[confused_77]

Over the last month or so I find myself wanting to share all my thoughts with the T. There is an endless stream of things I want to talk about and I email her so much. When I try to think of why I do it, I seem to believe that I want her to understand me, I wand her to validate my thoughts. Does it even make sense?
I am very lonely irl so I do not get to share those everyday things with many people but I don't even want to tell her about whats going on , just how I feel. This need is insatiable. I have never ever talked about most of what I tell/write to her so its so liberating but there is always more and more.
I don't even understand this urge myself

[Tbhimscared]

I relate to this so much. There are constant thoughts going through my head of what I want to tell T but I usually email her something between sessions, usually a question that I could wait to ask in session but I have the urge to make another connection between the 2 weeks. I also don’t really have anywhere else to share things with besides with T so I think it makes me even more attached to any attention from her

[MRT6211]

I struggle with similar issues and I started a system with current T where I journal and get all of my thoughts out at the end of each day, and then I send her the journal every so often and she reads it, puts some notes on it or circles things we need to talk about, and then hands it back to me.

The first set of journal entries was more like a book containing my life story. It ended up being 16 typed pages single spaced...oops...but she read the whole dang thing. And now I feel lighter because I got it all off of my chest. First, she had me write a list of the top 5 things I wanted her to know about, and then in that first journal, each day I tackled a new thing on the list to just pour my heart out about.

Maybe something like journaling would be helpful for you?

[stopdog]

I don't think, from what I have read, it is unusual to want validation from a therapist.

I like MRT6211's idea of journaling. I think that could help you a lot.

Since my T doesn't allow emailing (it's not her fault, though, as it's against office policy), I write letters to her and hand them over during session so she can read them. So I guess it's sort of like emailing.

When I create these letters, I use Microsoft Word and type out every single thing that pops into my head. (It's basically journaling, I guess, mixed with some brainstorming.) Then I review what I wrote and try to make things more succinct so that I'm not rambling too much. I also make sure the letter is no more than 2 pages, which is admittedly tough, but that's how I force myself to stay on track. (You don't have to keep it to 2 pages, though. Write however many pages you want. This is just my rule of thumb so that I have plenty of time to discuss the contents of the letter.)

I think ^that^ could help slow down the constant emailing if you're unhappy with the urge to email all the time. Well, you can still write emails instead of writing letters and handing them to her, as there is nothing wrong with emailing. But my point is that you can keep a journal for the week, edit it for brevity, then send it off. I also think that could help her keep track of things since IMO it's easy for things to get lost.

Ohhh, and another thing...

What about creating a Google Doc and using that to store your journal? Then share that doc with your therapist. It's one awesome way to keep everything in one place!

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think, from what I have read, it is unusual to want validation from a therapist.

I think it is very natural to want your most inner and private thoughts that feel scary to be shared with most people not to be dismissed by a T. We open up and want that honest, vulnerable part to be accepted. I also want to know if I make sense. I constantly question it. its like i always ask myself if what I feel is right!

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Ohhh, and another thing...

What about creating a Google Doc and using that to store your journal? Then share that doc with your therapist. It's one awesome way to keep everything in one place!

that sounds so good! it almost feels less intrusive. Is there a way to practically do it when I write something and she has equal access to it but I don't have to send it as such??

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by confused_77

that sounds so good! it almost feels less intrusive. Is there a way to practically do it when I write something and she has equal access to it but I don't have to send it as such??

Yes, if you share the doc with her, you can decide for her to have read-not or editing access. You can both access it at any time.

[Fernwehxx]

I have the same desire, but I do not dare to ask for outside contact. I am crazy needy and attached, and I do not want her to think I am overstepping boundaries.
So, I write everything down and read it before the session (shorter stuff) to bring it up. Or, I write her a letter and hand it to her.

In the past, I have never dared to be this open with someone, and no therapist has ever given me this much insight and support. The wanting to be totally honest with her is a good sign for me, I guess, because I have never been honest and this open before.

[Crookedspin]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I have the same desire, but I do not dare to ask for outside contact. I am crazy needy and attached, and I do not want her to think I am overstepping boundaries.
So, I write everything down and read it before the session (shorter stuff) to bring it up. Or, I write her a letter and hand it to her.

