[ScarletPimpernel]

Right now, my T is taking personal time. Nothing is really wrong with me, except I miss her terribly, am worried about her, and still upset with a misunderstanding we had. I wish I could ask for an earlier session, but I don't know if she'll allow it. And with her dealing with her own issues, I don't really think I should "lean" on her right now. I feel like I'd be selfish and not understanding. Normally, I email her Sunday night. I will, but I don't know what to say. She asked me not to talk about the misunderstanding till I see her again. Can I say I miss her? Would that be too much?

[Lemoncake]

No I don't think emailing saying that you missed her would be too much and I don't think you're being selfish.

In my journal I would write "letters" to my therapist, and what I imagine he would say back whilst he was away. Depending on how long she was away for could you see a temporary therapist for a few sessions?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I think she just took this week off.

But the thing she's dealing with sounds bad. Like a death.

[SalingerEsme]

If you show her you can be intentional, you have the self-control to give her space, it might really help you feel your own strength in the relationship? I don't think there is a should or shouldn't .

Well, friends, you have repeatedly seen me post about maintaining a professional relationship so my answer should come as no surprise.

No, I wouldn't send such an email.

Please consider this. Sunday night - or any out of office hours - are your therapist's personal time. Realise that they have their own life to live, and a family that counts on them. Their responsibility to them I think far outweighs to that of a patient. Consider too, what their personal lives would be like if every patient of theirs interupted and intruded upon it. Not very fair to them and extremely unfair to their spouse and family. If then, you honestly do care for your therapist and that their well being is of importance to you, you should take this all into consideration before you send that email (or text).

Why do I have such a hard stance? My father was a clergyman. He was called during all hours to counsel and tend to parishoners. I deeply resented - and still do - that my dad couldn't be my dad when I needed him to be so. He was married then to the church first and his profession took priority over that of his own family. Far, far, far, far on too many occasions were our plans to spend time together cancelled. I really don't recall a single weekend out plans were not cancelled on account someone else needed his time more than I did. So no, I could never do that to someone else. Think then about the fairness not only to your psychologist but to his life and family. While he may have chosen such ramifications of his profession - his family did not

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Well, friends, you have repeatedly seen me post about maintaining a professional relationship so my answer should come as no surprise.

No, I wouldn't send such an email.

Please consider this. Sunday night - or any out of office hours - are your therapist's personal time. Realise that they have their own life to live, and a family that counts on them. Their responsibility to them I think far outweighs to that of a patient. Consider too, what their personal lives would be like if every patient of theirs interupted and intruded upon it. Not very fair to them and extremely unfair to their spouse and family. If then, you honestly do care for your therapist and that their well being is of importance to you, you should take this all into consideration before you send that email (or text).

I disagree. My T considers non-scheduling-related texts to be intrusive on his time, but not e-mail. He explained that he chooses when to look at his e-mail, so he can do that when he has some free time (like, when he's not doing family stuff). Because he uses the same phone for work/personal, a text coming in is different, since that could intrude when he's doing family/personal stuff.

So I think it's fine to e-mail your T, but maybe keep it fairly short and say in there that you understand if it will take some time to reply (or even that you understand if she doesn't reply at all). Just bear in mind that she might not be able to read it right away.

[LittleAfrica]

If you normally send an email on Sundays and she hasn't said otherwise then I would still send it. Perhaps don't expect her to answer within her usual response time in this case though.

As an aside I wouldn't let people's projections on here influence my decision. You know what the agreement is between you and your therapist.

[Taylor27]

I think it would be ok to send her a e-mail on Sunday. It's her choice when to open her e-mails. Not selfish to tell her you miss her and im sure she will be ok with what ever you write her. My therapist went on sick leave a couple years ago it was hard and when i told him i missed him he was glad to hear that and it strengthen our relationship.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Why do I have such a hard stance? My father was a clergyman. He was called during all hours to counsel and tend to parishoners. I deeply resented - and still do - that my dad couldn't be my dad when I needed him to be so. He was married then to the church first and his profession took priority over that of his own family. Far, far, far, far on too many occasions were our plans to spend time together cancelled. I really don't recall a single weekend out plans were not cancelled on account someone else needed his time more than I did. So no, I could never do that to someone else. Think then about the fairness not only to your psychologist but to his life and family. While he may have chosen such ramifications of his profession - his family did not

