[MoxieDoxie]

to give to my therapist in session. A note that quickly explains my pain, is educational with facts perhaps about attachment and how I need help with it. I can't move on until this issue is addressed and learn what will happen; like him dumping me as a client because he cant deal with it.

I can not bear this attachment I have. It is all consuming, I can't function without daily contact with him, I feel defined by him and non-functioning without knowing he is in my life to help. I hate how desperate this part feels whenever I decide I need to drop therapy all together because it hurst so much. I become depressed, destraught and withdrawn as well as suicidal. I need his help navigating through these emotions but everytime I sit to write this note I cant do it.

I fully understand why this attachment happened. I have read enough on my own and have read about peoples suffering with it on this forum.

I am not in love with him. It is not sexual. I do love him but I am not sure in what capacity, father, dear friend, something else. I have never felt like this before so I do not know where to file it in my brain.

I can not deal with how this makes me hate all that I am for feeling like I am nothing without his help and attention in my life. It makes me feel small and broken, weak and pathetic.

I am overwhelmed by this and fear I am going to end up in the ER from a botched attempt of easing my pain.

[catonyx]

I think you just did write a note. Can you just print that post?

[musinglizzy]

I agree. You just wrote it . It's excellent.

[MoxieDoxie]

HELL NO! I am not showing him this! It is pathetic and childish.

[catonyx]

It is just truth. It is neither pathetic nor childish.

[MoxieDoxie]

NO! It has to have more substance, more facts perhaps about attachment, more mature.

[catonyx]

Do you think your T is unaware of the facts regarding attachment?

[rainbow8]

The kind of attachment we feel for our Ts isn't mature or factual. It's not pathetic either. It's about children's unmet needs. I think it would help you if you could show your T what you posted instead of intellectualizing your feelings.

[ThisWayOut]

I have a feeling that by "factual and mature" you mean to interject distance.
it's ok to feel however you feel. He will take it however he takes it, regardless of the distance you try to create with what you write. Yes, the rejection fear can be huge, and no one can promise he will react well, but most competent therapists know how to handle attachment.
Being attached doesn't make you immature or weak or pathetic. It's one of those things that comes with therapy When you poke at the hurt little inner kid.
Admitting strong emotions can be scary, but it has a lot of potential too.
I hope you can find a way to talk to t about it.

[moonlitsky]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

to give to my therapist in session. A note that quickly explains my pain, is educational with facts perhaps about attachment and how I need help with it. I can't move on until this issue is addressed and learn what will happen; like him dumping me as a client because he cant deal with it.

I can not bear this attachment I have. It is all consuming, I can't function without daily contact with him, I feel defined by him and non-functioning without knowing he is in my life to help. I hate how desperate this part feels whenever I decide I need to drop therapy all together because it hurst so much. I become depressed, destraught and withdrawn as well as suicidal. I need his help navigating through these emotions but everytime I sit to write this note I cant do it.

I fully understand why this attachment happened. I have read enough on my own and have read about peoples suffering with it on this forum.

I am not in love with him. It is not sexual. I do love him but I am not sure in what capacity, father, dear friend, something else. I have never felt like this before so I do not know where to file it in my brain.

I can not deal with how this makes me hate all that I am for feeling like I am nothing without his help and attention in my life. It makes me feel small and broken, weak and pathetic.

I am overwhelmed by this and fear I am going to end up in the ER from a botched attempt of easing my pain.

Hello MD
I am so sorry to hear how confused and frightened you are by the very powerful and painful feelings you are experiencing. I find that it helps a lot, when in such a place, to understand what might be happening to you. Once you have some understanding it will be easier to speak about your experiences.
I don't know how much you know but will try to explain it abit to you anyway. I think the feelings you are experiencing don't come from an adult place, which explains why the adult part of you isn't sure if the feelings belong to the adult. The feelings are from the baby/infant part of you and you are in what we would call a regressed place - your mind is taking you back to a very young place so something can be worked through that you couldn't do back then. This is what therapy is often about and us quite normal but scary if we don't understand it. Try not to be unkind to yourself because actually your body is very clever and is telling you what you need to do.
Try to imagine how a little baby/child feels. We are totally dependant our main caregiver (usually mother) to stay alive. When a baby cries it actually thinks it is dying. To be left means to die. That's how serious it is. A baby has no concept that mother is there when out of sight - there is no object consistency and the baby is just a ball of primitive impulses. Those very powerful feelings you describe, and sometimes feeling suicidal, are about those primitive feelings. It feels you might die if you are left? That is where you are and it is very scary. I hear that. The baby needs the mother to be available and consistent and to 'hold' both physically and psychically, with her body, her voice, her eyes and mind. This is what you are desperately seeking and needing right now and it needs to be talked about and understood - this can really help to hold you. It is very important that you and your therapist can understand this together and I hope he has the knowledge and experience to be there for you. Some reparative work needs to be done in therapy.
Your post is beautiful and explains it so well - you have already written the note to your therapist!
Your pain needs to be understood and treated with the utmost respect, both by yourself and your therapist.
I wonder if you could use the words you have already written here, alongside my words too if it helps, to tell your therapist? I hope he can hear you and has the ability to help you through this very important work.
You are in my thoughts.
Moon

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

to give to my therapist in session. A note that quickly explains my pain, is educational with facts perhaps about attachment and how I need help with it. I can't move on until this issue is addressed and learn what will happen; like him dumping me as a client because he cant deal with it.

