Therapist obligation to parent of teen in therapy

I started my daughter in therapy nearly 9 months ago to help her learn to cope better with typical teenage stress. She has no serious mental disorder, does not use drugs or alcohol, or has ever been involved in any sort of harmful behaviors.
She has a vibrant personality and was letting the stress of teenage years start to effect her grades. I suggested therapy as a way of coping through some of these difficult times. In the beginning I expressed my goals to the therapist, and how I wanted my daughter to get her priorities in order so she could get back on track. My daughter is now back on honor roll and making good choices in her life. The therapist had not consulted with me on progress even though she knows I am always available. I finally had to ask the therapist to go over my daughters progress. I mentioned that I have seen daughter make positive changes, her grades are fine, and less conflict at home. I expressed to the therapist that goals have been met and I no longer see a need for my daughter to continue in therapy. The therapist then said it is not up to me as to when to end therapy, but up to my daughter. I expressed to the therapist that at some point this will come to an end and I am concerned about daughter becoming dependent on therapy. The therapist could not give me a specific reason why she thought my daughter needed to me there, other than saying how she is a safe outlet for my daughter to vent her emotions, and how she can be somewhat like a parent. After the parent comment, she quickly caught herself, and then acknowledge me as the parent.
First of all, if this therapist told me in the beginning that it would be up to my daughter as when to end therapy, I would never have started with therapy in the first place. Second, I was never sending my daughter into therapy to get parenting. She gets plenty of nurturing from her two parents at home. I take offense that this therapist seems to dismiss my role as a parent of a minor in therapy. While my daughter has developed a relationship of trust with the therapist, I have only developed distrust. I already know it needs to end, but how do I do that without creating damage to my daughter?

Since you "pay" for therapy it is 100% up to you when your daughter's therapy ends but I think the therapist was only pointing out how helpful the therapy is being to your daughter and getting her input as to when to end might be a good idea for your daughter's sake. Were it my daughter I'd talk to her about therapy (the therapist cannot talk to you about your daughter, that is the nature of therapy, the confidentiality of what your daughter says to her) and give her a time range, mid-December to mid-February, say, and have her pick her date from there and inform you and the therapist.

Oh, wow, what a thorny thicket. I hear your concerns. I have a 13 year old daughter who has been in therapy for 8 months. Our situation is a little different as I am not convinced my daughter wants to continue therapy and I am uncertain as to what benefit she has received, but I would love to know if she has, or what the therapist perceives as would be helpful to her.

You say that you had goals for your daughter in therapy. I wonder if your goals for your daughter were the same as her goals for therapy? Possibly, you may believe your goals have been met, but the therapist and your daughter are working on her goals, which may have not been met.

I have had to struggle a bit with the ideas of "my goals" for my daughter's therapy. I do not feel that my goals have been met, and I am not sure they are working in therapy on "my goals," nor am I sure they should be. I wouldn't like it if some outsider came into my therapy and told me to work on something else. Yet, she is a minor and I am the parent. It is an area of confusion for me.

I have felt frustration at times that I am not more cognizant of what goes on in therapy with my daughter. But her therapist is very strict on respecting client confidentiality. I believe she is only obligated by law to tell me if my daughter is harming or contemplating harming herself or others.

I realize now that my daughter's therapist is really not the sort of practitioner I should have chosen for her. I should have picked a family therapist who was used to working with more than one family member. It would be really useful to have a session here and there WITH my daughter to work on family problems.

Could you have a session together with the therapist and your daughter to work out this issue? What would you and your daughter think about decreasing the frequency of the therapy sessions?

I do believe the parents have ultimate authority over whether the child is in therapy, as they have legal responsibility for their children and are the ones who pay the bills. The therapist cannot force you to continue therapy for your daughter. You can tell her you are no longer willing to pay, and I bet she won't offer to continue seeing your daughter for free.

