[LabRat27]

So I know this topic has been made a bunch of times, but I'm trying to work my way up to it and I'm terrified.
I've only been seeing my therapist for a few months, but the attachment is getting stronger, and I know that the longer I see him the stronger it's going to get. If he's going to have a negative reaction and decide that I'm too much to handle or that he doesn't want to deal with it I'd much rather it happen now than later when it would only hurt more.

I'm considering printing off this article, highlighting the most relevant bits, putting a post it note on it explaining that, while it's not quite at that extreme yet, that I know based on past patterns that it probably will get to this point and that if he doesn't want to deal with it then I understand and I won't hold it against him, but I'd rather know sooner rather than later.
Then handing it to him and telling him I'll be sitting on the floor hiding behind my chair while he reads it and that he'll understand why once he reads it and he can decide to let me know once he's done reading it whether he wants to discuss it.
Attachment to Therapist: A Primer

I definitely don't think I could say it out loud or be looking at him while he reads it. I think I need to hide and wait for it to be over with, if that makes sense. He doesn't do email, so this is the next best thing I think.
My next appointment is Friday, so I have the entire week to panic and second guess myself about this.

For those who have told their therapists or had their therapists figure it out, how did it go? How did your therapist react? Did your therapist seem shocked or unprepared to handle it? What happened after?

[growlycat]

I think attachment is more common than not in therapy. Reading stories here on pc can be scary but I think most therapist expect it, even see it as a sign that therapy is going well. The stories you see here are usually badly trained therapists, inexperienced therapists, or t’s with really cold personalities that just don’t want to deal with icky emotions (they are in the wrong field). Talking with your t about it makes sense

[DP_2017]

I just stated i felt a bond with him. A few sessions later he said i was strongly attached. He's been ok with it. Yes it is scary. Stories here make it scarier but you gotta trust your relationship with your t. Hope he takes it well

Consider writing it out and he can read it. Might be easier

[lucozader]

I told my previous T that I had 'erotic transference', including very strong feelings of love for him and attraction to him - though I didn't exactly use those words. I found the whole thing extremely embarrassing and I tended to go into twelve-year-old mode. He took it well, didn't seem remotely shocked or disturbed or unable to handle it. Then things went horribly wrong for other reasons - at least I think for other reasons? - but that's a different story.

Since the bulk of my current T's role when I first started seeing him was hearing my anguish over everything that happened with T1, he always knew there was a good chance of me becoming very attached to him, too. And I have (though [mostly] without the ET). He is aware of it and also seems unfazed by it. Actually he seems to treat it as he does everything else I bring - with compassion and understanding. Having said that, I guess he's not fully aware of the extent of it. It's something I plan to talk more about, if I can be brave enough!

I know it's really hard to talk about this stuff. I do think it's very, very unlikely that your T will be in any way shocked by it or unable to handle it. As growlycat says, it's common.

I hope your session on Friday goes well - we'll have your back!

[LabRat27]

I mean, there's attachment and then there's attachment. I know some degree of attachment is expected, but I'm talking about attachment like "I fall asleep every night imagining you holding me in your arms" level of attachment (platonic, not erotic).

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think first I just told my T that 'I really like' him. Then a bit after that I started talking about how scared I am that he will abandon me, hurt me, and so on. I never explicitly stated that I am attached, but he still seems to get it, since he asks things like whether my mood swings are connected to his vacation or since he will offer to see me on another day if my usual session day falls on a holiday (things which he did not do before we started talking about these things).

Overall, he seems very comfortable with the idea that clients get attached to him. As others have said, it's pretty common. He didn't really comment on it too much. We can always talk about it. Sometimes if I talk about something different, he will also ask whether it might be connected to being attached to him.

[DP_2017]

I get you op. I'm deeply attached. My t and I talk at least 2x a week outside session. I feel myself spiraling some of the days he and i dont talk. Constantly think about him and want to talk with or be with him. I get it. Its awful

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I mean, there's attachment and then there's attachment. I know some degree of attachment is expected, but I'm talking about attachment like "I fall asleep every night imagining you holding me in your arms" level of attachment (platonic, not erotic).