I can not bear this attachment I have. It is all consuming, I can't function without daily contact with him, I feel defined by him and non-functioning without knowing he is in my life to help. I hate how desperate this part feels whenever I decide I need to drop therapy all together because it hurst so much. I become depressed, destraught and withdrawn as well as suicidal. I need his help navigating through these emotions but everytime I sit to write this note I cant do it.

I fully understand why this attachment happened. I have read enough on my own and have read about peoples suffering with it on this forum.

I am not in love with him. It is not sexual. I do love him but I am not sure in what capacity, father, dear friend, something else. I have never felt like this before so I do not know where to file it in my brain.

I can not deal with how this makes me hate all that I am for feeling like I am nothing without his help and attention in my life. It makes me feel small and broken, weak and pathetic.

I am overwhelmed by this and fear I am going to end up in the ER from a botched attempt of easing my pain.

Seems pretty close to a finished product, what you have written. Maybe just a few edits if there are things that are too forward?

I really relate to the "don't know where to file it in my brain" thing. I had similar experience, though I was in live with my T, but still parts of the attachment and dependence were beyond my reckoning and terribly confusing.

And I also understand that feeling of being so needy and demanding that you fear T will exit. Someone told me their T said "nothing you say will cause me to leave". Wish my T had said that…

I'm sorry you are suffering through this.

((((Moxie)))))

I hope you give him the post.

If you can't get yourself to do it, maybe you can try telling him the 'child part' of you feels this way....as maybe distancing the feelings like that will help you get it out before you can get to a place where you feel you can fully discuss it with him.

Sorry you are hurting so badly. I really think it can help to talk about it. It's just so hard to bring it up, I know.

[MoxieDoxie]

So it is done.....I created a word document, with everything I feel and how it has been effecting me along with Moonlitsky's response, and sent it in an email. I did it that way because my appointment is tomorrow and I wanted him to have time to process it himself, have time to layout a plan instead of me handing it to him in session. I did not want him to feel put on the spot nor could I bear him reading it in front of me. Blak! That would be yucky uncomfortable.

[MoxieDoxie]

Well at 6:30am he Skype messages me.
(In my note I told him I sought the advice of another therapist)

This is some of it.

Hi, I read your e-mail to the other therapist and I think it was very brave to speak about your vulnverability....
I think she explained it well, that a feeling of dependence is very similar to what a young infant feels when it depends on a parent/usually a mother.....
it feels like it will die if that person is gone...
does that sound right?
You never had that kind of attachment/connection growing up and so it makes sense that you feel almost a sickning feeling if the person you have developed trust with should no longer be there...
I'm so glad you were able to put this feeling in words and were so brave to speak for it.
How are you doing with having spoke for it now?

He also asked:
What site did you speak to that counselor that you wrote to....she seems quite good!
she seems to have a solid understanding of attachment...
you don't have to say if you don't want to...

This is how I answered it. Moonlitsky I hope that was ok?
She is very good.....she is someone that has come on to the forums to help us understand why we feel what we feel. I messaged her to see if she could help me. She was once just like us and then went to school and became a therapist. She didn't forget her roots.

I asked him if he was going to dump me as a client now and he said absolutely not and we will come up with some kind of a plan, in session to day, to help me work through this between sessions.

[moonlitsky]

Yes, of course it's ok to use my words to help you. Well done for finding the courage to speak how it feels.

By the way - I still am much like you, I just had a little more time working through it! I am still working on it in my own therapy but nowadays the pain isn't so overwhelming. I now, having been a therapist for well over a decade, see it from both sides of the therapy room, which means I can better help others. Your words made me smile - thank you. And yes, I never will forget. I know the pain too well. It does get better but it takes time.

Believe in yourself.

Take care

Moon

I'm so happy that your therapist handled this so well. It sounds like you are in good hands. I hope you find some relief in no longer having to keep this all inside.

[LonesomeTonight]

He did great handling it--I only hope that if I end up talking to mine he does nearly as well. How did your session with him end up going? How are you feeling?

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

He did great handling it--I only hope that if I end up talking to mine he does nearly as well. How did your session with him end up going? How are you feeling?

I had session with him that day. All day prior to the session I was very weepy with a pit in my stomach. I now had to face him in person. I thought I would be ok until I sat in the chair in his office and then I thought I would lose it and cry. Instead what happened was I froze in the waiting room chair when he came to get me. I could barely speak. I was shaking and crying. I could not get up out of the seat. He was trying to reassure me that everything was fine and I should not feel bad or embarassed. I kept saying I want to get up and go in his office but could not move. He asked me ifI wanted him to help me up. I finally said yes and all it took was for him to just guide me and I finally stood up. What a scene and how embarassing. I hope he never asks me about that because I have no idea why I could not move.