In the past, I have never dared to be this open with someone, and no therapist has ever given me this much insight and support. The wanting to be totally honest with her is a good sign for me, I guess, because I have never been honest and this open before.

Hi Fernwehxx-- I relate a lot to what I feel in what you've written and have been giving this a lot of thought lately during what feels like a kind of impasse between my T and me. I am compulsively attentive to boundaries with my T . (She invites me to be in touch between sessions and I never am, I am careful not to raise my voice in session even when I'm expressing very powerful stuff, I get nervous when we're in close physical proximity when passing in her hallway). I've felt this to be a need to be "respectful" and "not threatening" but I think I've been protecting myself against how needy and vulnerable bumping up against a boundary would demonstrate me to be. And how humiliating it would be for me to ever be told that I'm overstepping. Basically, I've thought that I'm adhering so closely to boundaries out of respect my T but I think I'm doing it for me. What you wrote about never having "dared to be this open" is I think what made me connect what you wrote to the way I've been thinking about things. But big disclaimer--this of course is my experience and I'm not trying to "interpret" yours.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by Crookedspin

Hi Fernwehxx-- I relate a lot to what I feel in what you've written and have been giving this a lot of thought lately during what feels like a kind of impasse between my T and me. I am compulsively attentive to boundaries with my T . (She invites me to be in touch between sessions and I never am, I am careful not to raise my voice in session even when I'm expressing very powerful stuff, I get nervous when we're in close physical proximity when passing in her hallway). I've felt this to be a need to be "respectful" and "not threatening" but I think I've been protecting myself against how needy and vulnerable bumping up against a boundary would demonstrate me to be. And how humiliating it would be for me to ever be told that I'm overstepping. Basically, I've thought that I'm adhering so closely to boundaries out of respect my T but I think I'm doing it for me. What you wrote about never having "dared to be this open" is I think what made me connect what you wrote to the way I've been thinking about things. But big disclaimer--this of course is my experience and I'm not trying to "interpret" yours.

Very interesting what you are both writing. I think for about a year I was like that too.. i would not dare to ask for an outside contact and only send maybe 4 short txts in a year if it wasn't abour rescheduling. I didn't want to be needy, didn't realise I could ever have any outside contact etc. Therapy without emails have been a completly different experience, almost incomplete as I still had so much stuck in me.
Then I was about to move abroad and was so worried we would have to terminate sessions and I wasn't even comfortable talking about how much the sessions ment to me and I felt like I have not said so much of what I wanted so the first email was written in fear of not being able to ever express it. Then t suggested we could easily talk over skype and its been like that for 2 years now!
I do think that the healthy bounderies have only been overstepped very recently as I seem to just flow with emails. What bothers me is she has not commented on anything and I do mention the overstepping of bounderies in emails a lot and asked her a lot in writing to tell me that I have overdone it but she never does. I worry she doesn't say anything because I also stress a lot how much those emails mean to me.

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by Crookedspin

Hi Fernwehxx-- I relate a lot to what I feel in what you've written and have been giving this a lot of thought lately during what feels like a kind of impasse between my T and me. I am compulsively attentive to boundaries with my T . (She invites me to be in touch between sessions and I never am, I am careful not to raise my voice in session even when I'm expressing very powerful stuff, I get nervous when we're in close physical proximity when passing in her hallway). I've felt this to be a need to be "respectful" and "not threatening" but I think I've been protecting myself against how needy and vulnerable bumping up against a boundary would demonstrate me to be. And how humiliating it would be for me to ever be told that I'm overstepping. Basically, I've thought that I'm adhering so closely to boundaries out of respect my T but I think I'm doing it for me. What you wrote about never having "dared to be this open" is I think what made me connect what you wrote to the way I've been thinking about things. But big disclaimer--this of course is my experience and I'm not trying to "interpret" yours.

Crooked, it partly is true. I don't ask her for a hug because I'm afraid a no would shatter me. I don't ask for being able to email because I couldn't deal with rejection. I don't want her to think I'm stalking her (she kinda knows I obsess with her but doesn't make a biggie out of it, and I would be scared if that changed). I don't mind physical proximity... We have sat next to each other, been in elevators together, and such. But, your are right, even though I do think clients shouldn't feel entitled to their T granting them outside contact, I know that some of those things I do for myself because, seriously, that lady could shatter my heart in no time as she knows my deepest secrets, and my attachment to her is one of them...