As I said, this is a thorny issue! I have no good answers. If you can believe this, my husband and I are getting together with my therapist later this week, a guy who sometimes sees us for couples work as well, and our topic is going to be my daughter's therapy and whether she should continue. That's how important the issue is to us. We are getting professional advice on it. Since my daughter's own therapist is unable to discuss this matter with us freely due to her confidentiality restrictions, we are seeking professional advice elsewhere.

I am very respectful of the therapist-client relationship and don't want to yank this away from my daughter if it is truly helping her at this challenging time (my husband and I just separated and the kids are now commuting between 2 homes). I remember here on PC some months ago there were a number of posts from a teen whose parents were making her terminate therapy. Her posts were heartbreaking. It was done suddenly, no tailing off in session frequency, and with less than a week's notice. The teen was despondent.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The therapist could not give me a specific reason why she thought my daughter needed to me there, other than saying how she is a safe outlet for my daughter to vent her emotions, and how she can be somewhat like a parent.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Therapists often assume a role of "parent" to their clients, even when the client is an adult! I wouldn't be disturbed by this comment. It is just how therapy works, and it doesn't mean the T does not think you are a parent to your daughter. Heck, at my last couples session, my T even referred to himself as sometimes acting in a parent role with both of us, and we are both over 40!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
While my daughter has developed a relationship of trust with the therapist, I have only developed distrust.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I hope you can meet with the T and your daughter to sort this out.

Take care.

It is your decision when to stop - you are her guardian and she is a minor, and you pay the bill. But I'm sure you don't want to stop it if she really does need it.
What is your daughters opinion? What does she think she gets out of it?

The therapist cannot tell you about sessions but if there is a good reason for your daughter to stay, the therapist can discuss with your daughter what she can tell you - it doesn't have to be any details but enough to put your mind at ease.

Like sunrise said, can you go to a session together to discuss this?
Or how about start spacing out the appointments and see how she goes with less frequent sessions.

You didn't say how old your daughter was. I think there is a big difference whether she is 13 or whether she is 19 with respect to whether she is able to make her own decisions or whether she needs you to look out for her interests because she is incapable of looking out for them herself. Not only is there an age issue, there is also a maturity issue, however. Sounds like from what you have said she is fairly mature.

Sounds like you have a view of what constitutes your daughter making 'good choices' and you have certain things that she do that is really important to you (like her being on the honour roll and getting good grades). Kids (and adults too) can feel quite a bit of pressure if they think that they need to do this and do that in order to gain the approval (love?) of their parents.

There seem to be some control issues here with this:

> In the beginning I expressed my goals to the therapist, and how I wanted my daughter to get her priorities in order so she could get back on track.

So you wanted the therapist to change your daughter so you would be more approving of your daughter.

The issue is... The therapist should have your daughters interests at heart rather than your interests at heart. That is because she is seeing your daughter and your daughter is her client. There are issues around confidentiality. The point is that if the therapist tells you what your daughter has told her in therapy then your daughter won't have a safe environment to talk about her feelings and her fears and her concerns. That is what therapy is meant to be. I'm sure the therapist would have talked to your daughter about how your daughter thought she could benefit from therapy. And that... Is what they would have been working on.

> The therapist had not consulted with me on progress even though she knows I am always available.

Yeah. That is because the therapists job is to to the best she can for her client (your daughter).

> I expressed to the therapist that goals have been met and I no longer see a need for my daughter to continue in therapy.

Sounds like you view your daughters therapy as being something for you rather than something for your daughter.

> I am concerned about daughter becoming dependent on therapy.

Have you talked to your daughter about what she wants and about your concern that she might become dependent on therapy? Would it be so bad to be dependent on therapy if it is helping her make 'good choices' and stay on the honour roll etc?

> The therapist could not give me a specific reason why she thought my daughter needed to me there, other than saying how she is a safe outlet for my daughter to vent her emotions

And you don't think having a safe outlet to vent your emotions is an important way to cope with stress? Isn't that... What you wanted for her?

> First of all, if this therapist told me in the beginning that it would be up to my daughter as when to end therapy, I would never have started with therapy in the first place.

You didn't start therapy. Your daughter did. Sounds like... You are having trouble with your daughters increased autonomy...

