Today did not go well, advice? thoughts?

I agree with you here.... although he claims nothing has changed, no new boundaries etc, but we will see. I don't think he is gonna be the same chummy, funny guy he was before, so that would be a change.

I'm struggling because I am so attached and I know this loss would just end me. I can't handle it so soon after my dog. I just don't know what else to do. You are right though, he seems unsure of what to do... as well as with my phobias. We discussed phobia on session 2, 9 months ago and we have made no progress other than discussing where they came from... it feels like he just does not want to help me but I'm already sucked in and can't leave. Not sure what to do

I agree with manatee. If he is underestimating you, then TELL him. You are certainly entitled to your version of your story. Thats the whole point of therapy. You explain and explore. Thats what i was trying to say in my prev post, but i feel like you got mad and didnt read past the second line of it. If he senses that "turning off", he is also going to take it the wrong way, unless you push thru, defend yourself, and give him a reason not to. Like a chick pushing out of its shell. You get the strength to live in the pushing.

E-mail seems like a good idea. Or you could print it out and bring it to session and hand it to him

I dont have a printer, and it feels like something I don't want to print using a public one or someone else's.

Anyway, I am editing over and over, nothing sounds right. Not sure I'll send it. I feel I've ruined everything, the T i knew and trusted is gone.... I'm scared to see who I'll be meeting at the next session because I don't think he will be the same. No way you can, when I've spooked you by my grossness.

It's not about you, it's about him. You're certainly not gross... But I completely understand how you feel, because I'm feeling similarly about MC right now. How I messed up, how he's changed toward me, and it can't be the same as it was (honestly, it feels like it's been different for a while now...). So, unfortunately, I get it. I hope you can talk about it on Tuesday and that it helps... and that your T will understand your point of view.

Trust me you guys - its like puking when you have food poisoning. Just let the uncomfortable stuff out and you will feel better. Just realize, its YOUR puke, not his. Hes just there to hold your hair back. Okay, really i will shut up now.

I think that is a cool way to see it

In a way, your world does end. Mine did. I'm fast approaching the one year mark since my world ended.

It is scary. Because, it hurts, and that is an understatement. I felt like I was dying, except I would never actually die - just continue in a type of pain that went beyond anything I'd experienced before.

And I needed help. That's the one thing I knew: that I could not do this alone. And, I know this isn't what you want to do -- but, I shopped around hard core for a new therapist. Saw 5, settled on one. Started attending group therapy (all women; trauma-focused) so that all my 'eggs' wouldn't be in one basket. And I continued to feel like I MUST be close to dying, because I could not possibly continue to exist in the pain I was in.

But, my world began to expand. My T had BEEN my world for 3 years. My relationship with him had been the most important thing to me. But, now, I experienced a level of care I hadn't experienced ever with him: suddenly, I had a new T and a new Group T who were both committed to helping me. Not trying to be my friend, but trying to help me. They even communicated with one another too coordinate care. At one point, they were not sure if they were required to report my exT for the boundaries that he crossed -- this was a REALLY terrifying subject for me, and I got angry. But, then, Group T said "I just didn't want to be another person who saw someone hurting you and did nothing." And I realized...holy crap. There are other people I can depend on who are not exT.

I also started to make friends. It took active trying, but I did finally find a couple - including one who is now my best friend - the kind of friend I can text any time and say "I'm not ok; can you come over?" And she can do that with me too.

All of this is to say that while your T is your whole world right now, your T is not the only one who can give you that kind of care and connection. The options are not "T or nobody," you might choose to make those your only options, but that is on you. Does it require taking a risk? Yes. Relationships are always a risk.

At a certain point, you have to decide: do you want to be miserable, or do you want to heal? Do you want to be alone, or do you want others in your life? Nobody is going to come save you. Being more miserable or in more pain will not make anyone suddenly see "omg NOW I see you are in so much pain! NOW I will help make it better!" Because that's not how it works. You have to fight tooth and nail, go against instinct, do the hard thing, and claw your way towards healing.

One of my favorite quotes:

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

Ah yeah...and my mantra throughout the last year?

"I can't go on.

I'll go on."

- Samuel Beckett

I literally want to get it tattooed onto my arm. My SI arm.

