[mostlylurking]

As some of you know, I was recently terminated by my ex T, one month ago today actually. I've not begun to get over it, if anything I've been getting worse. A couple of days ago a friend recommended her T to me, and even though I don't really like the idea of therapy anymore, I can see I am not functioning well and I have to do something. So, I called, and I have an appointment on Monday.

It was excruciating leaving the initial phone message. Saying I was terminated by my last T made me feel really ashamed and like she'll not want me as a client, because who knows what I must have done to deserve that. I said I realized that could be tricky so I would understand if she'd rather not see me. But when she called back she said she is entirely comfortable talking to me about it, no problem. Which was helpful.

Still though, I've been trying to imagine being in a new T's office and it feels like it will just bring this shame I am feeling to a really acute point. All I can really envision is sitting down and bawling and wishing I was invisible for 50 minutes.

At the same time, I feel slightly more hopeful just having done something. And because I'm now imagining how to explain what happened to this new T, and I'm thinking it through a lot, I had an epiphany of sorts. When I was a kid in school and getting picked on -- something I talked to my ex T a lot about, because years of social rejection had left me with a lot of issues -- I typically felt confused and befuddled as to what I had done to disgust people and make them despise me. Well, that's how my ex T has made me feel all over again. I don't know what I did to disgust him -- but it seems like I did -- and I feel lost and confused and ashamed. No wonder the "child parts" acted up so intensely after this happened, it paralleled some of those bad experiences.

So, it's been a bit helpful just to set up the appointment, but I'm worried that if the new T comes across as wondering what I did wrong, I will just be hurt all the more. I already feel like I'm in the wrong somehow, I don't need more scrutiny along the lines of "Yes, what is wrong with you anyway?" It just feels like a huge risk.

Has anyone had a positive experience with a new T after a bad break-up with an ex T?

[ElectricManatee]

I haven't had anything nearly this intense happen with a therapist, but I want to say that I think it's brave and awesome that you're trying again. I saw a "new" backup T on Wednesday, and it was startling how easy it was to open up to her now that I am a veteran client. I was crying or almost-crying for most of the session with this total stranger, and I felt oddly comfortable with it. So it might be easier than you think, especially if this new T is a good fit for you.

It seems unlikely that this T is going to want to pin the blame on you for what happened with your former T. Blame doesn't seem like a terribly useful construct in healing painful things like what happened to you. But since you know going in that assigning blame won't be useful, you can use that as criteria to screen her out if she goes there and won't respond to your attempts to re-direct. Therapists can be wrong too, as you have so painfully learned.

Best of luck to you! I hope you can get this all sorted out and start feeling better soon.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My ex-T abandoned me 3 years ago. I knew I couldn't survive it on my own, so I looked for a new T. First T I saw wasn't the right fit, so after 3 sessions I quit. Then I found current T. The beginning for us was really rough. I didn't trust her after what my ex-T did, and she felt like the bad guy and stuck in the middle of my ex-T and me. But after some time, things finally settled in. I still didn't trust her. Not for about 2 years. But I trusted her enough to keep trying. And I'm glad I did. I've been with her for 3 years now. She has helped me so much. She never judged me for what ex-T did. She plans on being my T until she retires which won't be for a long time.

[lucozader]

I stopped seeing my previous T just over six months ago and have been seeing a different T since. I wasn't terminated, I chose to leave, but it was definitely not a happy ending. I was extremely attached to him and extremely hurt by what had taken place.

Current T has been great. Really patient and understanding in helping me work through what went on with T1, and just... not like him at all, in all the right ways.

There were some wobbles at first. Here is an early session, for example... But I am so glad that I found him.

[JaneTennison1]

Yes. I had 2 awful ex t and thought for sure a new t would blame me. She has been wonderful and kind and listened to everything. Maybe all of them aren't bad.

[lucozader]

Oh, and I should add - I hope this new T will work out similarly well for you!

[lilypeppermint]

Well I think you’ve taken a brave and important step. I would think your new T will just be concerned about how to help you through this, rather than looking to judge you. I really hope it goes well.

[maybeblue]

I think it is awesome that you are trying again. I also think it's good that you are seeing a female therapist this time. I don't mind either male or female, but the sessions "feel" different if that makes sense, and I think you need for it to feel different.

You probably will cry and you probably will feel shame...not that you *should* feel it. I just know I would. If she's good she will validate your feelings and help you understand this was not your fault. There was something wrong with him that he dumped you like that. Not you. If after a session or two it doesn't feel good with her, then I hope you try someone else. There are good ones out there and one of them will be a good fit for you.