> She gets plenty of nurturing from her two parents at home.

Does she vent her emotions to you? It is typical for teenagers to have frustrations with their parents. Part of them figuring out who they are as individual people. It is typical for teenagers to wonder what they want to do with their life. Is being on the honour roll important to your daughter? That is something that she needs to figure out for herself and you can't MAKE her want for herself what you want for her. This is'nt to say that the therapist replaces your role - not at all. It is to say that a third party who doesn't have a vested interest (e.g., by spending so much time raising her) can be a perfect sounding board for your daughter to be able to talk about stuff. And for your daughter to be able to figure out what is important to her and what it is that she wants in life. Stress reduction indeed.

> While my daughter has developed a relationship of trust with the therapist, I have only developed distrust. I already know it needs to end, but how do I do that without creating damage to my daughter?

Sounds like... You are having trouble letting go. In the sense of allowing your daughter increased autonomy. Often... Parents can feel like their teenagers come to hate them / distrust them. Sometimes that can be about the teenager not feeling heard. I mean... If your daughter told you that she wasn't sure she wanted to be an honours student, that it really wasn't that important to her would you be able to listen to her non-judgementally and let her come to her own decision... Or would you tell her that that was crazy talk and you would jolly well make sure she studies hard?

The latter ... Isn't really supportive, you see.

It's just my opinion, but if you can afford it and daughter wants to stay in therapy, why not let her? If money is an issue, perhaps she can contribute in some way. It really does take a village to raise a child.

There may be issues your daughter needs to discuss that have nothing to do with your parenting skills or with you. It's my opinion but, whatever it takes to have a healthy child, mentally and physically, we should do that as a parent.

I know it is hard not knowing sometimes and it's hard feeling like we are losing, either control or knowledge of our children as they grow, but it will be worth it to give that up for the wellbeing of the child. My son has been in therapy since he was 8 (he's 19 now). It's worth it. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom. Sending your daughter to therapy in the first place shows how much you love her and want her to succeed. Allowing her to continue will show that as well.

Feel free to PM me any time. Best of luck for both of you.

Hmm ... I completely understand where you are coming from, but if you would like some input from someone a bit younger, here it is. (I'm 19 by the way).

I think, that if you're daughter is showing improvements from seeing this therapist, then why interfere with something thats already working? Just because her grades etc seem to be improving, doesn't mean that there isn't any more "work" to be done.

I built a very close relationship with my T and expressed to my mother a little bit about our relationship. As soon as i did, i could see her kick into "defensive mode" because I think that she too was uncomfortable with the fact that i had created such a close bond with another woman. But just because i did, doesn't mean that she became any less significant in my life. It doesn't mean that i no longer saw her as my mother, or that i loved her any less. For me, having my T in my life was a gift. She was another person i could trust, another outlet. And yes, maybe i told her some things that i wouldn't have necessarily told my mother, but to be quite honest, it was what i needed. And maybe you don't really like that your daughter doesn't share everything with you, but i think the important thing here is that she is sharing with someone.

I don't know how old your daughter is, or how close she is with her therapist, but, i really do believe that it is up to her whether or not she continues to see her. I'm sure she wouldn't be doing it if it were hurting her, and as you said her grades and behavior is improving. But i think that you need to realize, that you play a big part in this as well. Her therapist may be able to give her different suggestions, but you are her mother, and her improvement is also due to your guidance and support. So keep supporting her, and encouraging her to make her own decisions ... and this is one of them.

My relationship with my mother took a really hard blow when she started trying to control my actions. It was only once i was able to start to do things by my own choice that we were able to mend some of our differences.

I hope I was able to help a little bit,
Jacq

I left my son's therapy between him and his psychologist. I chose the psychologist because he was highly recommended and I even saw him a few times.

I wouldn't have requested terminated.

If I had felt like you do, I think I would ask for a meeting with all of you to talk more about it.

What does your daughter think about continuing?

What would being 'dependent' on therapy mean? I'm not sure I understand what that would be like.

This sounds so difficult for you.

