Another therapist -- Parent-child family therapy

Tomorrow I'm going to call a family therapist to arrange a meeting. I really need professional help with my daughter. I thought if she and I could work with a family therapist, it might help. At least I would be able to say I didn't give up easily and tried everything I could think of. I've had a desire to do this for a while, and did make a move in this direction by linking up my daughter with a therapist, but she is not a family therapist. And they haven't been working on family problems, as far as I know. My daughter's been seeing her for almost a year and a half. I think she is getting something out of this, but there has been no change in the areas I would like to work on and improve for the health of our family. I think we need to work together for change to really occur. I didn't know what I was doing when she started on her therapy, and probably should have had her start with a family therapist, who could accommodate working with multiple family members, but I just didn't think of this, and my own therapist recommended this person highly, so I just dove in and didn't think. So the problems are still unsolved and I need to attempt another solution. I have done everything without professional help that I could think of--I've gotten advice from friends, read books, and asked my own therapist as well as the child specialist involved with my divorce for advice. I'm really tired.

I've identified the therapist I am going to contact. My own therapist recommended several family therapists, and I chose this one based on his expertise and location. I read his website, and his approach and expertise sound really good. I am hopeful that he can help.

I have only so many therapy dollars so it will be hard to pay for the new therapist as well as both my and my daughter's individual therapists. So we will both need to cut back. I will make it a goal for now for us each to go no more than 3 times a month (we both go pretty much weekly right now). Hopefully the family therapy will be very practical and problems-focused, and we won't need to go longterm.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm so exhausted with the problems in my family.

Has anyone ever done family therapy together with their child? Was it helpful?

Hi Sunrise, you are working very hard for the health of your family! I congratulate you! I don't have any experience with a family therapist but I believe that this is the way to go when it comes to children. I think that the parent holds most of the cards when it comes to a child's mental health. I think that a child could spend a decade in therapy by herself but if you add the parent a lot more can be accomplished in less time.

Thanks for the encouragement, Sannah.

I called the family therapist yesterday and he called back today. The other two times I have called a therapist to initiate therapy, we have just made an appointment over the phone and not talked about the issues I want to work on. But I had a rather extended conversation with this guy. He wanted to know what I was looking for, who I wanted to bring to therapy, etc. I told him some stuff. I felt a little upset at one point. This is such a hard area for me, full of years of frustration. We have an appointment for next week. Based on that, I will decide whether I want to continue (and he will decide if he can help) and will then consider whether to bring my daughter along to the next session. I think it might be helpful to me to work on this issue with the therapist alone too, if I can't get daughter to come or if it seems best for her not to come right away.

It will be kind of strange to have another therapist. I will have my individual T and my family T. (Especially strange since my individual T is also a family T.) I will keep my fingers crossed that this will help.

I hope that your meeting with him goes really well and you get the help you need with your daughter.

You are such a good mom, taking this step

I'll look forward to hearing about your appointment!

Sunrise,

I think this is a great idea. It will show your daughter that you really care about certain things and are willing to do whatever it takes to solve them.

When my son was young we consulted a child psychologist, who saw my son and then me and my husband separately. He helped us with parenting skills and tips for a rather hyper little guy.

My older son has been in with H to see my T but that was a one time only event.

I think you are doing what you have to and the only possible solution would be a separate T. Clearly your daughter needs her own T (she's been going for quite a while now). And by going to an independent therapist, her relationship with her T won't be compromised.

Goood luck.

My intent when first starting therapy was to have one T who dealt with all of us. I met with her first to check things out and to see if I could work with her. Then my son and I had a join session so he could meet and get comfortable with her etc... then he 2 had a sessions alone with her, where I was debriefed immediately following. Then my H had a session with her. For our situation this arrangement was VERY effective is addressing some of the key problems in our home. If I have another problem with my kids, I think I could revert back to this arrangement if necessary and be comfortable. HOWEVER, there is no way at this point would I be able to handle my H seeing her again. His session was very effective in getting him to see what he was doing...but it created a BIG rupture between us and between me and my T that took a long time to overcome.

