In Session Today: Part IV

Ok then:

"We can work on your fear of death. But first we must work on your fear of life."

Feel free to comment if you feel like it

In email, second T told me that I am very dear to her. I know once I pick a new T to work with I won't be able to talk to this T anymore and that makes me very sad. But I was comforted that my feeling that she cares about me was validated. I just wish I didn't have to lose her. I wish she hadn't gotten sick. I wish I had integrated more of what she said to me into me so I could always have it with me. I would try but some things wouldn't stick. I want to be able to continue to email her once in a while even after I pick a new T. Not all the time, just once in a while. She hasn't said no, but she hasn't said yes. She said we will figure it out together whatever that means. I know she doesn't love me the same way I love her (which is not a romantic way) she might not even love me but I know that she cares about me. I was able to tell her that I love her and she took that in. I wish I had something tangible of hers that I could hang onto forever. I wish I didn't have to lose her.

I wish the ex-T rules were clearer. And more generous, of course.

Me too!!!!

I assume with Madame T that if I want to get any sense out of her (!) I have to make an appointment and see her in person (and pay her).

But that at least does seem to be allowed.

First session of the week today. We covered a lot of stuff and I am exhausted. I’m not even sure how to survive another session during the week. There was definitely some resistance from me today.

Me: I’m trying my best.

T: I know you are and I can see that you are working hard.

Me: So why am I still here?

T: Is that a direct question for me?

Me: *sighs* Sure, why not?

T: There’s no doubt you do the work, but, it’s proceeding slower than you would like it to because: First, There are a lot of things to unpack. Trauma is an extremely complex matter. Second, you find it difficult to talk about yourself. For every piece of your life that you reveal, you also throw in five others about something else, because you want to keep the focus off you.

Me: *silent*

T: Does that second part seem accurate to you?

Me: *very quietly* I don’t know.

T: *gently* Em, do you think you could look at me? It’s okay if you can’t, but I’d like you to try.

Me: *looks up slowly*

T: I want to tell you something very important. I know that even though we’ve started talking about it, these are parts of your life you’d rather not discuss. You would much prefer to ignore them. But I am not going to ignore them. I am here specifically to focus on them. So I will always try to steer us in that direction. I will keep asking the difficult questions. You, of course, always have a choice whether you want to answer or not. But I want you to know that when you are ready, I will listen. I will be here. Whatever needs to be said, say them here.

Me: I feel like I’ve been running in a dark, endless hallway for years

T: Maybe it’s time to rest, recharge and let me help you handle things for a while. How does that sound?

Me: Sounds like a very simple solution.

T: It isn’t, but we’ll get there.

I get the impression she would be delighted to see you.

Patient: I feel like I’ve been running in a dark, endless hallway for years.

Therapist: There are doors off that hallway.

Patient: I can't see them.

Therapist: That's because you're running and not looking. Slow down and let's see.

I'm sure she would. But she'll never tell me so unless I go!

We talk about The Hallway so much in session that if someone were to overhear our conversation, they would probably think we were talking about the newest horror/thriller series on Netflix...which actually isn’t far from the truth! It’s just that it’s playing in my head and not on any other streaming platform

'Not on any other streaming platform'...I can relate, EH.

*hugs*

In my own experience of therapy, avoiding topics has never been useful to me. Oftentimes I've needed to "talk about talking about it" because of the various odd ways I collect evidence or how I see things.

I think one can find new reasons to stay alive other than fear. Finding joy or peace is not a bad goal for therapy. Although I do apologize as a 'Merican for our triggering the entire world with numerous positions and activities that objectively have made the world a worse place for all. The current state of jack@ssness has been a topic of my therapy from the beginning.

The way it has affected me, as a trauma survivor, is that I'm also more afraid of dying. I think many trauma survivors, especially of s@xual trauma, believe they were going to die during the course of it, particularly if it was prolonged or chronic. And when lots of media attention is on certain politicians who act like gaslighting, insulting, I-can-do-whatever-I-want dangerous fools, it's sort of like seeing your abuser(s) on TV every day. My T says that many of his female trauma survivors feel exactly like I do.

