Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear Dr. S,
Poke, Touch, love,
-me

Dear T,

I really wish you’d answer that email. I’m starting to realise that I’m becoming a little dependent on you. It’s a little scary/sad that I’ve only known you for a few months and yet you are the only man in my life who ever had my back. Thank you for giving me these snippets of what growing up with a healthy paternal figure would have been like. I wish that I could tell you all of this. Maybe one day I will, but at the moment I’m worried you’ll reject me.

I’m also constantly worried of coming across as ignorant/silly/strange in sessions. Kind of ironic on my part considering your profession. I have so many things that I want to open up about, but the minute I walk through your door I seem to regress to a younger, more uncertain version of myself. Maybe one day you’ll get to meet the (just about) adult version of me. Until then, please bear with me.

Thank you for seeing me.

Thank you for calling to check up on me today even though I was not being cooperative it did mean a lot. Thank you for offering to let me have my session back again tomorrow if I wanted it. I'm sorry I scared you I'm really in a bad place right now. I never thought I would be too depressed to want to go to therapy. Hopefully we can work out a relationship next week and I could begin to trust again. I do need you to answer my questions brutally honest though if you don't want to see me anymore I will understand just please be honest. Not quite sure where it all went wrong with you.

Feeling nausea still but going to work anyway . I have to cuz I called out playing hooky Tuesday and now look at me. I got ginger ale and gatorade to help me tho. Wish I had some more ginger chews

Dear all Ts, past, present, and future:

I've had an epiphany. I know that research overwhelmingly states that self disclosure can be an effective therapeutic tool, but I'm the anomaly to that. The therapeutic relationship that had the least volatility was with Bill Nye, whom I know nothing about except that he has children. Every one of the rest of you I know things about, ranging from gluten free macaroni and cheese, a piano bar that serves tapas, and a full trauma history (damn you RoboT for that).

The argument can be made that my therapy with Bill Nye was ineffective. That there was no growth or change. I was hospitalized multiple times under his care. But I never committed sui, and at the time I was so high risk.

Allow this, New T, to serve as a guide. Perhaps I'm a narcissist, but the hour needs to be about me, and me alone. If I never learned a thing about you I'd be okay.

And watch 6 months down the line I'll probably be obsessed with you. Ah well.

- Daisy

That doesn't make you a narcissist- the hour being about you is the basic minimum standard of care and attention that therapists should offer.

Someone should talk about the standard of care with the 75% of my prior therapists that haven't followed it, then.

I know I gave you hell in yesterday's session, but thank you for telling me that you accepted me as I was and you weren't giving up on me either .

Dear T,

Todays session was hard. I had so much to talk about, but that wasn't possible in todays session.
I don't know how to get through the days.

Dear No. 3,

I need you to stay out of my nightmares.

ATAT

Right!???!! Why is it the only dreams I am able to recall are the ones involving ex-t? Gahhh!! Anyway, I hope No. 3 takes a permanent hike real soon, ATAT.

Dear T,

I don't know if it was your intention, but I finally found out who I really was when I was in therapy, and that included learning my limitations.

T,
I went into work in spite of wanting to stay home. Things are better today than they were yesterday. These issues resulting from the negative work environment are negatively impacting me. And I am fighting feeling resentment at being told what to do. I don't agree with my feelings as of late. Last night, I tried to have compassion for my idiot self and was able to do so. I noticed a time when the massive whatever it was lifted. It's like an ego state that won't go away. Until it does. This situation has been difficult. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate the sustained negativity. The things that my boss is doing are unbelievable. He's losing it.

I miss you. 2 weeks is too long.

Hi, Bubbles,

I don't trust you at all, but I like you, and so I imagine that the trust will build over time. I hope you mean it when you say that you won't abandon me, because if you did I don't know how I would cope. It's not even you that triggers it, but the institution, I guess. "Oh look, yet another therapist that wants to or actually does abandon me." I would never go back. Never.

Yet I'm heartened because I like you, and I feel that we'll be able to develop a rapport. That feeling with you that it's possible with someone other than RoboT is nice. Because I hadn't developed that rapport with anyone before him, and with V and the other lady I saw twice, it didn't feel obtainable. And so I guess it's possible to like your therapist and them not be a d-bag who over-discloses and drives their patients to hurt themselves.

I hope you don't ask me more questions about The Thing I Do. That's something I've never shared with family, friends, or my husband. It felt invasive and unsafe to discuss, especially since you're a stranger. I hope you got the hint that it was your questions about The Thing I Do that caused me to flip the pillow. I don't think it's relevant to my therapeutic care, so just...don't?

I'll see you in 5 days.

-Daisy

PS: for the love of God buy some new socks.

Thanks for texting with me, it was a good mood lifter going into the weekend. I dread the day you cut off texting....

I know you have gone away for training in ifs but you are flying 1900km away and i know we have the best aviationsafety record inthe world but what if something happens. Also hope you took your thermals....now I am thinking of you in thermals :faint:

Why r u always wearing flip flops in the winter rain

I don't know how I feel about you but it isn't good. And I know it's not your fault. But I don't feel like seeing you and I want you to worry about me. I know that's not helpful but there it is.

Dear T,

You really know a lot now, you checked on me now you know what I need to talk about. The weekend is still too long...

Dear T,

I'm not sure I can keep that promise I made not to kill myself.

JL, stay safe. Hope you are okay.

Today was a bad day, T. I didn't get out of bed until around 7pm. I was too depressed.

I'm not contacting you
Have you noticed! Have you noticed!