Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I really need tomorrow’s session to go well. Please don’t harm me.

Dear Dr. S,
Why did you feel it necessary to talk to the adult yesterday after I finally said what was in my head? You acted like you understood it was coming from a young place. Then you went off to analyze it. Not what I needed in that moment. Absolutely not what I needed.
-me

Dear T,
I like that I now have a piece of paper with your handwriting on it (which is much more legible than you say!) And it's not just some random thing, like the date of my next session, but some of my deepest feelings and needs going back to childhood. It's like...I don't know, your writing them down gives a voice to them or something. Like it gives them legitimacy, meaning. Like I'm dictating my story to you and you're putting it to paper. I think I need to talk about what that means with you, why it seems to be affecting me this way. I've written plenty of things about myself on paper; so why does it mean something more when you do? Maybe it's because you were interpreting what I was saying and writing it down, making sense of it, making a story (even if it's part of an exercise in a workbook). And I assume there's some meaning that my eyes keep going to certain words/phrases...
Looking forward to discussing this with you on Thursday,
LT

I really, really wish I could ask to talk to you for 5 minutes tonight. I need to hear your voice right now.

How do I recover from ‘him’ and everything that happened? How do I do it? I don’t think you know, either.

I need the intrusive thoughts to stop.

I need help feeling my anger about him. Can you help me feel my anger? Intellectually, I know I’m angry at what he did to me...but I mostly just feel sad. All the time, I’m just sad. I can’t find the energy to do anything. And life is passing me by.

I want to feel powerful. Can you help me feel powerful?

And I feel alien. Does abuse cause that? I feel like a huge chunk is missing...like a HUGE chunk of DNA is missing. I’ve always been alien. Whatever happened started early, very early. What could have happened to me to make me...like this?

And it’s weird, I’m torn in two..I feel childish. But I know I’m an adult.
*sigh*

I'm sorry you are still not feeling well.... kind bummed having an "out of it session" but it's ok, I understand. I miss you and I hate having to walk out that door every week.

I think of you everyday. Every single day. There are times I wish I never met you.

1000% relateble

I can agree with this one too. I think about my T because I get angry and I also wish I never met her either she frustrates me so much.

i feel silly that i kept that one piece of paper you scribbled a note on and gave to me. it's just the name of someone you wanted me to google. but looking at your handwriting makes me feel better. miss you

I'm seeing you in under 4 hours. I hope I can bring some of my despair into the room. I need you to see it.

I wish now that I'd borrowed that book even though I'd never read it. I just want to have something from you for a bit. Maybe before you go I'll take it

1000% relatable here too....

T I wish we could finish last week's discussion sooner than next week. Like right now. But whatever. I wish I had said "but I'm not 'back'" because I'm not!! We still have to pay all the hospital bills which are just starting to trickle in. And what gives you the right to say "well after 6 years this must be budgeted by now" of course it is, but the hospital bills definitely weren't, and besides what if I want a new budget huh??? I guess I'm still angry. and I feel trapped when you say stuff like that.

Hey T. Sorry for e-mailing after I had already called, but thank you for your response. I do feel better now.

I have this too. I don't go to dirty and disgusting, but I do go to needy and dependent and stupid. Different words, but same shame and same need and same frustration.

I don't have any brilliant insight but I want to let you know that you are not the only one who feels this.

Yeah t. I definitely feel trapped when you say stuff that I perceive as talking me into staying. Maybe you don't mean it that way. But I take it that way.

have you noticed I haven't emailed?
I'm not forcing it. I just haven't needed to.

Omg i do too! I just wanted to decrease from 2 days a week to 1 day a week. But hes been totally cool about it since after the first missed 2nd day.

Hey FM and MLK,

Thanks for the support this morning. I am grateful I can communicate whenever I need and not feel I am too much. I need the support of everyone that has seen me on this journey to shepherd me to the end. You never chafe at your commitments to me. You two, actually three, are the reason there is a end insight for this particular leg of my travels.

Another interpretation besides T is trying to "trap" you into staying (not claiming I know better than you, but I think it's worth telling her directly what you think).

Maybe she is trying to whittle down your excuse that you can't afford therapy. I suspect that if you said you wanted to quit therapy because you have made the progress that you want to, she wouldn't try to "trap" you into staying (although maybe she would be honest if she thinks you might still benefit from therapy).

But when I hear you say you can't go to therapy because the hospital bills must be paid, and the hospital (who will be fine with you eeking out your payments over the years, and they can certainly wait) is more important than what you want for yourself, I think she's right to challenge you on whether you really can't afford therapy, or why what you need and want isn't as important as paying the hospital or satisfying someone else's ideas of how you should spend your money. It seems to me that saying you can't afford therapy is just shorthand for saying you can't afford you, that "I can't afford it" is an excuse for denying yourself, which I am not a big fan of doing.

I think she's calling b.s. on your reason for it. It seems to me that you work really hard and have a lot of responsibilities at home and take very little for yourself. It sounds to me like she thinks you deserve more.

Is it T who is really making you feel trapped, or the situation you find yourself in?

Of no importance.

Y'all might be right but dammit why is everything I say always wrong?!

Sweeeeeetie! You are NOT always wrong. Youre only wrong when you agree with your h! Youre always right when you agree with us! I know - we are horrible!

I don't think you are saying anything wrong. What I think is that you are trying to do is to make a decision of if you want/need therapy and is it worth the money and time to you. And at the same time you are a little frustrated with your therapist because of something she said to you. All perfectly reasonable.

I've been at the point of possibly/maybe quitting many times. I've finally decided that I'm just going to be in therapy forever. I'll space out sessions when I feel better, but I'm not quitting.