Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear t,

I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that I’m not heterosexual. I think this is partly because ex-t was kind of religious and didn’t seem to like gay people too much.

-Butterfly

Hey. I'm looking forward to seeing you, too. Duh. Haha. -me

I only made it to Monday to contact you. Why does talking about trauma leave me tired with all over muscle aches?

Miss you

I made myself laugh realising that I've left you with an imaginary cat and wondering if it's helping with the mouse problem. So that was nice.

I like that you don't tell me how to feel. Today was hard, but I feel less wary of you after getting it all out. Usually this kind of thing makes the relationship stronger in the end, but getting there is going to take me a while this time. And I know that you understand and are okay with that.

I'm getting sick, and my stomach really hurts, but I don't want to miss my session today. Can you just make me feel better? k

hi t,

i've been feeling sad and scared all week. it feels like i am losing my parents, losing any hope of getting what i need from them. i had this rush of fear and sadness the other night. i don't know what brought it on but i felt like crying and i wanted you or them to fix it and make it better.

not sure if this is related to the above, but i've also been feeling more of this longing to connect with you. it had gone away for a while. and because of that, i hadn't been soothing myself to sleep by imagining you speaking softly to me or stroking my hair. but now that the depression's changed character and it isn't barraging me in the night, i feel better in many ways... but i also feel utterly adrift. nothing seems to matter. i do not know who or what i am or why anything matters. it is very disorienting. i want to feel grounded, firmly rooted. (though i do not want to be grounded in the depression again--that was very unpleasant.) maybe i'm trying to cling to that old longing as a type of grounding? i don't know if that's good or bad. the longing hurts because you can't fulfill it. but separation isn't right either because theoretically, we ought to feel connected to one another for this therapy thing to work (per yalom, at least, to whom you subscribe on this point).

and maybe it's because of this renewed desire for you to hold me (or maybe it's about the separating from the parents thing) but i have this urge to apologize profusely for doubting the efficacy of therapy. i want to sweep into your office, quivering and crying, apologize profusely for doubting you/your profession/your methods and say i'll never do it again if only you'll keep trying to help me. i wonder if that's meant for my mother instead of you?

in addition to all of this, i also feel physically ill. it feels almost like a hangover (horrific queasy headache, zero desire to eat, general sensation of crappiness) but i haven't had any alcohol in weeks so that can't be it. also hangovers don't give you chills and fever. if i felt any sicker i'd start to think about meningitis and drag my sorry behind into the ED for some azithromycin and an lp but it doesn't feel actually serious yet. just icky.

maybe i should ask for the rest of the week off. this is the one week this whole year when my presence isn't actually necessary so nobody would have to fill in for me if i were home. i'll talk with the chief residents; maybe they'll be understanding.

anyway. i see you in a little less than an hour. please help me. i feel so small and sad and helpless. (i'd call it pathetic but i suppose that isn't nice.) (i wonder if the only way i know how to get any caring is by presenting as small and sad and helpless.)

-c

Hope you feel better soon, TMC, and can get through the session OK.

I hope your session goes well.

TMC and Chihiro, I hope you both have good, comforting sessions and feel better soon.

The observation went horrible. He looked at his watch because I was moving so slow. I handled it better than I used to, though. I somehow fought my self hatred, which usually feels protective oddly. I even didn't go and ask for reassurance, like, hey, how did the observation go? It is likely that it will happen again soon. I can't control when I am unable to process anything due to anxiety. I really don't want to care. I'm tired of having this affliction, it really negatively impacts my life.

I never said you were a s h i t therapist. Those were your words.

15.5 hours to go...not that I'm counting. I'm planning on sleeping for at least eight or so....7.5 hours to go.

The body keeps the score

Thanks van der Kolk

You don't like?

Another book abt it

Dunno why you're eye rolling me??

I was just trying to be silly. Internet sarcasm doesn't always do well.

Oh. The emoji made me think you were mad

But I'm a paranoid mess so it prob just me.

Sorry love, not mad at all

On topic:
Dear RoboT,

You're lucky I can't be bothered to add something else to my plate right now. I had the brilliant idea this morning to file a formal complaint.

RoboT,

When I tell you not to respond - I mean it. Even if you are trying to be kind - it is awful. Stop it.

This book you gave me to read to help my depression is making me 10 times more depressed.

You said to come next time with one thing I haven’t been able to tell you yet. I told you three last time isn’t that enough?