Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

It hurts.
I want you now. Pay attention to me, dammit.

Dear Info,

I really don’t want to see you Tuesday. On the other hand there’s an issue, maybe two, you could help with, given you’re more emotional than Piaf and also that Piaf is somewhere completely inaccessible until next week.

ATAT

PS Incidentally if you are being authentically you in therapy, as you claim to be, I’m not too fond of the authentic you.

Every visually functional moment of my life is accompanied by an internal longing to run to you and hide from the world.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I want you. I don't want you.

I don't believe in anything. I just want to disappear.

I have come to a graspable understanding of the underlying ambivalence I have about therapy. It's the internal tug of war, of course, between what I want and the I think I shouldn't want it. I apparently have a very strong 'should' complex. Whenever I say what I want, Should is always louder telling me differently. I can't wait to come back on 5/10 to continue the previous conversation and maybe if there's time talk about this too.

(Be quiet, Should. There's better things you can do. Let's find them.)

I might want to tell you this next week. On the road, I have stopped halfway for coffee and food, at a Perkins. Next to me is a table for 12, they are in their church clothes, in their 70's and 80's. The six men are sitting at one end of the long table, the six women at the end, very happily chitchatting within their gender. They are dressed so similarly with such similar appearances (haircuts; jewelry). I wished I'd been here to see what they ordered off the senior menu.

I don't think that was ever going to be me and him, notwithstanding the religion issue. Becoming this old couple never seemed like it was in the cards, and maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't want it with anyone else. Feels like I am supposed to think this is adorable and the ideal to strive for. Everyone on TV claps when people announce they've been married for 30, 40, whatever years. It makes me want to gag. Maybe I'm just not suitable partner material for the middle age. I don't think I'll ever be and I don't think I will ever want to be and maybe I'm a freak for that.

I love renovating the house exactly the way I want it to be. I don't miss negotiating over anything and everything and making my own choices. Can't imagine sleeping next to anyone again. Where will the dog and cats go?

I'm finally feeling slightly better.

I accepted the fact that I need to take today off as well.

T, I'm still thinking about what you said you were thinking about when I first got there the other day. I want to know how you feel about the possibility. Why didn't I ask?! I hardly ever have questions in the moment though, they come up later after I've thought about the session for awhile. Anyway I'm going to ask you next time. Don't forget that you said it...

T,
I keep thinking back to the thing you said when we were talking about boundaries. We both agreed that I needed them to feel safe, and that it was unhelpful in the long term when others broke them. You said something about you maintaining boundaries meaning that I might want something that you won't do (I don't remember exactly how you phrased it) but we'll be able to talk about that want/desire without acting on it.
Knowing that makes me feel safe, but I'm guessing that means I'm never going to be able to get you to hold me, right? Damn.

Oh, Hi T. You are going to LOVE the art that came out of me today. I can already see you clapping your hands in glee.

I have an interview on Tuesday, T. I wonder if they will care that I'm a stupid moron.

Also, my rat is loose and won't let me catch her and I just want to have a little lie down.

Dear T,

I still struggle with thoughts and questions about how much I may have contributed to what AbusivePDoc did bc I told him, ‘I care about you.’

Is saying ‘I care about you’ being seductive?

And I have told you that I love you. I probably told AbusivePDoc that I loved him. I probably felt I did. I was telling the truth both times.

Did you feel I was being erotically seductive with you? Ever?

Why did AbusivePDoc hear ‘I love you’ and sexualize it? Do you think he thought I was being seductive? How much is my fault?

I feel like part of everything was my fault.

Dear T,
It's been a good weekend overall. Why am I suddenly filled with despair and want to cry? Guess that's something to bring up with you tomorrow...maybe it's connected to H snapping at me just now, which makes me think of when he yelled at me while I was driving on Friday. Though we turned that night around and had a really good time for our anniversary celebration. But maybe I'm still struggling with some of that? Like maybe I just pushed it down so I could enjoy the evening (particularly the concert), but the distress is still there, unresolved? Again, something to talk about tomorrow...
Love you,
LT

I gave him my retroactive disability award check because he said he would put it in an account for me and dole it out as I needed it.

Thousands and thousands of dollars..

STUPID MOVE, PRECARYOUS!!

***trigger warning***I could HURT him just for that more than for anything else he did. I didn’t agree for him to KEEP it! He kept it all.

