Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

57 days until I get to go home and (roughly) 124 days until I get to see you again. Not to be dramatic but that feels like a million years

I feel like I'm done.

I think you think I'm an attention seeker. Maybe you're right. But I feel like I'm done anyway.

I'm almost sure you don't love me (anymore?), but I love you

Love is so beautiful. I know I don't deserve anyone's love, but I'm glad love exists. It hurts to now I'll never be loved... but it's okay. I'm who I am... It's okay.

I told you I'm doing better, I guess I lied.

Your friends and family are really lucky.

MLK is been a busted week and am struggling to get back on track. I have been putting out campfires for a lot of other people.

I feel like crying remembering how you said you love me, it can't be a true, you shouldn't have said that

FFS I miss you so much

Bubbles,

I don't have the resources to deal with what I put on my plate last night. This hurts so much. I feel so alone. Isolated. And surprisingly, the person I really want to talk to about all of this is you. I think that's a good sign? Even when I was seeing V, if I was super disregulated (like today), I'd want RoboT. But I think you'd do your job well.

Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of talking to you again until next Friday. By then these feelings will be a distant memory. Such is the false construct of therapy, huh?

Are you going to give up on me because I’m chronically

i'm just a paycheck. just your job. i've always known that intellectually, but never really felt it until the past couple-3 weeks.

i dunno.

LT, I can’t help but jump in here - and I realize this may not have anything to do with the main point of your post here - but please consult your procedural safeguards handbook regarding that IEP meeting. In my school district, an IEP meeting must be held at a mutually agreeable time. If the day/time doesn’t work for you due to a therapy appointment, request another day/time. I’m pretty sure you can call the shots on this one.

I think I am understanding more about how important it is for me to say what is and has been true for me, to dig into my past experience when I see that things have changed. And it feels like so much has changed, it is so much better, but it's like being on a great ride (or s*x) for too long on time. Even when it's fantastic i only want it to last for so long. It is more variable than that, of course, but the sustained benefits in my creative project are kind of blowing my mind. And all this stuff interacts together, because the more I speak up, the more I realize that things have changed. And it's easier to deal with disagreements or the occasional outright meanness or hostility. I feel like I'm preparing myself for something larger. See you Thursday.

Thanks--you are correct about that, I learned. They did reschedule it and asked if it worked for us--said they'd be "out of compliance" (with the deadline) if we went past that day, but that it was OK, we just had to approve it. It was actually during our scheduled appointment with our marriage counselor, and 6 months ago, while still in the thick of transference, I wouldn't have wanted to reschedule him (especially since we're spacing out sessions). But I'm fine doing that in this case (it was likely to be a termination session anyway...so no real rush on that).

The main reason I didn't think they could change it, is a couple years ago (while D was in pre-K), we got the date of the IEP meeting months in advance. It was a day that she was off school, so we'd have to bring her with us. ...And it was her birthday. I requested multiple times for them to change the date, but they kept saying they couldn't so we just dealt with it (I probably should have pushed it more...). This is a different school though (but same county), and they seem more willing to work with us.

see the thing is t, that i don't think i can do this work with you anymore. that whole thing in july, that stuff i know i heard you say, that you deny saying most of, it's like, well, i know logically it probably shouldn't be a big deal but it is, t it is, it's like, 1) when we talked about it time before last, you sat there in complete denial of saying any of it and letting ME feel like I was crazy and 2) even though now you admitted to saying at least the first part, I feel like I can't trust you anymore. I learned that I can't trust you with my anger. And if I can't trust you with that, then what point is there to continuing? I can't trust you anymore, I'm just a paycheck to you anyway, I can't express my feelings to you even if they're good ones now that you said "Can't you just let feeling it be enough?" Well pardon me, Miss Perfect. No, apparently I can't. So ****ing sue me. I thought I had let this all go. Obviously I have not. I'm getting angry again. But I can't share this with you, because you've shown me that you can't handle it. What am I supposed to do with this?! I don't like being angry with you. You have been such an important part of my life for 6.5 years, have helped me help myself to learn and grow and make so many positive changes in my life. I don't like the way things are now.

I can't do this anymore with you.

But how do I tell you that without talking about the reasons?!

Ah hell t. I hear your voice in my head. "You have the tools to work with this."

Shut up, ok?

And now I can't even be angry with you.

T-
Today was really nice. I needed a light friendly no drama session. Thank you for that.

I miss Saturday sessions. If you still did them, I would have asked to come today to get this over with.

I can't believe I got 2 hugs on my birthday, so awesome! one was even long. I've come a long ways with hugging you.... now I actually look forward to it, who would have ever thought? I miss you by the way. Tuesday needs to hurry

Ugh. I just looked at your stupid picture on your stupid profile and now I want to talk to you. Looking at your picture, I just feel stupid with what I am thinking.

Stupid.

Thank you for that session. You got me to talk about something real. You said you feel closer to me after that conversation. I feel closer to you too. Thank you for everything. I love you in ways that cannot be described.

eating disorder TW

Yes you are right, i think, there is the beginnings of an internal storm before everything gets cut off.

Finally working on my sexuality in therapy. You said May be a year or so ago you didn't think I was ready. Now I am, and you've been so wonderful about it. I feel deep healing and even excitement about my progress . You make it so comfortable to talk about

Me again t. My curiosity is going to get the better of me. Am I making a big deal out of all of this and thinking about not coming back for the valid reasons that I've lost trust in you and that you can't handle my anger? Or is it because I'm trying to run away from this animus work? My dreams have been absolutely relentless lately and I'm beginning to think it is the latter, much as that pains me to the core.

so brave. i avoided the topic of my sexuality in all 5.5 years of my last therapy, and so far in the 2.5 yeras with my current T. I mean we touched upon it, and then i retreated. I do think that if I can be brave enough, I will be able to work on it with my current T.