Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

i think maybe tonight didn't happen. maybe it only happened in my head. imagined.
i feel invisible. unreal. out of place.

did i speak
if nobody heard
if nobody glanced
if no one saw
did i speak at all?

do i exist
if nobody sees
if nobody else
exists here beside
am i alive?

do i feel
if nobody cares
if nobody shares
if nobody knows
am i a ghost?

---

S
do you remember me
at all
why did i lose you?
how did i lose you?
how did i become such nothing?
a year ago, i loved you and thought you loved me.
a year ago, i had you and thought you had me.
a year ago, i could reach for you. right now. in the invisibleness. in the nothingness.
a year ago, i existed because you saw me.
and now i'm faded
blurred at the edges
undefined, degraded over time
i'm old. i'm worn. i've lost my luster.
i was only a human after all. only a person. only a face, a name, a heart, a body, a brain.
only flesh and blood. only real if you chose to see me as such.
and now i am a photograph
in a book
like a bookmark set at a chapter that will never turn, never begin, and never end
i mark the middle of
a story started and abandoned.

---

I talked about it today. Things I never told you. Things I wish so badly I could run to you with right now. I want to call you and say "I found them - the memories. The things we knew were there. Do you care?"
Do you care?

Dear Dr S,

Now after all this, you better not forget Thursday. And I really wished I would have had you pull a piece from the puzzle too. That piece could have stayed in the room. Dang it. Dang it.

And I forgot to ask you if you would email me when you got back to town. :/ I know why I forgot though..

-me

Thank you for acknowledging my email and telling me you were looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. It eased some of my anxiety. I really hope we can resolve things but if not, I am prepared for the consequences. Tomorrow's session is the deciding factor.

BTW, I have never felt as SUI as I have over this past week. This cancer is pushing me to new lows. Please be brutally honest and patient with me tomorrow.

I AM NOT OTHER PEOPLE! I dont really care what other clients do and say is there a reason you are telling me this stuff?

S,

I give zero s***s about your stupid funny article.
Something is wrong with you.

Dear T,

I see you tomorrow and I can honestly say that I am somewhat dreading it. There are some parts of me that don't want to be messed with, they don't want to talk, and they don't want to change. Tapping into those feelings is hard and painful. Please don't make me do it......

I hope tomorrow goes well. I have some parts work to show u

I'm drowning. Please help. Let me go. No, don't.
I'm confused. I'm sad.

You're great, please take care

this is fine.

I showed my t that comic where a dog is sitting In a room on fire and he saying "this is fine"

My t didn't get it. It upset me haha I thought he would

Anyway... hugs

Definitely where I took this from.
The comic hangs in my cubicle here at work. For good reason.
Hugs back

I'm feeling scared about tomorrow.

But thank you for today. The valentine's day jokes were priceless- I love you.

i don't know how to be a mom tonight
and i left work early
and i don't even see you til friday
i just want to go to sleep and stay asleep until i see you then sleep again until i see you again
i can't be an adult right now

Dear t
I miss you so much
I neeeeeeed to see you
You had never canceled our session like this before
I wish every thing is right with you
I'm worried

I kinda miss you, y'know. Us. I miss "us".

T,
UPDATE on my appointment scheduling catastrophe. I thought my appointment with my dentist was last week and I missed it. Instead, it was this Thursday. However, now I have a make-up appt. with my GP on Thursday to get all my meds., so I had to now call and cancel. But I did at least call, which is something I hate doing.

I made it to my GP this morning to get my blood taken. I was in what I call "inner hysterics" which is when I freak out but don't show it - because I kept reminding myself not to eat/drink and I got to work and absentmindedly ate a Starburst that I had in my room. I was SOOO angry at myself thinking that now they wouldn't take my blood because I ate a starburst, and I wouldn't be able to have my Thursday appt., and I wouldn't get my GP meds.

I ended up telling the person taking my blood the truth (I contemplated lying), and it ended up not being a big deal. I'm kind of finding this a bit humorous at this point TBH. I really catastrophized with precision. It was like a comedy of errors. So, I had my blood taken. One thing done.

My new dentist appt. is in March. She asked me, can i ask why you are cancelling (I always cancel due dental anxiety). However, I lied and said something came up at work. I just couldn't go through the real answer (that I had another Dr.s appt. due to cancelling).

I called my Pdoc just now, and the person on the line said she was trying to figure out what needed to be done with my chart. I told her I had called the other day. She asked me what meds. I needed. I told her. I couldn't remember the name of one of my meds- now I know it was abilify. Abilify's medical name, I think is written in Swahili or something. She said she is going to call my pharmacy this afternoon. Whether that will happen or not, I don't know.
I feel like I pushed through all of my anxiety and maybe? solved the problem.

It's kind of a relief, or it will be if my meds. do get called in. We shall see.

Now I need to figure out whether to still see Pdoc or to go with my GP. Or to find another Pdoc.

I kept to myself today and it was a much better day. I need to continue to do this to recoup my strength from the work negativity. Getting my meds. will hopefully help.

T,
Now I have to wait for the Pdoc to fill out a prior authorization and fax it in, then I have to wait for authorization. I feel like going off all of my meds. and just withering away.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I feel like these last couple sessions...it's like you've looked different to me. Maybe because I really understand and accept that you care now and are OK working with the attachment? Like I've internalized it and can see it in your eyes, or something cheesy like that?
LT

Dear T,

I am so sorry for losing it today. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS. Can you please take away my emailing privileges already? Ugh. I'm such a freaking moron.... now please excuse me while I crawl in a hole and hide.

Dear Dr. S,
I hope your travels were good and you arrived wherever safely. You are somewhere far away. I wish I knew what was the right thing to do here.

Learn lots, have fun, and all that jazz.
Love,
me

If it makes you feel any better, the last thing we discussed in session last night left me feeling really vulnerable, and I really dislike feeling that way...and my natural reaction is to hide, but I couldn't really do that because I needed to put my jacket on, hand her the check and leave. So being the awesome adult that I am, I stood with my back to her while I put on my jacket, put my hood up, threw the check on the table (usually I hand it to her), and booked it out of there.

((V))

Haven’t you learned from SD? One tosses the money on the table, one does not throw it.

FM,

Utterly shocked that I called to leave a message and you answered your work phone. Thanks for confirming what I already knew. You were right the video was very funny. Likewise, it's always nice to chat with you.

Man, I love that comic. Sorry your T didn't get it, I think it's a pretty accurate description of how many of us feel

T,
Everything is resurfacing. I thought this trip was supposed to make me feel better. But I feel worse, AND I feel guilty for feeling worse, because I'm supposed to be enjoying this and having fun. It's supposed to be my trip of a lifetime, something I'll never have the chance to do again. I'm so lucky to be here but instead I'm wasting it.
Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to go so long without mental health support? I can't do this on my own. I need you, and I miss you like hell.
Annie