[Anastasia~]

(((ML)))--
YES, I did find an awesome T after PreviousT. He has really helped me with so much and continues to do so. I really hope this T can help you process the termination -- if she works for you. My T let me talk about PreviousT as much as I needed, and he supported me and validated my emotions. You have a lot of knowledge about therapy, and you can make a good decision whether she is right for you or not. I really am so hopeful for you!!!

If you do feel like bawling, do just that. If you want to be invisible for the 50 minutes, tell her that, too. I hope all goes well!! Please keep us posted

[here today]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

. . .
At the same time, I feel slightly more hopeful just having done something. And because I'm now imagining how to explain what happened to this new T, and I'm thinking it through a lot, I had an epiphany of sorts. When I was a kid in school and getting picked on -- something I talked to my ex T a lot about, because years of social rejection had left me with a lot of issues -- I typically felt confused and befuddled as to what I had done to disgust people and make them despise me. Well, that's how my ex T has made me feel all over again. I don't know what I did to disgust him -- but it seems like I did -- and I feel lost and confused and ashamed. No wonder the "child parts" acted up so intensely after this happened, it paralleled some of those bad experiences.

So, it's been a bit helpful just to set up the appointment, but I'm worried that if the new T comes across as wondering what I did wrong, I will just be hurt all the more. I already feel like I'm in the wrong somehow, I don't need more scrutiny along the lines of "Yes, what is wrong with you anyway?" It just feels like a huge risk.

Has anyone had a positive experience with a new T after a bad break-up with an ex T?

I wish you the best of luck!!

I can really identify with what you wrote. I didn't feel rejected at school but did, finally, uncover/recover feeling rejected by my mom and other older female relatives when I around I was 5 or so, maybe earlier, too. That feeling was apparently dissociated or denied away, but was triggered by my last T when she responded to me like those female relatives and did reject me, "did not have the emotional resources" to deal with me. I've tried a couple of other T's but not found anyone I felt could help.

Please let us know how things work out for you!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

So, it's been a bit helpful just to set up the appointment, but I'm worried that if the new T comes across as wondering what I did wrong, I will just be hurt all the more. I already feel like I'm in the wrong somehow, I don't need more scrutiny along the lines of "Yes, what is wrong with you anyway?" It just feels like a huge risk.

Why do it then? It was the most dysfunctional and degrading thing i have ever done. I let my equilibrium and sense of self be dictated by the strongly biased opinions of a series of strangers whose dictums were baseless in the end. Plus, it perpetuated the core problem... seeking external validation from false gurus.

[LabRat27]

I can understand how that would be incredibly stressful and hurtful. I really hope things do well with the new T and you're able to talk to her about it. When is your appointment?

When things ended badly with my first therapist a decade ago, she told me no other therapist would be willing to put up with me. It wasn't as painful as what you're going through because I wasn't attached to her, but I definitely believed it for a long time.

One of the things that helped was that my current T is that he's nothing like her. Different gender, different degree, different personality, different way of thinking, different dynamics, etc.

I still have that fear though. I kept warning him that I could be "too much" and asking if he was sure he was willing to work with me. I emphasized that if he wasn't sure I'd really rather he referred me out at the beginning, rather than giving it a try and then deciding he couldn't work with me.
It's only been 3-4 months, but last session I told him all the absolute worst stuff that I thought might make him terminate, and told him I'd understand if he did but to please, if he wasn't sure he could handle it, terminate now, because it would be really hard for me if we kept working together and then eventually somewhere down the line he decided he'd made a mistake, especially if he'd told me now that that wouldn't be the case and I trusted him.
He understood all of that, and didn't terminate. This week I'm planning to ask him what circumstances would make him terminate.

Trying to get the "worst" out in the beginning has helped me relax a little. It was terrifying to be wondering if he would terminate if he knew or found out these things, so I got it over with and got it all out there. Now I feel more secure knowing there aren't any secrets or surprises left on my end.

I don't know how long you saw your old T or how much they already knew from the beginning, so I'm not saying you concealed anything or that concealing something would make this your fault somehow. And obviously my T could still end up unexpectedly terminating despite his assurances so far. But these are just the things that have made me feel safer in trusting him.

I really hope things go well with your new T.

[Out There]

That's a brave step and I hope it goes well for you. I went to a new T after an extremely damaging T , in fact we're still working when that damage comes up sometimes. Is this new T more familiar with your issues than the previous T who maybe thought he wasn't able to help with them ? There is that saying " when one door closes another opens " although it's difficult to see it sometimes. Good luck and let us know how it goes !