I think this is more common than you might think. Over time I have been very explicit about my level of attachment to my T, and she has been totally comfortable with exploring my feelings. No flinching at all. There was a time when I thought I verged on obsessive, and she was really understanding. She was mostly concerned by how distressed I was about my feelings toward her. She was very clear that it's okay to feel intense things toward a person who is caring and attentive, particularly given my history.

I think she sees my attachment as a sign that therapy is working and taking me to deeper, more vulnerable places where I can heal core wounds. It's good stuff, even though it can be pretty uncomfortable for the client. And I agree that you're wise to find out sooner rather than later whether your T is trained and personally capable of doing intense attachment work. If he isn't, then it sounds like he might not be the T for you.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I mean, there's attachment and then there's attachment. I know some degree of attachment is expected, but I'm talking about attachment like "I fall asleep every night imagining you holding me in your arms" level of attachment (platonic, not erotic).

I still believe that is more common that people think. It is a matter vie trope for a reason.

My advice would be to start small. When I first told my T it was just that I was attached and afraid she would abandon me. That was SO HARD but she was super cool about it and kind of already knew but appreciated me bringing it up so we talked about that and it made it easier to bring it up in the future whenever it becomes an issue. I fight against any serious attachment so when I start acting out, it's usually attachment related and we go from there. I have some pretty serious sisterly feelings toward her and is something that we explore fairly often.

[chihirochild]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It is a matter vie trope for a reason.

Help I’m undereducated—what does “matter vie trope” mean?

[MoxieDoxie]

Why do we have to tell them about our attachments? What are the benefits?

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

For those who have told their therapists or had their therapists figure it out, how did it go? How did your therapist react? Did your therapist seem shocked or unprepared to handle it? What happened after?

For me... train wreck. Most dysfunctional thing i have ever experienced.

I don't even know what it means for a therapist to "handle" such a thing.

I think this kind of situation is perilous. Your well-being is in the hands of a hired hand who's on a pedestal, and if they respond with rejection or shaming or misattunement, could send you into a spiral. And you have no control over the situation, because you are fully exposed and fully invested, while the therapist likely does not have a dog in the fight and could just check out on the whole thing if they choose.

Jeffrey Smith seems like a nice guy, but might have drunk the kool-aid when he says things like: "Attachment to a therapist is one of the healthiest things that can happen to a person caught in such a tangle of feelings."

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

So I know this topic has been made a bunch of times, but I'm trying to work my way up to it and I'm terrified.
I've only been seeing my therapist for a few months, but the attachment is getting stronger, and I know that the longer I see him the stronger it's going to get. If he's going to have a negative reaction and decide that I'm too much to handle or that he doesn't want to deal with it I'd much rather it happen now than later when it would only hurt more.

I'm considering printing off this article, highlighting the most relevant bits, putting a post it note on it explaining that, while it's not quite at that extreme yet, that I know based on past patterns that it probably will get to this point and that if he doesn't want to deal with it then I understand and I won't hold it against him, but I'd rather know sooner rather than later.
Then handing it to him and telling him I'll be sitting on the floor hiding behind my chair while he reads it and that he'll understand why once he reads it and he can decide to let me know once he's done reading it whether he wants to discuss it.
Attachment to Therapist: A Primer

I definitely don't think I could say it out loud or be looking at him while he reads it. I think I need to hide and wait for it to be over with, if that makes sense. He doesn't do email, so this is the next best thing I think.
My next appointment is Friday, so I have the entire week to panic and second guess myself about this.

For those who have told their therapists or had their therapists figure it out, how did it go? How did your therapist react? Did your therapist seem shocked or unprepared to handle it? What happened after?

I want to thank you for posting the link to the article about attachment. I never read that one and it's excellent! As far as my experience, with the exception of my first T, because I didn't have a clue about attachment or transference, I told them about my attachment and it was always okay. They never explained it too well ( it always about unmet needs from my past) so I was somewhat embarrassed and didn't talk about it much.

My current T does Internal Family Systems so she welcomed my child parts who attached to her, and even the teenage part who felt like she was in love with her. I used to be embarrassed but I've been seeing my T for ,8 years so I'm more relaxed about my attachment to her, and can even say "I love you" to her. It's a closeness, not a sexual kind of love.