Sunrise, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought and are looking for a particular skill set. I'm sure you will find the right combination for your family.

Thanks, EM, MissC, and Chaotic. MissC and chaotic, I found it heartening to hear of your positive experiences with different family members in family therapy. I guess my limited experience with this has also been positive, as I have seen my therapist alone, with my H for couples therapy, and once with the whole family. But I am glad I am not going to do the mother-daughter therapy with him. I think I need someone else for that. I need my own T right now for just me, for support in the divorce, and for any emergency couples work, if H and I should need it.

When the new family therapist called me today, he made an assumption and asked if I wanted to come in for couples therapy with my H. I said no, it was me and my teenage daughter. He asked if I was in a married situation, and I said no, separated, in the process of getting a divorce. He then asked if my daughter's father would be coming to therapy too. I said no. My own therapist asked me the same thing earlier this week, was my H going to go to therapy with us. No! I am sick of my H. I don't need him involved in this too. I am having problems with my daughter and I want to improve things for our family, the family that lives in my house. If my H has problems with our daughters, he can initiate therapy with them. Sheeesh, sometimes I feel like a child and people think I can't do anything without my H. I am a grown woman and I don't need my H to go to therapy with me and my daughter, just like I don't need him to carry out the garbage or mow the lawn. My daughter and I can work on our problems ourselves.

Hmmmm.... Something tells me I have "issues."

I just had this thought, maybe based on what you wrote, chaotic, about not being able to handle if your H were to go see your T. It sounds like maybe there is a little jealousy there, or a desire for exclusivity, or possessiveness (all of which I think are very natural responses).

It made me wonder how a therapist feels sending his client off to another therapist? I will still be seeing my own therapist at the same time I go see this new family therapist, sometimes on my own, sometimes with daughter. I wonder how my T feels about that? He probably feels nothing, or just is glad I am getting the help I need. But for a moment, I did feel like maybe he wouldn't like knowing I was sharing intimate details of my life with another T. Is it at all related that he first suggested about five different female family therapists for me and only suggested this one male when I pressed him for someone with significant expertise with adolescents and also closer to my part of town? LOL. I'm sure it's not related. But I am having a little bit of fun thinking that maybe it might be. (I actually would prefer a female for the mother-daughter therapy, but it's hard to find everything you think you want in a T, and he has all the other things on my list.)

Good work Sunrise!!!!

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It sounds like maybe there is a little jealousy there, or a desire for exclusivity, or possessiveness

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I experienced all of these emotions when H accompanied me to T for some couples work, which is now on hold. I have too much to work through in my individual therapy and I guess I'm not ready to share yet, like the typical 3-year old that I am.

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he made an assumption and asked if I wanted to come in for couples therapy with my H.

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grrrrr I hate assumptions. This would make me question.

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am a grown woman and I don't need my H to go to therapy with me and my daughter, just like I don't need him to carry out the garbage or mow the lawn.

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Way to go Sunrise!!!!

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Something tells me I have "issues."

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Maybe, but you sound so strong now; confident about what you want for you and your daughter and how you plan to go about getting it. Keep on keepin' on!

Absolutely you have issues....anyone who was married for as long as you've been and dealing with some of the stuff you've had to deal with would have issues. I can totally see at this point why you would want to focus on just your home now.

I can see why the new guy asked these questions. Sounds like he is just trying to orient himself to the household dynamics... who is in the "system", who might be asserting an external influence on it, etc..

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It sounds like maybe there is a little jealousy there, or a desire for exclusivity, or possessiveness.

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Absolutely NOT, this would suggest that I care about this relationship and am actually attached to it on some level.

I guess at this point it is kind of a "she MY advocate, get your own T" position. But I don't think this was the issue way back when the rupture occurred. What aggravated me at the time was that I had initiated therapy to help our son. In my sessions the discussions were focused on parenting issues. When my H had his session he was so self-centered and focused the whole session on HIS needs and how I was not meeting them. He lead a full scale attack on me and brought issues into therapy that I would have NEVER brought to the table. He basically sat in the session and blamed all of his abuse on ME and what I was doing wrong.