<font color="green">I wonder why you put her into therapy. I read your post but...

I have 4 children, two that were born to me and two that are adopted. These two need a lot of help to function and to heal the abuses of the past. I go to therapy with them, there are very few sessions that I am not in there with them and the therapist. One big reason for this was that they were known to lie and manipulate adults. Without my input they would have had their therapists for snacks. Even when I sit out of a session , I expect to be informed of the gist of what happened if not the details.

Slipping grades and poor life choices can simply be the result of a teen's lack of mental maturity. The forebrain where executive functioning takes place is barely functioning during these years. It can also be a warning of bigger problems.

I would ask for some joint sessions and talk to my daughter about her therapy. I would have been in there from the first to make sure everything was on the up and up. But then again I have caught my dds flat out lying about me.

Personally,I am not all that comfortable with our privacy laws as regards our children. In MN if your child is 12, she can obtain birth control and the doctors must NOT inform the parent. At age 14 they can stop taking medications and NO ONE can make them take their meds even if they become psychotic off the meds! If your dd is promiscuous you cannot force her to be on birth control. Even with full guardianship and having had my dd declared incompetent I cannot talk to her gyn doctor without her consent. This is crazy.

Talk to your dd and set up some family sessions. Be proactive again like you were before. </font>

'poor life choices' can be relative. if a kid decides to hang out with people who break the law (e.g., use cocaine, break driving laws) and put themselves at risk then i have sympathy for the notion that they are making a poor life choice.

if a kid decides to drop physics and pick up music because that is more important to her and the parent regards that to be a 'poor life choice' then it is looking more like a value clash, however. in that case i have less sympathy for the parent imposing their values on their child.

similarly if a kid goes from an A student to barely scraping through there is probably a problem there. If a kid goes from an A student to an A- or a B+ student then there might well be a problem but i wouldn't be panicking just yet.

how old are your kids dalilia? there is a big difference between a kid of 12 and a kid of 19. there is also a big difference in maturity between different kids of the same age. if a kid is basically trustworthy then it is good to trust them. if a kid hasn't been so honest then it can be harder to know when trust is justified, to be sure.

the extent and nature of the problems sound quite different.

> The forebrain where executive functioning takes place is barely functioning during these years. It can also be a warning of bigger problems.

teens don't have such good impulse control as adults do but once again there is considerable variation in impulse control with teenagers as there is with adults. some teens have better impulse control than i could ever hope to have! the forebrain functions quite well in many respects (mathemeticians and logicians tend to peak young and mathematical and logical ability is a forebrain function).

since adults are sometimes put under a treatment order and confined and medicated against their will i'd be surely surprised if minors didn't have the same provision made for them in the case of loss of rational faculties.

i would say that the variation in the two cases is due to:
1) the severity (nature) of the problems
2) as a consequence of that the theoretical orientation of the therapist
3) the age of the kids involved

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
I remember here on PC some months ago there were a number of posts from a teen whose parents were making her terminate therapy. Her posts were heartbreaking. It was done suddenly, no tailing off in session frequency, and with less than a week's notice. The teen was despondent.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Correct me if I'm wrong, but am I that teen?

Even if not, I'll add my experience anyway. I started therapy in November 2006, aged 17, due to issues with hair-pulling, social anxiety and a past trauma. My mum was initially supportive (possibly because one of her friends has been in therapy for OCD before), but my dad was set against it until mum pointed out that it was my decision, not theirs. While I was in therapy, though, they'd ask me quite frequently when I could start seeing him less often, and around mid-April they told me that they thought my next session should be my last. I wasn't assertive enough to tell them that I didn't agree...admittedly, I probably wouldn't have stayed in therapy much longer anyway, but I didn't feel ready for such a sudden ending. I said I'd email my therapist to ask, and managed to tell him that I didn't think I wanted to end quite yet, but that my parents were talking about it. I was hoping that he would agree with me and I wouldn't have to leave, but when I got to my session two weeks later he said to me "this will be our last session" and didn't give me a chance to disagree. I don't think it was a good ending!