I'm sorry your father didn't have better boundaries and didn't balance your needs against the needs of his parishoners. It sounds like he didn't make enough quality time for you, so I can see where you would be really angry about that. My T has kids at home too, but I trust that she can be both a mom and a therapist and provide for both my needs and the needs of her children. I contact her between sessions when I need to, in a manner we have agreed works for both of us, and I don't spend a lot of time trying to influence her parenting decisions. Her personal life and relationships with her family are not my responsibility. As long as she says it's okay to contact her whenever I need to, I'm going to contact her.

[healinginprogress]

Send the e-mail. Respect the boundary around not talking about the misunderstanding.

I can understanding not wanting to "burden" her if she's going through personal issues. But, she is your T, and she should have structures in place to ensure that she can create her own safe space.

To answer your question, I usually journal when I'm not able to get in touch with T or we have a break.

Everybody's relationship with their therapist is different, so it's tough to say what would or wouldn't be appropriate.

My current therapist and I have no contact between our sessions, and it can sometimes be tough to wait when our breaks are longer than normal. I'll wind up having a big pile of notes of what I want to discuss by the time the next session comes around.

But I think it's important to let them have that time for themselves. Being a therapist must be a very emotionally draining job. Like us they are only human, and also like us they have their own share of problems to deal with in life. Their job requires them to set aside the problems they are facing in order to help us tackle our own issues, so they need to be given some "me" time where they can focus on themselves. For that reason I lean towards the opinion that contact between sessions shouldn't be made unless it's an emergency.

Again though, everybody has their own relationship with their therapist. I'm only coming at it from my own point of view and from my own experiences with therapists.

Geesh. Apparently I am backwards. I just find it incredibly hard to believe I am the only one around here who respects the right for their mental healthcare professional to have a private life. So much transference around here as an example. I would think if you truly cared about your psychiatrists and psychologists you would in earnest do so. To not seems so illogical.

Yes I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact my dad put first those he was counselling. He may have 'agreed' to this professionally - but I certainly didn't. So think about that family. Their parent may have made an unrealistic commitment - BUT THEY DIDN'T. How does it not make sense to respect this? If it can't wait until when the office reopens maybe it is bad enough to seek immediate attention: ER? Crisis Line?

Sorry folks but I stand firm on this.

[ElectricManatee]

A lot of us had parents who failed us. The blame for that falls squarely on the parents' shoulders. Not calling my T on a weekend isn't going to make her a better or worse parent than she would be otherwise. If she's going to ignore her kids, she can do it while taking to me or she can do it while playing Candy Crush. Or she can be kind and attuned to both me and her kids as she is able, which is what I believe she does. It's all about her priorities and her values, which has zilch to do with me and my behavior. I'm sorry your dad wasn't there for you, but I don't think it does any good for the rest of us to try to guess what our therapists and their families need in their personal lives based on your experience, not based on what our therapists tell us they can accommodate. My inadequate parents wanted me to guess what they needed from me too, which means trying follow your advice with my T would be incredibly unhealthy.

Apologies, Scarlet, for briefly hijacking your thread. I'll hop off my soapbox now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thanks all!
Justafriend: I email Sunday nights because she'll respond Monday morning which she considers her work day. I send the email when she's asleep. She shuts off her work phone when she's not working. My T keeps her own boundaries about contact. She's an adult and responsible for her own family. I'm not responsible for her family. I am responsible for respecting T's boundaries.

Which is actually why I wrote this thread. I want to respect my T's personal time right now by leaving the misunderstanding alone and not emailing anymore this week. But since I don't know what happened to my T, I don't know how much I should distance myself and for how long. I mean, we just had a misunderstanding about me putting pressure on her, it's not 100% resolved, and even though she says I don't put too much pressure on her, I worry I might because she's dealing with something. Luckily, I don't need my T right now. But because of the misunderstanding and tapering down sessions, I'm miss her real bad.

So I was wondering, do I jist say I miss you, and that's it? Do I tell her about my week like I normally would? But that would be hard because a lot of it was about the misunderstanding. I wish I knew what happened. She told me she would tell me one day. But if I knew, I could better judge what to say and do.