But I can’t cause him bodily harm. I have no means and no plans. ***

So much ANGER for this.
But it’s my fault. I did this.

Self harm TW

I dont lie to deceive, i lie to protect,i hope you understand the difference.

Hi T. I had a insane urge today and actually called my mother without her calling me first. She thought something was terribly wrong, haha. I briefly thought I'd bring up questions about my childhood, but in the end, just couldn't do it. I doubt I will tell you this part.

BUT, I did learn a new tidbit that I didn't know. I told her that I needed to go fold a month's worth of clothes (only bc i ran out of socks, and those are impossible to find in my laundry mountain), and she would be absolutely horrified if she saw it. She laughed and agreed that she will try not to imagine it. I said it was just like when she finally gave up on me keeping my room clean, and she would just shut the door.

She went "Oh, that wasn't me, that was Dr. Katz." My pediatrician was amazing, and apparently she went to him, exasperated that I never kept my room clean, and he told her there was nothing for her to do...that I was a teenager, and that is how we are.

OMG. I also know he was the one who told her to stop forcing me to eat food I didn't want to eat. I am even more grateful I had him as a doctor.

So I sent another childish email yesterday at 10pm.

I feel relatively good this morning.

Class at 7.50am.

Maybe you could you seek legal advice for this issue?

So much to talk about yet so little I feel like I can say, idk what to do. I thought I would be excited to see you after all this time, but I'm actually just terrified.

I am mostly grateful for our work together but I didn’t sign up for an unexpected attachment to a paid practitioner. So I’d like you to get the f out of my head (and if you’re in there too, my heart). I’ll keep the lessons though.

Thank you. I told my ‘good’ T at the time, the police and my lawyer....within a year after it happened.
I told Medicare. Medicare asked why didn’t I tell them sooner? They would have put a stop on the check. But by the time I wondered if he was less than honest, he had already cashed the check.

I have never figured out why the police did not investigate or arrest him for this or any of the things he did to me. They were felonies.

I was let down by the criminal justice system....but they got a lien on my civil award money. I recieved $1000.00 out of the civil settlement. A nuisance payment from the civil case with the other side claiming no wrong-doing. (Not any part of the money perp doctor conned out of me.)

This was twenty years ago. Nothing I can do about it but grieve and blame my stupid self.

Do not give money to your doctor, psychiatrist or therapist to ‘hold’ for you. Do not use ‘their’ lawyer. Do not assume any of them are good guys or have your best interest at heart even though this is what they will tell you.
Do not enter into any business with your therapist or psychiatrist.

T1
I both do and don't want to tell you that I was out of it Friday because I took a handful of pills. I'm scared of your reaction. It's ok if you do the dad thing, but not if you do the stern "I have to do this" thing. I guess I am trying to decide if I tell you when I see you in a few hours or if I let more time pass. I am sure that you would be less upset if I wait. But I was unable to sleep last night. And I know that not sleeping does not help my mental health.

It's kind of like I am punishing myself by not taking something so that I can sleep. Which doesn't make any kind of sense.

If I don't tell you today, my anxiety will probably still be high enough that I will stay awake at the hospital today for my infusion. I think I would feel weird if I slept there, although that doesn't really make sense. Why would the nurse care if I sleep while sitting there? I guess I think that it shows that I am messed up. On the other hand, a nap sounds good.

Oy. I am a mess. I hope that you will just say that I should tell T3 and then move on. Maybe I should just tell you that is my plan.

Hi T,



At the same time... Please help? We both know I don't actually want to do that...

3 more days.

Dear T,
A thread about e-mail signoffs on here had me looking back at a few of your past e-mails. And the one, with the talk about how most relationships eventually end (referring to ex-MC), and you say, "Relationships are marvelous, wonderful things and in many ways the most important thing we do. But they are also finite most of the time, and that's OK. We feel sad over the ending of a relationship - sometimes emotionally devastated if we are particularly close to the person - but we must always hold within us the understanding that "I'll be OK, and I will have other relationships, and I can feel close and trust people even though there is risk of loss."" And you also included reassurance that you aren't planning to leave, since you figured I'd interpret that way.

I can't seem to read that e-mail response without crying, and today was no different. Like crying in a more positive way, if that makes sense. It's different reading it now because it does seem I'm surviving the loss of ex-MC...in part due to your support, but also maybe in part due to strength I didn't realize I had, that you've helped bring out in me.
See you in a couple hours.
Love,
LT