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I haven't had anything nearly this intense happen with a therapist, but I want to say that I think it's brave and awesome that you're trying again. I saw a "new" backup T on Wednesday, and it was startling how easy it was to open up to her now that I am a veteran client. I was crying or almost-crying for most of the session with this total stranger, and I felt oddly comfortable with it. So it might be easier than you think, especially if this new T is a good fit for you.

It seems unlikely that this T is going to want to pin the blame on you for what happened with your former T. Blame doesn't seem like a terribly useful construct in healing painful things like what happened to you. But since you know going in that assigning blame won't be useful, you can use that as criteria to screen her out if she goes there and won't respond to your attempts to re-direct.

That's a good point, maybe I will fall easily into my "therapy client" self even though the T and the office are different. I suppose that many of us get better at finding our feelings and bringing them forward, so hopefully I can still do that and get some relief.

I agree that blame doesn't seem very therapist-like, at any rate not in the first session surely? But if that were to happen, you're right, I can just not go back because that's not a T I would want.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Why do it then? It was the most dysfunctional and degrading thing i have ever done. I let my equilibrium and sense of self be dictated by the strongly biased opinions of a series of strangers whose dictums were baseless in the end. Plus, it perpetuated the core problem... seeking external validation from false gurus.

Well, other than the ending ( ... "But other than that, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?"), I found therapy with my ex T to be extremely helpful.

And now I am in a place where I'm crying all the time, have social anxiety and feelings of shame, and am driving outside town to run errands wherever possible (like the grocery store 15 minutes away instead of 5 minutes) out of fear of running into ex T. And none of this is improving. So, I'm trying this out because therapy has helped me before and honestly I don't know what else to do.

I get validation from a lot of places, some from myself but a lot from friends and loved ones. And definitely from this forum, in the past month! But I thought that getting some acceptance from a T might be particularly useful to help with being shunned by a T. Kind of like fighting fire with fire.

[LonesomeTonight]

My experience isn't quite like yours, in that I was still seeing my marriage counselor when I started with my current T about 8 months ago. But I was seeing him in part to deal with that relationship, the transference and attachment, which ex-T hadn't really helped me with. I was concerned when I learned (just before our first session) that T used to work with MC--was afraid it would make him be biased toward MC. I will say, in the beginning, T seemed a bit skeptical of some of what I was saying about MC.

But then while seeing T, ex-MC and I had a major rupture that ultimately led to the end of our therapeutic relationship. At first, T seemed to understand why MC reacted the way he did, which was difficult. But then, as I talked to him more about it--and also told him what I needed right then (support, not seeing MC's perspective)--T seemed to understand my side of things. And ultimately became very supportive (and actually fairly critical of ex-MC). It took a little time though--it's like we had to build up trust on either side, if that makes sense. Like, he'd known MC for 15 years, so it made sense that he wouldn't immediately accept negative things a brand new client was saying about him. But then...the more I shared things with him (including some e-mails from MC), it's like he started to get it. And now he seems very much in my corner. He's not perfect, but when he does mess up (hurts or offends me), he's very open to feedback and willing to admit fault, which is basically the opposite of MC.

So I'd suggest, if this new T seems to have some potential, to give her (him?) some time. If you've trusted one T for so long, then got hurt, it can be really difficult to start trusting a different one. I'm really glad I stuck it out with T after a somewhat rocky first month or so. He seems like a completely different therapist to me now, nearly 8 months later, than he did on, say, day 30.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

My experience isn't quite like yours, in that I was still seeing my marriage counselor when I started with my current T about 8 months ago. But I was seeing him in part to deal with that relationship, the transference and attachment, which ex-T hadn't really helped me with. I was concerned when I learned (just before our first session) that T used to work with MC--was afraid it would make him be biased toward MC. I will say, in the beginning, T seemed a bit skeptical of some of what I was saying about MC.

Speaking from the position I'm in now, LT, I think this was so brave of you to go forward, speak about your experience, and trust that any bias your T had would work itself out. And I'm glad it did!

My new (prospective) T went through the exact same MSW program as ex T but she graduated 2 years earlier, and it's a 16- or 24- month program, so she would have just missed him. Still, they have both been practicing in the same town for 25+ years, so it's not unlikely they know of each other, though they may not know each other personally. (Whenever I mentioned another local T, like the T of a friend, to ex T, he was always interested to know who it was. Which I though was kind of awful -- like gossip. But I bet it's true to life, they all get to know each other.) And that has been concerning me.