Most the session was spent with my head down and him talking softly to me, trying to get me to look at him, and reassuring me that everything is Kosher in his book.

He has been very supportive and understanding what is happening. He says the connection I have with him is a good thing!

I feel so relieved and untriggered. So much lighter. I am grateful that he does not feel overwhelmed by my attachment. I asked him if he was going to tighten his boundaries to teach me a lesson. He said he feels it is his fault because he does have looser boundaries than other therapists and perhaps that is the reason I got so attached. He said it is his style and he is not going to change how he conducts his therapy with me. I was concerned I was going to feel like I was getting punished.

I am so grateful he will be there to help me deal with what I feel and not scoled me for it or refer me out.

[Soccer mom]

That's so great!! You were able to talk about something very difficult and he completely accepted you!!

I wish I had had the courage you did last summer. I cried all the time and couldn't handle my intense feelings. So unfortunately I went through so much of it alone. I knew it was about what my mom never gave me. I think I went through a huge grieving period for that and her death last year. I still have melt downs and am just now opening up to my T. I wish I had done it earlier to experience her support.

Hopefully you'll be able to open up more and more to him! I also intellectualize and my T is trying to get me to stop trying to understand and just talk. Yikes!

Thanks for sharing.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I had session with him that day. All day prior to the session I was very weepy with a pit in my stomach. I now had to face him in person. I thought I would be ok until I sat in the chair in his office and then I thought I would lose it and cry. Instead what happened was I froze in the waiting room chair when he came to get me. I could barely speak. I was shaking and crying. I could not get up out of the seat. He was trying to reassure me that everything was fine and I should not feel bad or embarassed. I kept saying I want to get up and go in his office but could not move. He asked me ifI wanted him to help me up. I finally said yes and all it took was for him to just guide me and I finally stood up. What a scene and how embarassing. I hope he never asks me about that because I have no idea why I could not move.

Most the session was spent with my head down and him talking softly to me, trying to get me to look at him, and reassuring me that everything is Kosher in his book.

He has been very supportive and understanding what is happening. He says the connection I have with him is a good thing!

I feel so relieved and untriggered. So much lighter. I am grateful that he does not feel overwhelmed by my attachment. I asked him if he was going to tighten his boundaries to teach me a lesson. He said he feels it is his fault because he does have looser boundaries than other therapists and perhaps that is the reason I got so attached. He said it is his style and he is not going to change how he conducts his therapy with me. I was concerned I was going to feel like I was getting punished.

I am so grateful he will be there to help me deal with what I feel and not scoled me for it or refer me out.

Sounds like he did a amazing job of responding and helping you through it. I'm glad he didn't push you away. Sounds like a great (and very self-aware) T.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

He said he feels it is his fault because he does have looser boundaries than other therapists and perhaps that is the reason I got so attached. He said it is his style and he is not going to change how he conducts his therapy with me.

Overall sounds like it went quite well. Glad you are feeling better about it.

What you wrote above about looser boundaries… wow this hits home. The T that I became overwhelmingly attached to also admitted to this, and it seems likely that this was big part of what caused my feelings for her to erupt into the stratosphere. It felt at times like I was the special client and that we were relating on a much more personal level, bordering on flirtation, because of the loose boundaries.

This was her style, but it also seemed that she relaxed the boundaries even more for me. In the end, this was (in part) what made the whole thing implode. Termination followed, and then a major spiral for me.

So i am now very wary of loose boundaries…

But if he admitted fault, that is a good sign.

[MoxieDoxie]

Well I move to another state April 1st.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Well I move to another state April 1st.

So now you told him your feelings and it's okay but you're moving away and won't be seeing him anymore? I'm sorry for the cliche, but I'm really wondering "how do you feel about that?"

[MoxieDoxie]

He new I would be moving. I told him over a year ago. It was not suppose to take this long to sell my home. He said he will continue to support me while down there through Skype. He wants to see my dream of opening my own gym become a reality and he wants to be part of that through emotionally supporting me. His word just last night. "I know how big/scary this is for you...ill be with you thru this."
I have to take this one step at a time.
1. Sign Documents
2. Inspection and appraisal.
3. Drive 10 hrs to Virginia and spend a week looking for a place to live
4. Drive back. Get anything fixed required by inspection.
5. Set up a moving company. pack more on my own
6. Cry a lot and eat xanax
7. Moving day. House packed and empty. Drive back to Virginia
8. Movers bring stuff to new place.
9. Try to set up new home without flight, flight, freeze, fawn or dissociate. Try not to do that through all the above steps.
10. Drive back to old home for closing of house. April 1st
11. Drive back to Virginia. Cry some more.
12. Start process of finding a location for gym, establish business name, send essay and affiliation application.
13. Be fearless and do not let obstacles knock me down. This is where T comes in. To do more of life coaching, help me talk through road blocks and help me not give up because the stress is more than I usually can handle. I feel with him in the background I can soar. Yes cliche....he is the wind beneathe my wings.
I want to be one of those sucess stories. Someone that over comes their mental health disorders.