Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I am so irritated whenever I think of your time I get upset. I just want a different medication but you never seem to even care. I am not looking forward to seeing you later this week at all I told you over and over Paxil doesn't work for me but you never listen and the more I think about you the more stressed I get which isn't good for my health or my sanity. I want to quit so badly but naturally I need certain other medications that help me besides paxil. I am just annoyed. Why won't you listen? I get it we tried some medications and I said they didn't work bad reactions etc but if only you could look past that but you want to keep looking at the now. I just don't know what to do the medication isn't working constant treating me lik a little kid is annoying remember lady I am a adult too!

I miss you terribly, and I’m so ashamed of it.

I'm not going to bother you on a Sunday. I'm not going to bother you on a Sunday. I'm not going to bother you on a Sunday.

Dear T,
I did what I you asked me to but now I don't want to talk about it. Not at all. I know what I need to say sounds crazy and irrational but it makes complete sense to me, I just don't know how to explain it to you.... I guess I have 3 days to figure it out.

I miss you, jealous of all the people who get to hang with you, they are so lucky.

What a day, and not in a good day... one thing after another! Really felt like I've been tested today but have tried to put into practice all the coping strategies I've learnt over the last few months...

Tomorrow a new day!

I know it sounds stupid, but I found out that my exam is 2 days earlier than I thought it was.This has triggered awful panic attacks and all my child parts want is you. Can I send you a email just saying "hi"? Tuesday is an awfully long time away and I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. I only matter if I do well.

SH

T,
I am so over myself. I only have meds. until Wed. I had an appt. with my Psychiatrist but it was on Wed., the day I see you. I told the person when I scheduled that I couldn't do Wed., I KNOW I told her this, but she scheduled me that anyway. So, I missed that appt. about four weeks ago. It makes me so stressed because then it is a major pain to try to get another appt. and/or to try to get her to call scripts in. She always blames me, and sometimes it is my fault, but sometimes it isn't. However, I also did this with my regular Doc. and now I have to miss some work on Tues. to get my blood taken, and then I have to leave work early the next week. I don't know if my Pdoc will be able to get me in at all, and I just can't take this stress anymore. So, I don't have anymore of my antidepressants, don't have my stimulant, am running out of my seroquel, and so on. Regarding my regular Doc, I don't have my cholesterol meds., and so on. I feel like I have created a huge mess, and on top of that, I missed my Dentist appt. Work is getting majorly dark as the boss is losing it. I might be next. I need you to help me figure out how to stop doing this, it is like it is self-sabotage; or it is just me avoiding anxiety. H just gets frustrated at me for doing this. I feel so alone. I own my own idiocy.

Dear pdoc,

Firstly, disagreeing with you does not mean that I'm angry with you.You can come off as awfully self-assured, and that makes me wonder if you really know what the bloody hell you're talking about.

But sometimes I *am* angry at you. And it's possible that when you felt "slapped you in the face" by me, I was feeling angry at the time. (See, I'm being open-minded and considering the other person's point of view so that I don't get hamstrung by my own assumptions--might wanna take some notes.) Here's a hypothesis of how that anger could have occurred:

You asked if I felt held in therapy with you. Of f***king COURSE I don't feel held by you, a**wipe! Do you remember how this therapy started? You agreed to take me on because the head of the psych department asked you to, You seemed resentful. But you went from zero to one hundred, doing this intense Bessel-inspired stuff from the moment my behind hit the chair. And the second (maybe third?) time we met, we were talking about the gaping maw in the center of my soul (aka the MDD), and you were trying to explain how therapy might be able to fill that hole. And we were talking about how I have this deep ancient longing to be held, and I said something like, "it's not like you can pick me up and hold me." And you (you stupid irresponsible IMBECILE) looked me right in the eye and said, "actually, I can."

And then, you bastard, you had me. Maybe you were talking about holding in the metaphorical Winnicottian sense, but I wasn't. (Hence the "pick me up" part.) You have been at this shrink-thing for at least fifteen years. Surely you know better than to offer such a thing within the first two hours of meeting a patient? (Surely the look in my eyes suggested that you tread carefully?)

But it was the subsequent session when you really torched the thing. You told me that you thought it would be better if we brought in your colleague. You wanted me to see her twice a week, and to see you twice a month. Your explain was pathetic--"after talking with your former providers, I thought it'd be better with two instead of one." (Perhaps you recognized that you'd made a mistake, crossed a line?)

You couldn't have known that I spent most of medical school in a sorta f****d up mentor-student relationship with a very smart and very intense psychiatrist maybe 5 years younger than you. It wasn't sexual, but it was fraught. He professed depth and sensitivity and dedication to his students ("my students are like family; I would lie down in traffic for them"). But the second I actually needed him, he became unreachable. (I was NOT being inappropriate or creepy. I'll tell you the whole story someday if you manage not to piss me off so much that I ask for a new shrink... but for now, you'll just have to take my word for it.)