And I still don't think I was quite ready. So I think it should be up to your daughter when she finishes therapy. As others have pointed out, she could be discussing issues with the therapist that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about with her parents - and I'd say that's probably quite common at that age! Teenagers don't tell their parents everything by any means. I always got very uncomfortable when my parents asked me what I'd been talking about in my sessions, but that doesn't mean I don't get on with them. I just like my privacy.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you both. Good luck!

Thanks for all your opinions, I appreciate the different perspectives. This is just a quick post to let you know I am reading, and I want to clarify a few things. I have just have not had time yet to respond.

In the US, at least, parents of minors do have most of the rights when their children or teens are in therapy. I think that the most important thing for the parents to consider is not what rights they have as parents, though. What should be most important is what is really best for the child. It is reasonable to ask your daughter and/or the therapist if progress is satisfactory, and certainly ask them what you can do to best support the goals of therapy. I think joint sessions are great most of the time, if your daughter agrees to including you in a session or a few. If you think that therapy may be going on too long, or if it is starting to strain the budget, you could talk to the therapist and to your daughter openly about your concerns. I hope that you would be sensitive to your daughter's and the therapist's responses. Even though you have seen progress, there may still be something that they are working on. Keep in mind that everyone who establishes a good connection with their therapist, adults and teens alike, will have strong feelings for that person and ending the relationship can be the hardest part. If it is too abrupt, it can be a traumatic loss. So, if you have reason to, you can suggest that they start moving towards wrapping it up, but please do consider what your daughter says about that, and let her have some time if she needs it.

It's a frustrating position for a parent to be in, because you might feel shut out of a significant relationship in your child's life, and all you have to show for it is the bill. Think of it as a gift that you are giving to your daughter, that will help her now and throughout her life. If there were serious concerns about your daughter's safety, the therapist would be obligated to tell you, and it sounds like there are not and you don't suspect anything seriously wrong. That is good. You might need to be satisfied with that. You could push for more, but it would come at the cost of undermining your daughter's trust in you, and maybe destroying some of the progress that she has made.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rio_ said:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but am I that teen?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes! Rio, thank you for responding here and presenting the fullness of your story, as my recollection wasn't the best. I hope you are doing OK now and hold the memories of your T in your heart. I remember feeling very sad for you when you were going through that.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent a session with our family therapist talking about our 13 y.o. daughter, who is in therapy, and what to do to best support her and communicate better with her, and what to do about her therapy situation. I think our T feels a little responsible as the referral to my daughter's therapist came from him, and he said last night it would have been better if he had referred her to a family therapist. We are trying hard to know what to do about her therapy situation as she is very angry at her therapist right now and tells me this. I don't want to seem ignoring of her concerns, and I don't want to "force" her to see this therapist, and I'm not sure she wants to quit, but maybe she does. (Our T and her T sometimes consult with each other, as he is a family systems therapist and has the big picture of the whole family, which can be useful information for my daughter's T.)

Originally, one of the reasons I wanted her to go to therapy was because she is very angry and hostile all the time. To me her anger meant she wasn't happy. I had tried everything I could think of to help and I had no idea why she was like that, but she had been that way since very early in childhood (not just a teenager thing). So in a way, the fact that she is now angry at her therapist might be a good thing, something the T can try to work with now that it is manifest in her office. I don't know. Plus, maybe they are working on other things. As has been written in this thread, there are concerns a parent might have for a child (that she is angry and unhappy, in my case) and concerns the child herself might want to work on in therapy.

Our therapist recommended that we have my daughter continue with therapy for now (at least another month, he said), to try to resolve the bumps in the relationship with her therapist. This is, after all, what therapy is all about--learning to have a healthy relationship through interacting with the therapist. Maybe if my daughter can work through her anger at her therapist, it will be helpful to her with that overarching anger she feels in her life. And maybe she can learn to tell us how we can help and meet her needs better. (Our T says anger is always a sign of unmet needs.) And our T can provide advice on how we can make it easier for her to tell us, and concrete things we can do to promote communication.

dubya, I wish you luck with your situation. Sorry if I wrote too much here about my own stuff. It seemed to have a lot of overlap with yours. I have benefited also from the varied responses here. The ones from people about their own therapy experiences as teens have been very powerful.

