Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

As of today I have 99 of the 100 clinical hours I need to get my diploma and join the BACP.

I suppose I'll tell you that next week. I hope you'll be proud of me.

T2,

Why don't you reply to my email. You've had enough time to reply. You don't even have to write a long reply, just reply. I said I want you as my regular T again. And you just ignore it. It hurts me so much. I've told you in my email how much I'm hurting. I don't want this attachement to you. I've tried to deal with it, get over it. But you know nothing about it. You can help me by only be my regular T again. You ignoring my email hurts me so much. You know I'm hurting. If you don't want to be my T, then just say it. It would hurt, but then I... Just be open/honest for once.

Woooooooooooo!

Well done Luc- I'm very proud of you!

Thanks Cake

Hi T,

Not doing good with getting yours and pdocs bill...
Nope nope.

You asked me what I needed from you to be able to do this today. I wanted to say that I can rmail if things get really bad, even if you only respond during office hours and only to say that you saw my email and stuff... I’m really really glad I didn’t say that right now because you’d bill the same way and that’d be... even worse.

I wish I could see pdoc and you like every other service provider...

I have had a good day, but now that I'm tired I think of you and I feel sad. What's that about, T? Why does thinking of you make me feel sad?

Feeling drained and angry, on the verge of losing my words again. Glad to be able to feel, but frustrated that it's always the negative feelings that I'm scared of which come to the fore.

Yes, I'm livid, but it's nothing to do with you, and so I don't feel that you deserve to bear my anger.

I'm crying at work

everything is just pointless

why do I even reach out to you

it just makes it so much worse

when you don't respond

I hope you have a nice night.

I'm glad I don't answer phone calls from numbers I don't recognize because now I have a voicemail from you. You just wanted permission to speak to the social worker from the ER, but it makes me feel better to actually have a recording of your voice that I'll probably listen to way too many times. Wow I'm pathetic.

Edit: does this mean I might get to see you before Friday? Or at least talk to you? I wasn't even really thinking about that until the phone call, but now I really want to see you. I'm sad and I'm tired of being sad and I want you to tell me everything is going to be okay.

Edit 2: call me again? Please?

Thank you for being good. You're so good.

I have a burning question that is none of my business.

it's not fair
it's not

I was doing a good job of not obsessing about the countdown until I see you on Friday
and then you called and left a voicemail
and now all I can think about is whether you're going to call me again after you talk to the social worker or whether you're going to wait until Friday
I want to see you now
I hate uncertainty

I can't stop wondering about my question, T. I wonder if you will ever mention it. I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibility, right?

I must know.

I am saying the words. I said I was still struggling with it a little. I am not sure if I am really connected to them. I feel cut off from them and some you. Will I ever believe again? I feel it towards you and I see your response so why are you/it on the other side of the net? Why am I recreating it strand by strand?

I am sorry if I hurt you today.

Stop popping up in my "other people you my know" thing on Facebook, dammit!!

That is all.

You can block her, you know.

please come over and slap the drugs out of my hands, and then slap the **** out of me while you're here

I ****ed up at work
hysterically crying
I left without telling anyone
I'm gonna get in trouble

I'm sorry for being so crazy

Today, your desire to make the political point that even though the # me too movement is complex for me( as a person I trusted is accused in the media and a childhood history ) , it is going to make the world safer and more wonderful for your daughter overrode your desire to be therapeutic . I wasn't looking to have a political debate or discussion of how even though my life was touched by male violence, that your daughter will be more safe and that is worth it. I don't disagree with the point, not at all. Altruistically, I do care that the world is safe for girls once our generation has passed away. Sometimes, rarely but impactingly, you let your cards show. You don't have much skin in the game with your patients, you are pretty detached but you have excellent skills, techniques, and you are quite brilliant in your Ivy League accolade way. Very sharp analytical thinking. But do you care? You care about your family, and I even believe you care about your career/ private practice / work. I don't think you care about me though as a person. Maybe you got carried away by your own fervor for the politics of our times, and didn't mean to give a lecture on why my feelings are wrong , "educating" me on how to view what women have suffered in the past as well worth it if it means men are called on the carpet now, and thus the world is wonderful for your little girl. I didn't talk back, and the session ended after a prolonged dose of your viewpoint. I just wonder, do you fake your empathy for my past encounter with violence, and accidentally dropped your mask, or are you genuinely empathetic usually, and today got carried away by your inner know-it-all I was the smartest kid in my class desire to have the last word( or 1000 words). Can I trust you? Is there any you, or is your therapist hat more like putting a cardboard box over your head, concealing your true identity? Do you have secret contempt, countertransference, or feel defensive as a male therapist treating female trauma victims/ survivors( you say "patients"). I dint know the answers to these questions, but you help me put the puzzle pieces of my experience together, and you are a good psychologist. Today, you weren't though.

Am I imagining a little bit of sadness in your voice in in the voicemail? Does it bother you that I ended up in the ER again? Will I actually get some kind of reaction out of you this time?

Self harm TW (please really heed this one if there's any chance at all that you might be triggered, or if you're at all squeamish or bothered by details of injuries)

Dear T,
You as a person didn't show up in my dream last night, but the sport you play did (in kind of an amusing, random way). Not sure if that counts as a dream about you--probably! I certainly preferred that dream to the other one where I was walking on a dark path, trying avoid cars and bears and falling rocks. Then at the end, after getting through that, I had the chance to climb the Eiffel Tower (like the outside of it, not the stairs). Everyone else was and saying how easy it was (including some friends), but it was just too much for me after the scary walk through the woods, so I said I just wasn't doing it. Clearly an anxiety dream, but maybe with some self-care in there at the end?
Miss you.
Love,
LT

I thought it was like some algorithm thing that big brothered email addresses or something. I'll look into that.

There might have been an element of wanting to take care of you towards the end of the session. Or maybe it was just wanting to protect the part of our relationship that allows for risk-taking. For a minute there I was questioning whether our relationship is really working, but you were able to be honest about what was happening for you and that made a big difference. I love you, you know.