[Fuzzybear]

I think that secure attachment to your T might be good, to help work through early trauma, interpersonal issues, abandonment issues etc? (Or any one of these). How does a “good” therapist work with your attachment, if this is an issue with you? Also, how do you repair ruptures?

[Echos Myron redux]

Consistency consistency concistency. How can the attachment ever be helpful if the therapist is unpredictable? Having had an unpredictable therapist and now a very consistent therapist, I can safely say that has been the key different for me in working on attachment issues.

As for ruptures, in my therapy it's all about my therapist's willingness to own his mistakes, our mutual respect and trust and working to solve it collaboratively. He cares about understanding me, so when he doesn't, and rupture occurs, we work together to get back on the same page.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Consistency consistency concistency. How can the attachment ever be helpful if the therapist is unpredictable? Having had an unpredictable therapist and now a very consistent therapist, I can safely say that has been the key different for me in working on attachment issues.

As for ruptures, in my therapy it's all about my therapist's willingness to own his mistakes, our mutual respect and trust and working to solve it collaboratively. He cares about understanding me, so when he doesn't, and rupture occurs, we work together to get back on the same page.

Yes to all of this. Also, honesty, openness, and transparency from both sides about the attachment. I generally find that talking about it helps it to be less scary and can be healing in itself.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I think secure attachment doesn't just happen, it's rather that first you attach in whatever way you're used to and then you talk about the way you attach. As Echos said, if the T is consistent, with time you learn that you can attach in a different way, that you can feel safe in this relationship. And from that you can hopefully learn that it can be this way with other people too. I'm not sure understanding attachment and being safely attached has much to do with working through trauma. Attachment and trauma can be connected, but it doesn't have to be. But being safely attached certainly helps with therapy in general. But that doesn't mean you can't do work when you are not safely attached, it's just one topic that should probably be talked about.

I can talk to my T about whatever issues I have regarding attachment, he will listen, understand and try to show me where my issues come from. For example I struggle with being scared that he might get mad at me or just suddenly stop talking to me a lot. He might tell me that I'm projecting that onto him, and that this might come from situation X that I experienced previously.
I think in general it helps me to know that I can count on my T, that he has so far never failed at being the T I need. He also occasionaly reassures me that my fears are just in my head and his experience is very different to what I might think.

As for ruptures, usually I get upset during a session by something he says, and I will go back the next time telling him I'm angry/disappointed/whatever else I feel about what he said. We will talk through what happened exactly, then why it upset me (if it's not obvious). If it's a mistake on his part, he will apologize and explain his thinking. If it's more something that I'm just making worse than it was, he won't apologize, but he will still explain why he did what he did. We might also discuss what we could have done differently and how we can manage that it doesn't happen again. Then, he'll always empathize that he thinks it's good that we talked about this, ask me whether I'm satisfied with everything we discussed or whether there's something else that needs to be adressed regarding it.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think that secure attachment to your T might be good, to help work through early trauma, interpersonal issues, abandonment issues etc? (Or any one of these). How does a “good” therapist work with your attachment, if this is an issue with you? Also, how do you repair ruptures?

I thought I had some sort of secure attachment to one therapist. Wasn't secure at all.

According to my reading, a securely attached child knows the caregiver will be in close proximity most of the time. That's what makes it secure. And presumably the child can sense the caregiver's innate and authentic investment. Therapy turns this on its head, putting the client thru repeated cycles of abandonment and isolation, forcing them to self-soothe, and forcing them to put their psychological health in the hands of a virtual stranger whose investment is likely tenuous. That's my view anyway. Seems to help some people, but I think it ought to be described in realistic terms that highlight what's really going on.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by BudFox

According to my reading, a securely attached child knows the caregiver will be in close proximity most of the time. That's what makes it secure. And presumably the child can sense the caregiver's innate and authentic investment. Therapy turns this on its head, putting the client thru repeated cycles of abandonment and isolation, forcing them to self-soothe, and forcing them to put their psychological health in the hands of a virtual stranger whose investment is likely tenuous. That's my view anyway. Seems to help some people, but I think it ought to be described in realistic terms that highlight what's really going on.

