Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Thank you for telling me you are never ashamed of me. I really, really needed that. H is over me, and I am over me. I need to focus on myself and my reactions and not seek reassurance. I am having a difficult time with all of this. I feel humiliated and ashamed of myself. I am honestly doing the best that I can at any given time. In spite of this, I am slinking down to the lowest common denominator. I feel so bad about myself. I am so much better than I used to be overall, but this is painful. But I'm really angry at this. I hope that there is hope that I can get better from this.

I want to tell my doctor that my libido is gone since going to 300mg effexor from 225mg. Doctor will say it's not important but it is to me.

Sorry I've become too much for you. I promise I'll quit soon, and hope you can get someone better to work with in my spot. Thanks for trying but I'm not worth bothering with anymore. You deserve to be happy --so I will leave. Again, so sorry.

So I'd like to get back to the business of therapy on Friday. Thank you.

I woke with this feeling of wanting to slow things down, maybe it's linked to asking if I could have three sessions, but you telling me it would be hard to fit in with my school schedule. I need space- I don't want to be this needy child who wants you all the time.I think it would be good practice for the next time you go on holiday anyway and I need to save money.

T, that thing I couldn't say was that everybody did it to everyone else. All of them. Every combination.
I don't know if I will ever be able to tell you that.

I am so over myself. I keep thinking of things I've done/mistakes I've made and I am so disgusted with myself. And when other people are telling me things, it sometimes will hit these vulnerabilities and I think everybody knows how horrible I am. I am seriously wondering if I am becoming psychotic and it is terrifying. I feel like I am living in a world I can't trust. I feel like I am completely exposed and everybody knows every mistake I've made. I am so deeply ashamed of myself that it is almost unbearable. I am in a downward spiral from which I can't seem to escape. I so badly want to escape somehow. I want to give up, wave the white flag and surrender.

Dear T,

I need you to tell me that I am ok. I need some kind of positive reinforcement from you. Why did I think it was a good idea to bring this topic up now. Why did I essentially cut myself off from support? I am such a freaking moron.

You squeezed me pretty tight during that hug. I felt the luv

I love you, but you already know that.

I shouldn't have let you touch me, why did my body react to it sexually when there was nothing sexual about it? I'm scared you could tell although I know that's not possible. What the **** is wrong with me. I'm disgusting and I don't deserve the comfort anyway so I shouldn't have accepted it. I hate myself and I hate going through this and I don't want my body to remember anything because it scares the **** out of me and I don't understand it and I can't control it and I want it all to go away but that's not got me anywhere has it. What choice do I have.

I keep feeling angry which helps me be me. However, when it dissipates I feel inferior to everyone and I despise it. I feel like I have nothing important to give. Like I'm a big nobody. I want to be my own agent. I feel like I am an alien from outer space and I have been thrown into the mix and I have no idea what to do. I feel like a big loser. Is this forever? Is this going to get better at all? How do I become a person? I just want to feel safe, but at work, I don't. I'm really low and I mean low.

Dear T,
Thanks for the caring e-mail response, even though I assume you're traveling right now (hence the mention of no access to computer). I definitely feel better about that thing I e-mailed about now. I think I'm just extra sensitive because of talking about childhood stuff, plus feeling connected to you lately, which scares me (not sure I'll be able to talk to you about that last part...)
Safe travels, and see you Tuesday,
LT

Really really really normal
I promise
I'm sorry it's so upsetting. i know. It's scary and overwhelming.

C



I'm not ok.

do u know?

Dear Blondie --

Thank you for texting me Happy International Women's Day.......I think.

I do see the careful attention paid to the word 'International'.

And, I suppose my many hours whinging about my tangle of gender identity issues to your sympathetic gaze were................not quite sure what.

But, I get that it's the thought that counts etc.

Sigh.

- AY

Dear T,
And what if it is partly about *you* writing it? Is that OK?
LT

please don't be mad at me for the SI
please
please
please

I just want your voice OUT of my head so I can be a normal human being but I don't ever want you to leave, either... thinking of you and what you would want me to do makes me feel safe

Dear Piaf,

I think this is your inaugural post in Dear T. Or your inaugural solo post. So listen up.

I meant it today when I said I would respect you more if you didn’t pussyfoot around me. I’ve had that happen with other therapists and it’s ridiculous. Like I said, you guys are the so-called communications experts, so be good at it, okay?

As for your claim you can take any tongue-lashing I give, color me skeptical. They all said that and they were all wrong.

ATAT

Can I get a hug? Please?

The dream... it doesn't sound like much really, but I think it's huge! Maybe you are right but I'm confused again! Despite the confusion over the dream, I'm still feeling good about it all right now. Although I know today will be the day when I start losing those feelings, the connection deceases and I'm back to thinking 'what is this'
Maybe an end of week email would help keep the feelings. No I will not not email! I will just you wish you would!

I'm still scared. I woke in the middle of the night terrified and the shaking started again. You were right, I was feeling very, very young yesterday. How am I supposed to look after my little one when I feel so little myself. I'm so scared he's going to be like me. I love him so much, I'm sure he must feel it. I tell him all the time, I hug him all the time. Surely that counts for something. I don't know what it's like to feel loved and safe and secure. I just hope he feels it. I want it to be next week now please, I need to see you, I need to know it's ok.

It felt weird to be wished that for me too. Colleagues wished me. My T would never initiate contact or reply. Cos I don't know what's my gender identity.

T,

Conversion therapy is such a triggering topic. My friend (cis het and Abrahamic religion duh) insisted on being "neutral" about it. Dunno, maybe you too would remain "neutral"... since you're cis het and of the same religion.

I do feel bitter and jaded thinking "you and people like her can afford to be neutral. It isn't Who You Are being "debated" as natural vs unnatural, to affirm vs to seek to cure."

And it hurts... it's not like "the debate on mindfulness or the debate on ECT". It's not "some benefit, some are harmed".

People kill themselves because of this. Families disown their children because of this. People beat, torture and rape us for this! I grew up witnessing my sibling being viciously physically abused as a young boy because of this.

To me (and I also see where she's coming from), neutrality in the face of harm done is siding with the oppressor.

And no, I didn't get angry with my friend. I worked hard to be fair, reasonable and calm and on compromise regarding her listing THAT organisation on her "mental health resource list."

Anyway meh...maybe I should shut up. I swing back and forth like pendulum depending on if I hate myself or accept myself.

Hate myself = "I should self harm and attend conversion therapy to torture myself into heterosexual. Do or die. Like really, go jump from the block if I fail.". Accept myself = "OMG conversion therapy drives people to suicide, get ****ing upset that people don't condemn the practice".

Where do YOU stand, T? Or are you "neutral" too?