A few facts; dd is 15, socially outgoing, this is a family therapist that she is seeing. Dh was not comfortable with the dating scene and for the first time, we hit a fork in the road with our parenting style. I was willing to allow more freedom, he wanted to protect. Dd was becoming upset with her dad. I felt the conflict between he and I on these issues was adding undue stress on dd, coupled with all the teenage drama teens already experience.
Typical of highschool teens, they try and find the group or crowd to identify with. My dd is outgoing, and was striving to find her place with the IN crowd. Although all groups are fraught with teenage strife, these IN groups seemed to get noticed. I think there is greater chance to get caught up in rumors, gossip, and backstabbing. At least with my dd, she seemed to be in the middle of all that. Because of this kind of group, I knew there were going to be hard lessons for her to learn along the way. Socializing began to become in her main focus. She has always been an A/B student, but two of her subjects dropped to a D and F. Any parent would be concerned with grades like that.
All the above is what lead to her seeing a therapist. My dh had no intention of taking part in therapy. He didn't think it was necessary for she and I either, but he did not voice a concern directly against us not going.
On the first session, my dd and I met with the therapist together. Then the T briefly talked with my dd alone, and then with me alone. T gathered family history and our concerns. She told us together that therapy would be focused on my dd as sometimes teens need a little help in coping with stress, while adults are better able to cope. She let my dd know that at times she may talk with me without my dd present. She did ask me for my concerns and goals I would like to see dd achieve. She mentioned to me that dd is a bit of a drama queen. She said there may be times to call me in again to go over progress. Nearly 7 months went by since that last conversation with the T.
During all this time, I never once have tried to pry from dd what they talk about or gather any information about their sessions. But, after this length of time, and seeing my dd did get her life back on track... I did ask her if she still felt a need to be going there. She is adamant that she does, even though she agreed with me that her life has turned around and goals are met. Even myself and dh are once again on the same page with are parenting. He is more comfortable and relaxed with the dating issues. I think he just needed time in his own development to adjust to the parent of a teen role.
Keep in my mind, dd, the drama queen, and can she ever be a talker. Communicating with others can be a passion of hers. I was beginning to see therapy as recreation for her that she throughly enjoys going to, but is it really necessary? Not to mention the cost is adding up.
I told my dd, that I needed to set some time aside with the therapist to at least disguss her progress. She became defensive that I not do so and thought that I should not be talking at all with her therapist. I reminded dd how in the beginning we were doing just that and even the therapist said she would be calling me in from time to time. When I called to ask the therapist to set aside some time for me, she began sort of fumbling for words and ask me what I wanted to talk about. When I mentioned my dd, she then said well she could not discuss any thing they have talked about because of confidentiality. I explained I understood that, but I was hoping she could discuss progress. That conversation is what led to my first post.
One of my goals as a parent has always been to raise my kids to be independent and self sufficient thinkers. I have not lost site of that goal even through the teen years when other parents want to rein their kids under protection. That need for independence is why I was more allowing in dd freedom than my husband. When dd would want to do something I did not think was best for her. I would always express that it is against my better judgement. We then would be able to reach a compromise that we both could agree on. This kind of communicating has always been a glue to our relationship.
If therapy has branched off into other areas from what orginally brought dd there. The therapist should at least tell me that. I do think the therapist did not need to be so vague. If there are issues she felt she needed to see dd through on, she could have told me that without the specifics. It becomes a red flag with me, that she let so much time go without talking with me, and I had to be the one to approach her. If I thought my dd had some need to be there I would support that, but I think there can come a time when therapy can do more harm than good.

What about a meeting with your daughter and her therapist at the same time?

That would allow you to get some feedback from the therapist, but would give your daughter the safety of knowing that her therapist was not breaching any patient-therapist confidentiality.

edited to correct spelling

Thanks for explaining more. It really can be hard to know what is going on when there are so many unanswered questions.