i feel similarly and believe therapy is anything but a secure attachment. i just wrote a response on another thread about my views of secure attachment and so i will just re-post what i said there here:

personally, and this is based on my own opinion and experince, i do not think it's even feasible to attach 'securely' to a therapist. there are too many boundaries and ethical issues in the way. plus if the T does not have their own s*#t together, that will hinder the attachment as well. in fact, it's an insane concept to expect that any human who has been devoid of a secure attachment figure from infant-hood could eventually form one with an almost complete stranger, who is absent much of the time (except for one or a couple hours per week), and is a for the most part a non-reciprocated relationship with the client. too me, this sounds quite illogical and because of the constraints of the therapeutic relationship, i never formed that 'secure' attachment to my ex-T and therapy with him (due to his own ego and needs) was mostly a repeat of my already formed disorganised attachment style that i experienced early as an infant and thus throughout much of my life in relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
From what I see many people with deep attachments, never really get better, they just go to another T at some point to work through that previous attachment.

i do agree with what DP says, that many do not get better when trying to attach to their Ts, and this is because of what i stated above. it's most disheartening to see those with attachment issues feeling like they have to move onto another T to help not only with the original attachment issue from infant-hood, but to also address the attachment harmed causes by a prior incompetent T.

the one part of DPs post i do not agree with is that i did find it possible heal from my deep attachment wounds and to form a 'secure' attachment to others. in my case, it was my child parts who came to experince my husband as a secure attachment figure. the reason why i think this was possible was because my husband was able to attend to my attachment needs unlike my T ever could. hubby was quite involved in my healing work...during the last three years of therapy he was at almost every session sitting next to me, listening and holding me or my hands, he was by my side and my witness during all the struggles between sessions, he was reachable when i was in crisis, he helped me with my nuerofeedback sessions, and most important of all, he was trustworthy. these are the exact things that my own T could never possibly do because of the constraints of therapy.

i think when clients (and even some therapists) struggle with attachment, they tend to view it from an adults perspective and forget that it was during the infant/very early childhood stages where the attachment style was formed. being able to view it from a child's perspective and being able to acknowledge and embrace that it was the child self/part that was severely wounded so long ago goes a long way to helping those struggling with this concept as adults to except it and to work towards healing those deep wounds.

i wish all of you going through this the very best, because i know that healing from attachment issues is probably one of the most difficult and painful aspects of your truama that you are trying to come to terms with.

[unaluna]

Yes, consistency. After i had been seeing my latest t for a few years, and taking the bus, which was a new experience for me, noting that the bus schedule did not change, i commented to him how secure the buses made me feel. Boy did he get a pouty face, like what am i, chopped liver? Then i looked at the bigger picture - the bus was consistently bringing me to see him, who was also always there - well, okay, sometimes you DO have to hit me with a ton of bricks. its hard for us to recognize even as it's happening, if youve never seen it before.

[TeaVicar?]

I wonder if it depends on the severity of the original attachment issue. I agree that consistency and reliability is the key, also more 'holding', in the form of additional contact or sessions. This would work in theory but I'm not convinced it's possible in reality. I keep talking about this with my T. Every time there's a break, inconsistency or even lack of attunement, it's back to square one. I get reminded about my past and my developed reactions to disappointment, I get reminded that he is 'human' after all but I also feel as though I am continuously replaying this torturous love/rejection pattern. I fail to see how therapy can help with this and I feel very angry that I was encouraged to open up and trust the 'process' - yes, this reflects my past but how is it different, how does the outcome change so that my heart and faith in humanity remains intact? Perhaps I have exceptionally bad/difficult attachment issues to work with

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I fail to see how therapy can help with this and I feel very angry that I was encouraged to open up and trust the 'process' - yes, this reflects my past but how is it different, how does the outcome change so that my heart and faith in humanity remains intact? Perhaps I have exceptionally bad/difficult attachment issues to work with

Do you have any ideas what might help other than therapy? Or do you think that if things are so bad then it would be better to accept that things are the way they are and there's no point in trying at all?

[TeaVicar?]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Do you have any ideas what might help other than therapy? Or do you think that if things are so bad then it would be better to accept that things are the way they are and there's no point in trying at all?

