Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I don't want to come in thursday
I don't want to come back

welp T, last night was a $hitshow, as i figured. calling in sick though was probably a good option for today. sigh.

I'm sad and tired.

Dear T,
OK, apparently I have some paternal transference for you (I know, shocker!) based on my reaction to your response to my PhD interview e-mail. It just felt...different than hearing back from my friends, H, or even the brief phone call with my mom. Something about the "nice job" in particular just hits me in a certain spot. Like, "Yay, you're proud of me." Or something like that. I guess that's the flip side of the shame thing, in a way...Stuff to discuss Thursday. And also maybe some techniques for me to not freak out during the 4 hours I'll be on campus...particularly during the lunch part. (Or maybe I'll save that for Monday's session--or perhaps both).
Love,
LT

I'm sad you are sick again. Thank you for texting with me though, you are awesome. I miss you tons, see you Thurs, hopefully.

Dear T,
I thought maybe things weren’t good at home maybe that’s why you’ve been acting weird so today I decided to check and see if you were still wearing the wedding band ( yep you were) I Know it sounds weird me wondering why you are acting so strange lately and me thinking does she have troubles at home is that why she acts weird? I really disliked the way I tried you tell you things and again you just went hmm hmm and weren’t really listening and then when you finally paid attention you said oh ya that’s totally normal to feel those feelings. I also didn’t appreciate the way you hurried the session along like there was a fire or something. I am here overthinking things like why did you hurry me out why did you not listen to me? I really wish that waitlist would hurry up for me getting a new T because here I am again overthinking.

I need to work through what we talked about last time tomorrow. I realize I need to work on myself so I can feel better and I feel a lot of shame about that along with everything else I am failing at. I feel like I have to climb an infinite amount of stairs and I'm overwhelmed.

https://goo.gl/images/VXMwco

One stair at a time...you can do it!

Dear T,

I’m ok.

I’m hoping my situation will pass or get better. I’m kinda ‘stuck’ sitting in my chair atm.
But sometimes i feel bad in the evening and think well, if something happens I just want u to be able to remember how I feel. It comforts me to write, “I care about u,” at the time.

I’ve reread some of my previous emails to you and thought, that sounds seductive.
But that’s not how I mean it at all.

Maybe that’s why a few of my previous therapists sexualized our relationship bc they thought I was being seductive. They mixed their own transference feelings or interpretations into our relationship. But I think these feelings come from my younger self. I don’t believe previous therapists understood that.

I love you, please don't be mad.

After 8 years i am thinking of taking a break, but it is physically painful to be separated by the 2 week interval already, how would i be for a longer stretch?

Why am I scared to see you?

Is it because I'm afraid you will have changed after these five months? Am I afraid you've forgotten me, or at least forgotten things about me and the things we've worked on? Am I scared to tell you how bad things got while I was gone? Maybe I'm afraid that all these things I've kept from you, even well before these five months, will spill out and you'll be mad at me?

I think I just answered my own question. Sigh.

I was talking to H about my decision from yesterday morning, and his response was, "this sounds like a good thing to talk about on Friday in therapy."

It made me kind of sad. I guess I miss you.

I'm seeing u today and I hope it goes well. Better than the last two times. I hope I talk enough for u today lol...... -_-

2 more days.
I'm considering bringing in some photos from my childhood and adolescence to show you feelings and emotions and relationships that are difficult to explain using words. I think it might help you understand better if you could see it.
Would you think that was stupid? Can I trust you with sharing something that means a lot to me, and trust that you won't think it's silly? If I do and it seems like you don't understand or appreciate how meaningful the pictures and the fact that I shared them with you are, I would feel rejected and stupid.
Last week I told you about how my mom was terrible at pretending to be interested in or impressed by the things that were important to me, and that I learned not to show her the things I was proud of or that were meaningful to me because that set me up for disappointment.

I think part of the reason I have this strong desire to bring in pictures that are emotionally significant to me this week is to test that with you. To see whether you will think something is important because it is important to me. To see whether you think it's silly that it's important to me.
I've been considering bringing in pictures for days, but it wasn't until just now, writing out my concerns about your reaction, that I realized how much it's directly related to what I revealed last week. Would you realize that? Would you understand how significant it was for our relationship that I was willing to trust you with this? Would you appreciate that trust? Or would you just be humoring me?

Your wife is so lucky. And your friends. Your loved ones

........

Well I probably inadvertently made our break another week longer than it needed to be. Great.

Pathophysiology exam dates have been released.

I wish you weren't away. I'm really depressed.

I love you. And it wears me out.

love you, miss you.

T - I wonder if it's time for me to move on. I really like you. You've been of tremendous help and support with a few things, especially around ex-t. I trust you, in some areas. I know you care about me and have my best interests in mind, as my therapist. But the power imbalance is too present. I feel like a business transaction.

Last week you said the client-therapist relationship should be a close one. How am I supposed to let myself get close to you so I that can open up when I feel so much distance coming from you sometimes? I just don't get our relationship. I don't know how to 'just be' with you. I'm too reserved because I feel you are too on guard. I feel like you feel you have to be extremely cautious with me so I don't report you, too. I feel like a big trouble maker with the plague. It sucks. I didn't ask for this. I know you didn't either. I guess the best solution is to talk to you about this...if only I could. So I'll probably quit. IDK.
AH

Dear T,
I see we meet again ( sorry for ranting and raving) I left your office yesterday and you cheerily said I will call call the pharmacy to get your your celexa refilled okay done no problem and today I thought my phone would be blowing up with text messages from my pharmacy saying it was ready ( nope never got one) I called the pharmacy saying is my prescription ready? They said what prescription?? My doctor was supposed to call it in and I explained the medication and the pharmacist said no we never received a phone call but we do have your prescription on file and it says no refills would you like us to her and get it refilled? I said yes!! I’m so mad and confused right now first you said you call in the prescription and then you never did and I here im confused thinking wait why didn’t she just give me a prescription? I have a billion scenarios in my head and I just can’t shake them. I am thankful I had a few pills left but what if I didn’t?

Everythings falling apart at once