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by confused_77

Very interesting what you are both writing. I think for about a year I was like that too.. i would not dare to ask for an outside contact and only send maybe 4 short txts in a year if it wasn't abour rescheduling. I didn't want to be needy, didn't realise I could ever have any outside contact etc. Therapy without emails have been a completly different experience, almost incomplete as I still had so much stuck in me.
Then I was about to move abroad and was so worried we would have to terminate sessions and I wasn't even comfortable talking about how much the sessions ment to me and I felt like I have not said so much of what I wanted so the first email was written in fear of not being able to ever express it. Then t suggested we could easily talk over skype and its been like that for 2 years now!
I do think that the healthy bounderies have only been overstepped very recently as I seem to just flow with emails. What bothers me is she has not commented on anything and I do mention the overstepping of bounderies in emails a lot and asked her a lot in writing to tell me that I have overdone it but she never does. I worry she doesn't say anything because I also stress a lot how much those emails mean to me.

I bet in a way emailing could be helpful. On the other hand, I am not sure to what extent. If she didn't reply, I'd go crazy, If she did, I would be unsure of whether to write back again or not... and in the end, I'd feel bad for taking up her time beyond sessions (I have severe self-worth issues).
I also wonder if it just intensify my love for her and the pain this transference brings with it. I don't know, though.

Can't you ask her straight up to answer the boundary questions you asked? Because those unanswered questions aren't helping you, and she's you T and should tell you, hey, it's alright. or, hey, here are my boundaries, and you need to accept them. Ignoring the topic isn't a great way of dealing with it. It may mean it's just not that important to her, and in this case, you just need to tell her it is to you.

It's hard being that honest (for me, at least), but every time I am honest with my T and she reacts positively and in a caring way, my heart kind of leaps.

One topic that's really hard is transference. I am worried she ... dunno, thinks I'm nuts (she says she doesn't) or gets worried I might overstep boundaries or stalk her (I don't, but how can she know?) and would not want to worry her, or even lose her.... Therapy is complicated. LOL.

I wrote some kind of essay about my issues, more for myself, but I want to give it to her.... and am not sure if I should. I write so many things I'd love her to read but worry it might be too close and too much...

[pepper_mint]

Originally Posted by confused_77

Very interesting what you are both writing. I think for about a year I was like that too.. i would not dare to ask for an outside contact and only send maybe 4 short txts in a year if it wasn't abour rescheduling. I didn't want to be needy, didn't realise I could ever have any outside contact etc.

I totally understand this. I've never discussed boundaries with my T. but from the beginning, I assumed that we have only our 50 min and nothing more. So I don't send emails to her, don't call - no contact outside at all.
What's more - I haven't asked any question about her life because I'm afraid that it's personal and she doesn't have to answer (and I'm afraid of hearing rejection).
Once, I talked about one book and I thought that I could borrow her this book, but then I realized that probably it's crossing boundaries and didn't even asked.

I'm really careful with this because I don't want to hear someday that "it's too much, we are not friends, and it goes beyond our therapeutic relationship" :-/
However, it's possible that she's just fine with this kind of things. I'm just afraid to ask.

[Crookedspin]

There's a lot to what everyone's written and I've gotta say, it's great to be able to talk about this stuff here with all you friendly strangers One thing I'm taking away from this is that I'm determined to tell my T just what I said here. In reading other people's accounts of their reluctance to even chance breaching a barrier I can't help but want to tell you all, "No, this is exactly the juicy stuff you should be talking about--this is what therapy is all about. Far from getting freaked, your therapist will probably be thrilled!!" So I'm determined to talk about this next session. I'll also tell her that I was inspired to do so here, and I throw that in because I've hesitated to tell her that I seek company in online forums. (Not sure why, but I'm thinking it's maybe because it would likely introduce questions of what I'm seeking in between sessions, and seems like it would likely bring us right around to this stuff about boundaries and wish for more closeness that I've been avoiding talking about.)

