Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Laying in bed crying too hard to fall asleep. I need to talk to you. Please, please don‘t also take away that I can call you if I do. I‘m scared. I don‘t want to be alone. I really can‘t deal with this. Grief, being abandoned by friends, struggling with my thoughts, and now you‘ve hurt me more than ever before... I can‘t sit with this for a whole week. Please don‘t be mad at me.

Thanks for chatting with me today. I hope you hear back from your mom. I miss you and I can't wait for my happiest hour a week when I see you

Dear T,
Sorry for the late-night message. Please be kind.
Love,
LT

hi t. i found an attachment style quiz online that seems like it was kinda thorough, so I took it and it scored me as fearful-avoidant. I guess that pretty much explains the constant push-pull in our relationship, huh.

It worked t! The professor gave her ok for me to take the class I need in the fall. I'm glad I didn't give up and decided to ask.

We did some good work yesterday, and if I could I would come for a 2nd session this week tomorrow. Seriously, especially if we could pick up right where we left off. That was some good stuff. I should work on my story some more though. And read some more about my attachment style like you suggested. I'm done with school until my summer class starts at the end of the month so I have some time.

I'm still trying to feel my way here instead of thinking. So here's where I'm at: I really hadn't thought about my grandma all that often anymore (she's been gone a really long time, 40 years now!) until I started seeing you. I'm sure that's where much of my attachment to you comes from. That younger part of me, feels like grandma made her feel, and it's like she has her back and is holding on for dear life and is never going to let go! Add to that the 'other' feelings and it's quite the potent cocktail.

I just realized something else too. You're going to be 68 next week. Grandma was 68 when she died.

I want to email you this tonight but I'm not going to bug you.

oh yeah i love you, you know

hey ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

In an imaginary email exchange with you, your reply back would be to take care of myself this weekend and I'm going to try to do my best. It's 7.43am and I've already cried.

I've agreed to meet up with someone today to study pharmacology. And I've booked a massage for sunday.

>10 days till psychology exam
>31 for pathology

Hi T,

I need you to get my brain to shut up. I can't stand this.

Also, you triggered nightmares

and that's where things get really uncool. Just saying.



Help?

I’m seeing you on Monday for the first time in two long weeks and I’ve convinced myself you’ll cancel, because you hate me and don’t care about me.

Dear T,
Please forgive me. I know the drunk email wasn’t particularly bad but I have this irrational fear that you’ll terminate me. Even though I almost sent a very similar email while mostly sober. Just...please help me. Please? I love you.
—LT
PS—yes, I need to stop drinking.

LT you haven't done anything that needs to be forgiven.

Thanks, Lemon. It's more that I keep bothering him. I should have just sent the long e-mail I typed up (sober) yesterday after session instead of saying I would bring it to session. Part of it was in the e-mail I sent him last night, but I wrote and told him not to respond to that e-mail, so he'll likely take me at my word and not respond (instead of reading between the lines...). Well, unless he reads the drunk e-mail first and responds before noticing my "ignore that!" e-mail.

But I'm really struggling with a lot of this stuff...Yeah, I see him Monday, but that seems far off somehow... I was hoping yesterday would be a reassuring session for me, that we could talk about transference and it would be OK, but it just kind of made me more insecure...since he seemed reluctant to talk about it (even though his e-mail response to me yesterday afternoon said he didn't mean to imply that it wasn't OK to talk about our relationship).

I know how hard counting down to a session can be. It's easy to see that you're feeling very unsettled right now, and it makes perfect sense that you would reach out to him. I wouldn't think twice about emailing if it helped provide some relief. I hope he can give you something to hold on to to get through this weekend, before you see him.

"I will crawl through my past
over stones, blood and glass
in the ruins...

reaching under the fence
as I try to make sense
in the ruins...."

My grandma is part of my past and you are like her and and and....

yeah.

here we go again. except maybe, i think, it just might be, i can hold it myself this time.

Dear T,
I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me (or terminate me).

LT

ETA: Also, please write something back!

I had totally forgotten about my catastrophic snafu from yesterday. Then, I remembered.

He won't LT. He has not said or shown anything that remotely sounds like he would do either one.

Thanks. I just used to believe that of ex-MC--he didn't terminate me, but still really hurt me. And I feel he had a much higher threshold/tolerance for transference and attachment than current T--or at least he was more used to dealing with it. I'm just worried that T feels trapped, that he doesn't want to keep working with me, yet feels obligated to. Even though...when we're in session, I don't get the sense he feels that way. He seems to like talking to me (he didn't even realize when we went 5 minutes over yesterday till I pointed it out). I'm just scared because of the ex-MC stuff...And it's like I don't see why T would want to put up with me, when I have trouble putting up with myself...

I didn't get an appointment reminder email or text

are we even meeting tomorrow

and I get you won't even respond to my email asking

wtf

Seems common on here lately. Wtf is with all the ignoring

well.... I deserve to be ignored so idk

LT I feel like I could have written parts of your post. For now until you can see him trust what you feel, not the voices of fears playing in your head. From what you've posted about Dr T I honestly he comes through on this. But whatever happens know that you are strong enough to get through anything.