Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear T,
Thanks for responding to my text and confirming Tuesday. This is so pathetic, but your "No worries!" in response to my "thanks" made me tear up...
Fondly,
LT

Of course now I feel stupid for calling you.

But I still want to come Wednesday, cuz it will be awhile before I'll be able to again since we're gonna have a hefty hospital bill to pay. Worth every penny though.

Hey T--I actually completed a painting for the first time in sooooo long. I probably will tell you, but it is so weird that it also feels wrong somehow that i did something that was healthy and good for me?

I feel like writing 'hello' on a paper aeroplane and throwing it into your garden. That's totally normal, right?

Now I want to go toss one into t's front yard... Lol

Yay, I knew it was normal

I wanna tell u every gross graphic detail so you'll know how disgusting I am.

Dear T,

Sometimes I find myself thinking these things that are so bafflingly unlike me, I feel you must have had a hand in them.

Today's thought? - It had never really occurred to me that I could grieve non self-destructively.

I am terribly sad, and I've cried, and it's painful. Incredibly painful. But that's all it is: emotional pain. It doesn't mean my life is ****ed, or that I have to **** up my life, or that I have to get ****ed-up.

Imagine that.

I wonder if it would strike you as sad that this should be a revelation.

-Argo

***** ***** ***** ***** I need you

Junk DNA-
You sound like where I am at exclactly right now. I want to tell him every horrible thing in hopes he still cares. I’m sure your t cares very much. You don’t have to unpack it all at once

T,
I know you said I could call you, but I think you said only when I'm "in crisis." What does that mean? I can only call you at midnight when I feel like jumping off a bridge? Every day has gotten harder and harder, but you see clients all day. How could I call you?
I feel like I'd only be calling you because I miss you, anyway.
Annie

I feel like t doesn't wanna hear details bc it distresses him

((Argo)) I'm glad that you're grieving in a way that isn't self-destructive. It's hard to see you so sad though.

I think Beavers would like to hear that revelation, and yeah, maybe he'd feel sad that it's such a novelty to you, but maybe also he'd be pleased and proud of you for not slipping into self-destruction.

Will u email me today plz

I'm missing you...dr T

Yaye thank u

V,
It's not you. It's us. It's me. We didn't work because I was never comfortable with you. What you offer isn't what I need. We aren't going to discuss this. I'm sorry. Nothing but the best to you.

,
Same thing I told V. May the odds be ever in your favor.

i am glad he wrote you back. you telling him details may be distressing, but he is a T and can handle it. if that is what you need to do to heal, please do it. he has stuck with you through everything, and this won't break him.

Dear T

I will be seeing you soon. You push me very, very hard and I have this overwhelming need to work hard and do well during sessions not just for me, but also for you. I keep thinking of that day when I will be finally free of this and I won't need therapy anymore. Even though you gently remind me that this process might take longer than I originally thought.

For the record, I thought I could deal with this and be out of therapy in three months.

I have been too anxious to even think about going over the material I need to go over. It's like if I plan and such, it will bring my anxiety to the forefront and I won't be able to take it. I am afraid I am going to not know what to say due to anxiety. This feels so much more horrific than it should be. I get how irrational it is, and yet, I am still terrified. Tomorrow at this time, it will all be over. And I hope I don't make a complete idiot out of myself.
I need help.

I miss you a lot

V,
I can't believe I've been so oblivious to what's going on in therapy. I say that I'm frustrated that we're not going anywhere. I was reading another psychotherapy resource where a client was talking about feeling stuck themselves. Why? What's blocking them? And in that moment I realized what's blocking me. I'm not accessing any emotion with you. At all. Why not? Because I'm afraid. The last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable with a therapist, I was destroyed. I'm sad and embarrassed that RoboT has messed me up as much as he has. I'm so afraid of being any more hurt than I already have been.

Dear Dr. S,

Am I growing, are you seeing change, do you still think this is working? I think things are changing for me, that I am growing. Am I? can you tell?

love,
me

Sometimes, I feel like I will burst with all the things I can't find words for during session. I hate how everything seems clearer afterwards.