What made things even worse is that my T, (maybe from a systems approach or maybe because she didn't really know my issues yet) made the recommendation that I try and meet his needs as a way of bring H on board and facilitate a change in his abusive behavior. This approach was effective in quieting the rage and reducing the abuse, but I paid a very high price. It is my experience that this systems approach can be very damaging and requires a lot more of the person most willing to change. The system martyr may not make it though the process in one piece.

(((sunrise)))

I hope the family T helps bring healing with you and your daughter.

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I am a grown woman and I don't need my H to go to therapy with me and my daughter, just like I don't need him to carry out the garbage or mow the lawn. My daughter and I can work on our problems ourselves.

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My adult self is so proud of you for standing up for yourself, and making it clear what you need/want out of the family T relationship.

My teenage self had a slightly different reaction...having been a child of divorced parents. Whenever you are ready, please ask your daughter what she wants, and whether she would want H to join in the therapy session. It is not all about what you need, but also about what your daughter needs.

I know that your relationship with H is over, but for your daughter it is not. H will always be her father, and it is *very* difficult to be a child caught between the bad feelings of two parents.

(Please forgive me if I am reading my own situation into yours.)



I wish you and your daughter healing, and I am thrilled you are taking that step!

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MissCharlotte said:
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he made an assumption and asked if I wanted to come in for couples therapy with my H.

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grrrrr I hate assumptions. This would make me question.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I was actually OK with it. I think he does a lot of couples therapy so this was a natural question and a way of moving our conversation forward (what do you want from me?). I was a little more disturbed that my own T asked the same thing--would my H go to family therapy with my daughter and me? I think he has never really gotten it about this daughter, and how she has had significant emotional problems since childhood, probably because we don't talk about it a lot. But I have felt he has this idea about why my entire family should seek family therapy, and my goal right now in family therapy is not my T's idea. But he didn't push it on me and is maintaining respect for my needs. He thinks my H needs to do healing with my daughters. I don't disagree, but my issue is different right now, and I need immediate help on it, so that's what I am seeking.

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SpottedOwl said:
Whenever you are ready, please ask your daughter what she wants, and whether she would want H to join in the therapy session. It is not all about what you need, but also about what your daughter needs.

I know that your relationship with H is over, but for your daughter it is not. H will always be her father, and it is *very* difficult to be a child caught between the bad feelings of two parents.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">SpottedOwl, that is a good point. I am actually open to my H joining us for therapy, but since the problems my daughter and I are having are our own, I want to start there, with just us. If, through therapy, these issues seem larger than just me and her, and H's presence would be helpful, I would welcome him there. Luckily, my H and I don't have much of the typical animosity that many divorcing couples have. We communicate frequently, get together for the kids' events (sit at school plays and concerts together, celebrate kids' birthdays and graduations together, we even watched Olympics together recently), make important parenting decisions together, and are very flexible on the custody arrangements. As for my daughter's needs, I have put my kids' needs first for a long time. And my H's needs. And everyone's needs but my own. I need to pay some attention to my own needs now and work to improve this relationship. That's not necessarily putting my needs first, but acknowledging that they exist and working to get them met. I don't think that working on the relationship will impinge on my daughter's needs but will have a good outcome for her too. She does have her individual therapist who is there to work with her on her own needs. I would welcome her to raise family issues of her own with the family therapist.

I actually disagree that my relationship with my H is over. We will be forever linked because we are the parents of our children. My T has that view and has helped us try to craft a successful "post-divorce family" and I think we have been pretty successful at that. We have been good about putting the kids' needs first.

