Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I'm a little perplexed that I wasn't more angry with you today. I think it helped that you seemed legitimately quite happy to see me again, and I felt the same way about you. I'm glad I kept a journal of my feelings while you were gone, and I'm even more glad that you agreed to read it before our next session. I'm imagining your hair flying back at some of the parts where I blast you a little. You seem well-prepared to tolerate it and to know where it's coming from, though.

The only place where I ever really felt safe was at the library. I wonder what you would say if I asked if you could read to me. I would choose Fantastic Mr Fox by Dahl.

Maybe I will ask you tomorrow, but I'm scared you will say no.

Child me says she loves you and she wants to marry you.

You said you would hear both the parts equally but I don't think you did.

Damnit.

I was able to avoid everything that felt like it might possibly lead to an episode. FINALLY!! A day without crashing. How odd that I have attachment issues yet the last thing I want is to be around people because it is triggering. It's such a relief to have a normal day.

Dear T,
I hate that I'm so scared to trust your caring. For example, that you seem very invested about whether I get into that PhD program. Part of me thinks, "Yay, you really care!" Especially because, in the beginning, I didn't get that sort of warm and fuzzy feeling that I get from you now. I just figured you were more detached as a therapist in general (which I thought maybe could be a good thing?). But then...it seems now like you genuinely care about me as a person (not just as a source of income). And are being fairly open about that care. Which feels good. Then part of me thinks, "But what if you take it away?" And figures it's only a matter of time till you become sick of dealing with me...

I suspect this is mostly coming from ex-MC. I guess this is something we need to talk about...
Love you,
LT

An email. My finger is hovering over the send button:

I know I couldn't really answer you at the end of the session when you tried to ascertain whether both parts were satisfied with what you'd said.

But almost immediately upon leaving, I have realised, the part of me that liked being given the jasper (this is absolutely a part that Janina Fisher would call an 'attach' part) is upset. Because you suggested that I give it back - an offer calculated to appease the other part (probably 'fight' part), but what about her?

Then it doesn't feel like you heard both parts equally at all, and that is what she was afraid of.

She doesn't want you to be intimidated by the suspicion and anger of the fight part and therefore back away.

I think the reason that she was more present at the end of the session is that she answered your suggestion - you brought her into the room with it. Because she was threatened by it. In fact upon reflection I can see her in the way that I responded - I was childlike in my rejection of the idea.

...and like I said, that kind of offer is too late for the fight part. In fact - it's possible that it just makes her even more suspicious. Hah!

There's also a part that feels a lot of shame about the whole thing. There's always a part feeling deeply ashamed of herself.

I feel so confused. I hate feeling violently conflicting things (even though it's so common for me) and I feel sorry for you because maybe there's really no way of making all the parts feel equally heard.

Uuuuurrrgggghhhhhhhh.

Thank you for today. Thank you for being "my T" and not whoever had been in your place the past few weeks. I missed you. <3

I need you more than you’ll ever know right now. I’d give anything for you to email
me and just say hello, to know you are thinking of me. I just want to sit and be held by you, I want you to stroke my hair and tell me it’s ok.

******it T, get the **** out of my head. This is getting ridiculous.

I hate you I love you I miss you stay away from me who are you anyway you don't exist.

i guess i am glad i didn't stay in angry silence all week and e-mailed you today that a phone call probably wouldn't be helpful this week. i know that if i stayed silent, the anxiety level i would have going into session next week would be out of control. i already know i am going to be really nervous anyway.

Dear T,
Now I feel awkward about e-mailing you to switch from Tuesday to Monday. It really is about going to Qi Gong on Tuesday, not wanting to see you sooner. Trying to find healthy stuff for myself on other days, too... Like I said, I could manage to do both that day, would just be really tight and also eat up most of the day. I know I see you Friday and that will only be 2 days in between (really 3, if you think about it), but I would have done Thursday this week--you just asked me if I could do Friday instead...I think you're just so good at responding to e-mails that I'm like "oh no" that you haven't responded within an hour, when you're probably either seeing clients right now or, like, having dinner with your family...
Love,
LT

PS: I hope you're not sick of me. You seemed to think it was good I opted for Tuesday instead of Monday. Even though...if I then see you that Friday it's like the same amount of time? Do you think I'm being too needy? Scared for no particular reason...Actually, there is a reason, ex-MC. I think I need to talk to you more about that fear...