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He was wearing jeans--maybe only the second time I've seen him in them? Just argyle socks though (but in pastel colors).

I said I'd been tempted to reply to his email saying he gave me the two sessions next week (when he'd be out 2 days) by saying I hoped I wasn't taking time away from other clients. But then I realized that he wouldn't offer me the time if it wasn't OK. T: "That's correct." Me: "I even told someone something similar on PC yesterday, where their T was on vacation and had offered them phone call, and they felt they shouldn't bother the T. And I was like, 'well, he wouldn't have offered it if it wasn't OK.' So it's like you're giving advice on forums, too!" T kinda laughed and said that was good.

I said I also wasn't sure if I really needed both sessions, but I knew that was about me, not whether T thought it was OK. And that it was probably about past stuff, like childhood, ex-MC, etc., not even about T at all. T said those were good thoughts, that they showed progress. I said I thought so, too.

I said H had worked from home the day before and was driving me kind of crazy with constant updates about his day while I was trying to work. T said it's good he's being open with me, and I was like, "But some were really long stories! And I was dealing with my own work-related drama at the time." (I filled him in briefly on that and was pleasantly surprised he remembered the issue I was talking about from last session.)

T: "I don't know how someone could deal with working from home all the time." I raised my hand, and he was like, "Right!" I said sometimes I think I need to get an outside job. He asked why, and I said how I missed the interacting with people. He said he misses the collaboration sometimes, too (he's in private practice, just him). I said also just talking about random things, like something that happened on my commute or something about my kid. T: "Well, you get to share that with me!" Me: "True, and you get to hear it from me, so that's something!"

I said I feel I don't have much to share about my work with H (I do freelance). T: "Yeah, a lot of stories are about the interaction with people." Me: "Hm, do you really talk with your wife about your work? I mean, I assume anonymously, but I'm just curious. Because ex-MC told a few times that he shared something funny I'd said with his family." T: "I don't really tell her much. Lots of things would be really boring if you don't know the person. And some stuff I wouldn't want to talk about."
The types of stories ex-MC would tell came up, I mentioned where I accidentally called him a moron. T: "How could you accidentally call him a moron?" Me: "He'd given me advice on a college basketball bracket that I ended up winning." T: "Look at you!" Me: "Yeah, and it was a big pool, lots of H's coworkers." T: "Well that's one you could brag about for a long time!" Me: "Yeah. But ex-MC had given me one piece of advice that led me to winning on one of two brackets. I think he was annoyed, since he'd done poorly, and threw a pillow at me or something. And I was like, 'But it's the one you helped me more on!' Ex-MC looked at H and was like, 'Did she just call me a moron?' Was end of session, he walked out with us and said to receptionist, 'Do you think I'm a moron?' (I forgot what she said.) I was about to leave, he told me to wait, then turned to I assume his next client and said, 'Do you think I'm a moron?' Client was like 'uh, no?' Then ex-MC said I could go--I of course was really embarrassed. And that's sort of what our relationship was like, where he'd do things like that."

T: "That sounds kind of like something he'd do." Me: "I guess it's kind of borderline inappropriate, especially involving the other client." T: "It's a thing where he'd likely known you for a long time, knew how you'd probably react to it. And maybe where he sort of forgot for a moment that you were a client, since he'd known you so long." Me: "Yeah." T then said something he'd shared once before: "Once you've known a client for a certain amount of time, there can be a comfort level there where you're maybe more relaxed than you should be and you can have lapses where you forget they're a client for a bit and might interact with them more as a friend. So it's something I try to be mindful of." (Pretty sure that's happened with him and me before.)

I brought up how ex-MC had said before that likes all his clients exactly the same, and I thought it was BS. T: "Yeah, I definitely have clients who I like working with more than others. There are some who you just click with more. And those who seem really engaged. Or where I appreciate their sense of humor." (Of course, I was tempted to ask, "Am I one of them?" but I felt really silly saying, essentially, "Do you like me?" But when I thought about it, his descriptors of "clients I like more" seem to fit me--we seem to click, I'm certainly engaged in the process, and I can make him laugh. Plus I seriously doubt he'd have shared that stuff with me about liking some clients more than others if I was on the "doesn't really like" list.)