Sounds like your daughter might have said something to her t about her worrying about confidentiality. That is completely normal - I think most people worry about that. What that means, though, is that it is also natural for teens to be worried about therapists etc talking to their parents because most of their memories about about being kids where they really didn't have any confidentiality to speak of. Part of it is about independence. And about freedom to discuss all kinds of things and come to ones own decision about them (e.g., how much one really wants friends who gossip and backstab, how one feels about issues of sex before marriage, how one feels about issues of drug taking etc etc). Everyone needs to come to their own decisions and it can really help for a teen to talk to a therapist (as a neutral third party) and come to their own decisions (which most often match their parents) ;-)

I hear your concern, though...

Sounds like your daughter is concerned that therapy will stop when she wants it to continue... And that your main concern is that it does cost a lot of money and so you want to know whether she really is benefiting from it or whether there are cheaper forms of entertainment (in case she views it more like that). Could you ask your daughter about this? Tell her that it does cost a lot of money and that if she feels that it is really helping her out then that is one thing... But that you are concerned that she really does benefit and it isn't just a social encounter or something like that.

If you explain it to her that way (and reassure her that she needent tell you details about what they are working on - you would just like to know whether they are working on something...) then she might be happier about you talking to the therapist. Another thing (maybe the best way of approaching it???) Would be to try and arrange a joint meeting with your daughter and her therapist. That should reassure your daughter that you guys aren't talking behind her back and then everyone can air their concerns.

Just a little observation of something else I notice. My dd never mentions therapy, as in seeming anxious for her next appointment. I have always had to remind her of appointments. Wouldn't a person who felt the need for therapy be anxious or anticipating the next session? With her it seems....out of sight, out of mind.

Dd has a schedule conflict and I will have to cancel her next session, but this time I am not going to reschedule for her. I have not reminded her of this upcoming appointment and she is not even aware there is a conflict in her schedule. I just plan on waiting and observing how long before she brings up therapy.

All this is just another indication to me that therapy may not be necessary.

Why not just ask her how she feels about it? Most people don't talk about therapy outside of therapy. It's awkward and embarassing (other than at an online community about therapy like here). But that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean anything to us.

Just not rescheduling a session is one way to end therapy, but not a good way. You don't get any closure that way. I've ended therapy by just not going back several times, and have never felt good about that. A few times it was someone else, not me, who caused that last session to be missed, or failed to offer another, and I felt rejected. One time it was a therapist who didn't show up for an appointment. Another time, I quietly walked out after a confrontation, and nobody asked about rescheduling, and I was not okay and it would have meant a lot if someone had just asked. Then there was a secretary who cancelled my appointment three times in a row, and the last time she cancelled, I just gave up. I have carried a lot of hurt about those endings, and resented the people who effectively ended my therapy without consulting me.

Your daughter might not say anything if you just let her therapy slip away and don't reschedule. But she won't have the closure she needs, and you will be the person she resents. She might be ready to finish, and she might not, but either way she should have the opportunity to talk about it.

>>>>>Sounds like... You are having trouble letting go.<<<<<

I think I have clarified in my other post that I have no problem letting go, but you do bring up an issue I think all persons in therapy should consider.....What if the therapist has trouble letting go???

Therapy first needs to establish a relationship/friendship based on trust or how else could it ever be helpful. With that being said, the T is human and has the capacity to develop a genuine friendship with the client. If that happens, can a T then look objectively at the relationship and still view it from a theraputic perspective? Could the T judgement start to get clouded and on a subconscious level have a need to continue therapy because it now fulfills a need in the T?

No one can deny the sense of imbalance between the T and client. The T is getting paid for the relationship. He/she is viewed as the expert with the answers, and not the one in need. Just that sense of imbalance can make the client vulnerable. Obviously that vulnerability is more so when dealing with a teen. Most teens will not question the T as being helpful or not. If a T conveys that it is helpful or is needed, a teen will most likely accept that at face value.