I hope it goes well for you. I think it's rare for a T NOT to accept and understand attachment these days. It's normal.

My T initially thought I meant romantic love when I told her I loved her. That was messy and painful.

She accepts my attachment and I think she has an idea of the pain. I asked her if she ever felt someone was hugely important to her but knew she's not important to that person. She said she does. So I think she understands a little.

She's not attached to her own therapist, according to her. She believes my attachment is due to my unmet emotional needs. I tried really hard to tell her that those unmet emotional needs makes the feelings intense.

It's difficult to talk about attachment with her because of how ashamed I am about it. She's been understanding and kind but also expressed discomfort given how it's "unusual" and "not common" for a client to express these feelings to her. I told her that it's likely that other long term clients feel attachment and such feelings but perhaps don't bring it up because they're afraid to.

[the forgotten]

So sorry you are in the midst of this. I am too, just a few steps ahead. And you are not the only soul who has dreamt of serious cuddle sessions with their T (I sure have).

I am glad you found that article. I have read hundreds and it is only one of two that explained things so well that I could not only understand but embrace and have some self compassion about.

Many of us are telling our horror stories, but please do not allow that to dishearten you. There are many great therapists who can handle these feelings with kindness and understanding.

My T has really not handled it great. She hurt my feelings deeply. I believe I have hurt her in return, but neither of us is addressing the rupture. I have given it a few sessions to see what she might say. Nothing. I have even given her little clues, like I am not doing well, considering terminating therapy, etc. And still, nothing.

You are strong and courageous. I know you can tap into that and the right words will come out in session. Even though mine has been rocky, I do feel proud for being so brave and vulnerable. My T's horrendous reaction is not my fault or my responsibility.

[Merope]

Ah, I love this topic. I’m in the “I fall asleep at night fantasising that you platonically hold me” attachment group. It took me months to muster up the courage to tell him. The first time around, I told him I see him as a parent figure. A few sessions later, I used the phrase “I’m attached to you”. Both times he took it really well: just smiled and told me it’s normal. He was very accepting and kind about the whole thing (though I never alluded to the extent of my attachment. He doesn’t, for example, know that I sometimes sigh at his picture on the internet, or that I wrote him a drunk email confessing my undying child-like love (though thankfully I didn’t send it—I think I might have never crawled back out of my rabbit hole if I did)). He does, however, know that I’m afraid he’ll abandon me because sometimes he reassured me that he won’t.

Thank you for the link to that article, btw—great read.

[MoxieDoxie]

What are the age difference? I am 51 and he is 30 something and the inner child does not care. It just wants a loving caring parent to take care of it no matter the age. I am also in the that attachment group daydreaming about him taking care of me the way I should have been as a child. When that child part is activated I do not move forward in my adult life. Life becomes stagnant, painful and at times I hate how I feel and just do not want to exist anymore.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

What are the age difference? I am 51 and he is 30 something and the inner child does not care. It just wants a loving caring parent to take care of it no matter the age. I am also in the that attachment group daydreaming about him taking care of me the way I should have been as a child. When that child part is activated I do not move forward in my adult life. Life becomes stagnant, painful and at times I hate how I feel and just do not want to exist anymore.

I'm 23, he's in his 50s. The people I've developed this attachment to have all been adult men who were quite a bit older than me.

I'm sorry you're going through that right now.

[Chummy2]

I have attachment to my previous T. She works at the same practise as my current T. Two years ago she went on a leave and I had to start therapy with e new T. Even after prevT got back to work, I stayed with current T. I thought she didn't wanted me back as a client since I didn't heard from her. I've had some sessions with prevT, for ''closure''.

I told prevT about my attachment when I was still having weekly sessions with her. It was very hard. She didn't really seem to want to talk about it. Everytime I tried to bring it up, she somehow steered the conversation in an other direction. So I got afraif to talk about it. And now I still have attachment to her. I don't know how deal with it. It's so hard for me and it seems like my T's don't really know how to deal with it either.

I hope it will go better gor you. I know it's best to talk about this attachment, but many T's don't know how to handle it.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Why do we have to tell them about our attachments? What are the benefits?

