Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Do you want to talk for a bit?

I'm sorry your in so much pain. Are you safe?

Thank you Lemoncake. I’m safe at the moment just feeling very very unstable. Talking would actually be wonderful

Can't believe we talked about bangin trannies and dildos today.

[In reference to it's always sunny in philedelphia]

Dear T

Today is extremely difficult. I barely got out of bed and I keep having flashbacks. I keep feeling like I am in danger, which is annoying because it's not a logical thought.

I wish I could get over my fear of reaching out to you. But I'm trying. I keep typing, erasing, and retyping what I would e-mail you. I keep editing, trying to minimize the intensity of this horrible feeling because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. But that shouldn't be the point of this, is it? That's not going to help. So to the drafts folder it goes for now.

I'm going to go and curl up into a ball and cry now. Hopefully I come to my senses and just press send later.

If he said you can do it, I think you should believe him. Maybe try it just an experiment to see if it helps. You could even say, "I want to reach out but I can't convince myself it's okay. I just want to know you're still there." Or something like that. My T has always responded well to those kinds of things.

Yes, I think this is a good idea. I've literally texted MC just to basically say, "You're still there, right?" and he responded that he was. Or like last night, when I was upset after session, where I e-mailed my T to confirm that he does care (to which he responded very kindly).

I often open with something like, "I'm really struggling right now, and..." But I think what EM said is really good, where you acknowledge that you want to reach out but are afraid to.

Thank you for the suggestion. I will try that. I probably just need to start and it will get easier later.

Thank you. Yeah, I read your T’s response to your email again and I’m trying to imagine that if I got that response, I would feel better and it will make it easier to go through the rest of the week. Just need to remind myself that I can only get a response if I reach out first.

Thanks for giving me a second session instead of text this week, I think we both need to deal with this in person

Be careful with that . I think it led to my T changing text boundaries. But I did go ham with it lol

Thank you for bearing with me through that ridiculously frustrating multi-day exchange. Tomorrow, I need to hear that your feelings haven't changed...and that we're ok...

For me, with ex-T, it was ridiculously long e-mails. Marriage counselor seemed to be fine with any amount of contact—until I sent an e-mail with “I love you so much” that he misread as romantic live (even though I’d said that to him before) and apparently freaked out. So it can be hard to say what a T’s limit will be...until you hit it.

Current T has said he would be very up front with me if things are at all headed in a direction that would bother him—he said he wouldn’t wait till it reached a breaking point, that he’s the same way in his personal relationships—I really hope that’s true (he knows my history with MC, so he should be prepared...and he has better boundaries like charging for longer emails, only using text for scheduling. Still a bit worried though...(

Thank you I feel like the test went ok. My only goal is to pass. The test is in my second language which I am not fluent in so it was difficult. Hopefully I will know my grade soon

T,
Yesterday my friend (who I just met last week) asked me if I was open about MH, and I said yes, and she asked me questions about EVERYTHING. And I answered! I just spilled everything out. Things that my best friends don't even know about me. Is this because I haven't been to therapy in two months? I need some sort of release! I totally regret telling this girl so much. I feel so awkward now, she knows way too much about me.
I don't know what to do. I journal every night but it's not enough.
Miss you.
Annie

Heeeey t! Thanks for a great session this evening. It wasn't deep or anything (and you know how much I love when they are) but of course, it didn't need to be. I wanted mostly to share stuff with you - the weight loss and how it came about, more details of what happened with h last week, about how my marriage feels back on solid ground again.... so me sharing all of that, then working with the 2 dreams, was perfect. Exactly what I needed.

I can see how I am separating myself from you. Slowly. But it's happening. We even talked about that a little bit, now that I remember. You said something about individuating myself from you or something like that. Anyway I'd thought at first that I wouldn't ask for a hug today, but at the last second after you opened the door, I turned to you and asked and of course you obliged. I appreciate that.

Now to start paying off the hospital bills once they start rolling in.... ugh. But I'm grateful to have my h back so it is worth it all.

I think this is why there is a need for a period of termination/transition when people have certain types of connections/attachments in this process. I think there needs to be that period of time of individuating, finding the loving separation as someone explained it to me once. I think of this as the "going away to college" years.

I think my brain exploded from all of the neural activity that bombarded me. This was intense. I was thinking in the midst of it all that I needed to see if I could get an extra appointment. I hate to say this, but I am so overwhelmed that I don't think an extra appointment at this point in time would be wise. I feel like my brain needs to rest and return back to homeostasis. I wrote a lot down, so I will remember. I need to sleep, my brain is protesting. I don't want to go to sleep but I need to go to sleep.

I know you don't believe me, you think it's just a psychosis or whatever.
I'm sorry. Capt is gone. You don't have to deal with me. I want to be gone too. I don't know what to do
Eta: thank you for a handshake

Thanks Elio! That's kinda how it feels, actually! I like that analogy.

'If you need to email in between...go for it.'

Thank you. Today's been rough, yet another manifestation of how damn disconnected I've become from my own body. I'm hoping you know me well enough by now to figure the metaphor. Will make for an interesting conversation on Tuesday otherwise.

What's going on T? Is pretending you don't exist really the answer here?

Dear T,

I thought I was ok.....I think I was lying to myself. Struggling to keep going this evening. I feel like giving up and I don't know what to do. I might be a waste of space. I think I am just going to sleep until my next appointment.

Nervous as heck to see you tomorrow after our rupture, I really hope things can be worked out. I realize you don't actually care about me like I do you, and I am replaceable but none the less, I have not wasted all these months with you to finish stuff with someone else.

I remember you saying your feelings hadn't changed and that we were ok, but I can't remember if your face said the same thing... it feels like we're not ok...

Heya t. Thinking back on my session last evening, and recalling the overall feeling - warmth and connection. It was very nice. No real work got done, but that's okay. It's best that way, since I can't come back for awhile (til we get h's hospital bills paid off.) It was enough, the warmth and connection, and sharing with you those things I shared. And the dream work. There wasn't too much of that, but enough to get me started off in the right direction I think on the one that was about you. I think it was telling me that the body of work we've already done, mostly about my past, that part is done, and now as I move forward a very different person than when we first started, we need to "look at" (the video screen where we could see each other but not hear each other) our relationship as it is now, at how it has changed over time, as I individuate myself from you, and figure out together where this work is going to go next. Because it isn't over. Much as I tried to make it be over, it just ain't.

Here's to us. To me. To you. Cheers.

See you in a few months, hopefully before my birthday.