Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear FM,

At the moment, I can still see the parents not being able to provide the elusive missing piece (think Shel Silverstein) and once again, found it with inside myself. I am hoping to hold onto it with a firmer grasp and more visual diligence. But, I know if it wants or needs to hide itself I have friends and professionals I can call on. I am breathing in the link of interdependence.

Dear Piaf,

I think you are so practical you might dismiss this, but I feel like there’s some sea change in the air for me. Except for a few hours earlier this week, it’s been a good week. I’m having conversations with strangers I don’t need to have conversations with. Today I hugged a stranger (my cousin, but not someone I knew). I feel like I’m doing really well at my job. I got (unofficial) word that my promotion will come through. I’m not wondering if I’ll ever have a partner again. I can see I’m getting better at writing, though I need to carve out more time for that. I feel well-exercised and healthy, like my body is up to anything I ask of it. And my mind, which has often felt sluggish the past few years, now feels like it’s really clicking along, so I feel like it too can do anything I ask it to (well, maybe not advanced mathematics). I guess it’s best described as, I feel alive. For the first time since at least a decade ago, I think.

I’m kind of worried going to see a therapist tomorrow is going to break the spell, since all this has happened since our last appointment. Telling you all this might be a jinx.

ATAT

T...three more days till I see you.

Dear T. I made a very, very, very big and avoidable mistake at work today which will disrupt work operations until I can fix it.

It's a struggle because the Punitive Caregiver mode is telling me to hurt myself badly to punish myself for this big mistake.

After yesterday's session, I realize how much my anxiety over not getting it right, where it could be parenting or doing my taxes, really gets in my own way. Sometimes just being in the room with you makes me see the things I struggle with more accurately, and the truth is that I'm doing things just fine. I can admit how difficult it is while recognizing it's all going quite well. That feels like balance, and growth, and just letting things be how they really are.

Dear T,
Sorry to bug you with the e-mail to confirm today's time, but I wavered back and forth between two options and want to make sure you have the same time down as me. And there was a mix-up involving that once with ex-T.

Wow, you responded while I was typing this, within 2 minutes after I sent the e-mail. Thanks for verifying!
LT

3 days til I see you. It will have been 2 weeks but I swear it feels like 2 months, maybe longer.

I know I will want to hide my face in shame, because I feel so childish and pathetic and unworthy of seeing you. I want to be able to look at you, but it will probably feel too unsafe.

I wonder if you’ll say that all the attachment stuff is ok. You might but then you don’t know what it’s like. It doesn’t feel ok to me. I don’t know what is too much to tell you. I think it must be too much. It’s not ok. It’s really not ok. But I can’t leave you either. I don’t know what to do

Dear T,
I've been thinking about your question: "what is it that I'm afraid to let go?". I've struggled over it for several weeks.
I realized this morning, I don't want to give up my "fortress". We've talked about the fortress I build around myself to avoid letting people in (so they can't hurt me). I can't give it up...it's my safe place. I think, too, that there's a super duper secure vault that's inaccessible and it sits inside my fortress, deep inside the middle. Inside the vault are the super secret things no-one knows or understands. Even me.
I think, on occasion, I'll look out though the peep hole in the door, let someone into the front room of the fortress. I'll sit and have tea with them, but they must leave soon and not stay. It's too uncomfortable. I must be alone. It's safe that way.
This is true even for my husband of 30 years.
Nope. Not letting that go. Can't do it.
The more I think about it, this fortress thing is probably quite common.

I booked a session in with the T you recommended, for Monday. I'm really not sure if it's a good idea or not, especially seeing as he's a man...I can't believe I'm actually going to see a male T. I think it says a lot about how much I trust you, I feel like if you trust him then I can take a leap of faith and try to trust him too. I think you'll be pleased I'm doing this. And anyway, anything is better than ending up at the GP or under crisis team. Once I get through the weekend it will only be one week left. I am struggling big time but I'm surviving. I miss you so much. The fear is overwhelming, I'm not sure I've ever been so afraid.

I honestly had begun to feel like I was growing closer you- you read the second email, but also ignored it like the first. I don't think I want to do this anymore. You make me feel I'm not even worth replying to.

P.s I scraped a pass on my test today with a 59.

Dear T,

Sometimes I really hate your stupid face. Today is not one of those times. I am so grateful that you are my T. I'm so glad that you can handle the confusing, conflicted mess that I am. You are amazing. Thank you for being you.

oh t,

your new pic on that website has got to go. can you say major nerd alert? please ditch the tie and sweater. you are NOT mr. rogers!

me

I miss you. I'm sure you don't care about me at all right now but I hope you are enjoying yourself.

Bubbles. I just had a major epiphany about something, and it might be something really good to explore if/when I'm ready for EMDR. Wow.

Tell me somethin!!!!

A nice thing happened today that I want to tell you about. Don't get carried away though, okay?

I lost my job today. They let me go because of my hospital stay. I wish it wasn’t the weekend so I could talk to you. I can’t stop crying because I already miss the kids so much.

((Summer)) that's terrible, I'm so sorry.

Am not sure that's legal?

Worst T week yet, can't believe I wanna quit like this, or should I say run away! It's hard Cos at the same time u hold the light right now!

You've changed the introduction on your website again. You sound like a stupid cliche:

"I want to celebrate the fact you're here."
"You have already taken the first step to a whole new life."
"I'm ready to listen."
"You don't have to face this alone."

You should just quote Dr Fraiser Crane instead.

AND the older picture was better.

Unfortunately, I’ve nannied “under the table” for this family for the past 3 years, so the laws don’t apply.

Thank you so much luz. I’ll still be able to keep in contact with the kids I watched, but it just won’t be the same.

I miss you. Come back