Yes, cultivating and maintaining other relationships. Finding ways to care for and love myself - these are things that I've been trying to do more recently. Therapy is not something I rely on for support anymore. It's very limited in what it can offer. I think if I'd had more help in dealing with the breaks, that would have made a big difference. too many let downs and not enough nurturing. It could just be that I'm in the wrong therapy or with the wrong therapist though.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think that secure attachment to your T might be good, to help work through early trauma, interpersonal issues, abandonment issues etc? (Or any one of these). How does a “good” therapist work with your attachment, if this is an issue with you? Also, how do you repair ruptures?

I agree with echos, consistency. My T is ridiculously consistent in session. I crave it even if I don't necessarily "want" an attachment with her. We've had our bumps in the road, but she takes it all in stride. She apologizes when she needs to, and she never feels like I am doing it to her (being extremely frustrating/never making eye contact or any show i want to be there at all), and knows that it is something I struggle with. She thinks my premature birth (extreme prematurity) started me off on a bad path attachement-wise, and since my parents were teenagers still, they couldn't give what I needed.

She doesn't work with me on attachment per se, but I do think she hopes that I will see her as a safe, secure person, and slowly warm up to her. In reality, I really like her, but therapy is very difficult, and talking about feelings is very difficult, so I shut down really easily.

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I keep talking about this with my T. Every time there's a break, inconsistency or even lack of attunement, it's back to square one. I get reminded about my past and my developed reactions to disappointment, I get reminded that he is 'human' after all but I also feel as though I am continuously replaying this torturous love/rejection pattern. I fail to see how therapy can help with this and I feel very angry that I was encouraged to open up and trust the 'process' - yes, this reflects my past but how is it different, how does the outcome change so that my heart and faith in humanity remains intact?

this was my exact dilemma too with trying to work on the attachment with my ex-T. plus the fact that my trust was always jeopardised because of his lack of continuous consistency. as i stated prior, i just could not fathom how i was suppose to heal my deep attachment wounds when the relationship with my T was nothing more than, as you so perfectly stated, 'replaying a torturous love/rejection pattern'. and each time i doubted and challenge my T on this very topic, he got to play the 'i'm only human card' while i got assigned 'you are the broken wounded soul who is suppose to be figuring out how to fix this dilemma with what little i offer you'. that is one reason why i asked if my husband could start coming to my sessions and be more involved. if i could not get those needs met by my T, at least he could help my husband and me figure out how to address meeting those needs of mine together.

[TeaVicar?]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

each time i doubted and challenge my T on this very topic, he got to play the 'i'm only human card' while i got assigned 'you are the broken wounded soul who is suppose to be figuring out how to fix this dilemma with what little i offer you'.

This is my experience too. I was encouraged to develop an attachment but then was often just left to get on with it, when things got tough. I can call him if I'm in crisis but that's it. So when I started to really struggle with the breaks, I was left on my own to try to work it out. He wouldn't even engage in a conversation about coping strategies - of course, he would say that I could have talked about whatever I wanted to, which I tried to do but I really needed a more interaction from him. I needed looking after - not completely... but a bit, and that doesn't seem to be his style. The problem is that it only serves to replay my original attachment trauma. After 9 months of negotiating, he has agreed that I can send an email to him during the break, which he will read but not respond to. What a weird, strange relationship I've gotten myself into... even stranger than my relationship with my actual parents!

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I was encouraged to develop an attachment but then was often just left to get on with it, when things got tough. The problem is that it only serves to replay my original attachment trauma. . What a weird, strange relationship I've gotten myself into... even stranger than my relationship with my actual parents!

exactly! that has been my experince and overall conclusion after participating in a 'therapeutic' relationship. in the end, it was anything but therapeutic....

[UglyDucky]

I don't have a secure attachment style with anyone. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, NOS, with avoidant features. So.....I tend to be avoidant with emotional issues. I desperately want to be emotionally close to others, but my childhood just didn't allow me to develop a secure attachment style.

All of that said, I've read a couple of professional journal articles that dealt with patients who did not have secure attachment styles, but were able to attain an "earned" security attachment with their therapist.