Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

awwwweee....thank u

I'm scared to come in today...
I'm scared of everything, though, so...

yous the best t

I am level 10 adult today

I've started sucking my thumb. I don't ever remember doing it as a child. I suppose I'm trying to soothe myself, maybe that's a good thing? I'm scared at the moment, really scared of the thoughts in my head. Scared of the ways I'm coping. I'm wondering whether to ask to see you earlier this week but I'm too afraid to ask. Help.

If a tree falls in the forest but there's no one there to hear it, does it really make a sound?

If I act out because I want attention but then don't tell you or anyone else, does it really count?

Not telling you about it is the only way I can convince myself that I'm not a horrible manipulative person faking all of this for attention.

Fell over in town today, and didn't even know I was falling. ****ing excellent metaphor. Three more sleeps, and I have no clue where we're going to end up going in session this week.

Dear T,
Maybe I should have talked about the fact that the concert I'm attending tonight is the first time I'm going back to the location where I sent ex-MC the love e-mail that ultimately led to the end of our relationship. I think that's part of what's making me reluctant to get ready to go see the "[one word in band's name] People," as you amusingly called them. But maybe in some way it will be cathartic for me. At least I don't associate any of their songs with ex-MC (or you, for that matter!) No e-mails will be sent!
Love you,
LT

Sigh.

I wonder how quickly I'll have to stop seeing you this time. How much we'll bleed, how bad this gets before he's able to bounce back. I can clearly see him on the computer, but he won't say a word.

For once in my life I have nothing to say to you - not even this.

I have a fun story for you. Well actually it's not fun at all but actions prove otherwise. Hypocrisy abounds.

i don't think i could be any more exhausted as i am, t.

I’m having panic attacks again at the same time every night like clockwork.The last time I had these you gave me this look like what is she talking about? I hate walking up scared every night I’d tell it you at the next session but again you gave me look like I have no idea what she’s talking about and the weird part is you are my therapist!

I am unhappy that you will be leaving me again.

Self harm TW

There was something wromg with our session yesterday, i dint feel you were there and i couldnt be bothered trying to find you

T. I don't know what is happening, but i am so, so sad. so hopeless. i should just quit, right? you are right that i keep staying in this stuck place. i get it. i also do not know how to get out of it, and it makes me hate myself so much more.

i am not sure anyone can help me out of it, you know? i would write you, but since i've written you twice already tonight, i won't. i shall suffer alone, as always.

Hi R,

Would appreciate it if you could let me know you got my email. Could do with an 'It's OK, I'll see you soon, and we can talk about whatever you need to.' Feeling very alone with the aftermath of this, even though I know it could have been so much worse. It was still pretty ****ing bad.

I don't feel good. I hate you.

You will be disgusted with me. As an adult, I let myself be abused. I let her hit me. I would sometimes provoke her because I couldn't stand the rising tension. It went on until I was almost in my mid 20s.

I want to talk to you every day because I am crazy every day.

What if I get the job and it conflicts with when I should be seeing you? This is really making me anxious. I can't go without!

I feel like texting you. I am panicking.

'First, you say you feel nothing
Then your eyes start to agree with you
Then someone you love, probably, cries in front of you
And your only thought is "When is dinner?"'

- Neil Hilborn



****ing hell, I need to breathe..

see u in a couple hours!!!!