I think I don't want my H in therapy with my daughter at first because I don't want him to know the full extent of the problems. It is kind of embarrassing and shameful to me how bad this is and that I cannot handle this on my own. So I'm seeking professional help. My daughter has become very abusive towards me and won't stop, despite my efforts. I don't know what to do. She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. My T and child specialist have said, "don't give up on this child, don't withdraw from her because of her behavior, don't give up trying to connect" and I have tried to do all that, essentially becoming a martyr and losing all respect. The relationship with my daughter has just become such a negative for me that I need to try something else to fix it. I'm nearing the breaking point with it and can't take the abuse. I feel a bad parent because I have lost control. I don't know how it happened really. My H has maintained control in the past by yelling and threatening the kids, and sometimes hitting them (he has worked on his anger and the hitting has stopped). I'm not like that. I try to treat them rationally and with respect, give them choices, have reasonable expectations. My reward for this is abuse from my daughter. My T says your daughter can be angry at you because she feels safe with you. Well, that's all well and good, but the pain and hurt of being the target of anger and abuse is getting to be too much. I am feeling very resentful. I do feel I have failed at parenting and need professional help. It's embarrassing but true. I really hope this therapist can help me learn how to regain respect in the relationship and give me suggestions on what I can do to motivate positive behaviors from my daughter. Maybe that will be enough. What I have tried on my own has not worked. However, the child specialist and my T both have told me that I have a tendency to try to do everything myself and have very low expectations for the other person in a relationship. I tend to think I can make things better just by changing my behavior and not have expectations that the other person can and should contribute. I view them as a static and me as the one who should make adjustments. So this effort at bringing my daughter to therapy with me is an attempt at engaging her in this and inviting her to be part of the solution. Are there changes she can make to improve things? Does she have ideas on changes I can make to improve things, changes that have not occurred to me before? I am very open to hearing her suggestions. I think a neutral person there, the therapist, can help her talk with me and not become abusive, and not make unreasonable suggestions, and maybe even agree to try making changes herself. I sure hope this therapist is skilled... We need it.

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chaotic13 said:
It is my experience that this systems approach can be very damaging and requires a lot more of the person most willing to change. The system martyr may not make it though the process in one piece.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's an interesting view. I am going to think about that. I have been feeling like the family martyr lately (not really due to therapy) and I am really exhausted with it. I have not felt before that the family systems approach in therapy requires one person to be a martyr. What would your T say if you told her that? Would she agree that there needs to be a martyr and that person needs to be you?

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I need to pay some attention to my own needs now and work to improve this relationship.

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I think this statement is soooo true. I think sometime we get into trouble because we are so conditioned to put everyone else first. I really hope you and follow through with this. It will likely impact your daughter in a positive way as well because she will learn not to repeat cycle in her own life.

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I have not felt before that the family systems approach in therapy requires one person to be a martyr.

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I don't know if the approach taken with my family was officially a "family systems approach." But clearly when I look back, I can clearly see that my T used me to quickly extinguish a volatile situation and get my H to at least try to change his behavior. Maybe I my needs were sacrificed because I was silent, already numb so it didn't matter, and didn't scream in protest when suggestions were made. It was probably my own fault.

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What would your T say if you told her that?

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I don't know what she would say. I would hope that she would say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know, I wish you would have talked to me." "The process is not supposed to sacrificed anyone."

I don't like going back there

((sunrise))

Wow, what a great response.

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I actually disagree that my relationship with my H is over. We will be forever linked because we are the parents of our children.

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Thank you for saying that, and for recognizing that. Even if your daughter is not in a place she can appreciate your work, I will thank you for her. I'm afraid my parents have never realized this. (20 years later, they *still* won't talk to each other.)

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It is kind of embarrassing and shameful to me how bad this is and that I cannot handle this on my own. So I'm seeking professional help. My daughter has become very abusive towards me and won't stop, despite my efforts. I don't know what to do. She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive.

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From everything you've written here, it sounds to me like you are doing great work, and there is no shame in asking for help.

I hope the family T can help your daughter express what is bothering her in a non-abusive manner.

My heart goes out to you both.
And, definitely let us know how it goes.

Many, many

I had family therapy with my 3 kids and it really helped. It's worth the money in my opinion. Didn't read all the responses but yes it is usually more problem focused and goal oriented than one on one therapy. Hope it helps you and your family.