[velcro003]

I don't think it is that important that you need to know what happened in order to judge what you should do.

If you normally e-mail on Sunday nights about your week, and that is the agreement you have with your T, I don't see why you should change it. I know she asked you not to e-mail one day, right? But not this Sunday?

I would try and respect not talking about the misunderstanding. Have you e-mailed her in the past just telling her you missed her?

[healinginprogress]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Geesh. Apparently I am backwards. I just find it incredibly hard to believe I am the only one around here who respects the right for their mental healthcare professional to have a private life. So much transference around here as an example. I would think if you truly cared about your psychiatrists and psychologists you would in earnest do so. To not seems so illogical.

Yes I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact my dad put first those he was counselling. He may have 'agreed' to this professionally - but I certainly didn't. So think about that family. Their parent may have made an unrealistic commitment - BUT THEY DIDN'T. How does it not make sense to respect this? If it can't wait until when the office reopens maybe it is bad enough to seek immediate attention: ER? Crisis Line?

Sorry folks but I stand firm on this.

Well, it's hard to believe that you're the only one who respects their T's right to have a private life because you're not the only one. It's not illogical to seek reassurance from a therapist at times other than your 50 minute time slot especially if you've had trauma in your life. What's illogical is to assume everyone who feels the need to email or text their T during non-business hours needs to go to the ER. Seriously, that's just nonsensical.

You have a ton of baggage about your father and his choice of how to handle his personal and professional life. And you choose to let that impact how you deal with your mental health professional, which is fine by the way, you do you after all. But, you're putting your own experiences not just on your therapist but on all therapists which is a tad narcissistic.

You don't know better than the people here who have relationships and conversations with their Ts and you certainly don't know better than the therapists themselves.

Your argument isn't a terrible one, but your know-it-all attitude and insulting tone is where the problem really lies.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Geesh. Apparently I am backwards. I just find it incredibly hard to believe I am the only one around here who respects the right for their mental healthcare professional to have a private life. So much transference around here as an example. I would think if you truly cared about your psychiatrists and psychologists you would in earnest do so. To not seems so illogical.

Yes I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact my dad put first those he was counselling. He may have 'agreed' to this professionally - but I certainly didn't. So think about that family. Their parent may have made an unrealistic commitment - BUT THEY DIDN'T. How does it not make sense to respect this? If it can't wait until when the office reopens maybe it is bad enough to seek immediate attention: ER? Crisis Line?

Sorry folks but I stand firm on this.

You're doing the opposite of respecting a person's autonomy. 1 you are injecting your feelings into the decision. How do you know your feelings align with her family situation? and 2 you're taking actions around what you think she and or her family wishes actually disrespects her personhood; you are trying to impinge on her right to be the one making the decision as she can choose whether or not to read the email. In your scenario, you are seeking to make the decision for her.

Scarlet is herself and her therapist is her therapist's self. If Scarlet sends the email and is herself, her therapist can be herself too and decide what to do with the communication.

Sorry about your father not having time for you. That sounds really sad.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do normally email Sunday nights, and I do normally tell her about my week. I'm not questioning whether or not I should email her. I'm questioning what I should or shouldn't write about. I know for sure not to pry into her business and not to bring up the misunderstanding. I just don't know if I should be simple or explain things are bothering me.

I don't think I'm being clear enough. Do I write her:
T, I miss you.
Or
T, I miss you and I'm struggling.
Or
T, I miss you. X,y,z happened this week.

Should I say that I hope she's doing better? That the misunderstanding is specifically bothering me, but not go into detail?

[healinginprogress]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do normally email Sunday nights, and I do normally tell her about my week. I'm not questioning whether or not I should email her. I'm questioning what I should or shouldn't write about. I know for sure not to pry into her business and not to bring up the misunderstanding. I just don't know if I should be simple or explain things are bothering me.

I don't think I'm being clear enough. Do I write her:
T, I miss you.
Or
T, I miss you and I'm struggling.
Or
T, I miss you. X,y,z happened this week.

Should I say that I hope she's doing better? That the misunderstanding is specifically bothering me, but not go into detail?