I'll take a stab at this. I think sometimes the feelings of attachment become the elephant in the room, and it gets hard to talk about anything else until it's been brought out into the open.

With good T's, I also think it can alleviate any feelings of shame or worries about inappropriateness of feelings, especially for clients who are less familiar with transference and don't understand how natural and common it is. Or who don't understand how unmet needs from childhood come to the surface in therapy, so of course we have child-like feelings sometimes.

And then, it could lead to discussions about those unmet needs that are feeding into the transference. I talked to my T about my clingy, childish feelings and he helped identify that I had not had a trusted adult to talk to about the bad things going on in my life at certain ages. This was true because I hid so much from my parents, but I did have loving parents, so I would not have expected to have this transference. It was useful to talk about it and see that I had indeed had a need that had not been met at the time -- though I don't blame anyone for this, it just happened.

And lastly I think that discussing most emotions can help lessen their intensity, and clients really suffer with transference sometimes, so that's quite necessary to make therapy tolerable for some of us.

[LabRat27]

I'm doing it.

I printed out most of the article (the most relevant bits), and marked and highlighted the relevant parts. I wrote out a note as a "cover letter" that says I don't necessarily agree with the author about everything and I don't know if he's right about the solution, but he did a good job describing the problem.

I'm going to ask him to read it while I sit on the floor behind my usual chair (an armchair) so that I don't have to look at him and he can't look at me. Yes, I'm really going to do this, and I'm going to refuse to let him read it unless it's under this condition. I can't bear the idea of him seeing me react to his rejection.

I also attached a note at the end saying that if my past attachment that followed this pattern was a 10, my current attachment to him is a 2-3, but of therapy continues then it will likely get stronger. I said I understand if he feels that he can't or shouldn't work with me in light of this, but that I'd really rather find out now when it's at a 2-3.
I requested that if that's the case, he not dance around the issue and just tell me straight out, preferably while I'm not looking at him and he can't see me (that is, while I'm still hiding behind my chair).

I intentionally kept myself from being manipulative. There's nothing passive aggressive or indicating how much it will hurt if he decides he can't work with me (other than the one request that he tell me when I'm out of his line of sight). I resisted the urge to put in anything about how much I've trusted him so far or anything guilt tripping about being too pathetic or too needy. Those are all things that we can discuss if he decides he still wants to be my therapist after reading this. If not, then it's not his problem, and I don't want to guilt him into not terminating.

And now I get to panic for the next 20 hours. Debating whether or not to give myself permission to take a benzo beforehand. I've told myself they're "for emergencies only," given my sobriety from alcohol and their potential for abuse. I just haven't decided whether or not this will qualify.

[mostlylurking]

Good for you LR, and good luck. Take deep breaths while you are behind the chair.

I can't speak to the addictive / abuse potential of benzos but I will just say, I have only taken ativan I handful of times in the past couple of years and the occasions were: 2-3 times during the week when my mother almost died, and three times due to therapy issues. So, it might seem like therapy stress is not major but in my experience it can be for some of us. It just taps into really deep things.

[LabRat27]

Thank you for the reassurance/support it's really helped to know I'm not alone in this.

I've taken benzos before as prescribed for really intense anxiety/emergencies related to grad school stress/the fear that I'd be kicked out of my PhD program. I think I'll see if I can make it through the time leading up to the meeting without my anxiety interfering with my work. I'll have one in my purse though, that way if his response is rejection then I can take it when I leave the office so it will have time to start working and kick in soon after I get home, reducing the likelihood of me doing something stupid and self destructive.

Self harm TW:

Possible trigger:

I'm also aware of my desire to hurt myself right now as a defense mechanism. The reason I've been abstaining from self harm is that he wanted me to. I've never tried to quit before. So it's like a preemptive defense against the potential rejection: "See, if I really trusted you and wanted this therapy to work then I wouldn't have self harmed. Self harming shows I didn't care that much and wasn't fully invested anyway. I never truly let myself get my hopes up."

[the forgotten]

Sending good energy your way. May you be treated kindly and with compassion. Will be here waiting to hear how it went.