Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

why am I such a fool

Who's watering your plants for you while you're away? I could water your plants for you. I'd look after them.

I hate you and I don't want to come back

I'm ready to say bye forever

I'm trying to ask you to help me feel less anxious in your office.

I said that it is stupid that I am still so anxious in your office.
You said it makes sense: I have been treated poorly in the past by people in your role; you (apparently, according to you) remind me of my mother who has treated me poorly in the past; I go see you to talk about unpleasant things.

Whenever this come up, my feeling anxious around you, you bring up that I must see you are a mother. I keep denying this because, ah thank you, I've done bad attachment before and I ain't going there again.

But, I'm wondering, does some part of your psychobabble training & perspective desire me to form an attachment so that I can experience what healthy attachment is?

You know, you guys should come with instruction manuals: when T says XYZ they mean ABC...

Yes, I deliberately provoked your anger. You were emotionally absent. I tried to provoke your love but that didn't work.

Well I was in some mood earlier today. I'm glad I didn't call you.

You don't tell a girl with an eating disorder that she should worry about gaining weight/getting fat.

This is why.

See you on the skinny side.

Dear Piaf,

Oddly, I feel sorry for you. You want to say emotions are unimportant in therapy. You want to say that there is no therapeutic relationship. While I put less value on those things than others do, they still exist, at least a little. You want to deny their existence entirely.

But when you get angry at me and say what you said about how my hearing makes me a difficult and exhausting client, you are admitting there are emotions and there is a relationship. Your cognitive dissonance must be maddening (provided you are self-aware enough to realize it).

ATAT

WTF?!

WTFx2??!!

I was trying to stay positive, but yesterday was a really, really tough day. Doing a little better now. I wish I could talk to you about the stuff that's happening. I keep thinking I should suck it up and reach out to you... but I don't trust myself to talk to you and stay sane at the same time. I have to take care of myself.

M.

Thank you!



This is me and I think you really understand.

Trail.

Hi T,

We need to solve this memory thing... I hate how sometimes, information is there and then it's gone again... Stuff I learned, stuff I did is gone and then it's there again... I know this is normal to some degree, but I'm pretty sure that this is too extensive to still be considered normal...

Same with my ability to focus... Sometimes I feel like a capable math student, othertimes I can't remember how to draw a simple x^2 graph... Like, seriously? How am I supposed to pass my exams that way... It worked well when I had 3 or 4 exams a term, because good and bad days always alternate and I didn't always do bad on exam day... Now it's exactly one exam per subject. if I fail the subject today, I won't be allowed to complete my degree.
I don't know how this is supposed to work out today and I feel like I'm falling apart, which definitly won't increase my chances of passing...

Oh and, hadn't you been on vacation for so f** long, we could have addressed this...

T, I'm scared. In fact, you scare me, somehow. I thought I've heard it all, seen it all as far as therapy is concerned. And I thought, I've got my sh.*t together by now, more or less. And that this is just for some months, maybe a year, for the finishing touches, for some lose ends to be tied together. And then I can move on and live happily ever after.

And now, after six months of seeing you, the realiziation dawns on me that all those years of therapy have barely scratched the surface. That the journey hasn't even begun yet and might be far more adventurous than I imagined in my wildest dreams. And I'm scared because you don't seem to realize how scared I really am, that I am holding on for dear life on this ride, while you seem to be enjoying the speed and the turns and corners and twists.

You just come along and, with a simple question or two, cut right down to the bone. This hurts and stings and I just want to run. But I have nowhere to run to, and I know that I have to get through this stuff in order to find some relief. The other option would be to entangle you in my subconscious 'games' of guilt and fear and self-loathing. Which worked pretty well with Ex-T. But contributed to the big rupture which ended in desaster. So maybe it is good that you call me out on those games. But still: This hurts like h.*ll. And please: Be careful, and slow down.

Would you be mad at me, if I changed my mind?

I'm sorry I don't know what I'm doing.

Please don't leave me.

Just met with potential new T. She was alright.

She's not you. I don't think I can do this.

I f***ing miss you.

You didn't say whether you'll be checking your email while you're away.

It doesn't matter, there's nothing really to say anyway. I just want to check that you still exist. Do you still exist?

Are you 'holding [me] in mind'? Maybe you'll think of me if you see a cat... everyone else seems to.

F***. I feel terrible. I miss you. This sucks.

I'm really not sure what to say.

Hope it's OK to reply to this. I just wanted to say that I'm feeling similarly. I saw ex-T for 6 years, and now in less than a year with current T, I feel we've gone so much deeper and I'm realizing stuff that I didn't know was there before. Making lots of progress but also realizing how much further I have to go, and wondering what exactly I was doing during those 6 years with ex-T (and ex-MC). And it's also similar with current T, where he can ask something or make a comment and it cuts to the bone, either in me feeling hurt, exposed, scared, and/or having some major realization about myself. But I also feel I'm making so much more progress, like I have to get down to those emotions to move forward. So, I get it and the mixed emotions.

Well I shouldn't have brought that up with 10 minutes to go.

Thanx LT. It means a lot to me. And it helps that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

So that time when you said "come here", you don't feel like you initiated that hug?

I wish I could get myself to stop playing games and trying to sabotage our relationship. It appears that I can’t stop myself. Ugh. Sorry.

I am so sorry AnnaBegins, I know what it's like. ((Hugs))

I'm sorry I emailed you again asking for the session after I declined it.

I'll stop now.

I'm waiting for your reply to my message two days ago...I asked if it was okay to write/talk about something that came up last session. I also said that the others (younger parts) wanted to talk but didn't know how to ask. Waiting for your reply to this is driving me crazy. Because I feel crazy for asking that.