Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Dear No. 3,

God damn you, OK? Yeah, yeah, you had a couple of mega-screw-ups with me (that still hurt, thanks for not caring), but 90% of the time during our relationship you knew exactly the right note to strike with me. It was why you were so helpful.

Thing is, no other therapist even comes close.

Maybe that’s your biggest screw-up of all.

ATAT

PS no posts in response please

You matter. You definitely matter to me though I may not be good at conveying it.

I know it hurts. We want so much to matter to our therapists.

Remember you said we can do a brofist or a highfive to say hello, if I want?
I was too embarrassed to say "OF COURSE I WANT"

Is it still actual??? I can't ask because I'm afraid you'll say no

Thank you

Just sick of therapy.

I'm broken aren't I. I should just leave so you don't have to see this happening. I actually feel ok anyway. .

I miss you so much that it hurts me. It hurts right now. But can I still tell you that? Can you handle it? Is my pain too much for you?

Dear T,
Trying to decide which specific things to focus on today, but whatever I choose, pretty sure it will be a fairly heavy, intense session. Be good, please. Make me feel safe with you.

Love,
LT

I’m doing that thing again. Testing you. Last time you gave me the reassurance I was looking for. Will you do it this time too, or am I starting to be too much? If I am, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be annoying, I just sometimes need you to show me you’re here for me like you claim to be.

T,

Thank you. So much!! How do you always know what I need? Drumming while we 'wrote' that story out loud together was just the perfect thing. And the jurors in the story? Yeah, they were right. I do know what they are deliberating about. Now to finish writing the story in my own words.... I loved your suggestion to make the TV a portal.

I will do my 'homework' this weekend and do some more reading about my attachment style.

Love,
me

Dear T, How long will I have to talk around *the* topic, before I can finally share it with you?

ok so should I even show up there on Sunday

am I gonna walk into a bomb being dropped on me

have I fudged up for the last time

when is it too much

I feel bad for what I put you through

but I thought you were a safe person

thank you for the life lessons that

no one is safe.

You don't care about me. Just like no one else does. Why should I even come back next week? I know you won't give me an extra appointment before that, no matter how important I say it is. So why should I even try, you clearly don't give a ****.

We've actually been doing this therapy thing for:

1 year, 4 months, 28 days.

When I kept thinking it was 15 months.

I don't think I will end up emailing you over the weekend, but it's still early right now.

If I loved you why do I keep deliberately saying horrible things to hurt you?

Because I want to drive you away, because it will hurt me. I hurt myself because I hate myself.

Dear T,
Sorry for the e-mail, just worried you were thinking I was trying to drop the L-bomb on you--when I wasn't. Why can't you just tell me I can share anything? I know you're probably trying to be careful because of ex-MC, but...I need to feel safe with you. And of course I'm focusing on the 10% weird of holding the stone, not the 90% not-weird. If you gave me a transitional object...what exactly did you expect me to do with it? Put it in the back of my closet? Shouldn't you be glad something you did is giving me comfort? Or was it only OK in the context of my interviews?

Of course, I do love you, but no way in hell I'm ever telling you that! I mean, unless you start sending me very different messages about what is OK to share and feel.

Love,
LT

I really wish you'd respond to this morning's email. But I didn't ask you to and I don't think you're going to. Everything just hurts so much right now and I wish I could give up.

So tired and have to go to my sister's birthday thing and that means getting on the bus that goes to your house and that's making me sad maybe I could just go to your house instead and sit under the tree outside? Okay maybe not.

Oh and this bus goes past T1's place too OF COURSE.

Dear T,
How could you think you weren't implying that??? Are you that clueless about what you're putting out there? Was tempting to send you a long e-mail response, but realized you'd probably just say we should discuss it all Monday. So you get the really short version, while still letting you know it's not all OK.

Love (insecurely),
LT

5 more hours.
I wish I could see you twice a week, but I don't know if you'd be willing to do that and I don't want to seem needy and/or presumptuous by asking.

I'm nervous. We're probably going to have to talk about what happened this weekend. And what I've been doing since then. And I don't really have any answers or explanations.
Please don't be mad at me. Please don't be disappointed in me. I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this.

I made a colossal mistake at work, other than that. . . I was working hard and trying to achieve a goal, but. . . It didn't have anything to do with people. . . It is fixable. . . I was able to try to be compassionate with myself although it was difficult. . .I feel like the village idiot.

I worked through whatever it was I was working through the other day and due to my brain being congested with colossal mistake traffic, I am no longer enlightened by my discovery. I think it was a good realization, whatever it was.

I am working on not being engulfed in worry about what I can't change (although can be fixed). This is really painful to hold, but it doesn't compare to what I've been going through in regard to my reactions to others.

Love you.

Holy crap, it's been quite a week. What's the betting I am not going to be able to look you in the eye when we discuss it? The doctor visit in which she broached the subject of medication was helpful and horrific at the same time, but at least I now know that it is not only in front of you that my inner critic decides they want to come and play.

90 minutes.

Part of me wishes I hadn't told you about needing strict boundaries and for you to not reward my acting out with attention.

On a lighter note, I'm changing back into the sweater I wore yesterday that I got a lot of compliments on and putting on a bit of subtle makeup because I want you to think I'm pretty.

Dear T,
In a bar with H’s blessing, drinking too much beer. I love you....
—LT

I don't even like you anyway, you're stupid and you smell so why would I even care what you do