He said also that he can find something to appreciate and like about all of his clients. Then he gave an example of one. He prefaced it by saying to himself, "Is this OK to share? I think so." And talked about a client who has very different political views than he or I do (I've shared my views many times before T shared his, incidentally) and is really involved in politics. T shared some of the things he'd done as examples of his involvement, and that made me a little uncomfortable because it made me feel he could be potentially identifiable if I tried. And I guess...I also wonder if T talks to other clients about me, and what he might say? I didn't mention it at the time, but think I may bring it up Monday. (Ex-T and ex-MC didn't really mention other clients, and this T has multiple times, so it's not something I'm used to. He did it really anonymously before--like "clients who are musicians"--but this was more specific.)

We got back to ex-MC topic. I said I feel like I need to talk more about him. Me: "I mean, the main times I start crying in session are when I talk about him, so that suggests that I need to address it more." T: "I agree." Me: "I keep worrying...I know this is likely me projecting...but are you thinking, 'Oh for ****'s sake, she's talking about ex-MC again.'" T: "I'm not thinking that." Me: "OK, I know much of that is probably me projecting, like I'm thinking I should be over it by now." T: "It was a very intense relationship for you." Me: "Yeah, it was."

T said he felt bad that he continued going to the romantic relationship comparison, but he had trouble thinking of another sort of relationship that close. I said it was OK, that I'd thought similar. And how I'd realized on the ride there how many songs I associate with ex-MC. How one had made me randomly start crying. Which seems more like a romantic relationship, too. Me: "This is going to sound...I mean, it sounds ridiculous to me and really screwed up, because I'm married and have a kid. But at times, it felt almost like...ex-MC was one of the most important people in my life. Not even just at the time, but like, ever in my life. And that seems screwed up, because he was just my therapist..."

T: "It's not screwed up. So...something we haven't fully addressed. What role do you feel ex-MC played for you? It seems he was filling a void of some kind--what void do you think he will filling?" Me: "I don't know...I mean, I know there was childhood stuff." T: "Yes, you've mentioned 'nonjudgmental' multiple times with him. I get the sense maybe it's the first time in your life that you really got that." Me: "Yeah...it's something I'd wanted for a long time."

Me: "I think at first...well, when we first went to see ex-MC, it was because H was being really mean to me. And then, there I was, literally sitting between H and ex-MC, and I'd be there crying, and ex-MC would be listening and trying to comfort me, while H was just sitting there, staring into space. And it was a really stark comparison." T: "It can often be that romantic attraction develops when seeing a therapist of the opposite sex--if both are heterosexual. The therapist is sitting there listening to everything they say and being caring. So it's not surprising that those feelings can develop." Me: "Yeah. And plus I had the mistaken sense that I knew who he was in the outside world, like I had this image of what it would be like to be married to him, which was apparently wrong."

Me: "But I don't feel like I knew ex-T or you that way. I mean, you might be a raging a**hole to everyone in your real life." T smiled and said: "Or I might be like that as a therapist, too. You've probably thought that about me at times. I can be pretty harsh." Me (laughing): "Yeah, maybe I've thought that a little at times!"

Me: "So in this one thread on the forum, people were figuring out how many sessions they'd had with their T's. I think with you it was around 75, ex-T was around 300, and ex-MC was maybe 150-200? And I guess it bothered me a bit." T: "Why did that bother you?" Me: "Because if I feel I'm making progress with you right now, but what was I doing all that time with ex-T?" T: "Maybe try looking back over your journals?" Me: "Yeah, that's a good idea. I guess I'm just wondering, was she not the right fit, was I too caught up in ex-MC stuff, was I not ready?" T: "Sometimes one therapist can sort of prime you for working with another one." Me: "Yeah, maybe that was it. I just wonder if some of it was because of so much focus on the transference with ex-MC."

