Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I agree 21 pages is way too long. I'm sorry you felt infantalized - I remember feeling sort of similar - kind of humiliated that I had to spend my time in my right mind planning for when I would be in my wrong mind.

I hope things with bubbles go well.

Okay I give up. I haven't written here from Wednesday to Sunday but I want to feel connected to you now. I need to. Today's tough for obvious reasons. I have done really well not to Google you or write here up till now. Let me just write here once and say I love you. And I miss you.

hey t. can you somehow be briiliant tomorrow and help me out of this rut? please?

4 long days to go still. Sigh

How did I get stuck waiting until Wednesday? I wish you had saved me a spot on Tuesday, since you won't be there Monday. I guess that's a bit selfish of me, since I'm sure there are other people who need your time, but still. Maybe I act like I don't care, but I do. Even when I don't have much to say at times, having the opportunity to talk two times every week is the only reason I haven't gone completely mute. I'm invisible and silent the rest of the time, and it makes me feel worthless.

I probably shouldn’t have said I could stay safe til next time. I know you said to email you if I feel like this, but it’s Sunday night.. I don’t know if you’d even see it

Only one way to find out, right?

I have been pleasantly surprised by things like that before when I have taken the risk of reaching out.

Thank you so much. I just don’t know how to even word it

even though we've had no snow all winter, and ALL I WANT IS SNOW, i am so so glad we aren't going to get much of anything tomorrow, because i don't want to miss therapy. Don't worry, I won't tell you this

I don't want to see your stupid face this week but I am also looking forward to my session on Tuesday. I might be confused about how I feel about you right now. You suck but I still like you.

I don’t know what else to do I’m going off my meds for 3 days ( I know bad idea) luckily I have my Ativan to keep my somewhat calm. I can’t stand it when you never listen to me about my medication and how it is not helping but you always say it is helping but in the past I’ve had I cigarette to keep me calm ( which I rarely rarely do) but now maybe I’ll go off my meds and not smoke not be relaxed not do anything and maybe just maybe when I see you on Tuesday morning you’ll see I’m not calm the medication isn’t working and I’m really getting tired of this. I know somewhere deep down you care about me I remember when we talked about our love of Harry Potter ( I was wearing a shirt at the time) and you went on and on about how much you loved it. I don’t quit seeing you but at the same time if it’s going to be a battle maybe I should see someone else in your office but oh how awkward would that be? I can almost imagine you wanting to throw your high heels at me right now.

Is the relationship between psychologist and patient client a mirage more than real both sides? The client is the better person in this often,striving to be vulnerable while the T strives to hide what he is not feeling, not just what he is. Moral relativity. He is doing this fo the patient's own good, with his training .

You are breaking the spell you cast on me that psychotherapy is a magical, corrective processes elevated above the common every day world, and you are doing that with purposefulness. You think abused kids comfort themselves with magical thinking even as adults, and that a little magical thinking is needed for the patient buy into the therapeutic alliance .

We talked about Equus and how when therapists burn out, they can be seduced by magical thinking. The psychiatrist in that play didn't want cure his patient, because there was some passion in the boy missing in the man. We both remembered the line when he said he needed his patients more than his patients needed him- a way of seeing in the dark but no longer knowing what dark it is.

You can be Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting ,Dumbledore- and how of course you love that mirror.

We talked about me being a teacher and Robin Williams again in Dead Poet Society,and how both roies are not the best practice( student/client centered) but they romanticize the teacher/psychologist as an exile on a Hero's Journey. How there is moral relativity to you but legit moral confusion to me in Robin W committing suicide.

You said you are not on a hero's journey, you just "bumble" around, you are a doctor, I am a patient, and the guy who cleans the windows is a window cleaner. You say you want to set me free of magic because then the harrowing past will hurt less. I do not understand you mean intellectually, but I grasp what you mean in my heart.

You told me I am "exquisite" to you, and yet and yet the guy cleaning the windows is to us the window cleaner. It was a sad session, but it perked up my curiosity too.