I am glad it went well for you. I'm somewhere in the middle, I want a good friend or two but I also don't like people around me very often, I like being alone with my dog in the peace and quiet. Doing our thing. The problem for me, and we have had the "friends" talk almost weekly for months and I still feel the same, is that, I don't trust people really anymore. I've had too many "Good friends" who hurt me and abandoned me, I am exhausted and can't keep doing that to myself either. My best friend is out of state, it works for me because we don't have to hang out much, and we can text when needed but its not a constant thing. However there are times, like during this drama, that I wish I had more support. Thats why I go online usually.

My family knows I go to therapy but they know nothing about him and I want to keep it that way. None of my "friends" know about it other than my bestie.

Currently I am also still processing my recent grief... and am mostly wanting to be alone.... It's hard for me to even make trips to the store, I just have no motivation most days. It's supposedly normal for grief though. Maybe in time I'll try with extreme caution to make a friend again

Well I emailed him, this was the gem of a reply LOL

"Thank you for not expecting a reply right away, but I did want to respond that things are still ok. There is still work to do. There are some things to clear up so there doesn’t need to be awkward feelings. (Awkward was the best inclusive term I could come up with.) See you Tuesday so we can talk in person."

I mean he isn't mad but it is not the least be reassuring sounding. I feel like emailing made it all worse.

I hope it goes well tomorrow, and he finds himself as a T and makes you feel comfortable and self-accepting.

I love my dogs so much too, and I lost one this year who meant more than the world to me. That is the one time my T totally didnt get it, didnt come through, and didnt care. ( he doesnt like dogs). I cried over the dog, and I think he was mainly annoyed or didnt get it which then hurt my feelings. It was one of our only "ruptures" that didnt ever get repaired. We just moved on.

I know that is completely different from the way your T let you down, but it sounds like he did relate to the loss of your dog and companioned you through that.

Touching other people is something that does become awkward once it is talked about, but then again so does something like eye contact. I read a book by a therapist who sad her male client was angry at her for the way she breathed , and she then became self-conscious and aware of her own every breath ( he would say HEY you are breathing again!). All I mean is that the minute these things that are often done by feel become verbalized, it can be awkward but awkward isnt bad-it can be charming or have both people vulnerable in a redeeming way.

Asking to be friends in the future or to practice physical touch is something mine would simply never allow . When I say that, it is a compliment to his professionalism, because I would like to be friends with him ( we are peers in many ways from age to educational level etc) ; I would be intrigued really to kiss him goodnight or see what is up with him as a romantic match too, bc I really am curious. However, as someone said before, I only have one psychologist, but I have many friends and have had many romances. From the getgo , he has stressed this isnt a social relationship. It isnt a relationship you've had before , bc it is unique and in some ways very authentic and in other ways completely artificial .

It is really different for you and your T it seems like, on both sides of the "couch". You express that touching people is a really challenging issue for you, and you want to become more comfortable with it by touching your T more and differently in the safe situation with the trusted person; meanwhile your T gives you much looser, less clear and strict boundaries than mine gives me. I dont think this should be so horrible tomorrow.

I wonder if he wanted you to feel ultra comfortable, and ended up beckoning you closer in a social sense than is typical . I definitely dont think it means he cares about you less as a client or person or that he has changed toward you. I just think he has a grown man sense that too much touching is headed down a romantic path, and that it is his responsibility to protect you, especially bc you trust him. They do all that reality testing and social norming stuff. One big thing male T's are entrusted about with female clients is not to take advantage, not to be creepy etc. It seems like he treats you special, especially, and the reason for that hasn't gone away even if he is adjusting his behavior and boundaries.

I hope this is all okay. It seems like it is good stuff, human and real. Maybe it is growing pains or an uncomfortable moment?

DP--how did it go today?

Hi all....
Was very good, was worried for nothing. We did our walk in the start and talked but there was a lot of silences so I thought, oh great... but he assured me it was ok and he just wanted to save the talk for in the room.

Well, it was fine, he apologized for the misunderstanding with assuming romance and assured me any or all feelings are ok and valid. He has not changed anything, he was still fun and silly. I am still allowed to text or call or email whenever.

He made up a treatment plan, which he has not done yet so that was nice, wants to break from what we were working on and work on my self esteem, he said DBT and CBT stuff. worksheets to come or something.

Before I left he asked if I was feeling ok about it, if anything felt off, if I had any further questions etc so it all feels the same, only I'm not wracked all these feelings I could not shake. (about the touch desire)

Oh and he did say too that he will still hug me, because it would make me feel more rejected and traumatized if he cut that off, so I still have that, we are gonna put my touch issues aside and visit them later when I can start to feel better about myself as a person.