Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

That entirely depends on how you define 'managing'. I'm masking it well...

My sleep pattern is screwed, but you know that.


I'm conflicted about sharing the essay I wrote in your absence with you...

It might really be time to leave.

Thanks for your reply T, you said I could write but to please be cautious of being sucked into a dark place. You didn't acknowledge the others...

I'm sorry I was stupid to say I didn't want the session I do. I lied when I said I was okay with it.I'm not now.

My mother also left on a three week holiday just after you did. I haven't spoken to her since the 9th. I want my mum but I want you more.

Now you won't turn up and it's all my fault.

Dear T,
Thanks for a really insightful session today. And for being so understanding and accepting. I think you get now that it's not all about you...

Felt like a particularly warm handshake at the end, so thanks for that. And be safe in your travels (I just assume you're traveling...).
Love,
LT

ETA: OK, fine, I know you're traveling, but I didn't feel need to tell you that, like to get your forgiveness or anything. (I think that's progress of some sort.) Maybe we both know (or assume) that I know, and can just leave it at that. I mean, it's public info online and something you publicize that you do, so...it's not like I'm hacking into flight records or something!

I'm planning an impassioned speech to my lecturer in my head... I doubt I'll be brave enough.

As it stands it looks like I'm going to spend most of my therapy with the new T processing the loss of my beloved previous T... seems a bit bloody counter-productive to me.

That does seem incredibly counterproductive...maybe new T can make an appeal?

Dear T

I know you follow my creative account on Twitter. You don't know that I know and you haven't brought it up in session. I suppose you didn't think it would be noticeable in a 60k account.

There are times when I direct my posts at you, hoping it would help you gain some insight into me. I don't know if it's my imagination or not, but I think it has helped.

I wish my therapist followed my crafty account on Instagram. That's wonderful that it feels like it's helped.

I need you to be better.

Have you shown it to your T? They might be interested

The ETA made me smile.

That is incredibly cool!

I feel like crying (which is so extreme for me that I almost wanted to put it behind a trigger warning).

Is it just the exhaustion or what? Why is this so hard? We're talking semantics and perceptions and relational dynamic. It's hazy and subjective. Is there meaning to this?

I guess tomorrow we'll be talking about my marriage again. Oh, joy. Not.

You know what I want to do? I want to just run away from everything-everything and start completely over someplace new with a new name etc. Is there a witness protection program for post-therapy? Let's work on that for october. Ha.

t,

your silence speaks volumes. i’m done. **** you.

me

Dear T,
I love you. Would never tell you that though. But then...maybe you'd get it. Because it's about what you are to me. Less about you as a person or anything I'd expect from you. But about what/who you are to me, what you represent, how you understand and accept. How you get me. How you accept. I know I said that "accept" one twice, but it's important and a big deal to me....

Love,

LT

PS--If you ever asked, I'd totally deny the "I love you" part because it's way too scary and has too much of a threat of rejection. But...I feel at this point in our relationship, there's maybe a tiny chance it would be OK? But probably not, so no way in hell I'd risk that. I value our relationship too much.

I feel all rotten inside and I don't know why

Can I camp out in your yard tonite I see you tomorrow anywaaaaaaaayyyyyy

Dear New T...
I really need you to be a good T. I need you to help me with the loss of my second T. I need you to be patient. Kind. Thoughtful. I need you to help me. I need to be able to trust you. To confide in you. To open up to you. I need you to not be uncomfortable with silences. I need you to help me with the SH and not freak out. And don't ignore it. I need you to be almost as good of a T as my second T. I'm taking a big risk with you. I don't want to get attached to you. I don't want to love you like I love my second T. I need you to be good enough.

I said I love you to my second T in writing a few times. It was scary the first time but not the second or third or fourth. I don't think there is anything wrong in loving your T. I think it's hard that they don't love back in the same way that we love them. I never expected my T to say I love you back, though I suspect she does at least care for me a lot. But I totally get not wanting to be vulnerable and tell T that you love them. The risk of rejection feels too high.

Yesterday was frustrating. It felt like you just weren't getting it. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it" might be good enough for you, but you're not the one who's vulnerable here. I can't afford that kind of uncertainty when the stakes are this high. You look both ways before crossing the street, don't you?

If that's your biggest pain, it makes sense to work on it.

Thanks, Slumber. I agreed that there's nothing wrong with loving your T--it seems totally natural, given the intensity that can be there in the relationship. But I just worry about sharing the words.

You're new here (welcome!), so, entirely too long background: I told ex-T twice, first time was awkward, second time she basically said she loved me too without officially saying it. With ex-marriage counselor, for whom I had strong transference (which I'd talked to him some about)...first time, he said it was OK, though I'd said it on phone to him like, "If I love you, is that OK?" and he said it was OK. Second time (like a year later) over email, more awkward, where he said it was "kind of me," which upset me because, as I said, that's what you say to someone who compliments your sweater. We talked a bit about it, was OK.

The last time I told ex-MC was after I'd started to detach from him a bit, over a year after the last "I love you." I'd gone to this concert for a band who had some songs I associated with him. I felt pretty emotional afterward and sent him this email saying "I love you so much" and that I didn't expect him to reciprocate, just accept it, say was OK. He replied, saying "Of course it's OK!" and that it's not a minor thing, something I should talk to him or current T about. When I tried to get him to schedule a phone call (something he'd done before, despite being my marriage counselor, and my H was generally OK with it), he got all evasive, and finally, like a week later, he said we could talk briefly, but he'd do all the talking. The talk very quickly went south, with us both sort of attacking each other, then at the end, he said I had to reduce contact with him. Which led to the end, and we ultimately terminated in April (call was December, but we only met periodically in between there). He later confirmed it was the "I love you" that made him change how he was to me. And he was this incredibly important person to me, seeming that he accepted me no matter what, being caring, understanding me as I'd felt no one else had before...then it felt like that went away because I'd expressed my feelings (it's much more complicated than all that--PM me if you want all the details). I've contacted him since, and he does still care, it's just...so different.

And when I'd shared with current T the email I'd sent ex-MC, he seemed to understand at the time why ex-MC reacted as he did. But that was like 6 months ago, and current T seems to have come around on some things and is more understanding and accepting of me and my attachment. Still wouldn't share those words with him, at least anytime in the foreseeable future, just because of what happened before.

Oh that makes sense. I don't think I would ever tell a T I loved them if I would have had that experience. Luckily, my second T just accepted it and we never really talked about it but every time I said it to her she would follow up with how much she cares about me, which I believe. I guess it would be something to be careful with in the future since I'm having to look for a new T. Its bad enough being vulnerable, but to have the whole foundation change because of expression of a feeling that would really be hard. I'm sorry you went through all that. I'm glad your current T seems to be more accepting and understanding. Hugs if you want them.