I think you are conventional in the way you live and go to marraige counseling with your wife and then offer couple's counseling to others and talk about coparenting and other such therapist parlance. You hate being seen as conventional; you want be a mystic healing brilliantly not a suburban daddy listening NPR.I think you remember your life before, and you see your choices make complex messy feelings a moral danger, and you are scared. What you don't want is to have your own feelings the room ,in case anyone touches them and reminds you what it used be like to feel freer.

Our theme seems to be quality of life - Robion William's ,yours, mine.

My not eating has resulted in physical problems and I think I am anemic yet I continue to not eat. I do NOT get it.

Dear Piaf,

It feels as though if I start crying, I will never stop.

I am tempted to write and ask if you have any availability before Friday, but if you did and I came in, I’d have to explain why I wanted to meet earlier. And it’s something we touched on very lightly but not in any kind of detail (No. 3), and I don’t want to have to explain that whole repeating drama again. Besides, talking about her always makes me feel worse.

Upper lip, stiffened.

ATAT

I wonder if my life could actually be defined by the one line song lyric, "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places."

Yeah, definitely that.

When you email to check in you erode my resolve to check out my options.

I hate that I get emotional over you. Damn it, lol....I am not used to this with people and I hate it.

Bubbles,

I'd started toying around with the idea of rearranging my schedule next school year so that I would be available on Tuesdays after school. It seems that whenever you're out or your schedule doesn't allow for Friday, you're always available on Tuesday. This sporadic scheduling is okay in the short-term, but I need to find a more long-term solution.

But then a professional opportunity presented itself last night that I'd be foolish not to accept next year if offered. It'd involve a pay increase and a leadership role, which would help with job advancement later on down the road. Bad news? It'd require me to stay late on Tuesdays.

So back to the drawing board as far as long-term solutions, I guess. See you in 11 days.

Awwww Kashi

Dear FM,

I am at the cusp of being productive today, though atm, I am back to procrastinating. I feel like the stuck stuff needs one last chance to come out, then I can live, work and eat and enjoy. I wonder if more sessions of cursing through emails will get the tantrum to end. Yesterday, I was in a coma and slept all day and night. It amazes me how the body processes things.

I hesitate to contact you because I am not into doing philosophy. I'm borrowing old unused therapy time - yes, I know it does not exist. But the child in me gets to create the game her way and am not willing to open my head to adult atm. I need one last "something" before I get to being productive. I say this because I am grinning as I am typing and I can see you smiling back. The girl is ready to heal, accept what is offered to be soothed.

I will call MLK for positive reinforcement, but you might get a string of expletives throughout the day. Thanks for letting me work through my process and you being okay with all of it.

Just a few more days.

Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful

Oh everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful
Everything is awful, everything is...

What's that crashing sound
That follows us around?
That's the sound of all things good breaking

Put your fears to rest
You know it's for the best
As a choir of angels sing:

Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful

Oh everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful
Everything is awful, everything is...

I know you've worked so hard
To hoist your own petard
Must be so nice; the point caught in your side

Hang your heavy head
It's safer here in bed
And let those voices ring:

Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything,
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful

Oh everything, everything, everything, everything, every little thing
Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful
Everything is awful, everything is...

La la la la la
La la la la awful
Everything is...

La la la la la
La la la la awful
Would you kindly keep it down?

La la la la la
La la la la awful
Just try to get some sleep

La la la la la
La la la la awful
Everything is...

I’m worried that taking a second dose of insulin was an unconscious act of self harm. I’ve passed the danger of hypoglycemia but I don’t know if I should tell you about this.

Dear T,

Yes, I’m very sensitive...so it may only seem like the more I talk about attachment with you, the more distant you become.
I know you’re just being a good T.
I’m not going to bring up attachment anymore.

My mood: I feel sad...constantly.

I worry about you retiring. I wonder who I will see next? I wonder if it will take me a year to tell them all my history like I did with you?

I’m missing you already.

T’s and puppies...not ever getting another. Endings are just too painful.

How does going off your meds and becoming not calm prove the meds aren't working? Seems like the opposite... please take care of yourself!