At least with the T my dd is seeing, she has grown dd's of her own. I do think the T has developed a fondness in my dd. I question whether that fondness is fulfilling a need in the T, as in she is once again having the chance to revisit the teen years, and fulfill parental roles she may miss now that her dd's are grown.

There is an article on this website under depression disorders. The title is: "The Therapist jJob is to Put Herself Out of Work." In other words, therapy should be able to help clients spread their wings and fly on their own without a continuing need for therapy. Of course, I am talking about persons who may just need a little boost to cope, and not those who have underlying disorders that may need a lengthy continuation of therapy.

>>>>>Your daughter might not say anything if you just let her therapy slip away and don't reschedule. But she won't have the closure she needs, and you will be the person she resents.<<<<<

I am willing to wait and see how long before she brings it up, and I can't imagine that she won't. If she doesn't bring it up after a length of time, I will indeed mention it to her so we can discuss it. I do understand the need for closure.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dubya333 said:
Wouldn't a person who felt the need for therapy be anxious or anticipating the next session? With her it seems....out of sight, out of mind.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No. Maybe you are making assumptions about her based on how you might react. But she's her own person. My daughter doesn't talk a lot about her therapy either.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Dd has a schedule conflict and I will have to cancel her next session, but this time I am not going to reschedule for her. I have not reminded her of this upcoming appointment and she is not even aware there is a conflict in her schedule. I just plan on waiting and observing how long before she brings up therapy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounds almost as if you're playing games with her. Could you be straightforward with her and tell her there is a schedule conflict so she knows what is happening? What if your daughter is anticipating therapy this week, has some really important stuff to tell her T, is anxious for someplace to go to offload her pain and work on her problems, and then she learns mom couldn't be bothered to tell her there is no session? In fact, mom deliberately didn't tell her as some kind of test. She will figure this out. It could make her feel hurt and betrayed and reluctant to share with you in the future (even less likely to tell you what therapy means to her). I wish you could talk openly with your daughter.

I completely agree... playing games is only going to hurt her more. Trust me. When she figures out this is what has happened she is going to be so upset with you, which will then only lead to her trying harder not to tell you things, she will lose trust, and probably will retaliate in a way that is only going to hurt you both.
My mom use to do similar things .... she'd read my text messages to find out what i'd been up to, or my conversations on msn ... and then eventually, she used me seeing a T as a sort of blackmail to what i wanted to do with my life. I'm not saying you do any of those things, but that sort of mistrust only damaged our relationship ... and now, to be honest, my mom doesn't know much about my life. I doubt you'd want that same sort of relationship with your daughter...
I truly think that it's in both of your best interests to just be upfront and honest with her. Without honesty in a relationship .. there is no relationship.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dubya333 said:

At least with the T my dd is seeing, she has grown dd's of her own. I do think the T has developed a fondness in my dd. I question whether that fondness is fulfilling a need in the T, as in she is once again having the chance to revisit the teen years, and fulfill parental roles she may miss now that her dd's are grown.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'd be very surprised if your daughter's therapist didn't become fond of her. I suspect most all therapists are fond of their clients (or most of them anyway!). And I'm sure many of them do enjoy their work and the roles they play in their client's lives. And yes, the client is vulnerable and the therapist holds the power in the relationship. But these things don't stop therapy from being helpful! Actually if the therapist didn't have power in that relationship, I think it'd be harder for them to help. To me, it doesn't feel like friendship because it's not give & take (like in friendship), but it's a powerful mentoring relationship.

But anyway, I'm rambling. Just wanted to say that even if the therapist really enjoys your daughter's company it wouldn't prevent her from helping your daughter. I'll jump in with everyone else who suggests the direct approach. Just ask your daughter if it's helpful! And see if you can talk some with her about it.

I think it's great that you're helping your daughter so much! But therapy is intense, and I'm not surprised a teenager wouldn't talk about it. Silence about therapy doesn't mean much though. Most everyone keeps quiet about therapy!

I don't think I made any points in this response, but I'm thinking about your thread so wanted to respond.

Sidony