I said how ex-MC had kept talking about resolving transference, how it can sort of rewrite endings to stuff in the past. And so part of me kept hanging in there with him, thinking I had to stay to resolve the transference. But then at the end, he'd made some comment like, "Oh you'll always feel the transference." Me: "It was like I'd been sold a false bill of goods." T: "I'd really like to know what he means when he says resolve transference and what that process would look like." Me: "Yeah, me too. Lots of people on PC talk about being stuck in transference, but I'm not sure how many would say they actually resolved it or what that means." T: "That would be an interesting question to ask, how many people on there feel they have resolved transference and what that looked like." Me: "Yeah, it would. Except... maybe if someone had resolved it, they might not still be on PC." T: "True, still worth asking." (will create thread later)

Me: "I've had lots of people tell me I shouldn't keep working with you, that I need a T who is experienced in working with transference. And at one time, I thought maybe they were right. That I needed someone who would fully accept the transference and work through it with me. But now that I'm further from the ex-MC thing, it's like I'm feeling a bit differently about that." T: "In what way?" Me: "I guess seeing how many people are dealing with transference...it's like I got so caught up in it. Much of my therapy with ex-T turned into being about dealing with transference for ex-MC. And then that often became the topic with ex-MC, too. It was just very consuming and I think maybe it kept me from accomplishing other stuff in therapy." T: "It does seem like you got caught up in just dealing with the therapeutic relationship, maybe at the expense of other things." Me: "Yeah...and some would say the work is in the relationship, and I can see that in some ways, but...and I mean, I know as you've said, I think about the therapeutic relationship with you more than your other clients...but it's still not the same thing as with ex-MC, like it's not all-consuming in that way." T: "Good." Me: "I guess maybe what I'm saying is, maybe working through transference isn't the right thing for me at this point."

T: "You know, that's all very similar to what I told you maybe 4 months ago." Me: "Yeah, I know." T: "I really hope you aren't offended by my saying that, especially right at the end of session." Me: "Well, if I was, then I'd just email you." T: "True." Me: "But I get that it's something you were trying to tell me then, but I just wasn't ready to hear it. Like...I needed to figure it out on my own." T: "Yes, that's what I meant." Me: "At the time it upset me because it felt like you were all [I held out my hands and made an X sign with my index fingers] like get away from me! But I don't get that feeling now. It feels more like you're looking out for me and trying to keep me from going down the same path." T: "Good, because that's what I'm trying to do." Me: "And I appreciate that."

We were almost to the full hour (again, I was the one who pointed it out). Went over and paid, as we kept talking a bit about session. T: "I was glad when you said what you wanted to include in the email but felt you didn't have to. It shows progress." Me: "Good." T: "If you had included that part..." Me: "You would have just said it was fine?" T: "Exactly." Me: "So I saved us both some words then!" T: "Yes you did!" Me: "And it's good to know you think I'm making progress, too. I think that's part of why I wanted both sessions next week, because I feel I'm making progress and want to keep up the momentum."

T: "What's today? So, Monday." Me: "Today's not Monday, right?" T: "No, today's Thursday, so I'll see you Monday." Me: "OK, just making sure, it's confusing when I work from home." Shook hands as he said, "Have a great weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too" T: "Thanks. See you Monday."

I walked out and a guy in the waiting room looked up at me for a second, looked back down, then looked up at me again for extended period as I walked out. Seriously, give me some space, waiting room people!

Sure, there was a lot of talk about some more random things, but I think some really important stuff came out in that session.

What a fantastic memory you have, LT!
You're working well with your T right now.

Thanks, CE. I feel like we've been making a lot of progress lately, which is why I feel OK still doing the twice weekly. I feel it keeps the momentum going.

LT

Just pointing out that weekly can also make progress/momentum. Some people do fantastic with things on weekly or bi weekly. It's not so much the frequency as it is what you do while you are there and between sessions for "homework" or whatever. For me, I don't put much effort into it, so there isn't tons of progress anymore but I know that's on me. I admittedly still go, soley for my attachment to him.

Just be careful with the attachment growing deeper with 2x, I only say that because I don't want to see you having repeat of ex mc, especially with how hard it still is on you. That being said... yes I agree, fantastic memory. Have you kept records like this of all sessions even with former T's? That must be really interesting to go back and track progress and such.

