he's "stuck in life" thanks to me.

If I could, I want absolutely zero contact with him.

I talked with my partner about the future. Who'd be welcome in our future home when I move and am legally resident. He wants to never see my family of origin ever again if he can help it. Other than my younger brother.

But...isn’t the relentless self-work living your life?

Self-work never ends, whether you’re in therapy or not. People not in therapy work on themselves too. It’s not like when therapy begins the self-work starts, and when it ends the self-work is over.

I don’t feel like my life is on hold while in therapy. I just never thought I would want to be a “lifer.”

There was a time when I was initially doing trauma work were felt like my life was on hold because I could barley cope with what trauma work brought of for me.. but that was short lived, and ultimately healing. Would not have gone on with therapy if it was like that all the time.

I think about this a lot. I think about people like my mom who really need therapy (or something like therapy) but vehemently refuse to go. I don't envy that type of unexamined, rigid mindset. Yes, she lives her life without attending weekly appointments and yes, she will never know the overwhelming mindf*ck that is transference, but is it better? H ell no. I would take my personal growth and newfound courage any day. My eyes are open and I'm not going back.

Also, I bet we make assumptions that a lot of strong, smart people we know aren't in therapy when they actually might be. I think almost all of my local friends either are in therapy, have been in therapy, or are seriously considering therapy, but it took me literally like four years (and opening up about my own therapy) to find this out.

Finally! (geez, it's fun up on this soapbox) I agree with ATAT that living life and being in therapy are not fundamentally incompatible. In fact, I get more confident and daring about experimenting and trying new things in my life if I know my therapist is there to help me pick up the pieces when/if it all blows up. That includes things like meeting new people, trying new activities, and asking important people in my life for things I really want. It's that safety net thing. I can strategize with my therapist, express my anxiety, go out and do it anyway, and then report back on my failures and triumphs. It's all pretty dramatic, delightful stuff.

I don't see why therapy cannot be used like yoga or meditation or qigong or rugby (all of which I do or have done). It can be a part of life. It doesn't have to be - I think it depends on whether you view it as you go to fix/stop/ etc X or that you are using it to find out/explore/etc yourself.

I used it to vent about dying loved one. For me, using it for X did not work at all and I never went in order to explore or know myself (I think I already do and the therapists misguided attempts at making therapy into this only showed me I was right). I do not believe therapy is something that can help everyone.
But I do believe it is a perfectly valid use of therapy to use it like that if one finds value in it. I did not feel like my life was on hold because I hired a therapist.

I've been wondering this same thing regarding MC...

Not me. I want my life back. I need to find the rhythm of my days, and seeing him twice a week, two days in a row, completely breaks my stride. I want NO regular obligations on me.

9 minutes of cardio just nearly killed me. But I have around 60lb to lose to be a healthy weight and I will not fail at this. So maybe tomorrow it will be 10 minutes.

Working out is hard, so: Well done!

The only time I felt like life was on hold while in therapy was when I had very little extra money and was pretty much month to month. Then, it was either therapy or getting/doing other things that made me feel good. At that time, I quit so that I could buy a car, and it felt very freeing.

Also, depending on what's happening, therapy can leave me feeling beat up, especially when it turns into what I am perceiving/doing wrong.

I agree, well said.

True, it could be thought of as keeping your brain in shape as exercise keeps your body in shape. Or even if one mostly stops therapy and just goes back periodically, then it's sort of like getting a car tuneup.

I do anticipate that I will be a lifer at this point, mostly because of my current age and what I am getting out of it. I agree that I see myself using therapy in this capacity - a safety net type of thing and a place to figure out how to get to where I want to go.

I also have an ED that I feel I will never be able to really break, so I think having a T there to talk about things and basically be a check in place around it will help me keep myself where I want to be (much more physically healthy).

I do see myself dropping down to more like monthly sessions ... some year/decade and I guess as long as I have insurance to cover it, it's not that much from a financial perspective.

That's what I am aiming for.

And judging by t's email this morning, I think we're there.

Eta: and I am so grateful. Being completely seen and heard like t did last night was more than I could ever have asked for.

Closure is a myth. Bad relationships don't have good endings.