Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I just hate myself.

I was on my knees
when you knocked me down

Reply to my f***ing email.

So I've found an image that perfectly represents my inner world.
Lister (on the left) is my teenage self, and he's holding my sexuality.
Legion (in the middle, about to be whacked around the head by my sexuality) represents all the other parts of inner-me.
The dummy on the right is how I look to the outside world.
I should email this to you.

I was deliberately horrible to you today.

You said those comments made you feel sad and would change things If I involved others.

If I was truly sorry for the way I act, I wouldn't just end up doing it again.

You said if we were to start from the beginning. You would give me a big hug.

I said you wouldn't because you knew I was dirty.

Why did you agree to let me message you over the weekend?

I can't stand you being nice to me.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Dear t
You said I had a pretty low amount of self esteem.

You feel more present and I don't know what to do with that.

Miss you, need you.

**** **** **** I wish I could unsend that email, I'm so sorry I sent it, don't hate me

I hope you think I'm dead

Thank you for caring so very much.

I really miss you and am kinda struggling, I don't even want to talk to you right now, just feel you, just a hug! This is not me, who am I?!

Thank you for replying so quickly. I'm glad it's ok with you that I sent it. I still feel ****ing crazy though and not sure how I'm going to show my face next week, let alone discuss any of it. I think it's partly the sugar high after restricting for so long. I need to calm it down somehow I'm so on edge right now. I wish I could just undo the whole of today.

That was by far the worst session we've experienced ever. StopDog's quote from the TV show In Session gets to the heart of it: " The client is always wrong . It's a joke, it's a therapist joke.".

Is therapy supposed to be this hard?

Has my transference intensified since we started hugging?

Hey t I wanna continue our discussion from 2 weeks ago ok? See you in a little over 4 hours.

Only one dream this time....

I know it did for me.

I feel like people have control over me because they can make me feel terrified and afraid without even trying. They can make me feel inferior. I totally realize the answer is within me, but this being triggered daily is really getting me down. I don't trust anybody. I feel like a puppet on a string. I feel like I can't be me, that I don't know if there is a me, I don't know who I am. So I feel like I frequently am in the stance of trying to figure out the other person instead of just being me (if a me exists). I am constantly on guard as to how others react to me, and it is killing me.

Yesterday, I felt invalidated (I think?) when you told me that my problem was my sensitivity. It's like when I feel invalidated, and I KNOW that you didn't intend to do that, again, the answer is within me. The problem I have with that explanation is that I have NO idea as to what to do about it. That explanation means that I am going to have to just tolerate this the rest of my life. I feel like an ingrate because you are trying to help me and I am reacting like this. I hate being this way. I hate acting in ways that I don't intend to. I don't get why I can't just stop doing whatever it is that makes me feel inferior/horrible. I am absolutely sensitive, no doubt. I am worried that I am paranoid or am approaching paranoia. How on Earth am I to handle this? How am I going to get through this without ruining my work relationships when I sometimes can't help myself. I don't get this.

T, I am so afraid. I keep seeming to get triggered and that shame is the result and I am just so overwhelmed. I am frantic to have a narrative that helps me calm down, but I just don't get myself. I want SO badly just to say to myself, who cares about what others think, but I CAN'T, I can't do this. I desperately want to, but I just can't. Are you tired of me? Am I too much? I am too much for myself. I am seriously disturbed and I'm afraid that there's nothing I can do about it. I keep going and going, and tolerating and tolerating, and trying to make sense of things ad nauseum. I'm a wreck. I desperately need your help.

I wish you still sent reminder texts. I know you only did for a short time, but I liked getting them. They, like, sorta opened the connection or something before i got there.

I am trying to be rational and remember that you don't hate me and think I'm a f***ng weirdo. It's hard to hold onto that.

I want to run away again...

(((Luco)))
I hope you are okay.

Oops t! I forgot to tell you happy birthday early!

Feeling raw, thank you for being open to today's topic. Heart and brain. I hope we can find a way to make them match. Love you.

I thought I saw love or something in your eyes. I thought you liked me or something.
But I just saw your new photo (you're still too beautiful...) and understood that you're ALWAYS like this. There is always love in your eyes, you're always warm.

So I don't matter. It was silly of me to think that you love me or anything. Sigh

My psychology exam has been brought forward two days earlier, and I haven't been able to study for the past two days. Physically there is nothing wrong with me but I feel so worn out.