I'm sorry you are still dealing with so much pain from Ex-MC but it's good you are able to have him (and us) as supports to help with the healing.

Was interesting you asking the thing about his wife. I kinda always wondered about that sort of stuff. I wonder if his answer is typical of T's.... makes sense why he would with that example though. Thanks for sharing this. This post isn't intended to come off bad, so I hope you don't take it that way. I'm terrible at wording things sometimes.

Things went best for me at twice a week.

I told him I'd been down this past week. He asked if it was because of what our plan was today. Frankly he gives himself too much credit; I'd forgotten whatever the master plan was. We discussed a bit how we'd come up with themes that I wanted to focus on: lack of control, vulnerability, and worthlessness. The goal today was to focus on identifying issues that relate to those three themes. Something he called the Trauma Top 10.

Hence, it should be clear why most of the rest of this post is under the trigger code. Proceed with caution.



Through most of this I made numerous comments about how my life wasn't that bad. At least I didn't grow up in a refugee camp or was a starving child in Africa.

"I don't ever want to feel anything ever again. I'd trade happiness to never feel this pain. My life would be so much better."
"Are you a fan of Star Trek?"
"Yeah."
"Data would disagree with you."
"Hmm. Touché."

It was then that some emotion leaked out. "I'm just thinking about so many things that I stuff so deep down." I was looking out the window into the trees. "Is there a reason you're avoiding eye contact?"
"No. Is there a reason you want me to look at you?"
"No."

I started thinking about all of the negative things that loop in my mind sometimes. I started to laugh and said "oh brain, you're being such a brain."

"What's going on in the brain?"

I couldn't help it, I started to laugh hysterically. There's a song called "Pillow Talking" by this comedian rapper. The rapper went to college here, coincidentally. He wrote down the name of the song. I don't know if I want him to listen to it.

"But seriously, I'm just tired of my brain thinking all of the bad things. I just want to hear good things about myself for once."

"Do you want me to tell you some nice things?"
"Sure."

"Okay, so your glasses are really cool first of all. You're also really smart. Like, scary smart, because you're both emotionally intelligent and probably have a genius IQ. But what strikes me the most is your heart. Every time you talk about your work, it's inspiring to hear how much you care for your students?"

"Even though sometimes they're all assholes and I hate them?"

"Well you do teach middle school special education. If you loved them all the time I'd be convinced that you were repressing your emotions way too deep."

I stared off into the distance again. Tears were welling up.

"Can I tell you a joke, Daisy?"
"Umm, sure?"
"Well I came up with it a couple of sessions ago, but I couldn't find a good time to say it. And last time I forgot it. And I'm going to ruin the delivery, because I really should tell you as you walk out, but I'm afraid that I'll forget again."
"Well now I'm intrigued."
"So I had this image of you walking out the door and saying, 'Hey Daisy, be careful out there. I heard Mrs. Daisydid is a savage'."

He was amused a couple of weeks ago that a student called me a savage. I laughed, hard.

I left the session in a good place. It wasn't until I got home and my husband yelled at me about something that I lost it. All of the emotions I couldn't feel with T today came pouring out.



I'll be okay in time. I took a PRN and am going to bed.

Me too, I miss it.

Could partly be why I've just stopped trying. I just go to chit chat really.

Tonight's session was quite intense. It went from ok to awful to really good, and we wound up going over. Like way over.

I came in looking to talk about some of my food rules/obsessions - I'd gotten caught up in an obsession over the weekend at the supermarket & it had been sort of an ah-ha moment to me... a "this isn't normal" moment. I emailed C about it late at night & we talked via email a bit this morning too... I wound up confessing to him that there are parts that desperately want him (my daddy) to tell me to eat... to not just tell me, actually, because that felt like a trick...but to genuinely want me to eat. I went into our session feeling very close to him, but things went south quickly.

I was telling C about how my nutritionist/dietician wants to push me towards intuitive eating. C expressed skepticism over this method, and wound up saying he wasn't the one who wanted me to go to a dietician (to which I said 'uhhh...you were all for it...encouraged it even...'), and that he thought the dietician would put me on an eating plan..would tell me what to eat. I brought up, in the context of my own skepticism over intuitive eating, how I was afraid of gaining all my weight back/getting fat again, and C agreed that that was something I should be concerned about. That, statistically speaking, because I've been obese before, it's something I have to worry about...unlike someone who has always been thin, slipped into anorexia, and then was in recovery and "really shouldn't worry about ever getting fat." (My words.)