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by Crookedspin

Hi Fernwehxx-- I relate a lot to what I feel in what you've written and have been giving this a lot of thought lately during what feels like a kind of impasse between my T and me. I am compulsively attentive to boundaries with my T . (She invites me to be in touch between sessions and I never am, I am careful not to raise my voice in session even when I'm expressing very powerful stuff, I get nervous when we're in close physical proximity when passing in her hallway). I've felt this to be a need to be "respectful" and "not threatening" but I think I've been protecting myself against how needy and vulnerable bumping up against a boundary would demonstrate me to be. And how humiliating it would be for me to ever be told that I'm overstepping. Basically, I've thought that I'm adhering so closely to boundaries out of respect my T but I think I'm doing it for me. What you wrote about never having "dared to be this open" is I think what made me connect what you wrote to the way I've been thinking about things. But big disclaimer--this of course is my experience and I'm not trying to "interpret" yours.

Originally Posted by confused_77

Very interesting what you are both writing. I think for about a year I was like that too.. i would not dare to ask for an outside contact and only send maybe 4 short txts in a year if it wasn't abour rescheduling. I didn't want to be needy, didn't realise I could ever have any outside contact etc. Therapy without emails have been a completly different experience, almost incomplete as I still had so much stuck in me.
Then I was about to move abroad and was so worried we would have to terminate sessions and I wasn't even comfortable talking about how much the sessions ment to me and I felt like I have not said so much of what I wanted so the first email was written in fear of not being able to ever express it. Then t suggested we could easily talk over skype and its been like that for 2 years now!
I do think that the healthy bounderies have only been overstepped very recently as I seem to just flow with emails. What bothers me is she has not commented on anything and I do mention the overstepping of bounderies in emails a lot and asked her a lot in writing to tell me that I have overdone it but she never does. I worry she doesn't say anything because I also stress a lot how much those emails mean to me.

Originally Posted by Crookedspin

There's a lot to what everyone's written and I've gotta say, it's great to be able to talk about this stuff here with all you friendly strangers One thing I'm taking away from this is that I'm determined to tell my T just what I said here. In reading other people's accounts of their reluctance to even chance breaching a barrier I can't help but want to tell you all, "No, this is exactly the juicy stuff you should be talking about--this is what therapy is all about. Far from getting freaked, your therapist will probably be thrilled!!" So I'm determined to talk about this next session. I'll also tell her that I was inspired to do so here, and I throw that in because I've hesitated to tell her that I seek company in online forums. (Not sure why, but I'm thinking it's maybe because it would likely introduce questions of what I'm seeking in between sessions, and seems like it would likely bring us right around to this stuff about boundaries and wish for more closeness that I've been avoiding talking about.)

Youre quite right. If I can't say it to my T, I can't say it to anyone. I keep telling myself to talk about it all more. Ill probably show her what I wrote (quite a part of it is about her and my attachment).
And maybe, just maybe, if I dare... Ill ask her for more..,

[Elio]

I do journal to my T, multiple times a day. I give my journal to her at each session and she reads it between sessions. Often times we'll talk about something in the journal during that session. Sometimes it is weeks before I bring something up. Sometimes I never bring something up. I try really hard to keep my journal to <9 pages single sided single spaced typed. This includes a very detailed (4+page) session notes write up. I see my T 2x a week. I am down to emailing her weekly to every other week, just depending, with much less stress around her replies. The longing is much less, I still think about her and miss her a good amount of time.

[Crookedspin]

Originally Posted by Elio

I do journal to my T, multiple times a day. I give my journal to her at each session and she reads it between sessions. Often times we'll talk about something in the journal during that session. Sometimes it is weeks before I bring something up. Sometimes I never bring something up. I try really hard to keep my journal to <9 pages single sided single spaced typed. This includes a very detailed (4+page) session notes write up. I see my T 2x a week. I am down to emailing her weekly to every other week, just depending, with much less stress around her replies. The longing is much less, I still think about her and miss her a good amount of time.

Hi Elio,
Wow, that's great that you have that working relationship with your T and I admire how hard it sounds like you're both working. Thanks for sharing what you've done/are doing along these lines. Just so I'm sure I understand, when you mention that "Sometimes it is weeks before I bring something up" do you mean then that your T is the one who introduces topics for your sessions and is it that she brings things up that she's read in your journal?
If so, are you ever surprised by what she chooses to bring up? Did this practice with your journal make it easier to just talk about things as they occurred to you?