Anxious to see you tomorrow with the new haircut, I hope it's nothing too drastic that will take time to get used to. I love Tuesdays but I hate them, because it goes to fast and I miss you all week. I really miss going 2x a week. Hate so much that I can't anymore.

Dear T,
Thanks for being willing to switch my day/time next week. The fact that I cried when you said it was fine and were so casual in your response (with your "sound like a plan?") about it suggests that I really need to talk to you about these fears. Before they consume me and I manage to sabotage the relationship or something.
Love you,
LT

I'm mad at you in a very irrational and childish way.
I just want you to make things better. Why can't you fix them? Why can't you make it stop hurting? It hurts. I'm tired and I'm sad and I just want to not be like this anymore. It's not fair.
Do you even care about me?

Why does my brain insist on thinking about you at the weirdest times? I wish you would get out of my head, but at the same time, I'd miss you too much.

M.

I’m really feeling anxious about meeting with you tomorrow.

Something weird happened on my drive home last week.

That one that always slips in to handle my meetings with you slipped back on the drive home. Something came forward and I can’t even journal about it. I’ve journaled around it.

I was also honest with you about what I think is self harm, in view of my other life style habits. I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for my bad choices.

I feel small and scared.

You have always been kind and understanding. You have not judged me that I can remember.

I just feel small and in trouble.

Please don’t get on to me.

Trail.

Grief just hit me really badly. Liked jumped onto my chest feet first in combat boots.

So much going on! Whys it always the way!

Hi t,

What was that? Oo

I shouldn’t have said the things I did and I’m not sure why I did. I hate the parts of my brain that agree with what I told you

I had a nightmare about you and woke up in a sweat

your wife died. you were in a room with other people... crying and mourning

a sign above the door said "authentic people and reactions only"

I felt scared to go in and cry with you. because I wasn't sure if I was being authentic

it was super weird and very vivid

I'm feeling very bad

I want to write you 500 times
I want you to know the pain I feel

it doesn't matter though because
what could you even do to help

and its not your place
to take care of me
anymore

Dear T,
Sorry I'm being so annoying with making sure that you kept me on the schedule for Friday. It's partly because you said "have a good week," so I was afraid maybe you'd thought I wanted Monday instead of Friday (rather than instead of Tuesday). Thanks for confirming, btw. But it's also that I feel sad right now (maybe due to PhD thing?) and kinda scared about my relationship with you. Because you've seemed so caring and keep making it right when you screw up, which should be good things. And they are. But still I'm scared that you'll ultimately hurt me. I think we need to process some of the ex-MC stuff more, because I think that's what's really behind my fears. A friend said how it was like I suffered a trauma with him, and that rang true for me, so maybe we need to address it more in that way.

Hm, and maybe because I also feel like I'm probably ultimately getting rejected from the PhD program, yet they're just waiting to tell me. So maybe that ties into all of this, too. Like I got my hopes up again with that when they interviewed me. Maybe in some ways it's like I'm getting my hopes up about you, too, like maybe you can really help me (well, more than you already have!) and maybe we can have a good therapeutic relationship that doesn't end with me getting hurt.

I guess we need to talk about transference stuff, too. You may have noticed that I started touching on that yesterday, in reference to the "I'm a lot older than you, honey" comment, but then when you asked me to explain it more, I ran away from the topic like a jackrabbit. All "never mind, I'm not sure I can really explain it." When really, it was fear. And I think I needed to confirm we'd still have Friday's session so I can talk about this with you then (and knowing I'd then see you a few days after that, on Monday, to continue the conversation if need be).
Hm, maybe I should just print this out and hand it to you Friday...or part of it, because it's kind of a lot!
Love you,
LT

weekly is the worst, literal hell but I'm gonna have to go to bi weekly soon, I just can't let you be close to me anymore, it's killing me