Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

****, meet fan.

It's not about me, but things are Not Good at the moment. Thursday feels a long, long way away.

I really f*c-king hate you right now and I hate that I have to wait a week to tell you. Feeling so done with this process... again.

Dear No. 3,

I think I might have to learn to hate you to get you out of my head and I can’t even hate 2ex or my assailant.

ATAT

t-

i wish that i could feel held by you.

instead i feel... i dunno, i guess i'm trying not to feel like "too much," trying not to feel rejected, trying not to feel frustrated by the limitations of your practice and of you as a practitioner.

it would be nice if you could help me either fulfill this longing or make it go away because i hate it.

-c

Also thank you for still being willing to do hugs after last evenings discussion/revelation. That's huge to me, you know.

I miss you. It's been two weeks. I have one week more.
I'm drunk. I wish I could drunk text you.

I am now attached and it terrifies me.

I had a dream that I was breast feeding my newborn in bed and hiding underneath the white quilt was my other child.

Even though you replied at 2:30am, I can't feel the same way I did about you, just two days ago. Child parts 4 and 7 doesn't feel safe around you anymore.

I was feeling way too vulnerable to say this, but your response to everything tonight meant a lot to me. You made me feel safe.
Thank you. I'm really glad I found you.

Now back to life and studying.

I'm so done, my body isn't mine, I don't even exist. My mind exists and this is so painful. I want to leave this human being alone. I want to find peace.

Love you, need you, want to talk to you.

scheduling crisis

And t. My answer to your first question: I hope so. How do you feel about that??

I still feel like a fraud. Like there must have been some mistake. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just a f***ing drama queen. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone. I don't know what to say to you.

Never again will I willingly do a 3 week break. Though the training was stupid and very triggering, it'll give us some wonderful things to work on. I wish I were seeing you sooner.

I'm so very sad.

Will you ever tell me you love me again?

Telling you I want to restart therapy and waiting to hear if / when you have a space has made me feel so vulnerable.

I hope your retreat was as refreshing and rejuvenating as mine was. I am working on not squandering my clarity and time on things that do not continue to bring me joy and purpose. It's just that I can't always tell what that is. Ongoing conversation to be had.

I'm calm
I'm patient

Our session this morning really messed with my perceptions of myself, of you, and of therapy. It is going to take me days to process all of this new information... I hope you are prepared to deal with this. Lol.

It got much worse this afternoon. I had the thought to call you. I actually wanted to, but was very afraid of what my reaction would have been had you not called me back. More fuel for the fodder, I guess. Friday.

It's Saturday, for frig's sake....I know you won't email me back until at least Tuesday, if at all....though I am hoping that you will understand how the latest turn of events has exacerbated things somewhat.

So t, what did you mean by "we're on the right track" when we were discussing the rather uncomfortable ones of my feelings for you? I'm so grateful that finally came up and I'm not hiding them from myself anymore, but knowing consciously that they're there now has answered some questions for me, and stepped me up to another level of questions! Grrr! And now I have to wait two weeks to talk about this again! Oh well. I need to develop my 'holding things for myself" muscles anyway.