[Fernwehxx]

I write her letters sometimes, which is similar to journaling for me. I gave her a pretty long one a little while ago, and she read it and started talking about one thing... I think she chose the topic because ahe knew that its one thing I needed to get out first because my guilt and grief was in the way of everything else. The session after, she asked about one certain thing right away, and thats one of the main issues.

So, I like when she chooses a topic. She seems to get it right all the time, and she kniws that the approach of simply letting me start something doesn't work because I tend to blank and dismiss my thoughts.

Im I have handed her my journal, too. Maybe I can just tell her one day, but for now, the writing has opened an awesome door...

[Crookedspin]

Really enjoyed our convo here last week and I wanted to share with you all that I did as planned and talked to my T about what we talked about here. It led to a pretty deep conversation that came around to her saying that I don't let her in. I share what's bothering me in detail, and don't withhold in that way. But she said that I seem to refuse to allow her to help me; that I don't keep her with me outside of sessions, that I don't let what she says sink in. She said that I don't use her like other patients do. I appreciate that last part because it actually sparked my wish to be like other people, worries that I'm not doing therapy "correctly", etc. That's an idea that one could run with, and I know she is careful about what she says to me and how she says it; I'm glad she put it that bluntly.

I'm just summing up quickly here. I know this might seem like a cool thing to realize and discuss, but this feels like such a big issue that I don't know the parameters of. And, as with everything, I doubt my ability/willingness to really do something about it. It's also really hard to face the idea of how alone I am. It's like I go out into the world like someone diving into the sea in a wetsuit. I may be immersed but nothing gets in.

Just wanted to share, and I'm happy to talk more as you all want to as I consider this sooo important and liked talking with you all about it.

[Hazelgreen]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I relate to this so much. There are constant thoughts going through my head of what I want to tell T but I usually email her something between sessions, usually a question that I could wait to ask in session but I have the urge to make another connection between the 2 weeks. I also don’t really have anywhere else to share things with besides with T so I think it makes me even more attached to any attention from her

I, too, lack other people in my life to talk to. I am totally focused on Wednesdays when I can see t. I try to think of something to text to her because I crave her attention all the time. It never lets up. I understand you and your feelings, that’s all.

[Hazelgreen]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I bet in a way emailing could be helpful. On the other hand, I am not sure to what extent. If she didn't reply, I'd go crazy, If she did, I would be unsure of whether to write back again or not... and in the end, I'd feel bad for taking up her time beyond sessions (I have severe self-worth issues).
I also wonder if it just intensify my love for her and the pain this transference brings with it. I don't know, though.

Can't you ask her straight up to answer the boundary questions you asked? Because those unanswered questions aren't helping you, and she's you T and should tell you, hey, it's alright. or, hey, here are my boundaries, and you need to accept them. Ignoring the topic isn't a great way of dealing with it. It may mean it's just not that important to her, and in this case, you just need to tell her it is to you.

It's hard being that honest (for me, at least), but every time I am honest with my T and she reacts positively and in a caring way, my heart kind of leaps.

One topic that's really hard is transference. I am worried she ... dunno, thinks I'm nuts (she says she doesn't) or gets worried I might overstep boundaries or stalk her (I don't, but how can she know?) and would not want to worry her, or even lose her.... Therapy is complicated. LOL.

I wrote some kind of essay about my issues, more for myself, but I want to give it to her.... and am not sure if I should. I write so many things I'd love her to read but worry it might be too close and too much...

I agree that therapy is a complicated relationship. I have very few, but I don’t obsess about what the other person is thinking or feeling like I do with my t.

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by Hazelgreen

I agree that therapy is a complicated relationship. I have very few, but I don’t obsess about what the other person is thinking or feeling like I do with my t.

I get that. Same here. I think it's because my relationship with my T is so much deeper, there are no distractions of daily life... all we focus on is my pain, and she comforts me. I am more open to her than to anyone else in my life. She's the only one I obsess with...
But, in a way, I am seeing more positive sides of this as I go a long, even though it does hurt....