So you couldn't have known that you were following so closely in such unfortunate footsteps. But you did know that I had strong feelings about touch because I TOLD YOU AS MUCH. And you should have known to be more cautious with a patient you'd just met.

So if I was angry soon after you asking me if I felt held... that could have been why.

F*** you.
c

C,
thanks for responding yesterday... I really want to email again... I just want you. I want you.

So we don't email. You haven't expressly said that I couldn't, but you said very early on that we could have a "discussion" about it.
So anyway, I emailed. In it I said "You don't need to reply."
I am an idiot. I guess I actually did want you to reply. Judging by the urge to check my inbox to see if you have.
I guess this is why we don't email, why I haven't pushed for it.
In my defense I think it was appropriate to email in this instance.
I just wish I hadn't told you not to answer.
If I ever email you again I will be certain to not say that.

Dear T,
I kinda miss you a little. Not in a needy, dependent way, just in a...I want to talk to you for a bit way. Like, "Hey, I did good with this. Not so good with this other thing...OK, I totally failed at that, but I'm going to keep trying." But I guess I'll see you Tuesday, right? Then Friday? I feel so much less pressure on Tuesday knowing I'll see you later in the week...but then you're off for a week and that maybe scares me a bit...though, last time you were away for the weekend, you said you could have responded to an e-mail if I was in crisis. I feel weird asking you about that though, like if that's a sort of standing offer, even if you're out of town. But...I guess it might be good to ask you about.
LT

I have sent emails saying just hi. specifically...

Dear Dr. S,
Hi, just Hi.
-me

I've also sent the are you there emails. So, if it is allowed and it will help keep you safer than SH, then email, go for it. If it will just add more anxiety waiting for a reply, then maybe some other item would be safer.

C,

Thank you thank you thank you..thank you
for being there, responding, and especially for telling me you're not going away for 2 weeks in March after all! ...omg... thank you

+1 for this.
I have sent emails just to say "I miss you" or "I feel small" or "hi" or "home base check," which is what all of these really are to me.

Sometimes, I think he probably prefers those emails. They don't require so much thinking.

T,
it's like one giant brave leap forward and then a few scared little steps back again. and that's okay.

things are being said. the buried stuff. not the slightly smaller, neater, smoother things put away in the file boxes in the cupboards. this is the messy, dirty stuff. the bigger pebbles buried in the rubble pile out back. the stuff i couldn't bear to let into the music room, not even in the file boxes in the cupboards. this is the stuff that had to stay outside even at the safe place.

slowly, those pebbles are being brought to light. i'm putting words to things i never thought i would talk about. and i'm saying those words out loud. and it hasn't killed me. it hurts at times, though. it hurts a whole lot. but i'm still here. and so are you.

like you said last session, "we're doing this!".

yes. yes, we are.

Thanks for answering, T.
I won't make a habit of it.

Are you finally starting to realise that I'm too much?

I sent you a funny video at midnight not expecting an answer until at least tomorrow. What does it mean that you answered right away?

I feel guilty for bothering and annoying you for more than 2 years. I wish I could quit, but I can't. I'm sorry.

I wonder this often, especially as it feels like T has gradually cut way back on expressions of care, and is telling me about how I hurt her, annoy her, frustrate her.

Not sure if it was wise to text T: "You're probably realising I'm getting too much. You've gradually (so it feels!) cut way back on saying that you care, that I matter as you increasingly start telling me your negative reactions towards me.

You're like everyone else who has gotten to know me. You realise I'm awful and that I'm trash. You realise I'm disgusting. You just don't walk away because of your ethics as my therapist. You're running on your commitment to our work together even though you'll be glad to ditch me. You're telling me I'm hurtful, I'm frustrating, I'm annoying more because you know I'm stupidly attached to you and because I'm difficult and bad and you're trying to tolerate me. You care less, I matter less."

S,

Someone tries to rob me, and your only response is to make a joke about it 2 days after I text to tell you. Remember that whole "I'll just have to prove it [how much I supposedly mean to you] to you" thing? Yeah. You've succeeded in proving how very little I mean to you.

Have a nice life.

TMC

Actually, get robbed.
I'd find it hilarious.

I can't keep doing this anymore. All of this hurts too much.

Wait, what did he text you that seemed like a joke? Is there any chance you could have misunderstood it? (feel free to PM me if you'd rather not post it)

It just seems like he's been really caring and supportive of you, so I find it hard to believe he'd joke about something that had upset you so much. If he did, I'm so sorry...I hope you'll at least try to talk to him about it to let him know how much it hurt you.

Edited to add: Oh, you were writing that to S, not C. Sorry for the confusion. And still hugs...