Honestly, you know your T best. Me, personally, would just tell her I miss her and leave it at that. You said that if you talk about your week you're likely to discuss the misunderstanding which she asked you not to mention until you can talk about it in person. If you want to tell her you're struggling, I think that would be OK, too.

I would write all 3.

You are being hard on yourself. Your Superego is dominant.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do normally email Sunday nights, and I do normally tell her about my week. I'm not questioning whether or not I should email her. I'm questioning what I should or shouldn't write about. I know for sure not to pry into her business and not to bring up the misunderstanding. I just don't know if I should be simple or explain things are bothering me.

I don't think I'm being clear enough. Do I write her:
T, I miss you.
Or
T, I miss you and I'm struggling.
Or
T, I miss you. X,y,z happened this week.

Should I say that I hope she's doing better? That the misunderstanding is specifically bothering me, but not go into detail?

Oh okay, sorry for the confusion!

I would just do all 3 too.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by healinginprogress

Honestly, you know your T best. Me, personally, would just tell her I miss her and leave it at that. You said that if you talk about your week you're likely to discuss the misunderstanding which she asked you not to mention until you can talk about it in person. If you want to tell her you're struggling, I think that would be OK, too.

I agree that you know your T best. I can't think of a time when my T told me not to talk about something or to wait to talk about it, so I'm not sure how I would respond in this situation. I guess maybe do what you would usually do. I do think you've struggled a lot in the past with assuming your T is upset or likely to respond negatively, and it's always been okay before, right? So my guess is that you'll get this smoothed over as soon as you two can communicate normally again.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I agree that you know your T best. I can't think of a time when my T told me not to talk about something or to wait to talk about it, so I'm not sure how I would respond in this situation. I guess maybe do what you would usually do. I do think you've struggled a lot in the past with assuming your T is upset or likely to respond negatively, and it's always been okay before, right? So my guess is that you'll get this smoothed over as soon as you two can communicate normally again.

Yeah. You're probably right. It's just hard sitting on feelings. And it's hard when you had a T who left you. Ex-T still affects my relationship with my T. But current T and I have quickly worked through every issue so far. I guess that's why it's bothering me too: she's never told me to not talk about something.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm still struggling. Part of me doesn't even want to write her. I'm mad at her for putting off resolving our problem and making me sit with my feelings for 3 weeks. I was ready to let her go! And now out of spite I want to let her go. It feels like she doesn't care.

But on the other hand, I can only imagine what she is going through. I don't know why, but I have it stuck in my mind that it's either her dog died, one of her parents died, or she had a miscarriage. I know, none of my business. But I worry. I really do care about her, but I'm struggling to put my emotions aside. And it seems like a trap. I was thinking I was putting too much pressure on her, yet now that she needs space, I feel I have no choice but to distance myself.

This is so hard for me!

Here's what I've written so far:
T,
I'm just writing to let you know that I can't really write. You asked me to not talk about the misunderstanding, yet that is the very thing bothering me. You have never restricted me from talking about something. It's really hard to sit with these feelings. It feels like punishment.

I'm miss you. I'm hurting. I'm worried about you. I'll leave it at that. Just know I'm trying my hardest to respect you.

Scarlett

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm still struggling. Part of me doesn't even want to write her. I'm mad at her for putting off resolving our problem and making me sit with my feelings for 3 weeks. I was ready to let her go! And now out of spite I want to let her go. It feels like she doesn't care.

But on the other hand, I can only imagine what she is going through. I don't know why, but I have it stuck in my mind that it's either her dog died, one of her parents died, or she had a miscarriage. I know, none of my business. But I worry. I really do care about her, but I'm struggling to put my emotions aside. And it seems like a trap. I was thinking I was putting too much pressure on her, yet now that she needs space, I feel I have no choice but to distance myself.

This is so hard for me!

Here's what I've written so far:
T,
I'm just writing to let you know that I can't really write. You asked me to not talk about the misunderstanding, yet that is the very thing bothering me. You have never restricted me from talking about something. It's really hard to sit with these feelings. It feels like punishment.

I'm miss you. I'm hurting. I'm worried about you. I'll leave it at that. Just know I'm trying my hardest to respect you.

Scarlett

I think what you wrote sounds good, actually. Maybe let it sit for a bit before sending it.