I think I'll try to withhold his first name, but just not worry about it if it comes out. If I see her several times hopefully she will see me as a reasonable person. It's helpful to hear about your experience with this, it helps me be less worried that she'll just discount me if she does know ex T.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I can understand how that would be incredibly stressful and hurtful. I really hope things do well with the new T and you're able to talk to her about it. When is your appointment?

When things ended badly with my first therapist a decade ago, she told me no other therapist would be willing to put up with me. It wasn't as painful as what you're going through because I wasn't attached to her, but I definitely believed it for a long time.

Thanks LabRat, my appointment is Monday at 3pm Eastern.

What your first T said to you was unconscionable -- clearly it would discourage a person from seeking therapy afterward, and that's awful, particularly if things haven't gone well. It strikes a chord with me because it kind of feels like my ex T implied the same thing -- which logically he did not, but emotionally it feels that way. That I'm so difficult he eventually just couldn't stand me anymore, and given that I thought very highly of him, if he couldn't, then who could?

On the "silver lining" side, the fact that your first T would ever say this to any client pretty much proves the issue was with her and not you.

[mostlylurking]

Yesterday I met with the new T. I felt pretty comfortable with her straight off, I think partly because she came with a friend's recommendation, and also because she seemed more like what I imagined a therapist would be like, compared to my old T. Her office was more cozy, had eclectic artwork, had a slight bit of messiness, and she was more open and reassuring and kind. I said it had been hard to call her and explained about feeling ashamed, and she made a sympathetic face and that was kind of all I needed. I think that in spite of all my worries, when you're with someone in person who seems caring, it goes better than you expected.

She handles more serious issues than prev T (he was more kids / families mostly, in spite of how much he did help me with my issues, which were more like trauma). She handles trauma, eating disorders, dissociative disorders... kind of heavier stuff than prev T.

She pointed out that I really don't know what happened with prev T, but I "filled in the blank". Yes, I filled it in with an all too common experience from my childhood, being hated and excluded for no reason I could understand. She said it was a kind of relational trauma, but that she believes I can get through this and get back all the progress I had made with prev T.

I also talked about how it felt like there was an old ex T and a new, cold ex T that I had never met before. She suggested that sometimes people seem very cold when they are trying to keep themselves under control. I will never know if that was the case, but it's a better way to think of what happened.

I am actually seeing her again tomorrow. She asked me if I wanted another appointment this week, and I had planned to go just once a week but I started to cry out of relief at the thought of seeing her sooner, so I went by that.

I was really open with this T, it didn't take me any time to open up at all. I think it's much easier when you've been in therapy before, and I got good feelings from her, but I also just needed to get it all out. Really glad to be going back so soon. I am so glad I took the risk. It seems totally crazy to me now to be trying to do this on my own.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so glad it went well! And also that you can see her again tomorrow.

I also had the experience that it's much easier to open up when you've been in therapy before. I was worried about starting over with current T, but it felt more like starting in the middle, not at the beginning. And it can be really insightful to get a different T's perspective on things. As T has said, it's not necessarily about one T being "better" than another, just different. Hope you have a good session tomorrow!

[Anastasia~]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

She handles more serious issues than prev T (he was more kids / families mostly, in spite of how much he did help me with my issues, which were more like trauma). She handles trauma, eating disorders, dissociative disorders... kind of heavier stuff than prev T.

She pointed out that I really don't know what happened with prev T, but I "filled in the blank". Yes, I filled it in with an all too common experience from my childhood, being hated and excluded for no reason I could understand. She said it was a kind of relational trauma, but that she believes I can get through this and get back all the progress I had made with prev T.

I also talked about how it felt like there was an old (ex T) and a new, cold ex T that I had never met before. She suggested that sometimes people seem very cold when they are trying to keep themselves under control. I will never know if that was the case, but it's a better way to think of what happened.

I am actually seeing her again tomorrow. She asked me if I wanted another appointment this week, and I had planned to go just once a week but I started to cry out of relief at the thought of seeing her sooner, so I went by that.

I was really open with this T, it didn't take me any time to open up at all. I think it's much easier when you've been in therapy before, and I got good feelings from her, but I also just needed to get it all out. Really glad to be going back so soon. I am so glad I took the risk. It seems totally crazy to me now to be trying to do this on my own.

I'm so glad that you liked this new T and are seeing her tomorrow, too! It sounds promising that she will really be of help to you. My current T has helped me heal from the termination and other things. Keep us posted