For whatever reason, this really sent me spinning - this whole notion of him saying "yes, you should be concerned about not gaining a bunch of weight." I felt SO fat in that moment and like never eating again...which I told him...and we back and forthed, he got angry even... said that I was upset because he wasn't saying what I wanted to hear... compared this to when I told him that, because he'd had cancer before, he was at a higher risk of getting cancer again (which I said was totally different, but I don't think he understood where I was coming from in the moment...though I kept trying to explain it).

It got really bad. I told him it was obvious that I just couldn't talk to him about this stuff...because he's always saying stuff that makes it worse. But, then, somewhere in my rambling I wound up going down the path of telling him what I wanted him to say... (He told me to tell him, said "give me a script," and I guess I was just so upset that I couldn't argue anymore).

I wound up in tears telling him how I just wanted to be so thin that everyone, that HE wouldn't say anything about worry over gaining weight back. He said that he'd just be worried about my getting too thin, to which I said "That would be so...so much better."

He asked me why and said it would "be the same to him."

I said "because nobody looks at a thin person and thinks she's weak. Because getting that thin takes a tremendous amount of discipline and pain."

He asked what people think when they see someone who is very overweight, and I said "weakness, laziness, lack of control."

The conversation took this turn for a bit until, somehow, I wound up saying how I look at my anorexic brother...and I see how PROUD my dad is when he sits down and eats a big amount of food. And then I started falling completely apart... because I realized that I've never even thought about this before, but it's been there all along... how my dad wants my brothers to eat, how he's always wanted them to eat, and I've always been the fat girl who he doesn't want to eat...who isn't supposed to eat.

And then I blurted out how I'd never even been given a chance...how, when I was 1.5-2 years old, my mom fed me french fries, and my dad got horribly angry at her and yelled at her "why are you feeding her that? You're just going to make her fat like you!" ... how I never even had a chance...

He already didn't want me to eat when I was just a baby.

I started crying how I just wanted my dad to want me to eat...not to just say it, I want to be so thin that he actually WANTS me to eat... but, when I was nearing underweight, even then, all he said was how good I looked. I said that I know if I went to him and said "Dad, I want you to want me to eat," he would say "well of course I want you to eat," ...and C asked "would he mean it?" And I said that he probably would...

And then I said that it was too late... even if my dad does truly, genuinely want me to eat, it will never be enough to make up for all of the times that he didn't.

...

I am so spent after today's session. I'm still in so so much pain, but I pulled myself together pretty quickly because it was overwhelming to be crying in that room with C. He asked me to let him see my face while I was crying, but I couldn't. I blurted out "I'm too ugly," to which he said I wasn't ugly to him, but, that's another message from my dad and ex-stepmom, you know... "you're ugly when you cry." ... when I did finally look up, he deliberately turned the clock around so I couldn't see it, indicating that he didn't want me to worry about going over...that he wanted to go over. I appreciated that, but of course felt antsy about it too.

Something else I wound up saying somewhere in there... "I want to be taken care of... isn't this one of the fundamental needs? You feed your children."

Tonight, I am just in deep deep grief. I don't know how to cope with or overcome this. I told C I didn't know what to "do" with it, but we both know there's nothing to do with it... there's nothing to be done.

I really wish I could just go live with C right now. I never wanted to leave.

Wow, that's a really intense session, TMC. Sounds like you had a really important revelation at the end. Maybe you just have to feel the grief? Do you see him again this week? Hugs...

((Cats))

A painful session, but I think you made a lot of progress.

Thanks... stupid grief. Stupid feelings.
I haven't eaten dinner. I know I should, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so.
I can't tell if I'm avoiding eating because it distracts me from the emotional pain or ...ok, actually, that's probably the very reason...

I see him again Thursday, and I also emailed him this evening.

I often can't eat if I'm either upset or anxious.